Op-Ed: How Much More Can We Take?
Twelve years and one week ago was the Yohrtzeit of Yosef Chaim Paley, just a few weeks shy of his Bar Mitzvah. His mother, Mrs. Leah Paley penned a powerful letter following a week filled with tragedy capped [hopefully forever] with the horrific news of the tragedy in Williamsburg on Motzai Shabbos. In her letter she pleads ‘cant we all just get along?’
Dear Klal Yisroel,
Today is Monday. I woke up to tragic news. It has been going on for a full week.
Last Monday was my oldest son’s 12th yartzeit. 12 years since I last hugged and kissed him. It is way too long. I cried and cried by his graveside. I see endless fighting among Klal Yisroel, and it pains me deeply.
On Tuesday, my friend gave birth. Sadly, the baby who died 11 hours after he was born.
Middle of the week, a 3 month old baby died.
At the end of the week, a 19 year old boy dancing at a chasunah suddenly passed away.
Over the weekend, a young couple lost their lives on the way to the hospital, but the baby was miraculously saved.
Here I am back at Monday. This morning I heard the baby died.
How much can we bear? How much will HKB”H potch us and ask that we get along.
Last night I swallowed my pride. I called my father, whom I haven’t been speaking to for months over the stupidest thing. I explained why I was calling and apologized. He was so happy to hear this, and we are going to pick up our relationship again.
Now I am in the process of reviewing the other people I am “not talking to”. When I look back, some of them are for such silly and petty reasons. It is so totally not worth it. I have friends who are in fights with their families. I know people who don’t like this sect of people because they don’t learn, or they don’t like the customs or they dress differently than they do. WHO CARES???? Now is the time to stop hiding behind anonymity. People have no problem posting disgusting comments to others on various web pages. They think that no one will know who really said it. They are forgetting that not only does Hashem have a eye that sees and ear that hears, but He is also recording it. Who wants to have to explain, well, I thought no one knew it was me. If you won’t say it in person, to their face, then you shouldn’t say it in a comment without your name. We need to stop looking outward at others, judging them and finding them lacking. Inside, turn your focus inside. I am sure each and every one of us has something that we have done to hurt another person. Search your brain and your heart, and I am sure you will find. Then do something. Now is not the time for us to sit back and complain that “all those ladies are not dressing tznius”. Now is the time to show Hashem that we truly love each other.
I heard a shiur recently. The rabbi was saying that we need to really, truly feel the pain the other person is going through. It isn’t enough to read off a list of names while saying tehillim. Feel for them. Cry for the girls who aren’t married. Cry for the people who are suffering with illnesses. Cry for the mothers who are not holding their babies. Cry for all the pain and suffering klal Yisroel is suffering. I can tell you this, it truly works. I have a friend who is single. I sat and pictured how I would feel if she were my daughter. You know what? I really did cry. I begged Hashem, please help her find her shidduch. (I wish I can say this has a happy ending, but so far it hasn’t happened.) Another friend has a close relative who is sick. I know what the family is going through, because I went through it with my son. We need to put ourselves into their shoes, and feel their pain. Only then can we unite together. Only then we will be eesh echad b’lav echad.
There is a famous story of a rav who went to the doctor with his wife. The doctor asked what is wrong. The husband said, My wife’s leg pains us.” That is it. The pain of everyone else needs to become our pain. It is heavy. It is hard and it is very sad. But maybe if we ALL do this, we can show HKB”H that we really and truly want Moshiach.
AD MOSAI! AD MOSAI! AD MOSAI!!!!!!
Sincerely, Leah Paley / Richmond, VA
A friend in CA
Leah, we cry with you.
We must all stop pointing fingers at others and look to ourselves. I can only change me. But that small change can effect a larger change.
Today, I start with me and I cry with you.
Ad mosai, Hashem, ad mosai?!
Susan, in S. Diego
I totally agree with your sentiments. look hakavod!!!
To love another begins with oneself
-Love yourself and you can begin to love your neighbor.
-You can only empathize, respect, and empower others when you feel empowered.
-If you were “truly” happy with yourself, you would feel no need to put down others.
-Work on yourself; find your own happiness, and you’ll be able to be happy for others.
We are all on the same journey; we all face disappointments in life, we all feel pain—please, instead of judging others, imagine what your “neighbor” is going through–and support him/her instead of chastising.
That’s what your teachers meant when they spoke of Ahavas Yisroel
Friend
The thing about Leah is, she means every word. She is one of the most sincere women I have ever met. She’s honest, generous, loving, devoted & I’m so proud to be her friend. I’m certainly going to take on board what she said. It won’t be easy to give up years of anger and animosity but I’m already working on it. I really hope I can make even a tiny bit of difference.
Rena
Leah, I am proud to call you a dear friend. Yasher Koach to you for saying what desperately needs to be said. May the neshama of your dear son have an aliyah and in the zechus of your divrei hisorerus, may we be zoche to see Moshiach Tzidkeinu soon followed by Techiyas Hameisim, where we will all be united with the souls of our dear departed and we will dance and sing and eat from the Seudas Levyoson in Yerushalyim Habenuyah.
Hashem listen to our cry
I too am gonna try to change and make up wi th ppl I am not speaking to
Rishe
making amends is absolutely life-giving
leah paley's daughter's friend
thank you for your words, im taking upon myself a hachlata to do my best… Moshiach now, when we will be reunited with yossi and all of klal yisroel
wooow!
This was said with real heart ! I will definitely try and be kinder to all the people i know ! # 3 and 4 I totaly agree with u!
Ad Mosai!
Here are some concrete suggestions! Yidden Take Heart!(beginning with myslf) Then well all be zoche very very soon to be reunited with our loved ones!
Feivel
Beautifully written and more than true. The Rebbe’s way, though is simcha. Especially being Adar. Let’s do it, ahavas yisroel with simcha will bring us to the finish line. The Rebbe depends on us,
YES WE CAN
Questioning
Enough. Tragedies happen. We will never understand why. Being “freierim” and making our own lives unpleasant by doing things that are against our nature or common sense will not put an end to these tragedies.
Some tragedies will be prevented by scientific discoveries in the future. People are still alive who remember how it was before antibiotics, and no amount of prayers or introspection did a thing for people who had incurable bacterial infections in those dark days.
Other tragedies are just part of the world, and unless we cause them by our carelessness, we are powerless to prevent them.
Campaigning for stricter driving laws that would keep the Acevedos of this world behind bars and away from cars may prevent another accident. Ceasing to let off steam by posting meaningless posts on inane boards will not prevent anything except tedious posts on inane boards.
Enjoy your life, let others enjoy theirs, and do your part to get rid of those whose actions are incompatible with organized civilization and who cannot be “tamed.”
Ezra
No, tragedies don’t “just happen.” Indeed, says the Rambam (Hil. Taaniyos 1:3), that is a cruel way to talk. The purpose of a tragedy is indeed that we improve our behavior* – and, as the Rambam writes in the previous paragraph, that leads to Hashem preventing such tragedies from occurring in the future.
* Which, by the way, is not – as you seem to think – incompatible with the appropriate forms of natural hishtadlus, such as better medicines or stricter laws. As Jews, we live in two different worlds simultaneously.
Leah in VA
Hi. I am sorry, but I humbly disagree with you. Tragedies do not just happen, unless you don’t believe in hashgacha protis. The Baal Shem Tov taught us that everything we see is for a reason. If we see or hear of a tragedy, and remain untouched, then we are just being cold and callous. We also learn in Tanya that it is in our capacity to change our vary nature. I also learned the whole idea of meseras nefesh is not just giving our lives up for Hashem. It also means going against our nature! A person who is kind by nature, what big shakes is it for them to give tzedakah? But a person who is miserly, when they give tzedakah, they are breaking out of their own personal mitzrayim; they are being meseras nefesh, because it is so hard for them to do this.
This was posted yesterday. Already, I have gotten incredible feedback. One person told me that they have refrained from writing not nice comments on some of the various forums! One person told me that they made up with someone who was not kind to them earlier this year. If this is not a act of ahavas yisroel, then I don’t know what is. The point of this op ed was to take the horrible darkness that is feeling oppressive, and chasing it away with some light. Each time someone does something kind, they are creating a little more light. I would like to hope that as chassidim of the Rebbe, this is a concept we all understand.
Once again, the main point of this was to bring awareness to the fact that our current galus is due to a lack of ahavas yisroel. If this is impossible for you, I highly suggest that you may want to learn a little tanya.
Wishing you the best. These words were not written with malice, but with love. I truly care. I really want to see this silly fighting ending. (I live in a community where I see petty fights. People don’t like this one because they don’t learn enough gemara, or this one doesn’t like that one because they dress this way. Why? I keep telling myself, after 120, how am I going to stand in front of Hashem and try to justify what I did? Will He be happy to hear that I didn’t speak to someone because of some silly shtus? Say some of your disagreements out loud, and you may find that they sound awfully childish. BTW, when I was talking to my mashpia, I was so embarrassed to tell her about one of the disagreements I was in. Why I wasn’t talking to someone, and what I did to them. It sounded childish.)
Keep your eye on the goal … we can do this together.
Chanala
100% true.
Just to add that as chassidim the point is not just to koch in the suffering. we can also feel the true joy and happiness for someone else. often there is jealousy blocking us or our own problem not letting us really feel the simcha of a friend who is engaged, the cousin who won the lottery or a sibling that received a better report card. When we sit and and really feel the pain of someone else, let us also sit and really feel happiness for someone else.
simcha poretz geder!
to # 12
I didn’t realize it was against my nature and common sense to become a little more sensitive and compassionate in my relationship with others. Apparently from the callousness of your post you have a lot to work on in that area.
Number !5
We were just talking about how not to be nasty and mean in our comments??
Maybe now is good time to start??
uhhh
and today mrs gurary passed away
who was the 19 yr old bother who passed away at a wedding?
Leah in VA
The family name is Landau. His father was the owner of a restaurant “Cafe Shalva” on 52nd Street off 13th Ave. H. his father is still alive B”H and his grandfather is still alive B”h so the great gandfather of this boy is the one saying Kaddish. This is what makes it even more Harsidik. About a year ago a baby fell into the toilet and was discovered later in the evening. This was on Erev Rosh hashanah. This was from the same family.The same Great grandfather said Kaddish for this baby too. The baby was 18 months old, it was the talk of yom tov. The father went to Uman and the mother moved into the house of her sister. They live in Monsey. Devastating
WE ARE NOT TO BLAME!
I did not read this letter in its entirety. Got the gist of it from the part I read. But THE FAULT IS NOT OURS!!!!!! Imagine a parent locking their 10 children into one small room and leaving them there for fifty years. No matter how much they love each other, living in such conditions for so many years with no relief in sight would naturally create lots of friction. this would be natural and normal to happen. We are those children going for thousands of years with trials and tribulations, and yet what do we do when a tragedy happens? we turn the other cheek and say we have to do more. IT’S HASHEM’S MOVE TO TAKE US OUT OF THE DUNGEON and then he’ll see how happy and loving we will be!!!! The fact that yidden still keep Torah and Mitzvohs at all after being slapped left right and center time and time again, makes them WAY MORE THAN DESERVING THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF THE REDEMPTION OF ALL THIS BITTER GOLUS!!!!!!!
Leah in VA
I am not saying we are to blame. If you had read the whole letter, you would have seen that. I am asking that people take the horrible darkness and turn it into light.
I don’t understand why some people are so resistant to this message. This is Lubavitcher site. This is the way that Lubavitch handles tragedy. After the horrible massacre in Mumbai, a group of us made Challah and gave it away. We are still doing this every single Rosh Chodesh. This is the Lubavitch way.
Tragedies are darkness. Doing good is light. I was merely trying to point out that our sinas chinam is the cause of this galus. If you get a dress dirty, you don’t try to clean it by putting it in the oven. You do what you have to do to clean it, namely wash it. If sinas chinum destroyed the bais hamikdash, then obviously ahavas yisroel will help to rebuild it.
Spread light. Be dan l’chaf zchus. Make the world a better place because you are here. That is my message. I am sorry you didn’t see that.
Questioning
You are welcome to disagree. However, I present the stark, cold, unpleasant truth. The world is a random one, and I do not think we will ever understand it. If you can’t walk without crutches, that’s fine, but we’re not kids who want to play with someone else’s crutches in grade school. We’re adults who want to stand strong and walk freely. Use your crutches until and if you heal, and keep them to the side so others don’t trip on them.
We don’t have any way of controlling random tragedies. We can only work on those that have a direct, physical cause. Science has the answers or will have the answers to some situations soon – and others a bit later.
So-called self-improvement, which is just burdening ourselves with guilt, does nothing. It will never bring anyone back or prevent anything from happening. It will diminish our enjoyment of life, to no end.
Best to face the truth and live your life in peace. If that means shutting someone out of your life, then do it and move on, without regrets or guilt. If it means blocking someone else so you can get ahead, just do it! He’ll find another way in due time, and you won’t miss an opportunity that is right for you.
PS I don’t need your love, and I would not care if you wrote with malice either. You are just a speck in the universe, as am I, and we are no one to each other – and that is the way I want to keep it. We have only a few strands of DNA in common, and that does not mean our lives should intersect.
Questioning
cold and callous
-That is what the world is. A jungle. Do you want to be a zebra or a lion? I choose the latter. You get no rewards for choosing the former – you are instead the ultimate “freier.”
Take care of Number One, and all the other numbers (including plenty of zeros after that one in your bank account) will follow. I finally started to forget what I learned from well-meaning Chassidim and to think that way (the old American way) instead, and I am finding the success I want in this world.
Not Speaking for Lubavitch
“This is the way that Lubavitch handles tragedy.”
Who are you to say that? If we did not have so many self-appointed spokespeople for “Lubavitch,” we’d all be better off.
Your view seems much closer to that of those who study “mussar.”
oish!!!!!!!!!!!
so sad! im practely crying!
Leah
Some of the comments and specially #24 makes Leah’s letter more important to apply. Stop all this judging btw us. Its just sad that people argue about nonsense stuff, waste time about trying to be right when there are so many great things to point at.
It’s time to move on, start to spread peace among us starting by your own heart. Cant wait for the day when you walk around the community without some people staring up and down at you just to complain about your dressing tznius status or who you with.
Le’s start by spreading love and kind words ! Its about time. B”H that day will come soon. Moshiach now.