Op-Ed: Do Kids Want Money or Love?

by a young educator

The moment left a lasting impression on me.

It was a regular afternoon, and I stopped by a shop to purchase a small item.

Standing beside the man behind the counter was his teenage daughter. She was excitedly telling him about a trip she had gone on. The father looked as though he didn’t have the mental space to listen. After about two minutes of her talking, he reached into his wallet, pulled out a $100 bill, placed it in her hand, and said, “Here, go buy yourself something, okay?” Thinking he had done her the greatest favor.

How did the girl’s face look at that moment?

You might imagine that she looked thrilled. After all, being handed such a significant amount of money on an ordinary afternoon would make most children very happy.

But that wasn’t what I saw.

She looked disappointed. Almost as though she didn’t want to leave. Continuing the conversation with her father seemed to matter far more to her than the money she had just received.

The lesson I took from that moment was something that, deep down, I already knew. I simply didn’t yet have the words to articulate it.

Children have an inherent need to share their feelings and experiences. When their words are truly heard—not argued with, corrected, or dismissed, but simply received—and when a parent sincerely tries to understand what the child is experiencing, something remarkable happens. A child’s deepest emotional need begins to be met.

The most important thing is to trust that a child’s feelings make sense, even when we don’t understand them.

This sense of being believed and understood brings emotional peace. It helps regulate both the mind and the nervous system. See the tantrums lessen. See the child become happier. See the child liking you more. And see the joy in the home slowly grow.

I have also experienced this personally.

There was a period in my life when I would try to tell my father how I felt about something. For example, if I said that I didn’t enjoy a particular restaurant because the food wasn’t to my taste, he would immediately respond, “No, it was a good restaurant.”

Conversations like that happened repeatedly.

During that time, I felt broken, misunderstood, and alone. My head would pound, and my heart would race. Looking back, I realize that I wasn’t asking for a better restaurant. I wasn’t even asking for my opinion to be agreed with.

I simply wanted my feelings to be understood instead of argued with.

I am grateful to my father that, after a while, he finally agreed to slowly change course and not argue with my feelings. My life has become so much better since.

Over the years, I have seen this same dynamic time and time again while teaching children.

This approach is incredibly important, yet for many of us it can also be one of the most difficult. Many of us grew up learning to ignore or suppress our feelings. We were taught, directly or indirectly, that painful emotions were something to push away rather than understand.

For the many readers who find this especially challenging, I encourage you to find the strength to very slowly begin making peace with some of your own feelings, and also with the feelings of your children. Learning to accept what they feel, yet be the authority to decide what they must do regardless of what they are experiencing. Feelings and actions are worlds apart, and children are allowed to feel whatever they are feeling while still being required to do things they don’t want to do.

Finally, I would like to encourage every father and mother to spend at least five minutes each day giving each child their full attention through active listening. Even in the busiest families, five minutes of uninterrupted time with each child can make a tremendous difference. Five minutes of genuine interest and connection can strengthen a relationship in ways that gifts and possessions never will.

With Hashem’s help, may we continue spreading light to those around us, strengthening our homes through understanding and connection, and may we soon merit a world filled completely with light with the coming of Moshiach, immediately.