by Aliza Bas Menachem

Op-Ed: Manipulative Women are Not My Sisters

When I saw the sign “EVERY AGUNAH IS MY SISTER”, in caps, with a solid bright red background, I felt something was wrong. Despite the loving words, the sign was not one of Ahavas Yisroel. It was manipulation. It proclaimed a righteousness to all vocal Agunah supporters, with the implication that if you don’t show support Agunahs you will be ostracized.

I have seen Crown Heights respond to tragedy with pure Ahavas Yisroel and there were no red signs with capital letters. To me, capital letters often look like someone is screaming. When someone is expressing Ahavah – they don’t scream.

When someone feels trapped they do scream. And the ruckus about so-called Agunahs is about feeling trapped. Everyone knows that most of these women are not real Agunahs. So I am not going to explain it again. I will call them UnGetted Women. Unfortunately, their pain has been corralled and trademarked by activists who produce signs such as the one I saw.

I would like to mention an authentic Agunah who lived in Crown Heights for decades. I knew her in the 70’s. She cooked for the younger division of Oheloi Torah. Her husband had been taken by the KGB and never heard of again. She was left without a husband and without children and – in those days for women – not much of a future, or so it would seem. But she became a legend. She fed hundreds of young students. Every helping was topped with a dollop of love. She showed no signs of feeling trapped, being angry, or unfulfilled. I would be proud to say is my sister (if only I qualified). No need for caps.

I know that UnGetted women are in pain. And I expect the painful mistreatment started long before it came to the Gett Refusal. My purpose in writing this article is to offer an alternative way of dealing with the pain. An alternative without hostility, anger and other stressful emotions that cause damage to a personality’s equilibrium. Especially for UnGetted women with children. You do not want to have your quest for freedom jeopardize the stability and wellbeing of your children.

The UnGetted woman is not chained by her husband. She has a choice. Especially in today’s world, a woman can have a career, be involved in diverse fields of interest, and make a comfortable living. She does not need to live through a man. She can chose to be a single woman without a Gett. She can put dignity into her life. By all means she should speak to people and do whatever she can in a dignified way to attain a GETT, but it need not be an obsession.

Part of the problem is that the frenzy that has been generated about GETT refusal, has made the refusal more profitable. If there was a prevailing attitude that life goes on without a GETT, then the trend to withhold the GETT would lose some of its appeal and profitability.

The key is Emmunah. Hashem has many agents. If the agent to prevent you from getting re-married is your husband, it can be very aggravating. But the husband is still only the agent. If the UnGetted woman will accept that it is Hashem who is giving her this challenge. Then she can process it the same way she would process other challenges. She can put it into perspective.

A few times I have seen it written that the pain of an ‘Agunah’ is the greatest pain of all. Talk about claiming victimhood! This claim has milked its potential to the point of husbands being fried by equipment used on cattle. Not only is this claim arrogant, it is not healthy for the UnGetted woman who believes it. She loses her empathy for others who are suffering. She fails to appreciate the blessings in her own life. She carries this shadow of superior pain with her as a cloud. This attitude is confining. This attitude keeps her chained.

But the real chains are the obsession about re-marriage. Why is the GETT so important? Most of the UnGetted women have been released from their marriages in most aspects of their lives. The one aspect where they do not have freedom is to re-marry. That is the issue. To re-marry. And that has become an obsession.

Instead of hounding the Rabbis and undermining the Halacha in a never ending search for an escape hatch – how about walking out the front door and seeing the sunshine? There are a lot of single women in the world. Some were never married, some have a GETT and some don’t have a GETT. Not having a GETT is not optimal – but if you do have children – then focus on them. Do not bad mouth their father. If they have no respect for their father, they will have no self-respect and eventually it will likely come back to haunt you. For sure, don’t make demonstrations about their father. You are setting them up to see the world as a victim. There are a lot of bullies out there waiting for them. Face your challenge as others face their challenges. We all slip and fall, but we do not go around saying our challenge is worse than anyone else’s. The choice is yours – keep up the anger and hostility and stress – or count your blessing and find your way to live a fulfilled life.

Emmunah is important. If you believe that marriage is Beshert. Then if Hashem has a suitable Beshert for you. Hashem will make you available at the right time. In the meantime, use your time to heal from your wounds, strengthen the relationships with people who make you happy and discover new horizons.

Recently there have been a lot of studies about happiness. Feeling appreciation for what you have has proven to be an important ingredient according to studies. Sound familiar? “Who is happy? One who is happy with his lot.” That doesn’t mean – she who has a great marriage. It means she who accepts life’s challenges with capital letters that spell BORUCH HASHEM. Together the Boruch Hashem and Sameach B’Chelkoy will break the chains of Golus, as together, with true Ahavas Yisroel, we greet MOSHIACH NOW!

43 Comments

  • rivkah

    100% these people are not agunah but im not sure what she is saying in the rest of the article

    bottom line these women should sort out their divorce and stop abusing the aguna word so people will feel bad for them

  • Thank you!!!!!

    I’m not sure if your blaming the victim or just telling the victim to “get over it and move on”?
    But either way i see that you choose not to mention the husband at all let alone place any blame at his feet…..
    How about this: post an article where you tell the husbands/fathers to immediately give the get so as not to cause harm to the children and should he have any grievances he should open the door and see he sunshine?

    Nice touch about the poor cook from Yeshiva! I equate your story only she is an aguna to you telling a robbery or mugging victim to “suck it up” and get over with it because a real robbery is when in the old days the “poretz” took everything from a person….

    • Chaim

      Yes, if a victim (or any sort) can find a way to “get over it”, climb that hill, pick themselves out of that pit etc… they should do so.

      There is no better feeling then getting over being a victim. Being a victim (of any sort) only keeps you down.

      For starters, don’t hang around [negative] people who feed you victim-hood or who take advantage of your victim-hood. Don’t be a victim twice!

    • Chaim

      Also, don’t be a useful idiot for those who are looking to make a name for themselves.

  • a3s2

    there are many versions of Agunas. For example, one is a woman who might be hiding behind that term to get sympathy and support, help, etc. Not the open healthy way to get help and support.
    Then you have a few other versions (each one is unique, ultimately).
    Then there is actually a woman who, no, its not in Russia and the Russian gov’t is not after them, it is actually one whose “husband” has a personality disorder, often Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and she is really suffering, and she would be re-married and bringing down neshamas if it wasn’t for her “husband” who is using the only form over power over her to make her weak and unable to do as much. It does exist. Rachmana Latzlan.
    Its alot more complicated than Rivkah wrote about.

  • agree with # 1

    these women who marched need to stop using halacha to shame other people they need to stop using and abusing halacha for themselves and to gain advantage in a divorce.

    If you try to change halacha and hold it againts men we will fight back

    enough is enough

    • CHLEAKS.COM

      Dear Mr. Troll,
      Please Explain which part is rambling of nonsense and why?

      thank you

  • What on earth?

    What are you saying?
    Any woman who has a husband that does not give her a get is an aguna. There’s no two ways about it.

    • What on Mars?

      People really need to be clear when making such statements, as those not familiar with Halacha could take it at face value, and think that if a woman asks for a Get, the husband must automatically give it. UNTRUE! There must be mutual consent! If there isn’t, then both parties must present their case to a Beis Din, and follow the ruling of that Beis Din. If the ruling is to give the Get, and the husband THEN still refuses to give it, you can use the term Aguna.

  • CHLEAKS.COM

    Nooooooooo! Don’t steal my victimhood away from me!!! I want to be a victim, i want to be pitied for he rest of my life!!!! I want this victimhood to define who I am!!!

    Shame on you Aliza for taking my victimhood away.

    • Aliza

      OMG – You get it. You could have written this article!
      Thank you so much for the laugh.
      I am going to read your comment again just so I can laugh again.
      You should see what is going on elsewhere on the internet. I am being pulverized.
      On FB – people are PMing me to say they see the wisdom in the article – but they afraid to post a comment for fear of retribution.
      You are right on. Thank you again for your support.

    • Ezra

      Aliza, here’s another voice in favor of your article. As for the naysayers – well, Avraham Avinu stood against the whole world too.

  • SMILE

    what goes around comes around, when you want people to understand you or what you need, I hope they spit back your words to you then youll get it, if you still have a brain if It didn’t go missing the way your heart did

  • Dear Aliza

    I am sure you heard the story of the family that was experiencing a flood in their neighborhood, and many boats came by to rescue the family, but they said that they have Emunah in Hashem and he will rescue them. After the family perished, they asked Hashem why they were not rescued by him, the response was that he sent many boats to rescue them!

    Case in point; we are Hashem’s messengers. Hashem does state in the Torah that a couple can get the divorce, we are not here to judge on anyone’s marriage if it warrants a divorce or not. When a couple does decide to get divorced we as messengers of Hashem are required to support them through their ordeal.

    When we go up to Bais Din Shel Malo, we will be asked; as Hashems Shluchim what did we do to help a chained women on our block to receive a Get after 10-30 years of living separately and receiving a civil divorce?

    I would like to bring to your attention a women by the name of Chaya Gansburg who lives in the heart of Crown Heights, who fits the above description.

    Aliza; Before writing your OP-Ed, did you take a moment to call an Agunah with children and ask her if she supports the Organizations that bring awareness and march in our neighborhood? If not, you should. Because I have, and i have yet to hear from a women that is an Agunah that does not support these organizations.

    If you don’t like the methods of a certain Agunah Organizations, please create a better alternative, don’t off load it to G-D. Take responsibility of our chained women in our community!

    My question to you Aliza is: What are you doing for Chaya Gansburg to be free like you?!

  • resident

    What a stupid article. You have a problem,suck it up. Dont whine, forget about a normal life. Too bad. Also those women who choose to live alone, good for them. An aguna did not choose this. If there is other issues so be it,but don’t be so callous and smug and uncaring. Hope you are never in this position.or other situation and someone will say give if up and just live with if. Shame on you

  • two birds one stone(d)

    Within this brilliant essay lies the answer to the shidduch crisis too!! the author writes: ” She does not need to live through a man. She can chose to be a single woman without a Gett”

    Now isn’t that just great advice? Imagine all the single women waiting to get(t) married, frustrated and sad…. one size fits all solution…

  • non-gender

    The major point is missed still. It is a consistent and long lasting problem that baffles Halacha. The late Rav HaGoan was on board that tried to find a solution to this issue, and they failed. If the relationship fails and blows up, why should it not be ended so that both parties can move on? That is the problem!!!!!And, what people sometimes forget in the development of a mutual ammonisty during this fight over whether or not there should be a get, if affects the children by osmosis.

  • Thanks Aliza!!

    Great article!
    The marchers thought that if we didn’t stand with them it’s because we aren’t paying attention to their concerns. It’s about time they realized we weren’t born yesterday either – we know their concern, and just happen to fundamentally disagree with them.
    As W.F Buckley once said
    “Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.” Well Said.

  • #2

    i think what the author is trying to say is the GETT is not everything. you can lead a very profitable life without a GETT. By the wives and public putting so much emphsys and outcry on a GETT they are only ruining themselves
    A) they are giving their husbands a way to take revenge on them and
    B) they are not allowing themselves to move on in life. thereby hurting their children
    there are other more respectable ways to get a GETT. by reacting like this you are playing rite into these husbands hands. they want revenge and to hurt their wives. By you showing them it does do that, wont make them decide to give a GETT any faster. on the other hand if we as public change the attitude of recieving a GETT this might help in the husbands not withholding a GETT as an act of revenge. this protesting is not the way to go about it.

  • Yisroel

    I think the author may have forgotten one very important detail. If she didn’t have her Get, I would never have been able to marry her. And that would have been a terrible loss.

  • CNN Lies

    Couldn’t agree more!
    And by extension, people locked-up in prison should just focus on the positive aspects in their lives! There are so many career possibilities in prison – like working in the kitchen, library or laundry. And the social opportunities OMG – think of all the varied people they could get to meet. Golly, they should just look for the ‘sunshine’!
    And what is this obsession of being a free person? Why is freedom so important?! After all, there are many free people who don’t go places and do stuff and so incarcerated persons shouldn’t feel bad!
    I hope you see the sarcasm. Is the author serious or just really not the brightest lightbulb in the store??! Why should any person willingly succumb to the will of another evil human? It’s hurtful and naive to think that people can just ‘move on’ despite being deprived of their freedom.
    And how dare the author invoke the memory of the illustrious Mummeh Mussie, who suffered not from her husband, but because of the malevolent actions of the Soviet regime? Are the situations the same?? Very obviously not.
    As a man, I am offended by what this author has written. Not being noygayeh bedovvor in any way whatsoever, I wonder how the author would coach her newly-married childless sister, if she were made an aguneh by some spiteful vindictive young man.

    • Ezra

      As a matter of fact, re your first couple of paragraphs: yes, the same holds true in that case. Do you think that Sholom Mordechai Rubashkin sits around in jail feeling sorry for himself? No, he tries to make the best of a bad situation. Doesn’t mean that he and his family still don’t pursue every angle possible to get him released (and may it be soon), but he doesn’t allow being in jail to define who he is.

      Yes, that is exactly the same as what Aliza is suggesting in this article – and kudos to her for saying it.

    • CNN Lies

      I repeat: Chas v’sholom your daughter or sister should ever be an aguneh. But I wonder if they were ever in such a situation, would you take such a cavalier and high-road approach to this issue? Would you tell them to just get on with their lives?? To just move on? Would you be content to just watch them suffer as their child-bearing years slide away from them? To willingly accept they are being deprived of a natural, normative and universal right to be part of a loving and caring family? I should hope not. The reality is that the odds are stacked against agunehs and they have the right to use whatever reasonable and legal means available, to release them from the constraints and shackles of their tyrannical and abusive spouses.

    • Ezra

      Actually, yes, my sister went through several years of delay in getting a get. (Didn’t make her an agunah, though; as other commenters have rightly pointed out, that has a specific meaning, and it cheapens the term to use it in other contexts.)

      With that said, then…

      Are we reading the same article? Because there’s not a word in Aliza’s article (nor in my comment), that a woman who hasn’t received a get should “willingly accept” what’s being done, and not “use whatever reasonable and legal means available” to get themselves out of it. Same is true for people in jail, or people suffering from illnesses, etc. It is still true – and this is Aliza’s point, and mine – that one can fight against a bad situation but not allow oneself to be defined by it.

  • Is this op Ed a joke?

    Why are you writing about an “obsession” that bothers you???? Open your front door and enjoy the sunshine! Focus on your kids. Moron.

  • Next Article

    I’m waiting for the follow up article about how victims of CSA should just get over it. They can have a great life even if they are being molested a little. Focus on the good things going on in their lives.

  • Neither way works

    Both ways aren’t working well: the march took a nekudah and harped on it in an annoying way, and the current way of honest situations of agunahs is also tedious (look at the Roetter situation, etc.). #9 mentioned ‘there are more respectable ways to get a Get’. I gotta tell you (especially after fighting 3.5 years for mine) doing it the ‘respectful’ route, when a husband just isn’t interested, and the majority of people, as well as Rabbonim, just don’t want to get involved, involves so much agmas nefesh. There’s got to be a way…

  • Anon

    This article is incredibly unempathetic to someone else’s suffering. We all need to help and support women in this situation. This is injustice, and we need to fight it, not tell people in the situation to stop and smell the roses.

  • WOW!!!

    I am one of the many who opposed this march because the focus was on destroying a man, not freeing Agunot. But in response to your Op-ed – I HAVE NEVER READ SUCH RAMBLING DRIVEL.

    Yes, I am using caps. Aliza, this is just stupid. A woman whose husband refuses to give a gett is an Aguna & al pi Halacha, there must be a way to solve this growing problem. You are clearly unsympathetic. Make a life for themselves? Are you delusional? Have you any idea how impossible that must be for most of the women? There is a massive difference between your KGB example & what today’s Agunot go through.

    They ARE victims. They are victims because some of their husbands get Heter Meah Rabbanim & remarry, ignoring their wives & children. They are victims because their husbands maliciously withhold a gett & there is absolutely nothing they can do. They are chained. Do you recall the case of the woman in Israel whose husband refused to give a gett for over 40 years??? The only way she was freed was when the creep died. What kind of life do you really think she had?

    Quite honestly, woman to woman, I find your callous dismissal of this issue & your “solution” abhorrent. You got your gett – imagine YOUR life had you not.

  • YMSP

    Thank you Aliza! Every rational and caring person wants sane solutions. Every rational and caring person, or anyone with a heart or who cares anything about children, knows that the get now group has worked to prevent reconciliation in the name of a “get now.” This harms women more than men. Their movement has also turned a blind eye to unwarranted parental alienation, which also makes solving get problems hard (the man isn’t going to give up his kids because protestors in Kingston are yelling that he should). What’s really needed is peacemaking, negotiating, dialogue and getting both sides to talk and iron out all issues.
    There can be no greater poison to these efforts than to see a bunch of third party “activists” (I won’t harp on the obvious Sharpton similarities of yesterday’s group) who rile everything up for their own self-glory.

  • How do you undestand this ???

    שנינו: היה ר’י מאיר אומר: כשם שיש דעות במאכל ובמשתה, כך יש דעות בנשים; יש-לך אדם שזבוב נופל לתוך כוסו וזורקו ואינו שותהו, וזו היא מדת פפוס בן יהודה, שהיה נועל בפני אשתו ויוצא; ויש לך אדם שזבוב נופל לתוך כוסו וזורקו ושותהו, וזו היא מדת כל אדם, שמדברת עם אחיה וקרוביה ומניחה; ויש לך אדם שזבוב נופל לתוך תמחוי שלו מוצצו ואוכלו, זו היא מדת אדם רע, שרואה את אשתו יוצאה וראשה פרוע, וטוָה בשוק, ופרומה משני צדדיה, ורוחצת במקום שבני אדם רוחצין – זו מצוה מן התורה לגרשה, שנאמר: כי מצא בה ערות דבר… ושלחה מביתו…” (דברים פרק כד פסוק א) והלכה והיתה לאיש אחר (דברים פרק כד פסוק א) – הכתוב קראו אחר, לומר, שאין זה בן זוגו של ראשון: זה הוציא רשעה מביתו וזה הכניס רשעה לתוך ביתו. זכה השני מוציאה, שנאמר: “ושנאה האיש האחרון וכתב לה ספר כריתת” (דברים פרק כד פסוק א), ואם לאו קוברתו, שנאמר: “או כי ימות האיש האחרון” (דברים פרק כד פסוק א), כדַי הוא במיתה שהכניסה לתוך ביתו.

  • Umm...

    Even people in prison at least know what their time in jail is. Even if its a life sentence its final.

    Not having a get means your future is at the hands of someone else. It means that you MAY be free or not. Thats a HORRIBLE way to live.

    And who so one to judge someone else’s tzar and how someone else copes??

    While I DO agree things need to change and EVERYONE should be REQUIRED to sign halachic prenup, and we should have Rabbonim dedicated to getting ladies their Gittim, this was rude and unthoughtful.Especially during the Pesach season where we celebrate our freedom, nebach some of our ladies are still chained up in an abuse of power.

    • CHLEAKS.COM

      So basically what your (group is) saying. Since we don’t understand someone else is pain, we can’t give advise or chizuk (based on our own experience with being a victim and overcoming).

      Only the people who want to project or feed the negativity have the right to give (voice) their opinions (?).

      Only people who advocate victim-hood should be voicing their “expert” opinion.

      Like i said above. Aliza you thief, how can you live with yourself, knowing that you are stealing victim-hood from people?

  • Anonymous

    Your a complete and utterly clueless person please stop we do not need useless comments i was lucky to get out after 36 years of a loveless marriage to a drunk and absent man why did I stay? I had children one with a handicap before you open your mouth learn the true story men have all the power they use it to get what they want the only reason i got anything was because I had a smart person helping me and my husband just likes to erase what does not serve his needs LEARN THE TRUTH BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH

  • Crown Heights Resident

    They’re are some (I don’t know how many) cases where the husband is withholding the get until the wife will agree to give him something he needs or wants.

    For Example, an agreement allowing him to spend a certain amount of time with his children. If the court will only allow 1 day a week and he wants 2 or 3 days a week.

  • Define Agunah

    I think the word Agunah has been so watered down that it lost its meaning. I think today every woman who asks for a get and does not receive it that same day thinks she is an agunah. This is not the halachic case of agunah. A get is not finalized in one day just as a legal divorce is not finalized in one day. There is a process to everything. Someone who is refused a get or someone who the husband went missing is a real agunah. This is not the same as someone who is in the divorce process and is working out the details of dividing property, money, custody etc. It is totally reasonable for these things to take some time until both parties agree. No one like to share these things that is understood but there needs to be open conversation between the two to make it work, not hostility and not refusal to work out details. This will only prolong the process and this is not grounds for calling yourself an agunah. May all the real agunahs be freed and may those in the get process find the strength to work together amicably and speed along the process.

  • Ben Israel

    Since so many disagree with Aliza, I’ve taken the time to state the opposite of what she has written. Women who have not received their gett:
    • Have no choices.
    • They should define their entire existence by this circumstance
    • She should not work to support herself with dignity, only beg for Tzedaka
    • She should have no outside interests, rather obsess over her circumstance endlessly
    • She should have no dignity and allow everyone to treat her like a Shmatta, just like the husband
    • She should stay stuck in her battle
    • She should never spare an opportunity to bad-mouth the father so the children should really understand how horrible one of their parents are
    • She should lose faith
    • She should only go out at night lest the sunshine make her happy

    • CHLEAKS.COM

      Apparently this is what the “sisterhood ” is advocating.

      Be a victim!!! Be a useful idiot!

  • stop the sugar coating

    This is one of the most insensitive,uncaring, op eds i’ve read.So a woman should just learn to live the single life…are you really this callous??This merits an op-ed?How about you live a nice single life or one of your children whose husband refuses to give a get??How about YOU or your loved one “going on”???Wow.I praise those who even went through the secular news to bring this to surface and guess what?They got results.These brave frum women who are young and want to move on the frum way did what they had to do as a last resort.Not all men are rational and reasonable so it cannot always be “worked out”.Certainly some women have their own issues but overall men do have the power.So Miss princess, get off your high horse and be sensitive to the lives that are in turmoil and the children who suffer as a result.YOU move on and keep quiet about the real suffering that goes on.

  • Aliza

    BEN ISRAEL – Your comment is brilliant!!!
    Thank you for taking the time to post it.

    You cannot imagine how much verbal abuse I have suffered from all the Ahavas Yisroel’dike ‘Aguna’ supporters. It feels so good to laugh about it all :)