109 Comments

• Chaim Yankel

  Written like a true * addict!

• minyaner

  fact is…this dude is right. If you have a photo, you dont waste each others time and money. I agree with you, good sir.

• not quite

  Actually, the opposite is usually what happens. The boy meets and dates a girl whom he finds physically attractive and he overlooks the more essential things like values, compatibility, shared outlooks, hopes, dreams etc… Then 5 years down the line after she has a few kids and lots of stress she’s not a size 4 any more, and she doesn’t quite look like the picture she carefully selected for the shadchan 5 years and 2 babies ago, there’s nothing there. The physical attraction is yes necessary, but only one small component of all the things that are required to make a marriage work.

• ARG

  Here’s my “prospective” – “None of them are gorgeous”

  ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH!? What gives you the right to say that?

  I think you need to stop watching movies and realize that the women in the real world have their ups and downs.

  As Yossi Jacobson said, if you’re not ready to marry Leah you can’t marry Rochel. V’dal.

• chaim

  what’s going to happen when you marry an attractive and good looking girl, you iy”h have a baby and she gains weight and it doesn’t come off and then you have another baby and again the weight is there etc. what will you do then? break it up, give her a divorce?

• J.S.

  Well said!

• YOUG

  This Op-Ed goes from bad to worse.

  I can’t believe you would put this here, not because of the content, which is total nonsense, but because it reads like it was written by a spotty 13 year old who spends too much time on the computer.

  Yet another fail by CH.info.

• sloppy joe

  Really? Is this the best you can do? It’s so painful I can’t even get to the end.

• chaim G

  You’re shallow and a total disgrace.

  What are you going to do when the woman of your dreams wakes up in the morning without her makeup? Or on a fast day when she hasn’t brushed her teeth?

  WAKE UP AND LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.

  You have a long way till you’re ready to get married.

• Andrea Schonberger

  I can’t believe this!!! Sure you look good now but what about 20 years down the road Mister “I’m really not all that picky”? Anything can happen despite all our best efforts to maintain good health/looks. I’ve been operated on for kidney cancer and now have a scar on my right side–is my husband supposed to dump me because the skin on my mid-section is no longer perfect? Thank G-d he’s a true Mensch–he’s thrilled that I’m cancer free and never mind the scar. You need to get beyond the photo.

• Agree and Disagree

  You are right in a sense that there needs to be attraction between the couple and I also agree that both parties should see a picture beforehand. But, I think you are going a little over the top with the whole point of the picture- it is rare that you look at a picture and think, “wow, that’s her/him!” If only it was always love at first sight… It’s true that you can know that it’s a pretty definite no based on the picture, but you gotta give it a chance.

  Good luck… and congratulations in advance on your engagement to a beautiful girl :)

• Well said

  It was a fun read, great perspective, although i believe this should be applied on a per case basis.

• Unrealistic Hopes

  If your shidduch is based on looks and then her looks change after a kid or 2, then what???? This is exactly why there must be more than looks to begin with!

• U don-t talk like a Lubavitcher chossid

  You have a twisted brain

• alternative

  i cant agree more however there r other ways of getting the picture of some one u can ask friends or search the web it is much easyer and less hurtfull

• tzu zehn

  This guy doesent even deserve a response, hes not shallow, hes just an idiot… He dont even have to read tanya to know about love, what he needs learn will tell him in a second grade story book. Good luck to this guy. Nice to have a reminder every once in a while of why there is a shiduch crisis.

• LOL

  if she was any mmore gezh she would turn into a chitas

  well put kuddos

• Get a Clue

  He goes out with her, the conversation is great, she’s a boat load of fun, and they are compatible in every way. In a perfect world,he marries her.

• ouch!

  i hope you find a girl you are attracted to and that is compatible with you in all areas. you know, someone like you…

• Enjoy your deep thinking

  I like your style of writing, you would probably make a good friend to hang with, and I don’t begrudge you for asking for a photo, it saves a lot of people time your right!

  But you need to develop some perspective and understand looks change over time of age and having children, and looks have high maintenance…..

  Side note, I can see where the youth is heading with being so materialistic and physical compatability matters so much v’maven yavin

• Dear little boy,

  Possibly the worst op-ed I’ve ever read on the topic of Shidduchim.

  Child, you are twisted. I pity the girl who marries you. And I pity the few who agree with you.

  You are quite clueless about life…

• picture

  you should put a picture of your self on your op. ed. ha ha you sound like you watch too many movies etc. and that’s why your not attracted to any girls. but i wish you luck in finding that lucky girl. p.s. please next op. ed. don’t bring the rebbe in to your issues especially this one. moshiach now!!!!!

• Almost perfect - article, that is.

  Just one minor correction: “In a perfect world, he breaks it off, she doesn’t get hurt, they both meet their Bashert the next week; they never think about each other again, they live happily ever after, and the DOLPHINS win the super bowl.”

• Not Ready for Marriage

  Each to his own. But you may want to rethink your idea of marriage just a bit. It seems you are not ready yet. Wait a couple of years till you start balding and graying.

• To reinforce the crucial advice above:

  This rant is not right or wrong, it is just so incredibly ignorant of the necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship. As many others noted: Far more pain comes about from marrying based on physical attraction, only to find yourself emotionally and philosophically alone.

  Please, bochur: Speak to a personal and/or marriage counselor before your next date so you don’t hurt yourself and others.

  Hatzlacha!
  A Shana-Rishona guy who dated for a couple of years

• Leah

  lol. this must be a parody. It’s far too disjointed, poorly written and utterly ridiculous to be real.

• a rachmonus off a narishen,prosster yung

  this article is cheap trash and should not be put on a website that caters to lubavitcher chassidim.
  this young man clearly has a lack of maturity,and has watched a lot of trashy films,has no idea what real life and real love is-and thinks that every shtus in his head is a new discovery that noone ever thought of before and THATS why no one understands like he does .he is a narisher yingle who lacks depth, focus, common mentchlichkei.not because he wants a pretty girl,evryone does, but he is narish enough to not only say it but write it in public and probably thinks he is enlightened and real and i am an old-fashioned closed minded backwards person.lol

• Agree with Op-Ed

  The comments are exactly why this bochur needed to write this op-ed, all of the comments are probably written by people with low self-esteem, and think they are equal look-wise with better looking people.
  There are:
  smart and simple
  rich and poor
  gezhe(chitas) and tzugekumene
  Good-looking and plain
  We are not all equal in gashmiyus.

• Current picture please

  Well written, tells the truth – pictures are a must. Hatzlocha for finding your true Bashert soon this year!

  But even with a picture always be prepared for a big let down, especially when it comes to Shidduchim for older singles. It’s been my experience that most women submit pictures that are many years old, and they look nothing at all like that by the time the Shidduch takes place. There is a lot of falsehood out there.

• Fix the system...

  This article is a proof that our Bochrim are not being guided when it comes to shiduchim. This kid is a good writer and has a big issue which he is really frustrated about, but
  nebech he was never guided when it comes to shiduchim nor does he have a mashpia or mentor when it comes to these issues.
  It must be mandatory on all smicha programs to spend some time speaking about dating and marriage. If they don’t learn it the Jewish way, they will learn it from other sources, like this poor innocent misguided bochur.

• Barbie

  I think the writer should make sure that his shadchan knows that physical appearance is important to him. However, I think that is extremely immature to ask for a picture. There are many cases where a girl may not be exactly what he thinks he wants physically (blonde vs brunette etc..) But, the bochur needs to see the person as a whole entity. Many times personality adds to the attraction.

• to the author of this article

  i suggest and demand that you put a link to this op-ed on your resume, so that any potential date has a very good idea of what your like…

• not always what it seems

  My brother (not frum, I am BT) was shown a picture of his future wife by good friends. They said you 2 would be perfect for each other. He said no. He’s very successful, good looking, etc. and so is she btw, but from the pic, he couldn’t tell. Their friends arranged that next time he was in town they all go to brunch and to the gardens. AFter brunch, while on the walk, he asked her where they should go on their honeymoon. That was ten yrs ago.

• minyaner

  I am a bit shocked so many people are against this. Most of Lubavitch IS SHALLOW. You have to be gezhe..good family or have money to have a good shidduch, so why not see a photo? You claim to only want ‘the inside, aydelkeit etc” but I have a ton of very frum friends who are still unmarried because they are either not gezhe enough or don’t come from a rich family.
  I think YOUR views are warped, so don’t judge this man!
  Holy brother… May you have much success in what you are looking for

• Kudo-s

  Great point, everybody has the right to choose whom they want to marry. Do not listen to the bitter people cursing you are that your are not ready to get married, 99% of the people of CH never spoke to the opposite gender until their 20’s and now they are giving you their expertise ha. don’t get me wrong i’m no maven but each person to their own and you bring a great point in which people try to deny.

• Bottom Line

  If you can’t stand the way your date looks you will never marry them.

• GROW UP BOYS! AND BECOME MEN!!!

  Unfortunately, many Jewish guys out there get married to an attractive girl and keep her as an accessory. Unfortunately most of those marriages end up in divorce. He doesn’t love her for her personality, he loves her because he gets attention! the wrong attention.. Most of the time he will do it to get other women to look at him.. its an ego thing.

• Kasha Eater

  Great job, Tomchei Temimim-Oholei Torah. You must be very proud. Keep On Keepin’ On.

• you need a job not a wife

  okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkayyyy….. somebody needs to get a job……..

• a different perspective

  by the way I totally agree. a picture saves a lot of time and aggravation. BUT there is another aspect,
  Many times you don’t like how a person looks but come to like it based on their personality and then their looks grow on you to such an extent you wonder why you ever thought that person was ugly.
  When I first met my 26 year old married boss I thought he looked so strange. He had such odd features and is married to the most gorgeous girl I ever saw. I always wondered what she saw in him. The more I got to know him and see what a responsible father and husband he is, how he interacts with his kids, how he is so mentchlich, his looks grew on me to such an extent I no longer noticed it. When I was suggested for his brother who looks similar to him I agreed because in my mind I equated that look with such a great personality. Only later did I remember, oh yeah I used to hate how he looked, but I don’t think that now. Similer to a kid on my block who i thought was so ugly until I got to know her adorable personality and absolutely fell in love with her both her AND her looks. It really DOES grow, and not just grow but you come to not even notice it anymore.
  DON”T go out with anyone who is obviously ugly and you’ll never come to terms with in looks.BUT that average girl who isn’t so gorgeous but isn’t UGLY, and you have a lot of fun with? Give her a chance. Go out again and again until you are SURE you can’t come to like her looks.

  Thanks for the good laugh, I must say it was an enjoyable read.
  I wonder how long it lasts up here though, its slightly PG 13 rated… way too high of a rating for the ultra chassidish.

• ari

  These words are better than a thousand pictures! Write in your resume that you wrote this article and the girl will know exactly what you’re all about! if she still agrees to go out with you, she’ll probably fit the compatible part… and who knows, she might even look like you want her to… but then, you the holy guy who’s quoting the Rebbe and the Gemara etc might have to reject such a girl for “religious reasons”, a catch 22… as someone once said, i wouldn’t want to marry a girl who would agree to marry someone like me…

• Spot on!!

  It’s like you read my diary!
  Oh, and the grammar is great. ;0

• touching a nerve is he?

  denial denial denial, only the pretty people get divorced and only the mundane looking people are happily married, right? it’s a realty people hate to hear. you can curse out the author all day long the facts don’t change. any shadchan would tell you that on both sides of the aisle looks is a factor for guys and girls “chassidish” or “chilled” so go on yelling at the man i hope it makes you sleep better

• So clueless...

  To auther:
  I know that in your own mind everything you are saying makes so much sens but you are seriously missing the point.
  Go speak with a Mashpia you trust. If you don’t know one, go speak with Rabbi Abba Paltiel on crown street. He helps a lot of young men like you.

  Hatzlacha

• one more thing

  I wouldn’t want to be the girl you marry. I happen to be exceptionally beautiful, (thought so by others not myself) but knowing my husband wants only flawless beauty would put me under terrible stress and pressure any time I god forbid gained a pound or wasn’t wearing makeup. I wouldn’t like knowing he didn’t think I was beautiful in his eyes anyway.

• where has the world come to

  this is ABSOLUTELY SICKENING!!!!!

• A mother-s perspective

  When my son was about to enter the Shidduch scene I asked him what he was looking for. He gave me a laundry list of character traits but didn’t mention looks. So I asked him (with baited breath, very nervous about what he’d say) & his reply was an eye opener.

  He said he is looking for a “pretty” girl but he doesn’t know what that means. He told me she may be gorgeous on the outside but it’s the inside where she will shine, so unless she needs to be kept hidden he’s not really picky. Just like this author, right??

  So we moved onto dress size. This is where I was really in shock. He said he doesn’t know the difference between a 2 or a 16 but he hopes his bashert is not too heavy (he is not a big guy.) He said it doesn’t matter what size she is now, he knows that after a few babies a girl may not be the skinny young person she once was, but if he likes her when they get married he for sure will like her after children.

  He married the first girl he dated, who happens to be very pretty. And she is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous on the inside, where it really counts.

  Girls, not everyone is looking for a trophy wife. Most healthy, normal, balanced young men are looking for someone they are attracted to and until they meet her they don’t know what that means. I’m so glad I’m not the author’s mother. I feel bad for her, and for the girl he eventually marries. She will never be too thin, too gorgeous, or too WOW. She’ll have to spend all her time at the gym & beauty parlor just to keep her husband from straying. How very, very sad.

• I Concor

  people should know what they are getting into.
  the pic is not the everything but its a start,
  in shidduchim there is way too much bait and switch!!!

• Hindy

  See u at the singles events in ten years !!

• what a great read!

  that’s why I always include a photo! great points! great sense of humer! GO JETS!! Marry me please!

• proceed with caution

  please post his name or picture so girls know to stay far away from this guy –

• Chill everyone

  Did anyone really read the whole thing before writing all those hateful comments? He’s not saying that she has to Barbie! He just wants to make sure that he would potentially be attracted to her…

• I am photogenic

  I am blessed to be photogenic. I look fantastic in just about any picture. I have a few “glamour shots” (a professionally touched up, airbrushed pictures) which look amazing – but are not the way I look in real life on a daily basis.

  My experience is that the boys who asked (and were provided) pictures always agree to meet…and then are disappointed, because in real life, I cannot meet up with their expectations for my looks.

  To put it frankly, did any of you ever see a “super model” in real life, without the flaws airbrushed? You would probably not even notice her!

  Another point:

  A picture, at best, captures a “moment”, based on angle, setting, clothing, lighting etc. The subject looked…good, cute, in shape, heavy/skinny, short/tall etc. at that moment. You are judging a potential life partner by how s/he looked for a moment. Does that make sense???

• Bochurim have wants

  As a bochur, I would never write or admit the poits of this article, but we bochurim ALL agree with them. Every bochur wants a beautiful good looking wife. However, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and some bochurim have “weird” taste.

  A friend of mine married a girl with a gig nose, and I mean it, her nose was HUGE (like Pinocchio or an elephant’s trunk). When I tactfully asked my friend if his wife is planning on getting a “nose job” one of these days, he simply asked, “why should she?” I guess my friend needs stronger glasses.

  Point is, even he was looking for a beautiful girl, and in his mind, he found one. AS THEY SAY, LOVE IS BLIND! Once there is “love” the flaws are no longer seen.

  In the old days when everyone lived in the shtetel, EVERYONE knew EXACTLY what everyone looked like, but in our global Lubavitch community, we need pictures BEFORE we meet and become blind.

• Zalmen for Congress

  You are totally wrong
  Ask for her mothers picture and you know how she’ll look
  In 20 years

• CW

  #3, wish there was a like button for your comment.

• garbage

  Obviously you haven’t been dating long enough, and you haven’t been given the proper education about Shidduchim. You need to get your priorities straight my friend…and fast. I feel bad for the girls that had to put up with your ridiculous antics.

• FREE SHIDDUCH PICTURES!

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  You can contact me for more info!
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• mushky

  I have no problem giving a picture , but you sound way too chasidish for me. :/

• chaim

  Bochurim need to work and get a taste of real life. We all age, have 3 kids and see how good looking you will look like….

• Far from the box

  If your looks are not what’s going for you, son, then your writing definitely is! Very well written, witty, analytical and persuasive. (If not for “prospective” I would think you had a secular education.)

  You make a good argument. I will add: Why is a photo not good enough but a date good enough? You think you get a good picture of the girl by dating her for (on average) five dates – compared to getting to know her by living with her? Of course no one will advocate for living together before marriage, but if a photo will help you get to know the person — at least superficially — then it’s a good starting point. It’s practical, not shallow.

  People – starting thinking out of the box. Or you will be consumed by your box.

  PS. Indeed, put this article on your resume. That is, if you go into Shadchanus or writing.

• An unmarried yungerman

  I was once married to a woman who I thought looked stunning. Shortly after the marriage I discovered her ugly character. She would treat me like dirt and with utmost disrespect especially in public. Everything was all about her and to her, only she mattered. This beauty quickly became ugly in my eyes. Fortunately, the marriage did not last and I was rescued from Gehenim.

  A few years later I was “set up” with a woman who would be considered “plain” looking (and had a few physical deformities), but she was so refined. She made me feel like her king. Each day was filled with sunshine. I was in Gan Eden.

  Alas, a short while ago Hashem wanted her back in Heaven. I bless each day for the short time I had with this “plain” looking woman who made me so happy. She was really the most beautiful woman in the world.

• Attraction

  Real attraction is based on chemistry between 2 people. It’s kind of sad that you think you are ready to marry when this is not a given for you. Looks change all the time, attraction is something completely different. Please mature a bit before you date anyone, or get a really good friend or mashpia that understands you.

• You-re not ready to get married

  When you are disgusted by your own op-ed, then you should start looking to get married.

• calling all eligible girls!!!

  Alright lets have it out here and now! Who is willing to marry this guy?
  Anyone? Takers?

  Thanks.. I rest my case.

  attention author Let me ask you this. Along with the gorgeous girl comes a few “side perks” needed to maintain that beauty. Most pretty girls also want pretty things.
  Are you willing to shell out thousands of bucks on clothes shoes, manicures, shaitels etc..?
  are you willing to hold her head when she is nauseous, pale, and puffy and covered in vomit from her first pregnancy? Are you willing to keep her after you’ve seen her less than perfect?
  ready for all that? than by all means keep searching for that girl. Just keep it realistic.

• To #62 the unmarried yungerman

  I was moved to tears by what you wrote. You are a blessed human being. I hope you continue finding the sunshine in your life. I would write more but I can’t see through the tears streaming out of my eyes.

• cma

  Unbelievable how you keep quoting the Rebbe, but you have obviously never ready (or paid attention) to what the Rebbe says on the topic. Pick up a copy of Eternal Joy and stop dragging the Rebbe through the mud.

  This, besides the fact that you are a very negative person, not to mention a bad writer, and totally immature.

  Shame on CrownHeights.info for publishing this!

• Fat Mom

  This guy sounds like he wants to have a trophy wife.
  I have news for you Mr. Brad Pitt wannabe. I was once a tall slender beautiful girl who was fashionable and all. I turned heads, and looked as good as the mother of Brad Pitts kids. Today I have to admit, I ballooned after having my kids. I am sure many people can relate.
  Goes to show………
  PS
  Anyone marrying a person like you MR Brad PItt and under your pressure will definitely end up like that.
  Its the character and personality what counts.

  Remember, You cant change a persons looks but you can def change a persons clothing.

• Picture fixture what u need is a video

  A picture is worth a thousand words, that’s more talk than an entire date, but why settle for just a picture??? Insist on a VIDEO of the girl, she should be talking in the video so you can hear her voice (is it whiney or squeaky?). The video should show her walking (does she limp or slouch?). The video should show her laughing (does she sound like a hyena?). If a picture is okay, why not go for a VIDEO????

• Yenta needs to know

  54 wrote: A friend of mine married a girl with a big nose, and I mean it, her nose was HUGE (like Pinocchio or an elephant’s trunk). When I tactfully asked my friend if his wife is planning on getting a “nose job” one of these days, he simply asked, “why should she?” I guess my friend needs stronger glasses.

  Did you ask your friend about his wife’s nose before the wedding, during his wedding or after the wedding?

• Mrs. Very Blessed

  There is nothing wrong or inappropriate to see a picture of a potential date beforehand. On the other hand, as others posted, sometimes a person’s looks become pleasing after awhile. My own marriage is an example of this. When I first met my husband, I thought him to be unattractive, but he has great middos and his looks “grew on me.” I discovered that the man I originally found unattractive became most handsome to me. we have had many years (and children) together, and he’s even more gorgeous as he’s aged. So Mr. Bochur, what can i tell you? You absolutely DESERVE an attractive girl. But remember, the girl you might originally dismiss as “plain” might be the girl who TOTALLY ROCKS YOUR WORLD if you only give her a chance. I wish you hatzlocho in finding the gorgeous girl of your dreams, who is beautiful inside and out!!

• Sheker ha chein v hevel ha yofi

  I guess Sholom Hamelech got it wrong because to some (or most) bochurim looks are everything, unless of course you got gelt, because gelt buys my happiness. Now back to learning samech vov and ayin bais, about atzmus and olomos, moychin and midos. I will stop learning the ma’amor when the shaddchan finds me a pretty girl to date.

• Leah

  Wow maybe you should put a filter on ure computer and as well as….
  Why do people make fun of chassdish way of thinking!?

• I would give you my picture

  …but how do I know you won’t post it all over the internet???

• Anonymous

  Dear Op-Ed,

  I understand your view. People can say whatever they want but you’re being honest and plenty people are not but still smile anyway. We all have preferences, some are permanent and what women are attracted to can vary by their hormone levels month to month. I suggest you google the science of attraction.

  However, you don’t really know how you’ll feel about someone until you meet them in person. If you only go by a picture, you’re not letting G-d give you the opportunity for the “zap” of chemistry that goes beyond looks.

  People fall in and out of attraction all the time. To have a relationship, it takes a lot of work to keep it going.

  #62 – Thank you for sharing.

• Gina

  Maybe he should marry a movie star after all he thinks he looks like brad Pitt and it seems that what his standards are..

• Don-t knock this bochur.

  #40 touched on a few good points. Let me add another few.

  I remember a boy who went out with a number of girls. he kept on insisting that he only wants a very pretty girl and rejected many girls that he went out with because of their looks. he ended up with a girl that was far far worse looking then the girls he went out with. TO HIM SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL. Everyone has a different perspective of what is considered pretty and there are many factors that go into a persons perception of pretty. I know of people who always say how gorgeous their wives or daughters are, and people are amazed to hear it, but beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Besides and most important chochmas odom toar ponov, a persons face will usually tell you the character of the person and that is what one wants to ascertain.

• Kollelman

  The author and others like him should come speak to married kollel yungerleit, rather than to other likemonded single bochurim. A bochur lives in fantasy, a married yungerman is in reality. Visit me or anyone else at Kingston and Union. We’d be happy to shmooze.

• who-s bradd pit?

  I see what your saying. while I don’t share the same perspective as you, I do understand. I am a girl who most people would describe as very pretty and I do not believe in attaching a photo to my resume, I still don’t have one on it. But you should know that the right girl for you will seem attractive to you- she will be the one with the picture, while others did not supply one (bec they were not your bashert) or if she won’t you will somehow now that she is beautiful because – she if for you. Don’t bee so concerned on what others think of you, that should not be your focus right now, do what’s right, have a mashpia and and the more bitachon that it’s hashem and only hashem that creates shidduchim (while you make a vessel) the more brochos you will see

• sholom

  could’t bring myself to read the whole article but i agree with the main point that every profile should be accompanied by a picture. a picture speaks a thousand words and it could save a prevent a painful experience from occurring. this is marriage for life we are talking about a person isn’t about to marry someone they aren’t attracted too. at least most aren’t. some tzadidim might but like my friends mother says you need to fine some who your nefesh habahmis and her nefesh habahmis are compatible.

• sad

  I feel stupid for even commenting….but you know what, you’re an idiot.

  There is really nothing left to say.

• in agreement

  Lets face it-the article was entertaining because we all are writing. Here’s another fact.When people say “love at first sight”they mean “lust at first sight”.I’ve seen some marriages where looks took over and no one bothered to ask if there are mental health issues in the family etc so only later on did the men wake up and vice versa. Anyway, so what if he wants a pretty girl?I just want him to make sure he’s going to be able to pay for botox and gastric bypass if necessary. This man isn’t going to be “learning”with her;he wants to see a darling when he comes home. So what?Everyone wants what they want and just because you don’t share his desires, leave him alone.

• Transformation

  I’ve been to crown heights and many of those girls are more than attractive. They are “hot” and I cannot imagine why this guy is having problems. Many girls say they want to dress down because they don’t want the guy to be fixated on a beauty queen so the expectations won’t be like a pressure cooker.(on the first date) I was at a wedding and saw a young mom in a tichel and glasses.Very plain.For the wedding she changed into a model and it was shocking.To me this seems a lot more exciting than seeing the model the same way. Think about it.

• another bochur (not from CH)

  I am surprised at how well written this article was. I can personally say I agree with his main point, that it saves people trouble later on. I have gone out with a girl for over a month with incredible dates only to be dumped because of my looks. I would have much rather she just looked at a picture and turned me down, instead of getting confused and flip flopping on what she cared more about. As a guy, I also don’t want to waste money and time going out with a girl that I could know in advance I will have no physical attraction to or she wouldn’t be into me.

  For all of the people talking about the fact that peoples appearance changes over time, that is irrelevant to the beginning stages of a relationship, which must be built to a certain degree of chemistry and physical attraction. Once you have kids to and a family to love, looks will matter at least a little less.

• Best Line Ever!

  HAhahahahahaha, if there was an award for best line ever, it go to this:
  “and if she were any more Gezhe she would turn into a Chitas”
  great article! extremely well articulated, as well as informing

• No Takers

  Normally, after shidduchim op-eds, everyone is asking how they can get in touch with the guy/girl for a shidduch…

  Dont see any takers here.

  Your point is good, but you are disillusioned by a modern society’s view and this pollutes an essentially true idea. Attraction IS important, but it should not be dependent upon a picture

• To #65

  LOL, #50 defeated your argument!
  The author is Awesome! Someone finally brought up the elephant in the room! Bout freaggen time!

• OMG! DUUUUUUDE

  WOOOOW!
  How many comments!!!
  BTW, vos iz a shidduch? a meidel? ahhhh!

• My type of guy!

  I wish I can get a date with this type of guy. He is clearly talented, smart, really funny, and he is chilled yet knows how to learn! Ignore the haters! A girl likes a man who knows what he wants.

• WHO ARE YOU YELLING AT?

  The author seems really bright, and probably knows that girls turn into women, and the author never said he is looking for a “flawless” girl! he also never said that looks were the only factor! It’s like you people read a different op-ed!

  Someone says what all guys are thinking and you people just let loose!

  GET A LIFE PEOPLE!

• Been there, Done that

  The author writes from the inexperienced prospective of ‘someone in the Parshah’, however the comments like #3 are written from someone who is actually married.
  I hate to break it to you but #3 is actually right. You get married and if everything else is great you’ll see that looks are not nearly as much of a factor any more.

• not right/wrong; NEEDneeds married frien

  The author of the article may or not have an approach that will work for him, but that doesn’t mean that it will work (or not work) for everyone else either.

  (At it happens, I am a happily married yungerman whose approach was very different than the one espoused by this author)

  Bottom line is that every single person needs to have a married person (or preferably, more than one) whom they trust and feel close to, with whom they can share ideas and get some advice and encouragement that is tailored to their own personality and situation.

• new rule

  no shidduch opeds from people under 30

• Wow!

  Hahaha! Thought-provoking, intelligent, and extremely funny! I’d go out with you, but I’m married. :) Best of luck finding a mate, the community could use more critical thinkers Luke yourself. Might I add… I was on the other side of the fence, but you raise very sound points and I quite agree with your argument. Shana tova!

• to #67

  I’m prety sure the letter he quated is from eternal joy!
  He clearly has good points.

• great article

  I agree with the author.

  Only problem: I GOT a picture that was probably 10 years old… needless to say meeting her I was surprised.

• Tishrei is our Tu b-Av

  There are hundreds of young people here NOW in Crown Heights that need Shidduchim (whether they live here or came here for Yom Tov)

  We ALL need to do whatever we can in the next two weeks to make Shidduchim!

  Tishrei is our Tu b’Av and we need to utilize these next two weeks to the utmost.

  So please, if you know someone who is of marriageable age, find a way – any way – to let others know that he/she is available and would like to go out.

  And don’t be shy in giving people your name.

  I have seen many nice propective girls/boys for my kids but all I see is the face.

  I wish there was some non-awkward way of finding out their name.

  It would be nice if there were designated “people” that could boldly go up to a young person and ask them who they are without being labeled a pervert.

  Many of us fondly remember Shimshon Stock A“H ”dreying zich” by the vieber etc. Hundreds of shidduchim were made by that holy man. Is there no-one, no elter chossid who is above reproach, who can do this now?

• Confused.

  What a writer!
  I really don’t get all the negative comments. He never said he is looking for a beauty queen who will look like she is 19 for life.
  He sounds kind, funny, and like quite the mentch.
  I only have sons, but I would let him date my daughters if I had any.
  Hatzlacha to you!

• sam

  Im sure people that arent good looking have an issue with this oped. but facts are facts and looks make all the diffrience, dont you se people that are heavy marry people that are heavy. the people that say its shallow are just ugly.

• Hello, this isn-t a part of my comment

  I think that physical attraction is necessary, and to all the people who are saying “Well, what happens when she’s not as pretty” The human brain is a really weird thing, and for males, a first impression does matter. Personally, I don’t think rejecting someone because of a photo is the way to determine if you’re attracted to them, I think meeting them first is the best way to go, if you’re still not attracted to them, just say you don’t think it was the right choice, problem solved. And if you’re concerned that it’s a waste of money, my suggestion is go have your date in a park somewhere.

• Dear Author

  If lots of girls that are considered beautiful were unattractive to you, then you probably have a specific look you are seeking.

  Be advised that there’s a lot you don’t know about her true looks till you marry her. And your future wife shouldn’t be made to feel less than beautiful because she doesn’t fit your precise definition of beauty, and attraction.

  Every girl wants to feel accepted for her looks & fully loved. Your needs may make it hard for a girl to live with you.

  You should definitely only marry a girl you are attracted to, but I strongly recommend you discuss your specific vision of beauty & attraction with someone you respect, for her sake and for your sake.

• A Frazzled Girl

  If you want your girl to remain pretty and thin, chances are you’ll need to pay for manicures, nice makeup, and fashionable clothing.
  Also important: cleaning help so your wife isn’t frazzled and overwhelmed and can workout & stay fit. And Babysitting so she has time to take care of herself.

  Amazing looks aren’t usualy free.

• Fat Girl

  I disagree with those that say you should look at a pic of the girls mom to see what she’ll look like in 20 years. While there is truth to that, a girl who is thin and dresses well when she’s single, is more likely to try to keep up her appearance after a few children. She wont look like she did at 20, but she’ll definitely look better than the girl who was overweight as a single who more time to work out and shop for pretty things. It only becomes more challenging to find the time to eat healthy, shop & exercise.

• stam a boucher

  you have a point that the girl has to be attractive to you but there is a the reality that the character personality and similar hashkofus etc. most definitly contribute to the attraction (and in a big way)so even if the picture or the real live girl is not incredibily attractive as long as shes “ok” in your eyes its definitly worth giving it a shot to try to build on the attraction on the other and more important things (and many healthy strong relationtiaps happen like that)

• Mendy

  Awesome Op-ed! really speaks the truth. A must read for all shadchonim!

  To all the comments cursing out the author with little or no reason. You are doing an amazing job of proving the author’s point. This crap is exactly what we go through in the real world. Kudos on proving him right.

• wake up and smell the coffee

  Have u heard of Facebook?

  To all the naysayers out there, about kids and weight gain; beaty fades, but ugly stays. If he wants an attractive wife, what exactly is the big deal? He defines attraction as one of his base levels to marrying someone, and another person may say, “thee girl cannot be a Yankee fan.” Every person is free to choose the characteristics of a prospective other, no matter how trivial it may seem to YOU. That is why he is choosing a mate for himself and not you for him!

• to #76

  your comprehension skills are just out of this world! You have so much hatred for the author that you read what you wanted to…

• to 107

  ur the one who has hatred dude!!! u gotta relax man hes 100 percent right go #76

• To #108

  He said in the op-ed “I’m no Brad Pitt”. You people are idiots.