Op-Ed: The Parent/School Conundrum

They say that educating a child properly takes 50% skill, 50% prayers and 50% tears. This equation expresses two things: Firstly, my life-long frustration with all things math-related. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, the difficulty and struggles that go along with trying to mold a living being into a mentsch.

Educating seems fun, at least while the kid is in diapers. Quickly, though, it becomes apparent that this pudgy, squirming little thing has a mind of its own. We have plans, ideas, concepts and thoughts that we want to somehow implant into its mind. And then … the day comes that we place all that responsibility into that hands of outsiders – the school administration.

Truth be told, I still revel in the fact that I do not have to go to school today. One of my earliest extant pieces of writing is a note excusing myself for not doing my homework. I signed it, “My Mom”. So while my experiences in school can only be described as Alcatrazian, I am desperately hoping that none of my children experience the same.

You see, I grew up as the third of seven children in relatively small East Coast communities. My oldest brother was born with Cystic Fibrosis, a nasty disease (if diseases are ever anything but nasty). In short, I became a bit of a lightning rod for his fears and frustrations. My parents somehow managed to shepherd me through school despite my persistent run-ins with school authority figures. They did this with an incredible amount of patience, coaching, and above all, awareness. They were (and still are) eminently aware of my strengths and weaknesses, my skills and foibles.

I often wonder, how much of my struggle with authority had to do with the stress of dealing with a deadly disease in my own home? I have no interest in making excuses for myself, but I wonder what would have happened if one of my teachers had considered that as a source of the reason why this small kid kept on running off at the mouth? Deep inside, I desperately wanted someone to take me and mentor me. Someone to see and understand whatever potential I had; I certainly did not have the emotional maturity to know how to express those thoughts. Unfortunately, no teacher I had ever understood that, or took the time to try to understand it, and as a result, I spent so much time in detention that my mother eventually decided to become the school secretary.

As a parent of five myself, I’ve learned of the essential need to advocate for and interact with my own children. Had my parents not been as involved as they were, I shudder to think where I’d be now.

(Ironically, it was precisely the lack of external mentorship in my own childhood that led me to a career in mentorship.)

“Educate a child according to HIS way,” says King Solomon. Education can only be successful when the educators recognize each individual as an indispensable individual, not just, to borrow a quote from the other side of things, another “brick in the wall”. Educators (parents, teachers and principles) must recognize each child’s unique challenges as springboards to a bright future. But we, as parents, must embrace our job as the role models and purveyors of Judaic and Chassidic values to our children – not expecting it to come solely from the schools. After all, to a child, reality is determined by what is seen at home. So if you add consistency in messaging to a well-rounded understanding of the child’s individual needs, you should come up with a future of nachas, despite the bumps in the road.

Now that’s an equation I can understand.