If we are to date differently because of modern times then shouldn’t we have developed entirely different emotions and feelings than our past ancestors? Shouldn’t our body and soul respond differently to relationships if we are behaving differently because we are modern? Shouldn’t we experience less pain and disappointments? After all, if we are going to be different in the way we date and marry, and not practice religious or traditional practices then shouldn’t we be doing this because we are benefiting in our relationships and as individuals?
Dating With Dignity: The Case for Religious Dating in a Modern World
We are living in modern times—not ancient times. This is true. In ancient times we had camels and tents, in modern times we have cars and houses. Out with the old, and in with the new. So if we drive the cars, live in the houses, carry the cell phones, and throw the clothes in the washing machine, should there be any thought about dating by religious principles (otherwise viewed as out dated, old fashioned, and ancient) ? That wouldn’t seem to make sense. We do after all live in modern times….or don’t we?
If we are to date differently because of modern times then shouldn’t we have developed entirely different emotions and feelings than our past ancestors? Shouldn’t our body and soul respond differently to relationships if we are behaving differently because we are modern? Shouldn’t we experience less pain and disappointments? After all, if we are going to be different in the way we date and marry, and not practice religious or traditional practices then shouldn’t we be doing this because we are benefiting in our relationships and as individuals?
The reality is, modern dating has not minimized our problems. We are not better human beings and we are not in healthier relationships because we are modern. On the contrary, we have more problems, more heart aches, and more self-help books on dating and marriage than ever before. The truth is our ability to experience pain, jealousy, betrayal, trust, and love has not changed from times long ago. We still feel all the same emotions. In addition to that, we are more confused than ever. We are completely ambivalent as to what we have to offer to another human being, and the right qualities we need to look for in a partner. How can this be true? Let’s take a brief visit into the world of modern dating and see for ourselves…
Nowadays the main focus in dating is not to look for the right person. It is to be stimulated. To be stimulated is to be entertained, to be excited, and to be absorbed in feeling. This is why there are really no set rules in modern dating. Anything goes. Do what you feel like doing. So when two people meet and feel an attraction, it’s only “natural” they go out on a date to see where “it” goes….”It” has its own mind, you see. And “it” can go in any direction it pleases. In fact, the average modern individual who dates will most likely agree that the point of dating is to go out with someone you’re attracted to and “see where things go”. Why? Because the unexpected is stimulating! Unfortunately, exchanging intimate acts with strangers that later leads to indifference and insensitivity, getting married blindly, and being involved in long term relationships that lead to nowhere have all been achieved in the name of “wanting to see where it all goes.” In modern dating practices, it’s normal to become intimately involved and later suffer hurt from a relationship that could have been prevented because, after all, neither of the two individuals planned it—“it” just happened. And since there are no rules, there are also no boundaries. A woman can invite a man who was only a stranger to her yesterday, and bring him to the privacy of her home, and share the bed she sleeps in every night simply because she is stimulated by her attraction to him at the moment. We would never think to invite a stranger we just met and permit him to sleep in our bed with us. That would be absurd. We understand that not only can this person be someone with bad character flaws, but the act of having someone in bed with us is private and intimate. And yet this is practiced by countless individuals nowadays in the modern dating world.
What about compatibility between the man and the woman? Let’s stop here because usually, this is the most brought up complaint modern society has about orthodox dating. The dramatic question of “how does a man and a woman know they are physically compatible if they wait until they are married to be physical?” Notice, the burning question is not “how do they know they are right for each other?” Instead, the focus again is on stimulation, whether their physical union will be satisfying. This is the perfect place to exit the modern dating world and enter the religious dating world, and see things with a clarifying perspective.
In the religious world of dating, the focus is on one thing: REALITY. The religious do not reject passion and the importance of a satisfying physical union. On the contrary, they are all too aware of the power of passion. They understand the power of touch. So the religious and the modern are in agreement here. So what’s the problem? What the religious mindset does reject is the notion that this passion is superior to the basic dignity of a human being. In fact, it is not even considered passion. It is simply lust because true passion always involves the soul. A person can lust for another because his physical side has been stimulated, but passion comes from becoming intimately involved with the soul of the other person so that passion then becomes an expression of that union. Sadly, most people in modern relationships have felt lust—but not passion. You know this is true when you hear so many people ask, “how can two people get married without ever touching?!” Lasting physical compatibility doesn’t start and end with physicality. It starts with the connection of the spirit and the mind between an emotionally healthy man and woman who want nothing more than to give to one another. Still doubting this? Ask yourselves how many times you have heard of couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other while dating, only to later experience the complete opposite after they’re married—to the point that they stop physically relating! Where is the importance on the physical union now? Only then, does it come out—“we are not emotionally compatible,” or “we really have very different life goals and values,” or “we just can’t stand each other.”
So realizing this REALITY, the religious mindset understands that relating physically before marriage does not prevent problems—it only creates them. To prevent constant heart break in relationships, torah principles teach us never to treat a person in a way that separates his physical and spiritual side. Instead, we treat a person with dignity by responding to him as a whole—his spiritual and physical being is inseparable in our eyes.
If becoming physical is put aside, then what does a couple who are engaged in religious dating, focus on? The focus becomes on getting to know one another…on being able to answer: Is there an attraction? Does the person have good character traits? Does our personality/nature complement one another? Do we value similar things in life? Do we have a complimentary mission of the path we want to take in life? And lastly…are we accepting to live with the person, knowing some of his flaws/weaknesses? If this all sounds boring and somehow lacks stimulation, then ask yourself if emotional pain, or worse—losing the beauty that innocence and romance has to offer is any better? Why is innocence and romance important? Because you cannot fully appreciate the quality of something, when you have allowed yourself to become desensitized to it. Nowadays, innocence and romance is seen with much less than it truly has to offer. Modern dating equates romance with flattery, an urgent physical connection, creative ways of flirting, words of affection, and the draw of the environment.
In the religious view, true romance is the act of never ending depth in the relationship. Growing in love takes precedence over falling in love because with true love there is no “falling”. When you grow in love, you do so with open eyes, and an open heart. You are moved by the person’s soul gradually…with time, by observing the individual’s actions, focusing on who he really is, instead of on how your senses are being satisfied. When you are able to do this—to grow in love, you come to value innocence. You look at the individual before you—your bashert (other half), with wonder and immense gratitude because, as well aware as you are of his faults, you still choose to spend your life with him because he is right for you. And as aware as he is of your faults, he still chooses to share his life with you because you are right for him. So then, waiting till you find the one person who is right for you among all the many you could have chosen or he could have chosen becomes a time that belongs to the both of you. And waiting till after your marriage to express the physical passion you feel for each other becomes more than special, more than cherished—it becomes sacred. And what could be more romantic than that?
great article
This is a wonderfully written article and rings so true. Thank you for sharing.
chatzkel
About “modern dating”: There is a modern term out there called “shomer negiah”, implying that it’s optional, i.e. if you’re chassidish you are shomer negiah and if you’re more open minded you don’t have to be shomer negiah.
This is a grave mistake! It’s a lack of knowledge of Halachah.
Any deliberate touching (and that’s what this is about obviously, a pat on the back, a hug, a kiss, putting an arm on the others back and the like) is an Issur min haTorah (not miderabanan).
The posuk states in the end of parshas Acharei ואל אשה . . לא תקרב לגלות , that even קרבת גילוי ערוה, getting close to it is forbidden, which refers to any affectionate touching. Actual גילוי is an איסור כרת, the לא תקרב is an איסור לאו, but min haTorah forbidden nevertheless (so it’s not like eating on Yom Kippur, but it’s like eating pork!)
Not acceptable
This website is read by countless children, adolescents, etc. I don’t think this article is appropiate for a frum website. I really don’t think everything has to be discussed in public and I would think that the right thing to do would be to remove it.
Sarahla
Rochel!
You are a true inspiration to everyone around you, you always have a kind word to say and a smile on your face. I am so glad that I know you.
Sara H.
This article might be good for people to read, however I feel it shouldn’t be posted so openly where children can read it. Young teens who have pure minds don’t need to read about the outside world garbage!
Anonymous
One can date with the modern ideas and still have Shomer Negea. One does not have to touch to see how each other cares
Oiss vorrff
Gr8 artical . I can relate very well to this . As u can see I am a oissvorf . And @ the end of the day I do agree with the writer . And thank G-d my kids dated and married the right
way . The Torah way . Me….. Oh well still ah oissvorf .
to # 2 SHADCHAN
Great comments #2 and very true… please respect yourself and be SHOMER NEGIAH, will bring much luck in shiduch-dates to everyone of us in this community. WE DON’T NEED MORE KIDS CALLED CHILLED OR MODERN ON THE STREET OF CROWN HEIGHTS, THAT’S NOT WHAT OUR DERECH WITH OUR REBBE TEACHINGS, IT STARTS AT HOME from THE PARENTS, IN YESHIVOT, IN SHIDUCH DATES LATER ON….
WHY POST THIS PUBLICLY?
quite surprised you are posting this article
I realize (all to well) that this issue exists, but there is a time and place for everything. Posting this on a regularly family-read website is beyond the proper boundaries.
Isnt this exactly what the article is discussing – breaching the proper boundaries of tznius and halacha?!?
sarah
very well said! clearly written. thank u-our teens need to hear this!
bob
Very good and pertinent article! Well reasoned too. (from a goy!)
anonymous
Seriously?? You are most definitely right this should not have been posted on a family website, cause i am sure you want your kids reading this…
Also, you are completely exaggerating. People do not, for the lack of better words, invite someone to their home because they feel a spark or whatever.. that’s sheer stupidity. And define modern? because when i was in High school our principle said that anyone who went to college was considered ‘modern’ and if that is the case than CH is in a lot of trouble….
CH MOM
To Not Acceptable, #3:
If parents let their children use the internet, they should be supervised. Yes, no matter what website they are visiting!!!! This article on CH.Info does not need to be read by them. And if children are not supervised on the web, you have a LOT more to worry about than them reading this article!!!!
Article supports Torah values
Are frum children roming around on the internet unsupervised?
If teenagers are reading this, I doubt they are completely unaware of what goes on in the world. If our mission in life is to elevate our world and bring Hashem into all aspects of life, then this also includes the goyim, jews who are frum and Jews who are not frum. This article tounches upon a HUGE problem in the world we live. If a teenager has a pure mind does that mean he has no place helping those who are struggling with purity in this instanse? Aren’t we trying to raise our children to grow up to look at the world around (as opposed to shut their eyes) and try to help bring G-dlinees by inspiring others to do what is RIGHT? This article supports and upholds Torah–that’s the point.
Yaakov M
For the person that said that taking people home never happens, please understand how wonderfully sheltered you are. I am in yeshivah st 41 and I can tell you plenty of frum from birth kids are acting stupidly as you stated. Many are exploring dating on their own and have no concept of the advantages of frum dating. I hope to god they will read more on the subject before they decide to be modern. I appreciate frum dating immensely only because I have spent years in the secular world. I might be wrong, but I feel children in crown heights should be taught a better appreciation of the Chassidic life they get to grow up with.
Great article
First of all, I doubt that any child/teenager who sees an article of this length is actually going to sit and read it. However, the message of this article is actually written with modesty and sensitivity. If this is an aspect of everyone’s lives, then there’s nothing wrong about discussing it. Where else if not on a community website a community issue should be brought up?
And by the way, the whole reason that our youth is doing things they shouldn’t be is because of parents who, with intentions of keeping them sheltered and innocent, fail to discuss realistic issues with them.
Thank you for the article
Todah
Thank you for posting this it is very important to know this when thinking about marriage. And for anyone who thinks this is innapropriate for little kids I just wanted to let you know that those kids will grow up eventually and the world will change so who cares if they know this at a young age. why do your children have to be so naive?
Modern Girl
Man, a lot of you really don’t know anything about modern dating. No wonder Crown Heights are in trouble. You have to learn how to respect that some people actually see lust as an important factor in life, and that bringing someone you like home to your bed might not be what you want to do, but for others (like me) it’s not considered all that bad, as long as you feel confident in your decision and know what you’re doing. We respect how you want to live your life, so try doing that for us as well, and not labeling it as bad, impure or wrong. Each individual should be able to live their life at they choose, as long as it brings no harm to others.
In response to: Modern Girl
It sounds like you felt judged by the article. That is understandable. But, people do decide for themselves (as you do as well) what they deem as respectable behavior in themselves and in others. Yes, this is judgment. The truth is everybody to some degree judges, without it we could not know right from wrong or good and bad. This doesn’t necessarily mean that, G-d forbid, YOU are judged as being bad (you may very well be a very nice person) only that your behavior has more of a chance to cause damage and hurt. And if your behavior has the potential to hurt YOU, then that’s enough of a reason for an article like this to be written. May G-d bless you with all that is meaningful and good.
Arnold, CA
Wow wonderful article. Please write some more. It’s probably best that teenagers read this. I can’t imagine what most teens have seen/read by the time they have read this article. This is the way we should teach our youth. Be honest be open about these very real and very harsh realities. Kol hakavod Rachel. Thank you.
MS
Excellent article. I think that teens MUST hear this message, but it is best to hear it through parents, or trusted educators. If they are already hearing it from those preferred sources, this article does no harm. And if they are not hearing the message from those who should be talking to them early on, perhaps it is not so bad that they learn about it here…