Letter & Spirit: Marriage Before Financial Independence

In this week’s edition of Letter & Spirit, we present a letter of the Rebbe in which he explains the importance of getting married early on, even if the young couple is not yet financially independent. The letter was written through the Rebbe’s trusted secretary Rabbi Nissan Mindel, and was made available by his son-in-law Rabbi Sholom Ber Shapiro.

The Rebbe points to some valid reasons for early marriage – reasons which are for the best interest of the young couple and society at large. How necessary is college education for parnosso? Not very, says the Rebbe.

This new weekly feature is made possible by a collaboration between CrownHeights.info and Nissan Mindel Publications. Once a week we will be publishing unique letters of the Rebbe that were written originally in the English language, as dictated by the Rebbe to Rabbi Mindel.

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By the Grace of G-d

5737

Mr.

Roslyn, New York

Greeting and Blessing:

This is in reply to your letter in which you write about the matter of parnassah. The thrust of your position is that nowadays considerable preparatory schooling and formal secular education are indispensable in order to get on in business or employment; you also contend that we need Jewish doctors, lawyers and other professionals – all of which poses a challenge to the primacy of Torah education and early marriage, etc.

Although you begin your arguments with a quotation from the Shulchan Aruch, they are advanced primarily from the viewpoint of secular considerations. So I will address myself to this aspect of the problem, that is, from the secular viewpoint.

To begin with, you must surely know that statistics show that an overwhelming percentage of college graduates establish themselves economically in fields other than those in which they graduated.

You are no doubt also aware that, in this country at any rate, it has been the trend for many years, and more so recently, that economic opportunities have been related less to college degrees than to personal contacts and being fortunate enough to get a “push;” in other words, it is not so much “what you know” as “who you know.” For better or for worse, the fact is that the importance of a college degree has been on the wane in recent years.

A further point – again from the secular view -is basic to the so-called “exact” sciences, namely, that the first thing is to know what the facts are, and only then can one try to explain them; for no amount of logic can alter the facts. This is the old philosophical rule that opinions follow reality, and not vice versa. Hence, in regard to marriage, any sociologist will tell you that precisely in the materialistically oriented society of the U.S.A., most marriages are entered into before the couple has attained economic security, and the acquisition of a home comes still later.

Now for the problem itself. It is true that the rule of the Shulchan Aruch which you quote (first establishing oneself in a business or profession, then buying a house, then taking a bride) would be the ideal procedure. But it has also been explained that this rule applies only when it is practicable. In earlier times, when standards of living were modest, it was possible to establish oneself with a parnassah at a relatively early age. However, in recent generations, if a man were to ‘postpone marriage until he was securely established with a parnassah and has bought a house -it is easy to imagine the consequences. Indeed, there is no need to leave anything to the imagination, nor is there any need to go into painful detail as to the state of morality in those circles where marriage is unduly postponed. Compare it with the high standards of morality and family stability in the frum circles, where early marriage is the rule.

In recent years, a further consideration has come into prominence. We Jews are survivors of the Holocaust, and everyone should do everything possible to counteract Hitler’s plan of the “final solution,” which his heirs have not given up. Anything that tends to reduce and decimate our Jewish people, G-d forbid, either quantitatively or qualitatively (through assimilation and the like), plays into the hands of our enemies. Therefore, a Jew who sets up a home and family early, on the foundations of the Torah, a binyan adei ad in the fullest sense, deals a blow to Hitler’s heirs and strengthens our people.

Finally, there are further points in favor of early marriage; parents are generally willing to help out their newlywed children until they become entirely self-sufficient; there are various relief agencies, federal, state and city, with various helpful programs, as well as job-training facilities, trade schools, etc., all designed to make life easier in the contemporary complex society.

In summary, from every viewpoint, not least from the viewpoint of a healthy moral society, it is not in the best interest of young people and the society at large to postpone marriage until they are fully independent economically, as you seem to advocate. You will surely understand why I cannot share your view.

With blessing,

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The above letter is from the archives of Rabbi Dr. Nissan Mindel, a personal secretary to the Previous Rebbe and The Rebbe, whose responsibilities included the Rebbe’s correspondence in English.

Many of the letters are now being published in The Letter and the Sprit, a series of volumes by Nissan Mindel Publications.

We thank Rabbi Sholom Ber Shapiro, director of Nissan Mindel Publications and the one entrusted by Rabbi Mindel, his father-in-law, with his archives, for making these letters available to the wider public. May the merit of the many stand him in good stead.

3 Comments

  • Best advise

    We still have the Rebbes advise BH and it is indispensible..he is encouraging us to have full bitoychon in the RSHO to help all the new chossanim and kallahs