SATIRE: Why I’m Against Ceremony and What It Is
Part #1
I have an issue. Everyone keeps talking about this thing called ceremony, and it’s driving me up the wall!
I hear the word ceremony 500 times at every single Shabbos table, at every single Shabbos meal, in every Jewish home, in every single neighborhood. And as a Jewish man from Brooklyn, I can confidently say that I have never been to ceremony in my life—but I have very strong opinions about why you shouldn’t go and what happens there.
No, I don’t know what happens in (what they call) ceremony. However, I do remember that the Marvelous Midos Machine once spoke about the Wookie Jookie plant they needed to get from Chief Bologna in the Congo. Boruch Hashem, I hear Chief Bologna is still alive and still the head of the Mombo Jombo tribe. Is that where they get thee AYEWAS- nu the Wookie Jookie Plant? I have literally no idea if this is what they serve at ceremony and call medicine, but I also heard you could throw up from it, so maybe it’s Wookie Jookie.
I also heard that the purpose of this so-called medicine in ceremony, especially after the second cup, is to make you see the truth of life and all the places you went wrong. But I already get that from the Marvelous Midos Machine every time there’s a Midos Alert—so why do I need to go to ceremony if I can just read a book? Is it the same thing as therapy? (Which I have also never been to, but I am also against.)?
The real reason I’m against ceremony is from a Toyota perspective. I never learned anything in Yeshiva and I can barely read Hebrew, but I have a very strong, well-researched Toyota perspective on why you should not go to ceremony. Also, ethically, morally, and legally, you should never go to ceremony—even though I cheat on my taxes and I’ve never used the word ethical in my life.
The main thing is that when people mention ceremony at the Shabbos table—and they themselves went—I can sense that they’re being vulnerable. So, naturally, I laugh at them. “What’s all this ceremony business people are talking about?” I usually say with a smirk. If you need help, read a book or go to therapy. I know because I personally am not vulnerable in that situation.
Besides, most people who go to ceremony are anyway mishoogoyim and all nuts and hippies probably—even though, somehow, there’s usually a minyan for Maariv before there’s a minyan for Shachris in the morning. And I must say that many very respectable Rabbonim have gone to the Wookie Jookie ceremony. But still—I know they are all doing shfichas dommim and avoydeh zuhurh mamesh (and my wife won’t let me go), so I’m against it.
Truth is, why does anyone need ceremony anyway? Haimish communities are doing just fine, especially when it comes to mental health since the Holocaust—and especially in the past 20 years. So what exactly do you need to go to ceremony for? Does it change anything? Does it make you a better person?
I knew a guy who read a book about someone who had a cousin that died 100 years ago, and that cousin had a friend who had a dream about an elephant that got divorced and went to ceremony—and after the ceremony, nothing changed. So why do you havto go? Also. I know a guy who went to ceremony and nine years later he got fired from his job, ok?
Besides, some people don’t go just once; they go twice. If it’s the perfect answer for all the sicknesses and all the problems of all the world forever and ever, why do you have to go more than once?
I heard that they charge for Cermony? Why do you need for ceremony? If it’s so important then don’t charge. Why do they charge just to rent a place and bring musicians and bring helpers and bring food for the morning and work the whole night? Since when do people charge for that?
The truth is, even if I did go to ceremony, I wouldn’t go to anyone serving the medicine who lives in America I would rather much rather make it very expensive go to another country with someone who doesn’t speak English and has no idea where I’m coming from. That makes more sense to me. Besides who are you to serve medicine? Are you better than Chief Bologna to serve the Wookie Jookie? What even makes you qualified to serve medicine? I know nothing about the subject, and I’ve never been to ceremony, but I’m allowed to ask—since the other person is vulnerable, and I know nothing about it.
Besides, I heard that in ceremony, your ego gets broken, AND you go through a healing process, AND they have beautiful music all night long, AND if it’s used together with therapy, the Wookie Jookie can have a positive effect on you—especially after the second cup of Wookie Jookie.
But why is that important?
Sincerely,
Every Jewish Guy in Brooklyn
