SATIRE: Sneezing and Shidduchim, and Important Issue People Never Talk About
Copyright 2025 by Chana Shloush
There’s a very important issue in shidduchim that people never talk about: how the eligible single sounds when they sneeze. I mean, it’s a significant quality of life question. After all, you marry this person and have to listen to them sneeze here and there for 120 years! If they have a very annoying sneeze that sounds like a train whistle, foghorn or tornado, it could really upset your Shalom Bayis.
I happen to have been extremely lucky. My husband, Zichrono Livracha, had a tiny, quiet, adorable little sneeze. Like a newborn baby. Like a Tzaddik. I mean, I’ve never heard a Tzaddik sneeze before, but that is how I imagine it would sound. I was so privileged to be zoche to hear that sweet little sneeze from time to time for all the years of our marriage B”H.
And the sound of a person’s sneeze is hereditary, you know. That’s why it’s super-important to check this out before your son or daughter gets engaged. A pleasant-sounding sneeze should be one of the Top Five Necessary Qualities on every single’s shidduch list, even if you keep it a secret and don’t tell the shadchanim. Pretty soon they’ll probably include it on the Dor Yeshorim test. Actually, several of my children inherited the gene for my husband’s tiny sneeze which is such a blessing. Hashem was so kind to us!
My father Alav Hashalom had a loud sneeze that could half tear the house down — but only half. My mother Aleha Hashalom had a medium-volume sneeze. My brother inherited my father’s sneeze. And mine? Well, it’s not quiet, but don’t tell anybody.
I’m thinking – maybe it could be a good idea if we advise our singles to bring a small envelope of black pepper along on the first date. When nobody is looking, they could sprinkle a little pepper in front of their date and see how they tolerate the sound of the resulting sneeze. The only problem could be that if their date had a terrible sneezing fit, the pepper sprinkler might get arrested for assault. That wouldn’t help the shidduch along too well. And what if they really liked the sound of their date’s sneeze?
Oh well, at first it seemed like a plan.
Wishing all the singles great success in finding their soulmates!
Mushkie
I turned down a shidduch because he was a multiple sneezer. That’s a person that sneezes a few sneezes, one after the other. You see, I am a single sneezer, only one sneeze at a time. As a single sneezer, I simply wouldn’t be compatible with a multi-sneezer. Single sneezers need to be matched with other single sneezers. We stick to our own kind of sneezers. And that’s not something to sneeze at!
Kop Doktar
When my friend sneezes, I need an umbrella to avoid getting drenched. I mean, he really let’s loose a tsudden orrential downpour. It happens so fast, he rarely has time to cover his mouth. Whenever I meet with him, I keep my umbrella open, at the ready, for mashiv ha’ruach u’morid hagoshem.
Tomim
As chazal would have said, “Odom nikar b’sneezo”, you can tell a man by his sneeze. But the sneeze does not make the man. And the sneeze will not set you free. Not all sneezes are created equally. To sneeze or not to sneeze, that is the question. It was the best of sneezes and the worst of sneezes, as we tell a tale of two sneezes. The main thing is tu gezunt and leben, l’chaim.
Huh?
Is this funny?
How would you feel if your son or daughter was turned down only because of a sneeze?!?
This is in poor taste.
Mushkie
If your son or daughter was turned down because of a sneeze, you should say Hallel and make a kiddush to thank Hashem for sparing you from such a nut job. Even if your son or daughter are also nut-jobs, the two nuts need to be compatible. I mean, you can’t make a shidduch between a peanut and a hazelnut. It won’t work. They have nothing in common. Heck, they aren’t even the same brocha! U R NUTS!
Crown Heightser
Huh? Poor taste? What does a sneeze taste like? Do some sneezes taste rich while others taste poor? Should a rich sneeze contribute to the poor sneeze? There are things done in good taste and others done on bad taste, but where does wealth or poverty come to taste? Sire, you want it so bad you can taste it, but do you also want to sneeze so bad you can taste it? Dreams are good or bad but sneezes?
anonymous
How is a sneeze not a cough? Is a cough not a sneeze from the mouth? So why knock the sneeze and glorify the cough? It’s pure discrimination. It’s anti-sneezism!
Crn Hts Outsider
My dad is a loud multiple sneezer, and takes great pride in his sneezes.
A few times, the front door swung open after a sneeze, even though my dad was in a different part of house..
The only down side to having a parent who is a loud sneezer is the car alarms go off late at nite.