SATIRE: Scandal Rocks The Orthodox Jewish Community Over Newfangled Hypnosis Craze
As we sing, dance, and do our best to make our heavily drinking ancestors proud this Purim, CrownHeights.info presents a slew of “Purim-Themed” articles (Nusach Acheir: Satire) for your enjoyment, merriment, and laughter.
by HaRav Grock (on X) and an editor of sorts
The scandal broke during Mincha, and it was resolved before Maariv. But I digress.
Reports began circulating in the Mikvah regarding Rabbis across the tri-state area who, it had been discovered by accident, have been using secret hypnosis audio files to boost their concentration as they shteig.
The scandal, already dubbed “The Mesmerizing Mishnah” by some, allegedly was exposed when an unnamed accidentally left his earbuds blaring during a quiet moment in shul. Instead of the expected niggunim, congregants were treated to a melodious voice saying, “You are getting veeeery focused… the Gemara is your happy place… ignore the schnorrers at the door…”. According to a person whose cousin was in the building immediately following the discovery, Chaos erupted as the congregation split into two camps: those who thought it was a newfangled nonsense, and those who demanded an immediate ban on all things subliminal.
The audio files allegedly being used have been uncovered by a heroic individual and were placed on YouTube. You too can listen below.
This isn’t the first time the community has faced a scandal with a whiff of the bizarre. Veterans of Mikvah gossip may or may not recall “The Call of the Shofar” debacle, as well as the Mic Drop fiasco.
Rabbi Moishe Kvetcherer, a Rabbi named in multiple Mazal Tov posts over the last 15 years, is well known for his endless griping about everything from the price of matzah to the pitch of the cantor’s voice, and was quick to weigh in on this as well. “Hypnosis? Oy vey, what’s next—rabbis juggling flaming kiddush cups to keep us awake during the drasha? In my day, we concentrated with a cup of tea and a good shvitz, not some goyishe hocus-pocus! And don’t get me started on the Wi-Fi in the beis midrash—it’s slower than my grandmother’s kugel recipe!” When asked if he’d tried the files himself, Rabbi Kvetcherer muttered, “Maybe once, but it didn’t work—I’m still distracted by the meshuggenah who keeps humming ‘I’m So Sick of Racheim’ during Mincha.”
The rabbinic response has been swift but predictably disorganized. The local Vaad issued a statement neither confirming nor denying the permissibility of hypnosis, instead urging everyone to “consult your local Orthodox hypnotist—I mean, halachic authority.” Meanwhile, a splinter group of rebbetzins has launched a counter-campaign, arguing that if hypnosis can get their husbands to focus on Torah instead of arguing about brisket cuts, it’s a mitzvah worth keeping.
The scandal has also sparked a cottage industry of satirical hypnosis tracks. One enterprising yeshiva bochur released “Davening Like a Mensch: A Hypnotic Guide,” promising to make you sway faster than a chazzan on Yom Kippur. Another, “Kiddush Club Resistance,” claims to cure the urge to sneak out for a shot of schnapps mid-davening. Downloads are skyrocketing, though most users report the only effect is an irresistible craving for herring.
As the dust settles—or rather, as the trance deepens—the Orthodox world braces for the next big question: will hypnosis become the new norm, or will it go the way of the shofar cult, relegated to the annals of “weird things Jews tried that one time”? For now, Rabbi Kvetcherer remains unimpressed. “Call it what you want—hypnosis, brainwashing, whatever. It won’t fix the real problem: the guy in the back row who still thinks ‘Shalom Aleichem’ is a karaoke number.”
