SATIRE: Yeshiva of All Yeshivas To Open This Spring

After years of reading (and commenting on) provocative articles on various websites, a group of Crown Heights Askonim have decided to finally take action that will simultaneously address multiple crises that the community faces, including reaching all of our youth, and the cost of tuition.

Details are still being worked out, so a member of the committee spoke only on the condition of anonymity. “You could call me Yosef,” he said, “because with the opening of Yeshivas Hayeshivos I have big Chaloimois. The idea is to create a Yeshiva for every Bochur,” he explained.

The Yeshiva will be run by Yungeleit who have many years of experience in Chinuch, but at the same time are young enough to understand today’s youth.

The level of learning and expected behavior will rival the “best” Yeshivos, as the highest standards will be set, while at the same time providing for Bochurim who have alternative needs.

All Bochurim will be accepted, no questions asked. Because every Bochur deserves a chance.

Suggested tuition is $45,000 for the year, but no one will ever be turned away for lack of funds. Because you can’t put a price on a Bochur’s life. The family should give what they feel they can.

Using Google Maps and Waze, the informal Vaad has been looking into a few campuses in the tri- state area, where the Yeshiva could have a quiet out-of-town feel, while being close enough to the Big City and all its conveniences.

While most new Yeshivos open with one or two grades, Yeshivas Hayeshivos will be opening a full Mesivta and Beis Midrash immediately. Immediately, as in the day after Shushan Purim. Because Chinuch can’t wait.

Of course, funding of this everything-for-everyone Yeshiva remains a concern, but only dreamers believe that dreams come true. Meanwhile, each member of the Vaad was going to buy a lottery ticket because “all you need is a dollar and a dream.” Unfortunately they discovered that lottery tickets these days cost two dollars.