INBOX: Creating a Positive Yom Tov Experience for Your Family

by Zoey Saacks – LCSW

As the Yom Tov season approaches, we are running, shopping, cooking, inviting, hosting, and planning. There is so much to get done. An important part of our preparation is something that may not make it onto our lists: thinking intentionally about how we will hold ourselves and our families through this busy time to create positive, meaningful experiences and memories throughout the Tishrei season.

Self-care is not selfish

We cannot run on an empty tank. Take time to eat and hydrate yourself. Prioritize getting enough sleep. Manage our own emotions. Use the resources available to you—ask for help, delegate, and allow other family members to participate.

If resources are limited, be realistic about what you can manage. Maybe this means simpler meals or sticking with familiar recipes rather than deciding that this is the time to experiment with something complicated. Our children and families are likely to benefit far more from a parent who has the capacity to be present than from another gourmet dish or a perfectly set home at the expense of an overextended parent.

Even eating can feel like something we don’t have time for when there is so much to do. Sitting down to eat rather than grabbing bites while running around may only add a few minutes. Taking those few minutes can create capacity and calm for what comes next.

Stress does not move time

When we are running and have so much to prepare, it can feel as though we simply don’t have enough time. Becoming increasingly stressed doesn’t give us more of it. Quite the opposite, stress can create more room for frustration, anger, mistakes, and even accidents.

Notice what is happening in your body. Take a deep breath, loosen your shoulders, sit down for a moment, and take a sip of water. Give your body a chance to reset rather than continuing to push through. Often, pushing through when we are already overwhelmed can be the very thing that leads to losing our patience, creating conflict, or making mistakes.

Prepare your children, too

Yom Tov changes children’s usual schedules and routines. There may be late meals, guests in the house, different bedtimes, long stretches at the table, or meals in other people’s homes.

We are going to spend time managing our children during Yom Tov. We can spend that time reacting to problems and conflicts as they happen, or we can take the time to communicate, prepare, and work to set our children up for the changes ahead.

If you are hosting, sharing toys may be difficult for some children. Talk about it ahead of time. Are there toys your children are comfortable sharing with guests? Are there special or fragile toys they would rather put away? Allowing children to make that distinction can be a simple way of teaching healthy boundaries.

Think about meals as well. Make sure there are familiar foods your children enjoy, and consider whether they may need to eat something before a long or late Yom Tov meal. This may not be the time to expect children to suddenly eat unfamiliar foods or sit at the table for hours.

If you are traveling, support your children in packing a familiar toy or activity that can comfort and engage them while they are away from home. Small amounts of preparation can help set your children up for a more positive experience.

Make room for what is important to your children

Children are often excited to show us the projects they made or share something they learned about Yom Tov. During the pre-Yom Tov preparations, invite your children to set aside their projects or work they prepared for Yom Tov in a safe, designated place.

Communicate and create a time when your children will be able to share what they made or learned. Maybe that will be at the Yom Tov table. If you know the meal will be busy or your children won’t be comfortable speaking in front of everyone, find a few minutes beforehand. Look at their projects. Listen to what they learned. Give them the opportunity to feel that their work and what they want to share are valued.

Sometimes children simply need a few minutes of our full attention. Creating these moments can help our children feel seen and settled and give them space to experience Yom Tov more positively.

Inclusion over perfection

Look for opportunities to include your children in preparing for and participating in Yom Tov.

Yes, it may take longer. Things may move more slowly. The napkins may not be perfectly straight. These moments can become an important part of the Yom Tov experience your children remember.

A three-year-old can carry napkins to the table. A six-year-old can put out cutlery. A ten-year-old can cut vegetables for a salad. A fourteen-year-old may be able to follow a recipe and make a dessert.

When we include our children, the preparation itself becomes part of Yom Tov rather than simply something that needs to be completed before Yom Tov begins.

There will always be another dish we could make, another area we could clean, and another detail we could perfect. Our children are experiencing Yom Tov alongside us. They are absorbing the pre-Yom Tov and Yom Tov atmosphere in our homes—how we speak to one another, how we prepare and experience Yom Tov, and how it feels to be together.

As we prepare and navigate our homes and families through Tishrei, we can do so with intention, asking ourselves: How do I want my children and family to experience Yom Tov, and what do I want them to remember about the Yom Tov they experienced in our family?

Zoey Saacks, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Providing individual therapy to adults and supporting parents in strengthening communication, understanding, and connection with their children.