Op-Ed: The Age Filter That May Be Costing Us Good Shidduchim

A letter from an older single 

I never thought I would be writing these words.

When I was younger and just starting shidduchim, I had a very clear picture of what I was looking for. Like many girls, I had my preferences, my expectations, and the things I thought were important in finding my bashert.

One of those things was age.

I believed that the age of the guy mattered. I had a certain range in mind, and when a shidduch suggestion came along and the guy was older than what I had envisioned, I would automatically become hesitant.

Looking back, I realize that many times I was reacting to a number, not to the person.

As the years went by and I gained more life experience, my perspective changed. I started meeting more people, hearing more stories, and seeing that the assumptions we sometimes make about age simply are not always true.

In our community, there is often a lot of discussion about girls getting older in shidduchim — and rightfully so, because there are real considerations and challenges. But sometimes we unintentionally create another problem by treating an older guy as if his age automatically makes him less desirable.

It doesn’t.

A 37-year-old man is not a completely different category from a 33-year-old man. Those four years may sound significant when written down, but in reality, both may be at the same stage of life: looking to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel, ready for commitment, and searching for the right person.

The number alone does not tell the story.

A guy’s age does not tell you about his middos. It does not tell you if he will be a caring husband, a supportive partner, or someone who will build a home filled with warmth, Torah values, and chassidishkeit.

Those things come from who he is.

In fact, sometimes the extra years bring with them growth and maturity. A person may have spent those years learning more about himself, developing emotionally, building a career, strengthening his ruchniyus, or simply becoming more prepared for the responsibility of marriage.

Being older does not mean something is wrong. It does not mean he “missed his opportunity.” Every person has their own timeline, and every shidduch has its own hashgacha pratis.

I think many of us, myself included, can sometimes get caught up in an image of what a shidduch is supposed to look like. We focus on age, height, background, or other details before taking the time to see the person.

But when we talk about finding a partner for life, shouldn’t the focus be on the qualities that will actually determine the success of the marriage?

Is he a mentch?

Does he have good middos?

Does he have yiras Shamayim?

Does he have the ability and desire to build a loving home?

Are we compatible?

Those are the questions that truly matter.

Of course, everyone has preferences, and nobody should ignore legitimate concerns. A shidduch has to feel right. But perhaps we should be more careful before automatically dismissing a wonderful person because he is a few years older than the number we had in mind.

To the girls in shidduchim, especially those who may be getting older: I understand. I once thought the same way. I know it can feel uncomfortable to step outside the expectations you created for yourself.

But sometimes the person Hashem sends your way does not arrive exactly how you pictured him.

Sometimes the extra years are not a disadvantage. Sometimes those years are what helped shape him into the person you were waiting for.

Don’t let a number prevent you from getting to know a person.

Because at the end of the day, you are not marrying an age. You are marrying a person.