INBOX: Healing Anxiety, and Identifying Its Source

by anonymous

I would like to share my experience with anxiety, and then share some lessons that can perhaps be learned from my experience.

Growing up, I experienced tremendous anxiety. Only years later did I realize just how much anxiety I had experienced as a child. Many of my feelings were centered around fear.

Interestingly, years later I began to realize how much these emotions had taken a toll on my body. As a child, I had certain uncommon physical issues, and at the time I simply thought, “This is just the way my body works.” I never considered that it could be connected to my feelings of fear.

But as I entered adulthood, I began noticing the timing. Whenever I felt fear about something, my body would begin to react. My body would feel tight. My joints and back would start hurting. Other symptoms would arise as well. I noticed that when I felt anxious — a word I did not even know at the time — my body would hurt so much. It felt unbearable. I suffered tremendously.

For certain things, I went to doctors, but the issues were never fully resolved. I spent a lot of time and money meeting with people who could perhaps help me with both my emotions and my physical pain. Each method helped in certain ways, but I needed more.

Later as an adult, I went to people who could help me work through my emotions, which naturally had an impact on my body as well. They all helped me. Yet, until today, I continue working on healing certain parts of my heart and body that can still use growth.

I am grateful to the Oibershter for giving me so much healing.

I would like to reflect on something. As I look back at my childhood, I ask myself: What seemingly caused all this heartache?

I think a big part of it was the following.

Growing up, there was so much anxiety that my parents lived with. It was such a deep part of their lives.

When they saw people, they did not simply see potential friends or company; they saw danger. They saw beings with whom we had to be extremely cautious. When we saw a car, we saw danger — a dangerous vehicle. There was worry. There was fear.

I believe this was a major source of the emotional and physical struggles that followed.

I want to make clear: I do not blame my parents. My parents carried tremendous pain and challenges of their own. If I had lived their lives, I would have probably felt and acted similarly.

Why am I writing this?

Well to be honest, it is certainly refreshing to finally share something that has been on my mind for so long. But beyond that, I believe there are lessons here that can perhaps help others.

Some of us believe that fear is the way to live. We have experienced difficult things, and those experiences have shaped the way we view the world. They have caused us to see life through a lens of fear.

And that is understandable. It is not a sign of our failiar. It is the result of what we have gone through.

But if we can take small baby steps toward soothing the part of ourselves that is still hurting — the “child” within us — and if we can speak to people who can help us heal those wounded parts, that is a tremendous act of heroism.

Why? Because it is incredibly challenging to hold onto the steering wheel and gently guide our minds in a different direction — a direction that can enhance not only our own emotional and physical lives, but also the lives of our spouses and children.

Do not expect to heal in one day. It is impossible. Do not aim to fix everything at once.

Instead, daven to the Oibershter that He should slowly begin healing your heart and allow you to give your children the gift that you so deeply desire to give them: calm.

May we be zoche to experience the true and complete Geulah now.

With blessings,
Looking to grow