INBOX: The Child Who Smiles While Hurting

“I don’t mind if he kicks me”, “I don’t mind if he punches me”, “I don’t mind if he sits on me as though he is riding a horse”.

I hear these things all the time from students to whom hurtful or inappropriate behavior is being done by another child.

This is usually said in scenarios where a child can easily get away with what he’s doing. Take for example: when a child sits on another child, when a child holds another boy’s hands and does not let the boy go. Often, the boy who the behavior is being done to is smiling too.

A child smiling is one of the most deceiving things.

As people, we smile when we feel good. But we also smile when we feel shame, when we feel a loss of control, or when we don’t have the words to deal with the current situation.

As counselors and recess monitors, we tend to sit with our hands folded until a child speaks up with a complaint. Often, it is only when a child walks up to us and says that someone is bothering him that we check out what’s going on. Too often, until a child complains, we assume everything happening is just a game.

On a personal note, as a child, I never told a staff member that I was not okay with being kicked when I was sitting and playing Monopoly on the floor of the hallway.

This was notwithstanding the fact that there was unbearable pain that I felt at the time. I often smiled in those times when I was teased. I felt ashamed to show on my face that it bothered me. At times, instead of showing a man’s face, I smiled and gave the impression that I was enjoying the pain. The smile was like anesthesia.

Recently, I was in shul and a young Bochur was holding onto another Bochur’s two hands as if playing a game for fun — not letting the boy go. The boy whose hands were being held onto was smiling. But I suspected that he was not okay with it.

I asked why the Bochur was holding the other Bochur’s hands this way. The Bochur released his hands and let go.

The Bochur thanked me a lot for letting his hands free. He told the other: “I told you I would get someone to help.” True story.

Kids are ashamed to say that something is not a game and that it bothers him or her.

They know that people tend to make fun of them and say: “You can’t take a joke, you’re such a baby?”

In another instance, where I knew that a boy was being bothered by another, I called him into the classroom alone during the break with the hope that without the social pressure he would be open with me and share with me how he’s being bothered. But he told me that he feared being labeled a snitch by his friends, so he refused to tell me how he was bothered.

Research shows (source: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7004015/) that only 55.4% of the bullied students had told their situation to someone, and much fewer had told an adult.

Dear recess monitors, please, when you see questionable behavior, call the boy to the side and ask him if it’s a game or if he doesn’t like what’s being done.

Certain behaviors like kicking another boy or sitting on top of another ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE.

A recess monitor is not just a camera. Their job is to monitor and understand the situation, and most importantly, take action when needed.

I ask that when possible, the behavior should be stopped before a child walks over.

Dear administration, it would mean so much to me if qualified staff are hired to serve as recess monitors and are provided with appropriate pay, proper training, and the necessary resources, similar to the way teachers receive training in their field. In addition, principals should make recess a time when they are available to address the issues that arise.

Thank you for reading this article, and may we share good news, B’Ezras Hashem.

All those who are carrying heaviness on their heart from being bullied (or from anything else), I encourage you to begin — or continue — your healing journey. It is painful to heal. Do it slowly, and you will find so many rewarding moments, and with Hashem’s help, you will find steps of progress in your healing. I spent a lot of time and money working on my healing.

Thank you to all those who work day and night for the good of our school. May Hashem give you the strength to continue His work.