Op-Ed: Why I Might Never Get Married
by Anonymous
There was once a person who would pray intensely to win the lottery. After years of his prayers going unanswered, he finally heard a frustrated voice from heaven: ”Could you at least go buy a ticket!”
I’m a Crown Heights single male pushing 40, and I aspire to be a Frum, Chasidishe person. I recently had a conversation with a non-observant colleague about our mutual dating lives. After describing how dating works in our community, he had an eye-opening observation: “You live on the planet with no women“.
I asked him to explain what he meant.
“On my planet “, he explained, “there are women. There are women on the street. There are women in the grocery store. There are women on the bus. There are women at the workplace. I can choose to approach one of these women and try to guess their interest in pursuing a relationship.
However, on your planet, there are no women. There are no women on the street. There are no women in the grocery store. There are no women’s on the bus. There are no women at the workplace.
Of course, technically there are. However, they may as well not exist because you’re not supposed to approach them.
But then there are these “scouts“ you call matchmakers who travel between these planets and suggest matches between their inhabitants to consider the possibility of marriage, and you are at the mercy of their time and their interest in helping you. That sounds like a very ineffective and inefficient system.”
I explained to him that we don’t want men and women mixing so we do indeed try to keep them on separate “planets” in our community. But I didn’t have a good response to his point that there does come an age where these planets shouldn’t be as far apart from each other if marriage is the objective. In his words, “Why would a community which values marriage and family so much make it so hard to get married?”
Truthfully, I don’t know what that age is, and I don’t know the appropriate way to go about it, but he got definitely got me thinking.
Right now I’m relying on Hashem alone, because that’s all I have. I just hope that I’m not sabotaging any of His blessings by living on a planet with no women, while relying on those “scouts“.
Bee
Fortunately you only have Hashem regardless of which way you date. People who have women in their planet sometimes lose the goal of marriage..
And there isn’t any rule about not approaching a women on your own..
Good luck I’m sure you’ll find her!
Talis Manic
First married at 48. Hashem has His ways. Self confidence and absolute bitachon/Positivity are the qualities to cultivate. The scouts will tell the women, and frequently the women will tell the scouts. Think good and act like you mean it.
SL -
“You live on the planet with no women“. – It’s quite the opposite: in that world, individuals are immersed in separate digital spaces, rarely engaging with one another. The typical household now consists of a woman, her cat, and a steady stream of Uber Eats deliveries.
So sad
We’re using an old system in a new world l which used to work well, but no longer does. Eventually, we will come up with a new system that works. However, until then, those caught in between will be the victims of inaction and for them, I cry.
Naftali Michalowsky
Speak to your rov.
You have a Torah obligation to marry an appropriate woman.
At 40, I’m not sure that you don’t find an appropriate way to approach appropriate women.
Try to work out with your mentor a Torah true framework that allows you to pursue this more aggressively.
Numbers don't lie.
I hear the argument made, and it’s a great question.
At the end, the numbers don’t lie. 50% of secular marriages end in divorce, whereas in the Frum “matchmaking” community, the numbers are below 15%. (and even that number is high).
Mingling is great for dating, not for marriage.
So silly
Defining a successful marriage as “not divorced“ is ridiculous. A better definition is feeling happy that you’re married and that it’s enhancing your life. Not that it’s a chore or social expectation.
Wrong
By 28, or so, most singles are going to speed dating events, singles evenings, singles Shabbos meals, Shabbatons, retreats, camping weekends etc. If you’re still relying on a shadchan at 40, that in itself is a red flag.
Sorry for you, but this is absurd
I don’t even know where to start. You’re making it sound like more people get married and build happy lives in the world where, what you call, both genders exist. Is there anything more disconnected than that?
There is so much more to say, but I’m not sure there’s any point, when the whole structure, building and logic is so fundamentally faulty.
I started expounding, but there’s a 400 letter li
So true
I passed a girl on the street today. We made eye contact and I smiled at her and she smiled back. I could tell that we both wanted me to introduce myself and say hello, but did not feel that it would be acceptable. And there was no one around for me to ask if they knew who she was. I never saw her before and ill probably never see her again.
Gil
Who told you not to approach someone you like? You’re a grown man, no longer a child and you need to take responsibility for yourself. Who says the only keili is to work with a shadchan?
If you see someone you like you can either ask her out directly (men only, darkoi shel ish lichboish), or you can perhaps ask a friend to set you up (both men and women.
Up to you.