INBOX: Excuse Me…What? “Pretty Open”? That’s Not “Open”, That’s A Whole Lifestyle
Thank you Hashem, we now find ourselves in a position to invite people over for dinner, Shabbos lunch, etc. You know how this usually goes:
We send a message:
“Hey, can we invite you to join us for _? We’d love to have you!”
Sometimes we get:
“So nice of you! We already have plans, but maybe another time?”
And then, occasionally, we get lucky:
Them: “Sure! Thanks for thinking of us!”
Us: “Great! Do you have any allergies or dietary restrictions we should know about?”
Most of the time, we expect to hear nothing, or at least something relatively simple and manageable:
– “I’m allergic to peanuts.”
– “I can’t have dairy.”
– “No raw fish, please.”
Totally reasonable, totally doable.
But then, once in a while, we get something like this:
“Our eating habits are natural, gluten-free foods. We don’t eat oils or synthetic ingredients. We’re otherwise pretty open.”
Excuse me… what? “Pretty open”? That’s not “open”, that’s a whole lifestyle. My house, my kitchen, and my pantry are not equipped for that.
I would never accept an invitation to a non-Jewish home for dinner and then casually drop on them:
“Oh, by the way, we keep ultra-Orthodox, Hasidic-level kosher. You’ll need to torch your kitchen for three hours, buy all new cookware, shop exclusively at one specialty store, and, naturally, I’ll have to supervise your cooking to make sure meat and dairy don’t mix.”
It is a highly exaggerated analogy – yes I know, and it would be unthinkable, for so many reasons.
Here’s another analogy: imagine you’re wheelchair-bound and receive an invitation to a private home or event in an unfamiliar place. Wouldn’t one of your first thoughts be about accessibility? Before accepting, you’d probably say something like:
“Thank you for the invitation! Before I accept, I should mention that I’m in a wheelchair and can’t manage stairs or certain surfaces like sand, rocks, or soft grass. I completely understand if that makes hosting me difficult.”
What you wouldn’t do (I assume) is accept the invitation, and then later announce:
“By the way, you’ll need to install ramps, widen your doorways, and set up a stair lift by next Friday.”
This feels especially puzzling when someone has been living with their restriction for a long time. How have they not picked up on the fact that leading with this information avoids awkwardness for everyone?
Even something simple like:
– “Thank you so much! My daughter has several severe allergies that are tricky to manage… maybe we can host instead?”
– Or: “We’re a complicated family to feed – a few of us are diabetic. Would you be up for a picnic where we bring our own food?”
That sounds much more like you know who you are, are comfortable with it, and know how to keep it from negatively affecting your life.
We’ve run into this situation twice already, and still have no idea how to gracefully handle it. Are we being too close-minded? The thought occurred to me – after all, I’m not the one with the restrictions. Perhaps I am missing something. These people don’t come across as intentionally trying to be difficult, surely there’s a good reason they don’t lead with this information?
As it stands, it feels rude and inconsiderate, and we’re left scrambling to find polite, creative ways to back out because we simply can’t accommodate such specific restrictions.
When receiving an invitation, the time to share major dietary or lifestyle restrictions is before saying yes — not after.
Signed
Shmuli
Bubbie Feigie
First. Don’t get bent out of shape . Simply respond back. What you hope meets the requirements. It’s not that hard. Simple roasted veggies. Baked fish. Roasted chicken. Potatoes. Rice. Let them know what you plan on serving and if they can bring their own Hamotzei.
Mushkie
Bubbie, you would get bent out of shape if the family is vegetarian. No baked fish. No roasted chicken. No chicken soup. And before you serve them the roasted veggies, potatoes or rice – they only eat organic.
chaim
i agree with this article.
but to say from the other side, as someone with allergies:
1. whenever you let the host know about your allergies, they can either harass you in the name of trying to help you sometimes you rather just let them know last minute and you will figure out what to eat than have more food options and be harrased by good meaning intentions.
Bubby
No.
I prefer that someone with allergies or other food requests be up front from the start, including to offer to bring their own food, as long as their standards of kashrus are compatible.
Although we try to offer a variety of delicious foods, we hope that anyone coming is joining us for the company NOT the food and as a full time working mother, I cannot spend my week preparing for Shabbos.
chaim
or they try to accommodate only for you to realize that they totally don’t know how allergy’s work and then it’s even more uncomfortable to let them know that what they made “special for you” you are allergic to
and there is nothing wrong with saying “I’m not sure if i can accommodate that but you can see what i have” or something like that especially if they let u know last minute
Mushkie
I invited a family that required the food to be organic. I mean ALL the food: the vegetables in the salad (and soup) – organic, the salmon – organic, the eggs used in recipes – organic (and free range), the home-baked challah – organic flour or organic spelt, and the fruits for dessert – organic. I withdrew the invitation!
Shulamis
You can send them my way. I am happy to cater to any dietary restrictions as long as I know about them before all the food is prepared.
Mushkie
Shulamis, if you are gonna cater, make sure the home-made wine used for kiddush, is made from organic grapes.