INBOX: The Shidduch Crisis – When Parents Become the Problem
by Mom of Many
We are living in an era that calls itself sophisticated. We have spreadsheets for shidduchim, filters for photos, and mothers who function more like CEOs of marriage departments than as nurturing guides. And yet, despite—or perhaps because of—all this efficiency, the “Shidduch Crisis” only deepens.
Let’s talk about the uncomfortable truth: in many cases, it’s not the boys or the girls who are the obstacle. It’s the parents.
We have turned our children’s search for a life partner into a transactional, hyper-controlled process. Parents are saying no to a shidduch because the boy’s tie was crooked in the picture. Because he wears a blue shirt instead of white. Because his mother isn’t thin. Because the family doesn’t vacation in the right zip code.
What happened to values? To middos? To a passion for Torah, a commitment to Yiddishkeit, a heart that’s generous and kind?
Instead of asking:
“Is he a baal middos?”
“Does he have a good name among his peers?”
“Does he make people feel respected and heard?”
We ask:
“Do you have a better picture?”
“What kind of car does the father drive?”
“Is the mother stylish?”
On the other side, our boys—good boys, growing boys—are bombarded with resumes, photos, and curated bios as though they’re choosing from a catalog. We are raising boys who feel pressured to make decisions based on superficial cues, with mothers scanning for ‘red flags’ that might mean nothing in real life. When does the bochur get to actually meet a person before being told to move on?
What are we doing?
The irony is heartbreaking: the parents who claim they are being “careful” or “protective” are, in many cases, doing more harm than good. They say no before the girl is ever given a chance. They say no out of fear—fear of marrying down, fear of judgment, fear of imperfection. But shidduchim are not perfect. People are not perfect. Life is not perfect. That’s where emunah comes in.
Of course, we should be thoughtful. Of course, compatibility matters. No one is suggesting reckless decisions. But we have to ask ourselves, with painful honesty: have we lost the plot?
It’s time to return to a values-based approach. Let’s raise our children to look beyond externals. Let’s trust them to see good in others. Let’s remember that Hashem—not a résumé, not a picture, and certainly not a shallow checklist—is the true shadchan.
And if we, the parents, want to be part of the solution instead of the crisis, we need to start saying yes a little more often—not because we’re desperate, but because we remember what actually matters.
Because no one ever built a bayis ne’eman on a headshot.
Mushkie
When we ask:
“Is he a baal middos?” Of course! A baal middos…ra’os!
“Does he have a good name among his peers?” His pees love him – he is king of the ois vorfs!
“Does he make people feel respected and heard?” Yes, all the gangsters feel respected by him and he us their spokesman.
These questions “really” get us truthful answers. Not!
Mushkie
When we ask:
“Do you have a better picture?” A picture tells a thousand words. It shows his trimmed beard and spiked jelled hair.
“What kind of car does the father drive?” The BMW or Mercedes gives us a clue of him megusham upbringing.
P. McDonald
You can’t blame parents. Parents as a rule want the best for their children. The leaders of kehila have to show a real life example and others will follow.
Ben Yehuda
Lrt’s be those leaders
Brochie
What about the the girls who aren’t a size 2?? They can’t even get a date
Mushkie
Size 2 was so yesteryear! Any size above zero needs an immediate diet. And tummy tuck, butt lift, lipo suction, and if the nose ain’t perfect, throw in a nose job. I feel bad for the size 2 girls- they really need to work on their weight!
G.Singh
Reality is that money and size 2 matter. not how many Tanyas you have in your house. Very sad for the people who are naive to think otherwise
Hindy
Do you have a better suggestion or is this just a vent? I think for the most part the shadchanim are doing the best they can, trying to placate both the parents and the singles who have oh, so much to learn about reality.
Mushkie
Reality? I expect my prince charming to ride on a horse (unless he is a Mishechist – then he will ride on a donkey) and sweep me off my feet as we ride off into the sunset.
Anonymous
The Shidduch Crisis – When Shadchanam get in the way
In addition
People have to remember it’s not the background you come from but who the person you are dating really is as a individual. Our ancestors has idol worship families and parents yet they themselves had their own identity and who were our ancestors. So a picture perfect family will never happen however do you see potential for greatness in the person you are dating?
P. McDonald
I hope it works for you. I would not try it