65 Comments

• Well said

  I fully agree.

  We must make “Takanos” (limits on simcha standards) just like all other Chasidishe communities.

• mother of a bas mitzvah girl

  Hi, i definitely understand you but, there is noproblem with making a beautiful Bas Mitzvah if you have the money. Yes, you dot have to go all out but, it can have all the things you stated.

  If the situation is that they cant afford to make a decant Bas Mitzvah, im sure many people are willing to contribute, or help out!

  • The Rebbe says...

    There is a letter from the Rebbe which says that a Bas Mitzvoh is not supposed to be a big affair, rather a mesibas Shabbos or melave malka. A Bas Mitzvoh should be about the girl accepting on herself the mitzcos, not a big fancy party.
    There are so many worthy organizations that need help to run, why should a Bas Mitzvoh necessitate tzedokoh money???

  • Huh?

    You’re missing the writers point. It is not appropriate to turn a bat mitzvah into a mini wedding. 12 year olds should not need to compete with each other. And your suggestion of getting hand outs from people willing to help is down right insulting! People accept tzedakah to put food on their table, not to make extravagant simchos.

  • decent?

    All the things that were stated in the article does not go under the category of decent.
    Pretty insulting to write that people should take money from others to make that kind of ‘decent’ Bas MItzvah.

  • to #2

    Thanks for the offer, can I have your number?

  • There IS a problem with "If you have the money" then "Going all out"!

    Just what do you consider a “decent Bas Mitzvah” as you put it?
    And it’s not, as you call it: “making a beautiful Bas Mitzvah”! It is making a celebration of YOUR DAUGHTER BECOMING bas mitzvah. The bas mitzvah is your DAUGHTER; the “bas mitzvah” is NOT the celebration event!
    “A beautiful Bas Mitzvah” should mean that the Bas Mitzvah — that is, the DAUGHTER (not the gashmius!) — is indeed beautiful, as in: The beauty of a woman is within; an inner beauty!
    We are taught that we women and our daughters should choose to look attractIVE, but not attractING. So, why would we want to turn celebrating attainment of the age of bat mitzvah into essentially an event “beauty contest” and/or a “go all out” event? This is for a daughter of the King!
    It is a disgrace that our schools are not enforcing the standards.
    If ONE girls’ school starts enforcing the standards — really enforcing them! — then the others will need to eventually follow, if only so they won’t be considered shallow and all about “conspicuous consumption.” And an “all out” simchah to celebrate a daughter becoming bas mitzvah IS just that: conspicuous consumption!

  • chana

    so whoever is rich should make fancy’s bas mitzvah and the poor will do simple??
    this need to stop!

  • Dina

    There no problem with doing a lot of things- we as chassidim have a different set of standards (or should have at least)

  • MZ

    A warm, happy party with her friends in her home IS A DECENT BAS MITZVAH.
    Why don’t you just look up what the Rebbe has to say about bas mitzvah celebrations. Small and modest is key.
    Schools should definately enforce the rules. Perhaps going as far as not allowing girls who break the rules have a part in Production. Or having a special, end-of-year outing only for girls who did keep the rules.

  • Anonymous

    What bubble do u live in?

• no backbone

  the schools as in bais rivkah 6th 7th grade have no backbone they enforce the rules for some and not other making parents crazy and not standing their ground shame on them why does esther wilhelm call all the parents to see what they are doing why doesnt she put her foot down

• Oh Please

  You can’t restrict what people spend because you feel the need to keep up. If somebody chooses to make a lavish party it’s up to them.

• "The Rebbe Says" is right, however

  It’s not about the money. It’s about being apart from those who make bas mitzvah parties similar to Bar Mitzvahs. A girl’s entire chinuch and upbringing is supposed to be tzniusdik, starting with a simple Kiddush when she enters this world.
  The money issue is another matter. The Rebbe has horo’os for certain chasanim and kallos to make a chasene rich in ruchnius and poor in gashmius.
  Gut Yom Tov and Moshiach NOW!

• oh boy

  But it’s ok that the boys have huge expensive affairs? Even the least fancy bar mitzvah…. So much for our community not being sexist….

  And why is it ok that shluchim have different rules? How do explain that to 12 yr olds…

  I don’t disagree in theory, but you opened a can of worms.

• I agree 0

  I’ve had the same issue with my son’s bar mitzvah last year. It seems like these days you must have a lavish sushi bar with mulpile photographers, videographers, speacial picture magnet photographers, and not to mention the grubbe party lights which are becoming the norm. First off, it causes other bar mivtzvah bochurim who’s parent don’t hhave 15k+ to spend feel like a neb at their own bar mitzva’s, which is just insane that we have lowered ourselves to these unnecessary standards. Second of all, it gives the boys a feeling that the most important part of their bar mitzvah is the public presentation, which is the exact opposite purpose amd lesson of a bar mitzvah which we should be instilling in our children. And then you will always hhave the parents which say that it’s 2016 and you have to get with the program…. but the point they are missing is that all of this extra fluff only causes jealously, haughtyness, and unneeded competition in our community. It’s my hope that people will realize the the ikar is the dancing, happiness, and ahavas yisroel which brings us all together.
  Gut yom tov!

  • BRAVO!!

    Absolutely right.

• Anonymous

  Yes bas mitzvahs should be taking place in the school but not in the classroom.

• The good old days

  I have such fond memories of bas mitzvas when I was that age 15 years ago. It was One of my years! So sad that it has gotten so out of hand. A nice modest bas mitzvah is perfect for its purpose! The girls socialize amongst themselves and have a lot of fun. All the extras is really distracting.
  My daughter is 4, and I hope to make her a nice reasonable bas mitzvah that her and friends will enjoy

• Agree!!!!

  Totally!! It is inappropriate to have lavish bat mitzvah affairs and schools could and should enforce….if u have the xtra $ laying around make her feel good but making some big nice donation somewhere that helps others…..not in trying g to make her feel above the rest, and the others feel bad

• Chevi

  Bh we made our daughters bm at home , cause bh we have a Large house and that accommodate many ppl blah! But I do understand parents who do not have the space at home or for any other reason they want to make it in a hall , why criticize their simcha ?! To each is own , and you could explain your children , that everyone does what works for them , doesn’t mean if their bm will be at home it will be less important !!!

  • question

    Could you describe the decorations, food, entertainment/activities, flowers, photographers etc etc? I ‘d like to know because having a big house leads me to think you had a large purse to spend.

• Fed Up

  “mother of a bas mitzvah girl”
  Your name is “rich mother of a bas mitzvah girl”.

• Mayer Bloom

  ‘Huh? 4:38’ has got it right on target!

  To Mother 4:11, do you really believe that it is reasonable that parents should go around shnorring for money so that their little princesses could have extravagant affairs? Why not start a Charidy or GoFundMe campaign?? Such nonsense! There are people who don’t have enough money to put sensible food on their tables for dinner and you’re suggesting that they go shnorr for such self-indulgence??!

  Do what we do in Montreal Beth Rivkah. Responding to similar concerns expressed by the author, BR’s administration decided that henceforth, all Bas Mitzvahs would have to take place in the school’s auditorium, with the parents paying a nominal fee for the janitorial maintenance for clean-up of the hall. Furthermore, a school rep, like a (paid) לימודי קודש teacher, must be present to ensure that the event is conducted in a frum and chassidishe manner.

  My daughter recently had her Bas Mitzvah there. It was simple…and beautiful! We decorated the hall with streamers and balloons, had a delicious buffet-style catered meal, steamed lively music over the PA system, had one of my other daughter’s friend act as photographer and supplied an interesting activity. Complemented with a meaningful דבר תורה and festive dancing!

  All the girls were overjoyed! Parents later called us to tell us what an enjoyable time their daughter had at this simcha. And the clincher is, that all this was accomplished for under $500 (CAD!!!).

  All the girls in my daughter’s class have had or will have their Bas Mitzvah in a similar style. It has become socially unacceptable to do it any other way or anywhere else. And best of all, there is no competition and they all love attending these affairs.

  And I must say that I am none the happier! I feel that in addition to having not had my kishkes twisted inside-out, I have taught my daughter (and the other daughters) a lesson in modesty and humility. We are not contributing to raising another spoiled, self-indulgent brat. A simcha does not have to be extravagant to be memorable!

  • Love it!

    You said it!!!

• B

  Mazel tov to all bm families !!!
  I read your article and I must say I’m a bit shocked , I am a mother to a girl who had a bm in a hall out of ch , half of my daughter’s classmate bms we’re done in halls , some in the neighborhood and some out , they were all done beautifully , with meaning and in a chasidish matter , the rebbes letter was read and the girls said dvar Torah based on a sicha …
  I don’t think it should be an issue , same as some ppl make bigger weddings than others … no one is looking down at anyone cv , and all bm are beautiful for what they are !!! Live and let live !!!
  As for what the rebbe said , he had never said not to make a big simcha that will make the girl and her family happy .
  Your daughter doesn’t need to feel like the neb of the class , cause party in or out of house doesn’t make who you are !!!

• Mother of Boys

  There is beauty in simplicity. A lavish Bar/Bas Mitzvah is a red flag for a spoiled boy/girl. The fancy affair is no indication of the wealth of the family as some people will go into debt to be showy, really to fool people while many people of means chose not to be ostentatious and do consider the friends and classmates of the child when making a more modest affair. I agree that the schools should do some to nip this new trend.

• Boruch

  An idea;

  Parents that wish to throw lavish amounts of money at party to validate themselves or their daughter, in lieu of that, make an average party and present generous contribution on your daughter’s honor to worthwhile institution. That way daughter would be proud and classmates that can’t live up to standards won’t feel slighted.

  I remember a give in my town (non lubavitch) consulted with his daughter about the wedding plans. She said “listen dad, instead of lavish waste, please make me a normal wedding and marry off my seminary roommate whose parents can’t afford it”. He agreed and there were so many reasons to be proud of her. Everyone won there.

• Mother of Boys

  Another option would be for the classmates to decline to attend fancy affairs.

• Ch'er

  To the commenter “huh”.

  I assume you are the writer of this “op-ed”

  As a dad son husband here. I feel your pain your frustrations and difficulties. We want the best for our children. We want them proud of us and what we do for them.

  It’s a very very difficult issue. Wealthy families won’t cut down because you can’t offerd. It’s the schools responsibly to inforce this. It’s a tough situation. No simple answer.

  Thanks for the op-ed.

• Mom

  A few years later these some girls will have fancier weddings. Do they income disparities? Of course they do. Don’t penalize those who make big parties. Your daughter may have had a fantastic time and be happy she went. At the same time she may love her own party even more.

  • resident

    A wedding is a completely different story . There are two sides then to split costs and many times the children thereselves push in for ”extras” 12 year old kids dont need to put there parents in a tough spot. cookies at 3 dollars a piece are not neccesary when most parents are middle class hardworking people trying to pay bills and rent.

• Is it the school's responsibility?

  Hi,

  I definitely understand and appreciate your concern; thank you for bringing it to the forefront of our minds.

  Do you really feel the school should be the arbitrator of such issues? Do these parties take place during school hours? Does the school help facilitate the organization of such parties (by emailing out invitations for parents or something similar?) I imagine they do not.

  So while I feel you have a very valid problem, I’m not sure why you’re pointing a finger at the school as the ones responsible for fixing it. If I were a principal I would certainly write a letter helping “guide,” parents with advice on how best to make a chassidishe bas mitzvah, but I cannot imagine having the jurisdiction to make “binding rules,” that I “enforce,” regarding an event that has nothing to do with school.

  When we pinpoint an issue and stand up for it (as you have so nicely done,) our natural leanings towards justice and fairness may cause us to point fingers at those who are “responsible,” for “fixing,” the problem. The reality is, such problems are complicated and it is your responsibility and mine to do whatever we can to make the situation better. Speaking to parents individually would be a good move, perhaps asking the school or the beis din to put out a letter would be beneficial, or perhaps making a statement by throwing the nicest, most fun, chassidishe low key bas mitzvah party ever for your daughter could have the desired impact.

  Wishing you much hatzlocha and much nachas!

• Grateful we left

  Beis Chaya Mushka has clear guidelines for a bas Mitzvah that have to be approved by the principal.
  The emphasis is the hachlatas that a young woman should take on not fancy food or prizes. These affairs are beautiful and no one feels hurt or left out. Let wealthy parents find another private way to celebrate of give a donation in their daughters name. .

• stacy

  Why are you singling out bas mitzvahs?
  either you have to say both Bar and bas Mitzvos are to extravagant or none, Don’t pick and choose

• Oh, the irony

  That some of these people throwing bashes for their daughters bas mitzvahs cry poverty to th tuition board…and get away with it is ridiculous.

• Yes

  From a 12 grader in LA with many sisters I totally see this! Most the girls in my class including myself had it in backyard/ chabad house. Now my sis comes home and tells us how it was so famcy (and silly)

• ch resident

  Very well said. My daughter is having a bas mitzvah this year and i am extremely nervous whats gonna be. I am sure girls in her class are going to go all out. There is nothing wrong with going all out except that if one child does it then it sets the pace for the rest of the class. I am not knocking that you can make a beautiful and cheap bas mitzvah party without breaking the bank account. Something has to be done. I actually think that its a very good idea to make the girls either do it in there homes or in the school lunch room. Kol hakovod for bringing up this very big problem and pointing out that its really not fair on the bas mitzvah girl who has to compete with the other extravagant bas mitzvahs

• Anonymous

  I think just like what chabad did for weddings, Find someone who can help like Devorah benjamin. It obviously is needed. There is such a problem with girls trying to prove themselves. We can’t go backwards to the bubbe generation. we just need to have people help all girls have a great Basmitsvah. Competition is nice too.

• Dudi F

  If the arguement is against making high end parties then make a rule for both boys and girls…otherwise your issue has the same effect on boys who’s parents can’t afford a high end party the same as a girl in the situation.

• Be Happy

  This op-ed could have been about any Simcha, clothing, car, housing, etc.. You need to teach and prepare yourself and children regarding the realities of life. People tend to improve their situation in life and always want the best for themselves and their family. This is human nature. We should be happy when other Yidden make it in life. Teach your children not to be jealous, but to be happy with their own lot and more importantly with others.

• Anonymous

  I don’t agree with this at all I feel that if you have the money there is no problem to throw a nice fancy party I think that you can have party planers and get your makeup done etc

• Anonymous

  Be proud to do what you can afford. If the others don’t like it it’s their problem.

• To # 2

  You are so disconnected from reality. You must be living in a bubble

• Sarah

  Same for bar mitzvahs!

• Resident

  Thank you for writing my feelings. As two hardworking parents on the books , I too wonder if my daughter will be “embarrassed” at her bad mitzva.a party planner and cookies at 2.5o a piece just seem so unnecessary and unaffordable. What will be ?? Should I kill my self and do it ? When has a party planner come the norm

• Nechama Dina Namirovski

  I agree with the mother

• each to thier own

  I happened to be invited to a few of these over the top bas mitzvah i gotta say i was very
  uncomfortable you really need to come dressed for a wedding and i felt bad for the kids the party
  was definitely for the adults and not the kids what happened to the good old days when it was a nice little party just for the class the schools obviously dont mind their is two three of such like parties a week like this just wondering does the schools only get down on the poor and not the rich there is deff a double standard somewhere very sad yes people can do what they can afford but is it for the parent or the child make sure what your doing is what your child wants

• Times have changed

  “There is a letter from the Rebbe which says that a Bas Mitzvoh is not supposed to be a big affair, rather a mesibas Shabbos or melave malka. A Bas Mitzvoh should be about the girl accepting on herself the mitzcos, not a big fancy party.”

  When my girls were in BR (my youngest is in her 30’s) this is EXACTLY what we had in our home. We had a Melave Malka, my parents, my best friend & her daughter, & the speaker were the only ones who came apart from her class. And it was beautiful! The girls had fun, it was aidel & Chassidish & everybody else did the same kind of thing. But I thought BR did have rules today.

  FTR – I never even had a Bat Mitzvah. Trust me, I did not feel deprived.

  • Anonymous

    Me either :) and felt just fine

• Crown Heighter

  Peer pressure sets community standards.

  My toddler wears a diamond necklace to playgroup. I can afford it!

  Now tell me, how does that affect your kid in playgroup? Do you REALLY feel the pressure to buy expensive jewelry for your toddler…or, do you think I am a nit job for dressing my kid that way?!

  If we ALL would openly mock the lavish Bas Mitzvas as being “weird” NO ONE would make them! However, if we “ooh and aaah” these fancy ostentatious affairs, they will become extinct.

  It is u to US – each of us, to express our values and attitudes. We don’t need a “Nanny State” of rules because WE set community standards.

  Oh, for your info, my toddler also wears monogramed designer diapers.

• Crown Heighter

  Peer pressure sets community standards.

  My toddler wears a diamond necklace to playgroup. I can afford it!

  Now tell me, how does that affect your kid in playgroup? Do you REALLY feel the pressure to buy expensive jewelry for your toddler…or, do you think I am a total “nut job” for dressing my kid that way?!

  If we ALL would openly mock the lavish Bas Mitzvas as being “weird” NO ONE would make them – they will become extinct! However, if we “ooh and aaah” these fancy ostentatious affairs, then WE worship and idealize them.

  It is up to US – each of us, to express our values and attitudes. We don’t need a “Nanny State” of rules because WE set our community standards.

  In the bungalow colony ladies walk around during the week in “simple” clothes. If a lady would walk around dressed up – we would laugh at her and she would quickly conform to “our custom” and community standards.

  If all bar mitzvah boys WOULDN’T get $400 Borsollino hats – no boy would even want one. “Please Tatty, all the kids will make fun of me if I get a $400 hat!”

  Instead, WE create the pressure of “MUST HAVE” the $400 hat for the Bar Mitzvah boy!

  We created the pressure of a Kallah MUST get certain “pieces” of jewllery – or else, chas v’sholom….I heard of engagements that broke as a result of getting a “simpler” bracelet!

  So yes, my toddler wears a diamond necklace to playgoup and my daughter in Pre-1A gets a weekly manicure. If you “ooh and aah” it – that will be our community standard. If you mock it and call me weird and a nut job – it won’t catch on and will die out on it’s own.

  Oh, for your info, my toddler also wears monogramed designer diapers.

  Do we need “takonos” on the diapers?

  • Kop Doktar

    monogrammed designer diapers – now you need a Kop Doktar!

    When you ask, “Do we need “takonos” on the diapers?” are you meaning the “diaper” or what is “in it”???

• A Parent 1

  You can not control what people choose to spend.
  At the end of the day regardless of how much money you can or choose to spend on a bar/bas mitzvah, it’s up to you the parents to make sure the child feels that the Simcha is about them. That the focus and attention is on them. A bar/bas mitzva boy/girl should be made to understand and feel is their day. If you accomplish this your child will be happy, enjoy and appreciate the simacha. It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.

• Ahavas yisroel

  I agree with the people saying you can’t enforce that people don’t spend money—if it’s not a bas mitzvah it will be a nicer car, a bigger house, a new sheitel…
  But to the people saying “if they have money, let them spend it, it’s their business”: No it’s not just their business. Because when you raise the standard just because you have to show off how much money you have to spend, you hurt people. You hurt girls who will be embarrassed by their bas mitzvahs for NO REASON. You make people ashamed and unhappy with what they have. Yes, it’s their job to be sameach b’chelko. But you can make it easier or harder. Making it harder just to feed your ego is not ahavas yisroel. And it’s not tzanua, either. Tznius is more than inches on a skirt, it’s recognizing that what you have is a brocha from Hashem and not showing off.

• BAS MITZVAH IS NOT TO BE COMPARED TO BAR MITZVAH

  In the past, nobody had bas mitzvah parties. It was not skipped to make a girl feel left out, but because – the reason for a bar mitzvah celebration is because the boy may now get an aliyah to the Torah and be part of a minyan, and this is such great reason to celebrate that we should make a nice, festive seuda for this occasion. This is not the case for girls. We have to remember the reason for the bar mitzvah celebration.

  Then, unfortunately, some non-frum people decided that a girl is no different than a boy and should also be able to be called to the Torah etc., and these non-frum people started the idea of bas mitzvah celebrations and this led to many, many more practices which are, sadly, against the Torah and our holy teachings.

  When we realize how this all began…. and who started it all and why…. and what other changes followe….

  The Rebbe wants birthday farbrengens, and of course when it is a bas mitzvah we would like to make some big deal about it and give a nice present, but to make some grand bas mitzvah party – the Rebbe did not like it, which is enough for me to not like it.

  It is not just about the money, and please realize that there IS a difference in celebrating for a boy or girl. Lets not miss the real point here.

• Anonymous

  Is boycotting the answer???

  Jealous or not, i find it hard to understand why some of my daughters classmates were taken on a bowling trip by their mothers on the night of their classmates bas mitzvah. Granted, it was an over the top event but what is gained by boycotting a classmates party? All it does is make the bas mitzvah girl feel bad

• S

  It depends who you are to which rules applies … I’m not here to tell others how to spend there money .. as we were ridiculed on here by comment..ers by my son barmitzvah which cost less then a reg balabatish one ..I know how to make a party that looks gd for less n worked hard to cut corners n middle men so it came across as wow..nothing compared to some other events though ..so I’m not gonna judge ..but the schools pick n choose who to give a hard time to .. I was given major issues to make my oldest daughters bas mitzvah in uly crown st .. while others had np making it where ever ..

• no one special

  It’s healthy for children to learn about reality. There are families which have more money and families which have less. This is REALITY; help your child learn it.

• Anonymous

  When I was a child there was a Reform temple near our house and every now and then we’d hear that there was a Bas Mitzva going on.We thought it was so funny!Now,50 years later,I still do not feel deprived that I didn’t have a Bas Mitzva.

• To Crown Heightzer, From The Thinking Man

  Not all children are created equal.

  Some girls have so little going for them that the only way they can feel good about themselves and become socially popular is by BUYING friends with their parents money.

  These girls are not charasmatic, they are not very smart or witty, they are not of specisl character, and they aren’t even cute looking. (Which are some reasons other girls are popular!) All these girls have is their parents money.

  Have rachmonus on these nebechs and allow them a moment to bask in the glory of feeling special by replacing their inadequacies with a lavish bas mitzvah.

  Don’t worry how it will affect your kid. Here’s why. The next morning these girls will wake up and still be the rich nebec hs they were before, while your kid will continue to shine, be popular and confident.

  Allowing these over the top bas mitzvas is a way of poorer kids doing a chesed and giving tzedakah to the “rich” nebech kid that desperately needs it.

  And rich parents – are you listening?!

  • Confused

    I am not sure if I should be laughing, agreeing or be offended. Does TTM agree, disagree or is neutral with CH????

• No Mechitzah & Women dancing

  People are missing another major point, let`s put the lavishness aside, what about a bas mitzvah party that had no mechitza up and men were invited and there was major dancing where the “women” friends of the bas mitzvah girls mother were up on the dance floor dancing inappropriately in front of all the men! Is this something we want to expose our pure girls to? This is not OK for parents to do! A bas mitzvah is about the bas mitzvah girl, it should not be about the mother of the bas mitzvah girl dancing with her friends in front of men with a Bar when you walk into the party as the main focal point!

• No Mechitzah & Women dancing

  Let`s put lavishness aside, where does teaching our girls tznius come into play here. It is not okay when the focal point of a bas mitzvah is a bar and there is dancing for the women(mother of the bas mitzvah girl`s) friends and men are present!

• With Privilege Comes Responsibility

  Since when are the rich exempt from the Rebbe’s hora’os concerning the celebration of a bas mitzvah, or concerning anything, really?

  It is the opposite of responsible to use a simchah as a way to exhibit conspicuous consumption. Really, it’s a chillul Hashem!

  Families of means in Eretz Yisrael make a point of not buying “Shabbos shoes” for their children if the norm in the class is to polish your weekday shoes and wear them for Shabbos.

  The girls and the boys wear a uniform to school for a reason. And a “reasonable” standard for a bas mitzvah is the same concept as the children wearing a uniform to school. We don’t see wealthy frum families arguing in favor of sending their children to school each day in the latest styles and colors (even tznius styles and colors!) from Saks Fifth Avenue or Bergdorf Goodman.

  There is freedom in restraint (takanos). There is joy in restraint. There is purpose and meaning in restraint. With privilege comes the responsibility to exercise restraint.

  It is davka those wealthier families who are itching to make big parties, who truly have the responsibility to instead create and run a gemach to help poor families have enough to have a modest bas mitzvah celebration with dignity. Instead of making that “big bash” for your bas mitzvah daughter, pay for the “big FUNDRAISING bash” for such an organization. Then everyone’s needs will be well taken care of, including a wealthy person’s possible “need” to give a big going-all-out party.