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Op-Ed: Don’t Be a Loser or Deserter; Be an Activist

Rabbi Shmuel Kopel, who suffered through many years of abuse as a child in Crown Heights, has a message for Meyer Seewald, founder and director of JCW:

Meyer Seewald, founder of Jewish Community Watch (JCW), wrote on Facebook: “I can’t sleep. I keep tossing and turning, thinking and hurting. Am I really from Crown Heights? Am I really Chabad? Should I be proud to call myself a Lubavitcher when people from the community I was raised in care more about how short your dress is, or what kind of car you drive, or how much you learn. Then they care about a child Molester in their child’s school? They make Urgent meetings about “the call of the Shofor” and hundreds come to it yet every single leader is silent about molesters in the Yeshiva…”

Dear Meyer,

I too grew up in Crown Heights. I’m just a few years older than you. I admire your accomplishments even though I disagree with some of your tactics.

I too went through a lot of trauma in the same community as you did. In many ways I am worse off than some of your victims. I was a victim of CSA. Unlike your victims, there is no way I will get closure by confronting the abuser.

I also suffered from bullying and many other forms of social and emotional trauma, which I still deal with today. There is no organization paying for my therapy, hence my well-needed sessions are determined by my personal financial situation. I am not looking for handouts, and I am proud of the fact that G-d gave me the ability to take care of myself.

Many acquaintances of mine had similar experiences. Some chose to walk off and disassociate themselves with Crown Heights and Chabad. Yet, I went on to spend over five years as a Shliach and still proudly identify with the Rebbe’s mission.

Why?

I spent years of soul searching with every intention of finding my way out of Lubavitch and Judaism. I promised myself that as soon as I find a better ideology, I’m gone!

In my search, I found many good ideals and values, but the drawbacks far outweighed the benefits. Surprisingly, every good idea or value I discovered, already existed in Torah and was totally consistent with Chabad philosophy. If so, why didn’t I experience those very values in Crown Heights or in the wider Lubavitcher community?

While I am not able to give an absolute answer, here is the theory I accept.

Torah has two categories of commandments, between man and G-d and between man and man. In the enlightenment period, many Jews were rejecting G-d with the claim that such beliefs are “irrational” – a claim I firmly reject. The very people who rejected Torah recognized the tremendous value of its social aspect.

To counter the secularists, the “Frum” (observant) community became neo- ritualist. No one denied the social aspect of Torah, however its importance became secondary. In the “Frum” (observant) world, as long as someone adheres the Torah’s rituals they are considered a good Torah Jew. Whatever else a so-called “observer” does is too often considered irrelevant.

Leaders are often chosen by their ability to act abstract and non-worldly. As long as they robotically do the rituals, they are considered holy and ironically “wise.” How a leader treats others is not often a consideration. A rabbi could steal, rape, molest or beat his wife and still hold a prestigious position in the “Frum” world.

Once I complained to a well-known Crown Heights rabbi regarding a serial wife beater; his response was sickening. He said “but at least he is Shomer Torah U’Mitzvos” (observes the Torah and it’s commandments).

From the Torah’s perspective, how is beating a wife any different than eating pork? How could a respected rabbi consider a wife-beater observant? As an ordained rabbi myself, how could I consider this “rabbi” anything but an ignoramus?

Anyone who openly, repeatedly and unapologetically disregards any aspect of Torah is not observant! I’m sorry if this statement will shrink the “Frum” population many times over.

Those who grew up witnessing such blatant hypocrisy have three choices. I categorize these choices as 1) the loser, 2) the deserter, and 3) the activist.

Losers accept their so called “G-d given fate” and maintain their Chabad or “Frum” life in spite of the hypocrisy. Losers often go on to repeat the very evils of their predecessors, justifying evil and immorally continuing the chain they once hated.

Deserters realize that life can’t go on like this, so they leave. The deserter knows that in their absence the evil will continue, but they don’t care; “it’s not their business.” They gain relief for their misery while allowing the suffering to continue.

The righteous person is the activist. The activist sees a problem and will not be satisfied until it is solved.

Meyer, you have done much more as an activist than I. Don’t fall in the trap of the deserters. The Torah’s values are far superior to western values. The good values of the west are all based on Torah. Chabad ideology has much more to offer than any other thought process I have come across.

The only way for an activist to earn respect and be truly effective is to be a luminary from within. “Frum” Jews need to see someone who is more loyal to the Torah then they are, not less.

In my opinion, JCW owes its success to its recruitment of rabbis who deserve the title. You may be the driving force, but the face of Meyer the zealot is not enough!

Both within Chabad and in the greater “Frum” world, there are many activists. So many people that are just as frustrated as you are. Activists must identify as someone from within if they want to be taken seriously. Activists must dedicate their lives to both the ritual and social parts of the Torah.

Meyer, if you are proud of what Torah and the Rebbe stand for, why let a sinner take that from you? Just because they have white beards makes them superior Chabadniks?

Yes we have problems, and yes we need to fix them. We must remain united and bring Moshiach already!

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30 Comments

  • Hills Hashem

    Very well written. Not evading the point or the issues. Rather “taking the bull by the horns”.

    Nothing is to be gained by consistently pointing fingers and not trying to correct according to the Torah.

  • to R' Shmuel

    I have to thank YOU Rabbi Shmuel Kopel. You were so right on, you were so painfully truthful. You have a healing ability for being able to be in touch with the injustice which happened to you. I can’t give you enough credit.
    Mayer Seewald is also an incredible human being, making Tikun Olom from pain and injustice.
    These people who do CSA also, often, must have narcissistic personality disorder. This means that they have a psychological disorder bent on supporting their own minds and their own beliefs. They are often affective at making their victims feel too inhibited and embarassed, to come forth. Both of you are out there, and are making the world a better place. YOU are the shluchim. YOU are doing the tikun olom. YOU are making permanent improvements. Keep it up. I pray that your efforts will bring more supporters, and more advocates, etc. THANKYOU AND THANKYOU. and KOL TUV.

  • Wow

    Excellent article and very touching. Both Meyer and Shmuel are heroes. I sure hope MS takes to heart the great advice given by SK.
    Hatzlocho Rabboh and continued success.

  • Impressive

    This is so beautifully written and has a marvelous message. Thank you Rabbi! Much respect to you.

  • Anonymous

    “Unlike your victims, there is no way I will get closure by confronting the abuser.” Maybe you won’t get what you call closure, but maybe you should be helping others who may have been victims of the same person. I don’t think Meir Seewald was implying someone cannot be frum. He was pointing out the hypocrosy that exists when a community, especially its schools, may be more concerned about the image its students portray than about the welfare of its students.

  • Izzy

    You write”JCW owes its success to its recruitment of rabbis who deserve the title.”
    WRONG.
    #1) Not a rabbi, melamed, shliach, or any other title is the success behind JCW.
    #2) who are you to judge if someone is a deserter or who is “frum”
    #3) Mayer is the success behind JCW.
    #4)it is irrelevant rabbi or not, frum or not. You sound like a judge and only Hashem can judge who is worthy or not.

  • Evil

    Rabbi Kopel, congratulation to you on your courage for speaking out, and doing so in the way you did.

    Eidel, un mit an enrestkeit.

    Seewald, look up and take note, this is how you achieve good in a bad situation.

    Child sexual abuse is a terrible, terrible thing. It must not happen, and if it does the perpetrator needs to be brought to justice. A necessary evil to protect the flock – and make no mistake, MS and his merry band of JCW is evil… a necessary evil.

    They are not infallible, and their words are not the gospel. He/they are the victims who rose up and became the abusers – another kind of abuser.

    Take a lesson here from Rabbi Kopel on how to react and deal with a victim of CSA and the abuser.

  • just someone

    absolutely total kudos to this fine shaliach.

    Is he from New Zealand?

    You have a new supporter – very proud of your stand!

  • Whaaaaaa

    “Meyers victims”

    Since when does someone who needs help become “Meyers victim”.

    “Handouts” seriously.

    Your trauma is worse then mine? Oh my!!

    I can’t believe you said any of these things, outside of getting attention did you put any thought into your choice of words?

    And what is your point here?

    Everyone knows why Meyer stated the above in his Facebook post, this article is a distraction.

    You are not frummer or better then anyone else and your experience and title doesn’t garner you anymore respect. Your introduction of your support to Meyer goes out of the window especially when your article is one big blab of words with no end.

    Seriously remove your title Rabbi it’s confusing me.

    Meyer is a Chossid a leader, not a loser or a deserter. Meyer has brought more jews back to yiddishkiet with JCW so if anything he should earn your title.

    • Ummm

      Nowhere in the article does it say “Meyers [sic] victims.” However, it DOES say, “In many ways I am worse off than some of your victims.” In this context, “your victims” refers to victims in Meyer’s group, not victims of Meyer’s actions. Reading comprehension goes a long way. Maybe you want to take back some of those not nice things you just said about someone who really didn’t deserve them?

  • riddle

    ” Unlike your victims, there is no way I will get closure by confronting the abuser.”
    care to explain this riddle?

  • question

    what do uou think should have been done about the man who mercilessly beat his wife?

  • S22me

    THANKYOU for helping tikun olom
    the only way we can purify ourselves to get closer to HaShem is to clean up our act. The Rebbe wants that for sure.

  • NEVER HARM THE KINDER!

    A Rav once told me regarding any creep whom harms our precious kinder “It were better for him if the millstone of a donkey were hung on his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he would subvert one of these little ones.”

  • The truth

    Kol hakovod for ur courage and respect to you, for that.

    However JCW was the ONLY person to take on this problem within the frum world so unless u have a better way that you have put into action, sorry your a non starter.

    As you have not taken any form of action against your abuser, are you taking on responsibility of any other victims of the same abuser ?

  • On the subject

    JCW is tackling an insidious problem which must be addressed.
    But.
    Wall of shame questions:
    1. Why is it OK to permanently shame the abuser?
    The Torah prohibits the public hanging of the body of a murderer-because it too needs respect.
    2. Why is the permanent shame of the innocent spouse, innocent children and innocent grandchildren permitted?
    These are basic halachic, and human questions.
    There needs to be another, better way.
    Do we do it only because we have not yet figured out a better way?

    Another question:
    JCW has taught us that the abuser is usually a former victim of the same abuse.
    He needs help. Lot’s of help. Not more abuse and permanent shame.
    My point is: While the abusers must be stopped and censured, removed from teaching jobs etc., and the vctims healed and rehabilitated, why do we need also to destroy the lives of the abuser (who is usually a victim too) as well as destroy the lives of their family?
    We are after all a people of mercy and kindness. Can we find a more humane way to treat this terrible malady?

    • KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

      I believe the purpose of the Wall of Shame is twofold:
      1. It may serve as a possible deterrent to future abusers.
      2. Knowing which people pose a danger to other children, parents, teachers and guardians may be able to keep their children at a safe distance.
      Nothing is guaranteed, but knowledge is power.

      … I doubt there is any ill will meant at all and these people must be hurting inside, but we MUST PROTECT OUR CHILDREN!!!

  • Pedant

    Remember when the fire department recommended that school classroom doors remain close while kids are in attendance because in the event of a fire c”v that is safer than to give the conflagration unobstructed access to the classroom’s interior. That is like getting advice and perspective on the issue from the victims. Because Reb Shmuel is sane doesn’t mean that there aren’t some very subversive and exaggerated premises threading through even mostly sane writing like this:

    “Leaders are often chosen by their ability to act abstract and non-worldly. As long as they robotically do the rituals, they are considered holy and ironically “wise.” How a leader treats others is not often a consideration. A rabbi could steal, rape, molest or beat his wife and still hold a prestigious position in the “Frum” world.”

    This isn’t at all the frum world I’ve lived and live in. Every single well-respected Chabad leader isn’t known to be associated with any of these behaviors and would brought down many notches if he were. This is calumny.

    I probably should have left this at ‘oh how brave thank you for keeping perspective!’ but this too is pernicious, sorry.

  • Missing the point

    Child sexual abuse destroys the very foundation of the abused’s being. It is a human tragedy. Perhaps only understood by one who went through it or their family member. It completely changes one’s sense of self and one’s ability to relate to others.Agreed?
    I want to express my gratitude to Rabbi Kopel for speaking so honestly and from the heart and can only endorse his wise words. When I was fourteen years old I asked my Rabbi about the behavior of my frummer than myself peers…I still have the long letter written about the Torah being given to people, not angels. With all that said..
    change is needed..how to accomplish that?
    as Rabbi Kopel pointed out…become an activist..
    if it’s the education system in our communities, if it’s ignorance and a bit of stupidity, etc of community leaders..so.be an activist..Show me someone that hasn’t been “burnt by the system”…so why do we choose to flight instead of fight..instead of being activists …small baby steps do add up..Maybe the person after me will benefit and not suffer as I did..
    but we are so caught up in the resentment,with the pain of injustice. But the cycle keeps on going..as the Friedeker Rebbe said …and I’m paraphrasing..good one action from a 1-1000 groans..What would yeshivas look like today if everyone who “suffered” there influenced some awareness or helped initiate some change. We all get stuck in the negative thinking..and because everyone deals with it individually, it is labeled ” my problem..rather as Rabbi Kopel tried pointing out..”OUR” responsibility…

  • To #23

    Yes! We need to protect our children. But we have the same obligation to the abusers children as well. Yes, the abuser should have worried about his children and grandchildren before he abused, but he didn’t and his children are victims of the public shaming.

    Also, it *may* be a deterent. We don’t know for sure. But the destruction of entire families is for sure.

    Furthermore, my point was that we need to find a more humane, Jewish way of doing this.

    • Jewish way ?

      Only Torah can be named a JEWISH Way. as we are going to read on shabbes Mishpotim
      Same Law, Different Court

      The Talmud (Gittin 88b) learns from this verse that we must bring our civil disputes only “before them”—the Jewish courts, and not have them adjudicated in a non-Jewish court system. This is so even if the ruling of the secular court would be the same as if a Jewish court judged the case based on Torah law. For when you seek and abide by the rulings of a court of Torah law, you are submitting yourself to the will of G-d. In contrast, to abide by the rulings of a secular court, even if their conclusions are identical to that of the Torah, is merely to acknowledge the justness of human conventions and logic.

      This principle is similarly found in the Talmud’s description of the work of the yetzer hara, the voice inside us that draws us to sin. The yetzer hara does not initially suggest that we transgress the most grievous of sins, says the Talmud. Rather, “Today he tells him, ‘Do this’; tomorrow he tells him, ‘Do that;’ until he bids him, ‘Go and serve idols,’ and he goes and serves” (Shabbos 105b).

      Chassidus explains this to mean that the yetzer hara’s initial “suggestion” is not even to transgress on a minor prohibition. Rather, he begins by lending credence to mitzvah observance from a rational perspective. He says, “Do this!” meaning, “this mitzvah is justified even by my standards.” In this way, heslowlyinfiltrates a person’s attitude toward Torah observance. Instead of being centered on obedience to G-d’s will, one’s observance of the mitzvos now becomes defined by the degree to which he finds a particular mitzvah sensible, useful, and personally beneficial. And after successfully diverting a person’s focus from obeying G-d’s will and G-d’s will alone, the yetzer hara can eventually lure him to transgress even the harshest of sins.

      For the same reason, the Torah tells us not to bring our civil disputes before a secular court even if their judgment will concur with Torah law. In order not to fall prey to the yetzer hara’s vices, our observance of the Torah may not be contingent on human rationalization alone. We must approach allthe mitzvos with an attitude of kabbolas ol, obeying the mitzvos primarily because they are G-d’s will and we are His subjects.

      —Likkutei Sichos vol. 3, p. 900

  • cnl

    The rabbi who gave that answer should be locked in a room for a week with ten abusers. Then lets see what he has to say!