Op-Ed: Please Be Specific!
It happens often. The phone rings. It is an unfamiliar number. My eyebrows narrow, my forehead wrinkles and my memory goes for a jog trying to decipher any previous connection with the digits on the screen. I press the green button and say in a polite voice, “Hello?”
“Hi. I’m calling about ……………… who you know from …………..”
“No problem,” I answer, willing to do my part and help another fellow on the road to the Chuppah. ‘What would you like to know?”
“Well, tell me about them,” comes the response. Here’s where I pause for a minute and try to organize my thoughts. I hem and haw and go through how I know the person and all their maalos. Describing a person is very general.
Then the fun questions come. “Is …. Chassidish?” Yes
“Middos Tovos?” Yes
“Is she Tznius?” Yes
“Is she smart?” Yes.
What do you mean by Chassidish? What middos are you looking for as you say middos tovos? I would love to help you and accurately answer all that I can but I am lost what to reply. The conversation ends, you hang up, and I hope I was a bit of a help.
I recently got a phone call asking about a certain girl who has phenomenal Middos. I described all the positives and tried to be as helpful as possible. “Nu,” the mother asked me. “Voss is nuch? What’s the drawback? Anything else you can tell me? Everyone I call says a diamond, a jewel and all the maalos. How can I find out specifics, the whole picture?” This parent was clearly frustrated by her inability to get answers she wanted. What she was missing was multiple choice questions.
It would be much more effective to ask multiple choice questions:
“What type of Chassidish is he? Chitas, Rambam, Mivtzoyim, Mamorim…” I can easily answer you, “Oh, he’s great about doing Mivtzoyim. He’s energetic and inspired.” I now have an idea of how to answer and you have a way more accurate response then “Ye, he’s Chassidish.” You can ask further or infer from my enthusiastic response when you mentioned Mivtzoyim that learning isn’t his strongest aspect.
The same can be asked of a girl. “Is she Tznius?” will guarantee you a positive response unless that is far from the truth. Tznius can be defined in so many ways. “What type of Tznius is she? Not so fussy, covers everything but a bit tight, or knees might show when she sits…” Surprisingly, people answer very exact! It is easier to say the truth when it is a choice in a panel. Sometimes I might say, “Oh, none of those. Really she’s …….” Once again, you get much more precise answers and I get much clearer ideas of how to accurately answer your question.
Being specific in your questions and knowing the type of answers you are expecting goes a long way in the quality of the phone call. Zone in on what exactly you are looking for as a positive and negative and your questions will target those areas. Take the answers we give you and surmise the character we are describing. Then ask clarification questions to see if you got the correct impression. These two important steps are helpful to the caller, the answerer and the person in question.
This was not written as criticism, just as suggestion to make this confusing stage a bit more clear. May we see many Simchos in Klal Yisroel immediately and have the ultimate Simcha: Moshiach!
i just lie
if you are not ready to tell me your name, i will not share others failiures. its simple, i have no idea who you are and how you will understand it. give your name, and ill be more trusting.
Srulik from Troy
Is it appropriate to show such a photo – pouting lips, adorned nails? This is what leads to trouble on the internet!
Be specific!
Having helped my parents look into my siblings shidduchim, I have always said my name at the beginning of the conversation (why should anyone talk if they don’t know who they’re talking with?) and my parents give me a list of specific questions – does she cover her legs with socks or tights? Does he go to a daily minyan?
Chofetz Chaim
A great book for guidance is “Chofetz Chaim A Lesson A Day” by ArtScrcoll
Fresser Chossid
BH
I wonder if the Fresser Rebbe has any opinion on this subject
enough
how many op-eds do we need about shiduchim
bottom line is what parents are looking for is not the same what their children are looking for
let the boys and girls mingle and make their own shiduchim, this way they cant scream at you later if they are unhappy and we wont have to deal with all the drama
Anan Amos
Powerful and so true. Thank you for that.
I really relate.
In my personal experience my friend unfortunately didn’t appreciate my straight-forward attitude.
My experience goes as follows.
A very good friend was looking for his shidduch; naturally since I was so close to him, the family put me as a reference.
One day I get a long distance phone call. It is a woman with a foreign accent trying very hard to talk to me in English. I realized that she may talk another language and proposed to her two other languages in order to assist the communication. It was turned down.
Her first question was “Are you his friend?”
“Um,yeah???” (in my head I am thinking – “Why else would you call me?”)
“Why?”
“What do you mean by ‘why?’
”Well what makes you his friend?“
”I don’t know – I guess because we grew up in school together since we were three…?“
”Ok, but what is so special in him that got you to be his friend“
At this point I was starting to loose patience. Clearly, this individual is trying to get some information, but is having a really hard time communicating in English. I tried talking to her in two other languages, but she insisted in talking English. Ok. I thought to myself, here goes another one of those ‘beating around the bush’ type of conversation I have with all these people calling me about my friends. I decided to cut to the chase and told her straight up.
”Listen, I truly respect what you are trying to do, however whether you realize or not – there seems to be a communication barrier here. I am sure that you are trying to help, and so am I. But it is very difficult for me to explain to you why I like my friend. I mean he has a nice nose…???” (had to throw in a little of sarcasm there…)
I went on and asked her if it was her daughter she was calling for, if it was her first daughter she was marrying off. and then I went on by giving her a very detailed picture by role-playing what a normal phone call should be like.
I told her – ask me things like – what kind of father would this guy be? what kind of husband? would the Rebbe feel comfortable in his home? does he make time for learning? is he sincere, is he compassionate etc. SPECIFICS
My message is: Please don’t think I can read your mind when you are calling me. I have no clue what your agenda is, and please don’t assume that what you consider Chassidish and good middos is what I consider Chassidish and good middos. I am more than happy to help – but I can only help if you help me help you.
NU FEH
You could not find a more Untziniyas Photo for the article???????
Perh
Perhaps someone should come up with a list of questions to help those who don’t know which questions to ask.
AshMan to #9
best advice I ever received: have a short list and a long list. The short list are things that will prevent you from marrying. The long list are all the other nice to haves. Don’t confuse them.
Short list is different for everyone, but I suggest:
Basics
1. Davening, 3x a day with a minyan (or 2x daily anywhere for women)
2. Chitas/Rambam everyday.
3. (if out of yeshiva) regular shiurim, daily or at least weekly
4. Acceptable kashrus organizations
5. Beard trimming?
Life skills
1. read and write English
2. enough math to balance a checkbook and pay taxes
3. some work experience, paid or unpaid
Some long list questions:
1. Shlichus, kollel, or work?
2. live in Crown Heights, other Brooklyn, other states or countries?
3. preferences for table cloths, plastic ware, socks, hose…
yes
love the photo. and love how everyone loves this type of marriage but never ever talks about its numerous down sides ie this article, well written!
to no 6
cuz we love our children and want whats best for them- were not just looking for them to marry anyone they meet esp if we know its not good for them down the line- were not gonna solve the shidduch crisis at the price of setting up a divorce crisis chas vshalom
to # 8
There’s nothing about the woman in this photo to distinguish her from the typicsl Bais Rivkah graduate.
no name
I get about three calls a week. If the caller identifies themselves, and gives me a name that I am familiar with, I will answer as honestly as I am able to. A call from someone who does not identify himself, or tells me, this is Mrs. Cohen speaking, you can be sure, I am not giving out any serious information WHATSOEVER!!!
anonymous
I can relate to this as well! People call up and ask what is she like? well what do you want to know? By asking specific questions you get much further.