In today’s day and age we live with lots of easy access to explicit information. Magazine covers are displayed all over the supermarkets, showing every type of immoral act. The internet is infested with immorality and depravity. With all these environmental hazards, do you think this has no effect on your child? In today’s world it is almost impossible to shield our children from all this shmutz. Putting a paper bag over their heads just won’t work.
Op-Ed: Who Will Talk to Your Kids About That Topic?
In today’s day and age we live with lots of easy access to explicit information. Magazine covers are displayed all over the supermarkets, showing every type of immoral act. The internet is infested with immorality and depravity. With all these environmental hazards, do you think this has no effect on your child? In today’s world it is almost impossible to shield our children from all this shmutz. Putting a paper bag over their heads just won’t work.
Parents, wake up and smell the coffee while it is not too late. Beware: the way your child finds out about the facts of life could have negative and long-lasting effects.
From the day my children were born, I had a plan all worked out in my head. I would be the first one to tell my kids about the facts of life, before someone else did! The way your children are told about this inyan creates a foundation for life.
My first goal was to create a trusting, loving relationship with all my children. I instilled in them that they can come to me with any questions in their mind, no matter how big, small, ugly or embarrassing! I will never be upset no matter what questions they have.
This trusting relationship will enable your child to come to you at any age, in the event that someone decides to tell them information that they are not ready for. When your children know that you are open to all their questions, no matter what the subject is, they will trust you and always come to you with questions.
My friend had such an experience when her child was at the tender age of eight. He came home from yeshivah and told her about the education he got from an older boy in the locker room. Of course, it was given over in a very ugly, distorted way. She would have preferred to wait until her children were a bit older to educate them about this part of life, but under these circumstances, she immediately stepped up to the plate.
She lovingly thanked him for coming to her immediately and not trying to deal with this overwhelming information alone. She told him that this child did not have the information right. She told him the Torah perspective, about the holy relationship with a husband, wife and Hashem. How beautiful this relationship is, when we follow the guidance of Torah. Only a lack of Torah can make this beautiful relationship into shmutz and ugliness.
She ended by telling her son that this is such a kedushah’dik subject that one does not go telling any of his friends. Let their Mommy and Tatty tell them in the right time. She reminded him that he was always welcome to ask her any questions that he will have in the future. He walked away with a very peaceful expression and went back to his usual play activities.
Many parents live in fear about educating their children about this touchy subject. They may be embarrassed to share this information with their children. Yes, it is not an easy topic to teach. Some parents are afraid to tell their children about this relationship, lest the child figure out what is going on in their private life.
However, no matter how embarrassed you may be in sharing this topic, once your child reaches the age of eleven or so, it is almost guaranteed that he or she will find out something about this subject on their own. Unfortunately what your child will be exposed to is not the holy or beautiful version. With explicit billboards and advertisements all over the busses and subways, our children are at risk of finding out the wrong version, and younger than ever. In that event you will have to try to straighten them out and undo the damage that was already done.
When broaching the subject with your child, you must tell yourself that this is Torah and it is a mitzvah and there is no need for embarrassment. I must add that many adults are ashamed to discuss this subject with their children because they may have found out these facts in an inappropriate way, and were not given parental guidance when they needed it most. You do not want to repeat this cycle; you don’t want your children to be misinformed about something that can cause damage later in their adult and married life.
If you are concerned about giving away your private life, I have some news for you: Your children probably already know more then you can even imagine. But if you sit down with them and give them the Yiddishe, holy, beautiful version, you will have a chance to prevent much damage to their innocence.
When a child nears the age of puberty, my approach is to take the child aside privately and lovingly, and tell them about their upcoming developmental changes. I discuss with them how their body will change and how it will affect them, and explain that this is the way Hashem planned for His creations to develop.
I go on to explain that one day they will get married and enter into a very kedushah’dik relationship with a husband or wife, with Hashem as a third partner. This very beautiful, loving, holy partnership creates more Yidden in the world. I always end off by allowing them to ask me any questions that they may have. They are told to come back to me and only me to discuss anything else that may come up in the future. I stress that the information that I just imparted to them is very holy, and they should not tell this to any of their friends. Their friends need to discuss this topic with their own parents.
When parents discuss this topic with their children, it creates a deep trust, and bonds the child-parent relationship forever.
What if parents just cannot bring themselves to educate their children on this subject? My suggestion is that they find a frum, trusted, professional educator, who will discuss this topic in the presence of both parent and child. Having the parent there when this sensitive information is shared will also enhance the bond between parent and child.
Another approach is to find kosher literature that presents this topic in a kedushah’dik way. Read it with your child. The book will provide you with the words and information, but you will be there for your child in person, to create that bond and trust.
Our parents and grandparents tried to hide this topic from us until our weddings. In our generation we can no longer afford to do this. The risks are too high. The way our children find out initially becomes the foundation for their future adult life. Children who are educated with the knowledge that this relationship is holy, wholesome, pure, and beautiful will go into their future married life with much happiness and peace of mind.
For those mothers that find it hard to broach this topic, I will be glad to assist or possibly give lectures on how to make this important conversation with your child more comfortable and successful.
Tzipporah Clapman is a registered nurse with a Masters Degree in Family Medicine. She runs School clinics for the Government, and lectures on health topics for Bais Rivkah and many other schools and organizations. She has a private practice in Family Medicine in her Crown Heights home and see patients by appointment only.
hmmm
and if ur child didnt know yet, they do now…thanks to crownheights.info
DANGER ALERT
THE INTERNET IS A VERY IMMORAL PLACE
PEOPLES LIVES HAVE BEEN DISTROYED(GO SEE WHAT RABBI TWERSKY HAS TO SAY)
ONE THING IS FOR SURE IT TAKES AWAY THE YIRAIE SHMAYIM FROM THE HOME
PEOPLE HAVE LOST MARRIEGES, KIDS .ETC ETC
I AM DISCONECTING MY INTERNET ASAP
Thanks, but no thanks
You did give me a chance!
The heading of this otherwise valuble article is insensative, yes, my 10 year old, who Is allow to go on CH Info and saw the caption, wants to know.
You weren’t very considerate.
yanki
Agree with your article, although as a parent the title should be changed. NOW. This is a frum website, and no reason to be the channel to make things worse than they are.
Disclaimer: I completed my masters degree in these subjects, taught by my own friends in 7th grade, oholei Torah.
anonim
amazing!!!!
i tought, i was the only one thinking on that way!
by the way i am only 16 and i’m a mobil weetneses on this,
actualy i was and i am a very curius person so by 10 years old i
start wondering… you know and by 11 and a halfe i can say i was aware of every thing!
i’m happy there’s people wory about it.
Westy
Wow I love how everyone thinks that this website is only read by adults….
now they may have questions
very smart because alot of ppl on this sight are kids!
FB BAN
I think this article is worse than the bais rivkah fb ban
ch info was never 4 kids!!
I firmly believe that if your bold enough to allow your child at the ripe age of ten to surf this website that has very informative subjects… that are not always for ten year olds ,then perhaps its a blessing that you’ll finally give him the proper facts.
thanks
Well said.Mrs clapman gave a class in my daughters school and as a mother I was so glad that she made growing up into a beautiful gift from g-d.thanks .
Sickening
this website should be ashamed of itself for publishing this knowing that little children read the site. I was a loyal fan for years but you are starting to publish quite a few disturbing articles. I avoid the other sites because their politics don’t sit well with me, but I don’t want my children destroyed BY YOUR site. GENUG SHOIN!!!
Thank You
i agree 100 percent thank you!!!
!!!!
agree with #1
A mother who cares
I hope lots of 10 year old kids read this and ask their parents for more information. At least they will hopefully learn about this from the loving parent, and not from some classmate that will give it over from some terrible web site, or magazine.
Also this knowledge will prevent them from being a victum of abuse, which is so common now a days. By teaching this inyan in a beautiful, special lite, perhaps they will not fall prey to deviated life styles. We already have opened gay people in our community. Maybe if they were educated at an early age they would not have gone in that direction.
I have given over this information to all my children at around 10 years of age, and this was a very special time to bond and gain their trust in our parent/child relationships. They all had a very
healthy attitude about this subject and knew it was holy and special and not something dirty and disgusting. Unfortunately the kids that find out from their friends have a very negative impression of this phase in life, and who knows what that can do to their future life.
GROW UP
GET THIS OFFLINE NOW! THE RIGHT THING IS TO TALK TO THEM NOT POST IT WHERE THEY CAN READ IT BEFORE YOU HAD A CHANCE TO DO SO!
no pun intended
best line of the article
“Many parents live in fear about educating their children about this touchy subject.”
completely insensitive
the author and ch.info should have thought twice before putting up this title and certain parts of this article
inappropriate
I am surprised at the author
there are many kids who read this website
as you said yourself in your article, this is something parents should be doing, and then you go ahead and do the exact opposite with you screaming title
I am shocked
CH MOM
The article is on target, but the title should be more subtle so that the actual question is not planted in the minds of children who may see this article, prematurely. Parents should definitely have this discussion with their children, but, if possible, choose when they think it is the appropriate time. I do not believe that children should be independently using the internet. However, I personally skim over this site with my kids next to me, which would offer them the question on the spot.
beautiful!
im a teenager from ch, and let me tell you that being educted by ur friends is the worst thing! you get the wrong info. living in 2012 i wish our schools had more education on this topic. yes, i agree with this article 100%. to change all the wrong thoughts and info u have on this topic later on in life is extremly diffiuclt. the first impression always remains with you. PARENTS; EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN!!! if you would only know what they are going thru trying to make sense of the info they were given, wudnt you want to help them? let them know you are here to answer their questions, if you are not, they’ll get their info in otherways which will proably be a lot worse!
even if it may seem uncomfortable, every child would greatly benefit from getting the facts of life tought to them in a proper manner, and your friends, are not that at all! yes, when children read this they will, or at least should, ask questions. its healthy and they deserve to be answered in a healthy way.
do whats best for your children in the long run.
the woman who wrote this article is a professional and is letting parents know, what many parents might not know about their kids. these are questions many kids wish their parents would answer, so please do! dont wait till they are so confused that its almost impossiable to change what they already know.
thank you to the auther for putting this out there in a beautiful, clean and proper way!
ditto to number 10!
Well said.
Unfortunately, as a kid I learnt it in a very wrong way, before my parents got a chance. It made things very hard when I got married.
Please don’t let that happen to your kids! If you think you can just sit back until they’re older, then it’s time to pull your head out of the sand.
Confused
uh.. not sure who decided for this article to be put up here. I just know that this article should be read at a parenting lecture or class. Not everything that is right or true has to be said.
kol hakovod
agree 100 percent with Mrs clapman
if your kid is old enough to go on the internet then probably
old enough to talk to your child about it
grow up
no one is forced to come to this website. if you don’t like the content don’t come here!
Take responsibility
Don’t blame the site for you not overseeing what your children read on line. This site is not for children never was with all the crime and politics written here…don’t shift blame, take responsibility! And bravo to the author for shedding light on an important topic. I could never bring the topic up myself, so I would give my girls the book ‘the wonder of becoming you’ at age 10 to give them the basics and then I took over…
Books
I would like suggestions of kosher books that address this topic, that parents could use, thanks!
These comments are crazy!
I cannot believe how dumb and unintelligent a lot of the above comments are.
#1 if you are concerned about your children you should NEVER allow them to surf the web unsupervised. You MUST check through all content prior to allowing your child to view it.
#2 How many times does the concept of man-woman relationships appear in chumah, mishnayous, Gemara? Countless times!!
Your child by the age of 10 should have encountered these concepts numerous times. Do you think that your child is so dumb that he goes through his learning without understanding a word? Do you feel that we should cut out all of these touchy parts from the torah?
If Hashem feels that it is okay for this subject to discussed in his holy Torah, I think it is safe to say that this is a holy subject, and there is nothing wrong with innocent children knowing about this holy subject.
Unfortunately, we have been very influenced from our environment and cannot come to terms with the fact that this is really holy. Somewhere in our subconsciousness we feel that it is innately evil.
Wake up an smell the coffee. Not everything is as dark as you think it is.
Give your children the gift of knowledge. Give them the beauty of our Torah’s perspective.
VERY IMPORTANT
I’m a Bucher, not a educator or parent.
I just want to let you know that if you are wondering when your kid should know, definitely b4 he enters Mesivta.
Most Yeshivos teach Tanya to Shiur Aleph. They do not start from Perek Aleph, they do the parts about The Tavos of this world. The Alter Rebbe dose not code it or play it down… Gemoro also has that in there.
I also think its a god idea for a Bar Mitzvah age kid to learn parts or all of Kuntris Omain at the same time as he finds out…
Wake Up, People!
Wow. It amazes me to see how many people are so uncomfortable with the facts of life, they’d rather bury their heads in the sand than be an adult and educate their children. The whole point of the article was to encourage parents to talk to their children and not have children find out from their friends (like I did) with such distorted, negative and immodest facts. Wake up people! They WILL find out (your child is not the exception!). Wouldn’t you want your child to find out from you in a loving, trusting relationship with Jewish values?
My mother was so uncomfortable with the facts of life that she didn’t even tell me about changes that happen at a certain age. To a 12 year old girl, you can imagine that’s very frightening–and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Well done Ms. Clapman.
what did the Rebbe say?
When children are taught Torah right, they learn about these subjects. The Rebbe said that everyone should learn Rambam-the books on Rambam for children gloss over these subjects and do not translate literally.What do teacher do when teaching parhas Noach about the people being destroyed due to immorallity? What do they do when learning about Lot? What about when learning about Dina? Didn’t the Rebbe mention something about teaching children properly and not glossing over these subjects?
However, websites do not need to rebrodcast sensitive subjects that are very upsetting and may border on lashon hara. People are affected by what they see and hear.
Mom of teens
The fact that there is so much backlash about this artiicle just proves how much fear there is regarding this issue and how important this message is. Thank you Mrs. Clapman for bringing this to the forefront. I’ve been trying to explain this to my husband to no avail.
Regardless of what kids say they know, they don’t really know and I think they deserve and are entitled to an honest discussion with a parent.
CR
It has always troubled me that “the topic” has always been taboo among the frumme-krumme set but bar-mitzvah aged boys are learning about Mukas Eitz/Drusas Ish etc. in Gemara class. The material is out there and in our faces, even from “kosher” sources, and has to be dealt with.
A realistic mommy
Thank u for posting ! I was one of the few fortunate “ girls” that got “ that” talk with my mother at 11 years old, it really gave me a sense of security, confidence and maturity when I turned into a young lady., thank u mrs clapman for publishing this article and reminding moms how important this talk is for preteens
Books
There are a number of books out there, although some are geared towards a late-teenager age, and others are very open. Rabbi Manis Friedman’s ‘Doesn’t anyone blush anymore’ is a timeless classic, as is Rabbi Pinchos Stopler’s ‘Jewish Insights into love, dating and marriage’ published by the Orthodox Union in conjunction with Artscroll. Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz, in ‘The thinking Jewish teenager’s guide to life’ has a chapter on the Kedusha of male-female relationships as well, but it will need to be brought down to a preteen level. While these books were written (at least the first two) geared more toward a less-frum crowd, in today’s world, most (if not all) children have been exposed to these issues by the time they are in seventh grade.
credentials near your name
To the author:
credential near your name do not give you the credentials nor the right to expose children to this in the way and manner that you did
This follows the Nshei Chabad article you wrote which, while having many good points, had many over-the-top, insensitive, points and with an almost arrogantly written air about them.
By titling your article the way you did, you go against points that you yourself wrote in your article here on ch.info.
YOU are NOT the parents of our youth, so while your point is extremely valid, you need to find another way to present it, and defintely another tone and manner.
I am surprised this was posted on ch.info.
My children (who are not teens) are not allowed to be on the internet by themselves, but it is worthy to remember that there are unfortunately many who are on the ‘chabad’ websites freely. You can’t just post whatever you want, and say: It’s those kids parents issue, the kids shouldn’t be on this website.” Because at the end of the day you have hurt the very kids you claim that you are trying to protect.
What is so not fair is that what you have done is irreversible.
Very unprofessional.
CL
Just reading the comments, it appears that the author touched a sensitive nerve. Those who are offended that this article was posted on a chabad website, have to admit that everything she writes is true. We can not deny the fact that our kids are exposed to so much out there, I’m not quite sure why people are blaming the author of the article for exposing our kids to even more! There is no comparison between this article and what’s out there!! And furthermore, if kids are really reading the content on this website, maybe it will be a catalyst for discussion between a kid and adult or even for a child to realize that there is more information then what he/she might have heard.
levi rapoport
great article. wrong place.
Sara
Response to #34. Unprofessional?? SO NOT!!
YOU are SO opinionated and wrong about Mrs. Clapman. There was NO haughtiness expressed in her article in Nshei (only humor) and not in the above article, either.
Mrs. Clapman brought up this subject in a VERY aidel way. If children KNOW what she’s talking about, then they ALREADY know more than you think they know. Don’t blame her. She has done a GREAT service in reminding parents to do THEIR job to raise their children, without being boorish.
Sorry you take such offense at the truth.It Does hurt…
OK, OK, OK
A boy is given some homework on childbirth. He goes to his mother and says, ‘How was I born?’ ‘Well, honey,’ says the embarrassed mother, ‘the stork brought you to us.’ ‘Oh,’ says the boy. ‘And how did you and Daddy get born?’ ‘Oh, the stork brought us too,’ says the mother. ‘Well how were Grandpa and Grandma born?’ the boy persists. ‘Well darling, the stork brought them too!’ says the frustrated mother. A few days later, the boy hands in his homework with the following opening sentence, ‘This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.’
to #37
ya gotta laugh, aidel you say?
you call the title for this article
published on a public website
read by all ages
aidel??????
maybe aidel means something else in your dictionary
Thanks but no thanks
To all who commented,
Yes, the 10 year old might be old enough for his parents to inform him, but no reason for “an otherwise valuble article” to introduce the subject in a manner his friends might have done.
No, He isn’t surfing unsupervised, he is allowed however on CH info to whom we owe thanks for posting this most important article, and for changing the heading in line with the point made by the writer.
you can say what you want
bs”d
It is always so easy to say that those who oppose something are the nerdy ones, the ones burying their heads in the sand, the farfrumte ones, the ones who are not with it….
the author writes quite clearly herself that she would tell kids NOT to speak about this subject with their friends because it is something they should hear from their parents,
and then,
she goes and does the EXACT OPPOSITE.
If this was a talk given to parents, it would have been wonderful…
to #37-ahemmmmm
why don’t you read the letters to the editor in teh Nshei Newsletter, I remember it had opposition
It wasn’t nice how she bashed our teachers in our community
Reread the article if you’d like,
Thank you ch.info
For changing the title of this wonderful article.
Not The Torah Way
Where in Shulchan Aruch does it say that parents need to educate their children in the art of reproduction? It does say to teach them Torah, and the Torah has plenty of guidance on the subject just as it has on any other subject. That’s the torah way.
Medical literature is for fine Christian Moms.
Instead of teaching your 10 year old about spiritual intimicy, and then making him promise not to tell, better to learn hilchos nidda, kiddushin, yibomes… there is so much education in our own books so why turn to “professionals.”
Let the “experts” keep their advice to their own goyishe enviroments.
The Torah Way
I just finished studying with my 11 year old son the first chapter of Mishnayes Keilim.
Kid: “What is shichvas zera?”
Me: “look it up”
Kid: “Fluid from the body?”
Me: “Yes”
Kid: “Oh”
End of story. It’s not that complicated.
Let-s Educate our Parents
I’d keep my education from the locker room.
When I shared my findings with my tatty he gave me a patch and called up the principle yelling at him to get the “bad influence” out of the school.
And no, paranoids, the friendly discovery has not ruined my life forever. Just because I was educated from exposure to “shmutz” I have not turned out to have terrible reproductive disorders and marital disharmony that can only be solved by a psychiatrist.
In fact, I think it’s more healthy for parents to allow their child the freedom to explore on his own, without snooping into their child’s private social life and demanding to be the only source of education in their child’s lives.
If all these years a parent hasn’t yet fostered a trusting relationship with their child, its too late. Mrs Clappman’s advice on how to build trust ain’t gonna help. And if you can’t talk about tabboo, think about how many other topics are kept under the rug. Topics that are far more important in a parent child relationship than the importance of what happens the night after the wedding. That trusting relationship is GONE. It’s too late, Mrs. Clappman. Next time you could suggest Parenting 101.
I have more trust in my friends. And the information I get from them is more accurate and more reliable anyway.
furture
Great article,
Give me a break!!!!
Those of you who are freaking out about this title must be standing over your child as they are on the computer BECAUSE IF YOU ARE NOT THERE ARE MUCH WORSE THINGS OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hello this is cyberspace full of undie commercials etc. If you don’t want your kid learning about the birds and the bees don’t put them on here. Oh- while you are at it move them to a secluded farm somewhere. Because on city streets they will learn nice juicy words from our neighbors. Oh- and don’t let them talk to kids in their class- 1/6th of kids in our yeshivas over the age of 12 have a tv, access to one, or watch secular videos. this article was discreet and well written. my daughter learned about what the birds and the bees were at age 10 in camp – I had to quickly correct her viewpt. and for the lady who spoke about shifza zera (excuse my spelling)- maybe telling our kids that touching certain areas could cause problems (esp as they hit bas mitzvah age) might avoid issues instead of skirting them. and if a kid is getting potched for asking natural questions then the parent needs a good talk not the kid.
PARENTS READ THIS!
BS”D
Everyones going crazy, but let me know, as a teen, this IS the right thing to do. If kids find out through this I beg Hashem that they ask you, their Parents about it! This is not a disgusting or terrible subject. It is HOLY
but when kids educate each other, they use what they know from the outside world, and trust me, someone always knows. Don’t let your kid be that one with the misunderstanding! This was the right thing to do. We need to progress, and I agree 100%. I went through my problems and at 16 B”H since my parents took it over with me much earlier I was able to ask for help when I needed it and fix things where they needed to be fixed, Chasdei Hashem.
momBH
btw a good book on this topic- sold through amazon is- Talking to your children about intimacy: A Guide for orthodox jewish parents by sara diament, m.a. – i think they even have it on kindle