254 Comments

• mark

  I think most people trust that website, as i do, so the question is their more to gain or lose by publicizing your name

• Concerned citizen

  Honestly I am far more concerned with who the abuser is than this strong young man who seems to be getting the help he needs. There is no reason to drag his own name through the muck. There is a reason the news media doesn’t release the names of rape victims. Why should be be tormented further? Seems he has suffered enough! But who is this vile person who defiled him?

• Question:

  I do believe the idea of this organization you speak of has a clause that if the abuser contact all victims and apologizes and claims to not be doing this anymore they let him off the hook.
  I’m not 100% sure. But either way I think your choice, while complex emotionally, is simple. If this man is continuing to do what you say he’s done, then of course you should report him, and I think people will respect you all the more for it.
  What happened is in no way your fault, and assuming someone else will think less of you because of it is to believe the assumption that it is in some way your fault.
  I think, whoever you marry, you want them and their family to be wise enough to realize that sometimes bad things happen to great people. And that sometimes those bad things are out of the person’s control.
  So it’s a simple YES from me, as you would not want to marry into a family that couldn’t realize the abuse that exists in its system, and that some ‘good’ people had to go through it.
  Good luck man.

  P.S. I think this is a really weird place to be asking people’s opinion. I think the main consensus here would be to tell a rabbi and all that religious stuff. So be careful who you listen to.

• A single girl

  I’d respect you and probably want to marry you!

• ephraim parker

  I am waiting to see the names of connected people who were known molesters/abusers appear on the list. everyone knows who they are…why r they not being listed?

• ahavas yisroel

  you are doing the right thing. may hashem help you out of this trauma and on to leave a productive life.may you find your true bashert soon …hatzlacha

• MUSHKY M

  wow! I am an abused teen who finally was able to get out of the situation. Many of you know me I was that super frum girl with no friends I worked a lot and went to a frum chabad school. Life finally became to much to bare I started doing really stupid things no one would dream that i did. This past rosh hashana i was done with alowing my father to beat me. i went to cps and was able to get out of my house. I was called a moser and much more. BUT I know that I did the right thing. I stood up for my self.I would not alow my father to control my life anymore. There are many like me out there who would be honored to go out with someone who had the guts to stand up for whats right and make sure no one else got hurt. It wont be an easy ride I’m sorry to say but I’m only 17 and I did it so can you. Good luck in your quest and i hope you find someone who will love and except you for who you really are.

• Shliach

  No other words to say but What a gibur!!

• Different generation

  These days most people understand that we have a big problem with abuse. People no longer judge/blame the victim.

• Dear Mendel

  I don’t know the answer to your question but I wish that you meet a girl who u really like and is deserving of you. You sound like a really great guy. I’m sorry that u experienced those terrible times. Thank you for your courage to do the right thing, so that other kids won’t have to suffer the same.

• Not from here

  my heart bleeds for you mendel, however, the right answer has nothing to do with the public. you need to do what you decide is the course for your life. let the chips fall where they may. i do recommend that you continue therapy and continue to stabilize yourself. you need to internalize this and make YOUR decision.

• No one special

  Mendel may you be blessed by G-d for your strength to come out on such an issue!

• anonymous

  wow. now thats something i’d call…
  COURAGE.
  mendel hashem created a tough world,
  where all the kedusha is covered by a thick
  ugly layer of black.
  ‘teen stage’ is something that everyone goes through.
  myself included.
  and something that u obliviously are passed, u went thru therapy. what whuld hashem want if not US to forgive u for somethin that was beyond your control?
  for US to understand and accept?
  love a fellow like yourself-still applies!
  u still definatly deserve to go on!
  jus know hashem is still your father,and ultimatly whats meant to happen (who ur meant to marry didnt change!) and iyh it will and ur family and friends will dance at ur wedding.
  gluck in everything. and kol hakovod on the courage u have/had to put your story out here and the abuser out in the public with us (still teenagers) in mind.
  tnk u. and moshiach now! may we all know NO MORE suffering.
  amen.

• chaim ber

  I’m a parent of Four. however my children are young. If they were older… I don’t see why this would be a stumbling block to making the shiduch. More so, i find that you are a very that you are a person with courage! it shows strength in your personalty. You were abused. you are a victim. you did not do anything wrong. The decision is your. keep strong! blessings to you

• GLUCK! hope everything works out

  coming out in public?
  will jus putting the abuser out in public do?
  theres no other way to get the abusers name public
  while maybe giving ur phone number for questions
  n help; but remaining anonymous?

• Rochol

  Dear Mendel,

  I commend your courage in revealing such personal thoughts in order to help others. I cant speak for all mother in laws, but as a Young lady in the ‘Parsha” of shidduchim i can say, that i would be more than happy to go out with someone who has gone through such difficult times, if like you he has taken the steps to work through any issues.
  You cannot help what happened to you- but i think its incredible that you have gone through therapy and have the courage to stand up to that horrible man.
  In fact, in my eyes i would be way more interested in a guy possessing your strength and ability to move on from such an awful situation.

  I hope your family finds comfort in the fact that you can now stand up for yourself.
  Hatzlacha raba,

• sara

  wow this an open honest and courageous letter. rather than choosing to brush the issue under the carpet, you have allowed others to open their minds and eyes to the deep pain other people are experiencing.
  believe me,
  there are people who are in fact looking for someone who has gone through a lot and have come out stonger,deeper, and more self aware than most people.
  there are others in the same boat as you.

• 1brotha2anotha

  mendel, im so sorry for the trauma and pain you experienced. Its not fare that these things happen to innocent people. unfortunately it happens way too often. i myself went through something at a young age that may or may not have affected the person i am today, but luckily i found strength in my family and friends. they helped me through my struggles. they helped me find my own strength.
  Now i dont exactly understand what it means for you to “come out”, but if your planning on getting married to a woman one day, its best you really think about what you want out of life. dont get married to a woman if theres a chance you will wake up one day and think, gee, i dont think this is what i want anymore. its not fare to your wife or your potential children. be honest with yourself.
  I know there are plenty of wonderful woman out there who would not care about the abuse you went through,people will surprise you. it doesn’t matter what the parents think about you. they aren’t the ones falling in love with you. if they ave a problem with you in the beginning of your marriage, well, guess what? time will make then look past what they were once too blind to see. they will eventually come to see that you are a brave amazing person that has lots to offer the world and no one is perfect. they will be proud to have you as a son in law.
  good luck and i wish you all the happiness in the world.

• breaking superficial boundries

  To Mendel,

  I envy your courage, you’ve taught a valuable lesson by writing this powerful, personal story. We all have our “dark past” and often at times we spend our entire lives burying it. Yet, you chose to expose your past, make it publicly known. I support you, and I feel it is who you are today that defines you. I am an engaged man, and I was fortunate enough to discuss my “dark past” with my wife to be and we worked through it and let me tell you it makes you a stronger person. In regards to exposing this man, I believe that is something you really need to discuss with a legal authority, Rabbi, Mashpia and close friends and family.

  Much Support,

• GO FOR IT !!!

  weather or not i would want you as my son in law really depends on my daughter. as for you going public with it, i commend your courage and guts to put away a sick man that has DESTROYED the life of many. GO FOR IT!!!!!

  a friend

• Maybe the Jewish way is

  The Tanya said that even someone who cuts your hand you have to furgive
  This not an easy answer but if Tanya give you a way a Jewish way .
  Any other answer can’t be smarter.
  For your health don’t try to fix the world by committing a sin of nekomo
  It will not help you in any way you already told the rabbi and now he is the one
  To prevent the future bad things that this men can do
  By way of forgiving you will get well and build a beautiful future for
  Yourself and be a happy person.
  Do not listen to the crusaders who look to do their mission
  And couldn’t care less about your future

• Mendel

  Dear Mendel,

  Firstly, I want to commend you for your exemplary inner strength. While most people would say you rightfully did nothing wrong and therefore should publicize your name, I advise you to out the abuser anonymously. This will prevent any potential further harm. You can get the result you would like without putting yourself on the line – yet again.

  I wish you only happiness and blessings.

• Avi

  I would immediately provide all his information to the police department on charge of child molestation investigations, just so they can prevent future abuses. This is an issue with no “gray” area. Good luck and I wish you a long and happy life.

• anon

  Although it breaks my heart to admit it, the reality is that it will effect your Shidduchim. People like to think that they are able to look past the stigma, but in reality, when it comes to themselves or their kids, they will see you as ‘damaged good.’
  Perhaps there is way to expose the monster that molested you in a way that keeps your name private? Maybe tell your story to a respectable Rabbi and have him publicize it? Otherwise, my advice would be to wait until you meet the right girl, a girl who can see past what was done to you, and see the man you have become. And then, as a team, tell your story.
  Wishing you the best of luck.

• a mother

  As a mother of an abused child ,who is suffering years later-I commend you for going for help and being a mench.My thoughts are with you as is my concern.If you dealt with the issue and came out in a healthy and productive frame of mind, why drag it all out to fit someone’s agenda of dealing with this?The abuser has been made aware, he has his issues to dealwith and you need to focus on YOUR life- it’s easy to get caught up in evening out the score-but at this point, if you are in a good place in life, what do YOU gain by going back to that place??this sounds politically incorrect, but lpoyal, is more sensible.hatzlocho

• be a good messenger to save lives

  Almost every family in Crown Heights has a son or daughter in your shoes.
  Many of them do not know it, or refuse to come to terms with it.
  You will certainly find a good shidduch, because such a great percentage of decent young people nowadays have been horribly abused.
  Publicizing your name with your story is a brave move. First of all, publicizing your story and the name of your abuser is a must. Your own name – only you can make that decision.
  Regardless, this is the number one issue facing Chabad and all of Judaism today, whether people know it yet or not, admit it yet or not.
  The number one ingredient to a good shidduch and truly successful marriage is actually – although people tell you the opposite – honesty. Honesty coupled by real care. A marriage where the couple is completely open and caring is successful despite any hardships thrown their way.
  You want to find someone who recognizes that truth.
  Coming forward is a demonstration of that quality.
  Your writing shows sensitivity and thoughtfulness in doing so.
  Good luck and besuros tovos!

• Eidem

  There is no one on this board who can advise you.
  I hope you have a “real” therapist not “Simone who deals with these things”

  If you have a real therapist preferbaly someone with a PHD then you follow his direction. And even more so if he is a frum therapist.

  Good luck

• JustMe

  To Mendel,

  This has to be the bravest letter I’ve read in a long time.

  It is sincere and it is honest plus it is raw.

  You ask are you damaged goods? What a brave question to put out. I wholeheartedly can state in my mind you are NOT and would have no bearing on a shiduch – the point is – its not like you did nothing about it. Obviously you went out of the way to deal with this hurt and abuse which is lots more than many others do for various reasons but mostly innocent ones.

  For one to express himself as you did here – shows more than you can imagine. You will always have many to support you and many to fall back on. You are open and honest. SOmething many from the best families are not always.

  As for your parents – I can only imagine and with tears I can only state if they do not accept you or understand what you put out, finally, I’m sure with much hesitancy – its not their fault…I don’t believe they know better!

  They are still your parents regardless but you are the one that has risen so much higher you will be able to handle them also any way the chips fall. Love them for whatever else you can – it is what it is!

  Here’s a pat on the back for you!

  As for naming this predator – absolutely! It will cleanse your mind and soul while protecting the present youth.

• Chana

  I too know what you are going through, don’t think twice, you ensure the safety of every child out there. I also had the same concerns as you. I went to therapy thought i would never marry, not be accepted. But B’H i married an incredible man almost 5 months ago, he knew everything from the start and we have the most incredible relationship. Stay strong and remember, Hashem only gives to those who can handle it. We are special because we got a gift that is hard to unwrap, but with strength we manage to unwrap it and with the emotions and discomfort we can help others in ways BH some people can’t.

• to #21

  Are you out of your mind? I hope that you are not a teacher or mashpia, or have any contact with children, because you obviously would not protect them if they came to you for help. I have been abused by my “mashpia”. If I had come confidentially to you with my problem and you gave me that answer, I would probably have you arrested as an accessory. To protect our children is more important than anything and I am sure the Tanya says that too!!!!! How dare you give such a closed minded, ignorant and simply idiotic answer. Next time please THINK before you start quoting the Tanya, as your comment actually shows outrageous ignorance and not daas Chassidus(as I am sure that is your intention)!!!

  A protective frum mother who would do anything to protect my child!!!!!!!!

• to #21

  Are you out of your mind? I hope that you are not a teacher or mashpia, or have any contact with children, because you obviously would not protect them if they came to you for help. I have been abused by my “mashpia”. If I had come confidentially to you with my problem and you gave me that answer, I would probably have you arrested as an accessory. To protect our children is more important than anything and I am sure the Tanya says that too!!!!! How dare you give such a closed minded, ignorant and simply idiotic answer. Next time please THINK before you start quoting the Tanya, as your comment actually shows outrageous ignorance and not daas Chassidus(as I am sure that is your intention)!!!

  A protective frum mother who would do anything to protect my child!!!!!!!!

• Avrahom

  To Mendel
  I am told that on the third date you tell everything to date. Reason being that if no interest on first date there is no reason to say anything about past. I see no reason for you to go public with information. The site exposing abusers is doing a good job by itself. Like the Rebbe told a Jew who wanted to become frum after being a priest,forget completely about your past. I am certain you will do great things with your life and help a lot of people with your sensativity. Good Luck

• Avraham

  Mendel you are obviously a very strong and courageous person to have fought such terrible demons alone without even turning to your parents for help when you chose to go to therapy.

  But you have to understand that going public is not a private decision for you to make alone. It is a decision that should be made with the most important person in your life whom it will affect EQUALLY. That person is your future wife.

  My advice to you is do what is necessary to publicize your abuser and prevent him from perpetrating future crimes. But wait to consult your wife before going public with your name.

  That does not mean you should lie while dating. When you meet the girl you trust and things develop you will be able to gently explain to her what happened to you that and how that contributed to making you into the person you are today and she loves. But wait til after marriage to make the next decision together. After all, why place unnecessary complications and stress on a relationship that has not yet begun?

• Can I email you?

  wow! i really respect you for writing this and as an answer to your question, “ do you want me as your son-in-law? Has your answer changed since the last time I asked?” Well, I’m not a mother, but as a single girl, I am very interested in meeting you! I went through some many hard times myself and you sound like an amazing guy! Can you provide an email address as to where I can reach you? I would love to go out with you…
  Wishing you much luck in everything!

• Dallas Dude

  Dear Mendel,

  Wow – bravest letter I’ve read in a long time.

  Yes you should name him via the other site – it is a legitimate site – very trusted and would help you heal and soul – plus you will protect present and future youth! This is without a doubt!

  Re are you damaged good? In my mind absolutely NOT! You are sincere, honest and raw. How amazing how far you’ve come. You did work and took time and effort to heal – I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment. To any family that tells you otherwise for whatever reasons – stay away – you are too good for them!

  Here is a pat on the back!

  Your parents are your parents – see where the chips fall. If they don’t get it – its NOT your fault and its NOT there fault either. Its just is what it is – love them for who they are but know you have mastered what most can’t even fathom and you are many levels above so many around you. I am totally blown away and am very happy to read this letter.

  Good luck Mendel!

• Sara

  I don’t think you need to out yourself in order to out your abuser. You need to protect yourself and think of your future. There are plenty of girls (mainly, their parents who ok potential dates) who will say no to you solely based on this. Even those people that may agree with you and admire your courage/decision, simply, because people shy away from controversy.
  You can still out your abuser. I think CHwatch has done a great job. Most people feel that is a verified site. Those who don’t believe will never believe because they chose to remain in the dark.
  You can always out yourself once you’re married.
  G-Luck!

• A 23 year old single girl

  My story is similar to yours, I can relate to the pain you have felt and are feeling. I can honestly say my parents would be happy to have you as a son in law as would many other parents out there. It is not only courageous of you to come forward with this letter, but also brave and honorable.

  You are not alone as a survivor, you are not alone as a frum survivor (boy or girl ). You are an inspiration to other survivors out there to get help and to know that the abuse is not your shame.

  I too , am looking for a shidduch and wonder the same sometimes. As a single frum girl who has gone through system and left and come back after years of therapy ; can understand your questions.

  I can say , even if I wasn’t a survivor – it would be an honor to meet a man like you.

• Chosid

  Do it anonymously. When enough people do this, it will be clear that this is not a hoax. Hope for the best and plan for the worst. Unfortunately we must live in the world as it is, and not as it should be. This kind of thing can completely change the course of your life. Don’t make the decision lightly.

  And if you do go anonymously, you can always reveal your identity later. But certainly not the other way. You stand nothing to lose by doing it anonymously.

• a shliach

  Impressive and moving letter
  I believe the website u r referring too has gained the trust, that it will have in impact without ur name too.
  try it without ur name and see how it goes. u can allways put ur name on later
  Behatzlocha, g-d should bless u with strength, and a great shidduch!

• Diferent opinion

  Unlike the rest of the commenter’s i think it would be counter productive.
  As much as we try to think that we have developed and our comunity has become more open minded, the truth is the comunity is as judgmental as its always been.
  You can see it yourself, the shiduch process, the questions that are asked and the reasons people are rejected.

  That is in general and specialy in the chasidish/Russian circles, where everything is a competition of who is closer to the rebbe and who is better than the others.

  How do you think they will look at you? They will pick up your resume and say why should we have this for our daughter? There are plenty of guys out there that aren’t damaged (little do they know).

  Look around in crown heights etc. There is no shiduch crisis, there are hundreds of bochrim of age, why aren’t they getting maried? The answer is simple, the parents are too judgmental, he cant be a rosh yeshiva? No good. He watches movies? No good. He is not punctual to seder? No good. His brother is divorced? No good. HEY WHAT ABOUT THE GUY HIMSELF? what about his personality, his good temper and balance? Etc.
  My friend thats the way it is! Unfortunately.

  So if i were you i would think twice.

• es

  Trust me Mendel , if you disclose – then anyone that disqualifies you from their potential Shidduch list due to your experience is probably doing you a huge favor. You want someone that grew up in a home with adults who have maturity and comprehension about life not simple minded superficial judgement looking for a fairy tale prince for their little princess, despite how popular that may be. Don’t be discouraged by the prejudice that exists – for our community is just starting the long road to maturity on this and other matters. I would caution you one thing , your Rov , Mashpia and therapist may all be excellent but make sure this road leads you to a place where the only one that defines who you are is – yourself, G-D and his ONLY true representatives with bias (Our Rebbe and Rebbe’s). Leaving self definition to others , especially in the confused state most are , is a recipe for difficulty.

• Let-s End the Madness!!!

  Report him not yourself!!!! He’s the one that should be ashamed! The focus should be on protecting everyone from the perpertrator! You’re the victim! You’ve suffered enough already!!! Don’t put your name out there, nothing will be gained by it!

• yossi

  I suspect #21 is a pedophile

• Londoner

  Wow your letter really inspired me, as a single girl dating. I would want to date you, us girls marry guys for their personality and what you have been through only makes you a more stronger and sensitive person. May you find a wonderful, caring understanding wife to supports you and stands by you and stand up to those who try push you down, even if it is your own family.
  All the brochos.
  P.S.
  1. i think youll find that the girls are much more open to it rather than her parents
  2. I dont think she should know before she dates you but its something thqt needs to be brought up earlier on

• protectheinnocent

  Maybe the jewish way – obviosly that hasnt worked and really hasnt worked for many people in the past either im sad to say…. Please put the abusers name on the list, im asking as a concerned member of society, but theres absolutely no reason for u to threaten your reputation- especially in a community u fear may judge u unfairly.

• Yanky

  I was in a situation similar to yours, and to protect other people from what I went through, I did what I felt was right, even though I knew it might come back to bite me one day. I felt that by doing what I did and protecting the few other people I knew needed me to do this, somehow because of the goodness of what I was doing, I would also be protected. I felt and used the motto “I have to do what I have to do” I also believe that it will give you a certain closure as it did for me. I have also had my abuser come back into my life at random points and say some of the worst things that can come out of a persons mouth. Guess what? I put and end to it, and now I know it ended with other good, innocent people like me. I dont know you so I dont know if you want to hear this, but I going to say it anyway: I am a normal, productive, successful 25 year old man now, I am not overly religious, but I am just “normal”. I have gone through a lot of ups and downs with god because of what happened to me in my life, I dont have to tell you the roller coster guys like us go on. One thing though, I will tell you about myself today, Ive gotten very close to god, and I have come to realize at this point, that he has my back, that there are certain things I ask for and he straight up gives me and that there are certain things that are not in my control that I ask him to do for me. I am telling you this because I truly believe what I am about to say: If you do the right thing here, if you put yourself out there to help some guys that you dont even know, with disregard to yourself because what are you doing is right and good, God will have you back when you need it, and you will find the girl that is right for you. Good Luck

• commenter

  avi, he is asking a question. he wants to know. that is what his decision is based on.

  what an incredible bachur. I would think that I’d accept him for a shidduch. hard to say, since there is no way to know for other details.
  However, I feel that if he /you, Mendel comes forth with that information, it will have a more healing effect on all your therapy and will therefore give you a better foundation.
  I am sorry for your pain, and I wish you many brachos in your life, you deserve it.

  #21: Don’t you think that ultimate forgiveness is different than preventing this horrific crime, it should not ever happen to anyone else????????????????????

• Single Girl Reply

  Although I do believe that people’s trauma’s can severely damage the way they conduct themselves in relationships especially marriage, there is no better way to prevent the sour results than to deal with them head on.
  There are many different types of trauma’s and situations that form a person from early on. Although a person may not go through any ‘severe’ trauma’s they sometimes may have the similar results to those that have gone through severe trauma. There is no way to really measure because each person also has survival and theraputic mechanisms. Depending on how they deal with it, will bring different results. There are people that come from healthy back-rounds but are very unhealthy people. There are people that come from very unhealthy situations, like the one you described but have not only overcome their trauma’s but have actually dealt with it and transformed it into a positive experience (and I say that lightly, not in actuality). There will always be those scars but how one chooses to deal with those scars determine the person they are or will be.
  As a single girl, I would not jump to date someone that has gone through such a traumatic experience, but if I felt other aspects of a person was very ‘shayach’ for me, and sounded like the person I would be able to build a life with and marry, I would do the proper research (apparently after such a letter, much of those doubts go away) to ensure that the trauma will not bring a bad light into the marriage, I would go ahead with it. It is the end result that matters. We all have trauma’s that we know about or not. There are many people that are ‘trauma free’ but are completely dysfunctional people. I say that with full authority of dating those people.
  So my answer to you is, yes, you should come out, only as much as you need to, and whomever will not want you, is not meant for you. You don’t want someone that will look down upon you anyways. In that respect it may be much easier for you, because the people that are black and white about your situation will give you an easier but smaller and more concise direction of who to go out with. I would also say that being that you are still single, it is not a desirable situation that you have. So, although there will g-d willing be people that can look past it, you don’t want to flaunt it either. Also, when you are married, you will be more of a complete and secure person with the support of your wife and family, which will thereby make you more ready to take on such a public front to your past situation.
  All the best.

• chaim

  In agreement that there is no reason to publish your name. What happened to you is between you and those you choose to confide in, not those who will judge you without knowing anything about you.

  Good luck with everything and finding a suitable shidduch with whom you will spend the rest of your lie and happiness and serenity!!

• sara

  Its painful to see that some people are still so amazingly close minded.
  please don’t give lectures about nekama-its a miracle and quite a feat that the mendels out there are still frum.
  I’m sorry to say this so bluntly, but I truly hope you are never in the position to fully understand mendel . sometimes the judgemental can only understand a nisayon if hashem puts them thru it themselves. please change your embaressing atitiude- and fast!

• kol hakovod

  sorry for the pain, confusion, gehinom, you experienced…BH, you have found the strength to raise yourself up, to have perspective, to express and communicate…you are truly amazing..I don’t think you need to reveal your name publicly, there is no need for everyone to know what you went through.G-d willing, in the right time, you will marry a wonderful woman who will appreciate your courage, depth, honesty, sensitivity. I honor you. May Hashem bless you with only revealed good from now on!

• a broken hart

  im 35 years and counting living a life of misery and was alwaysed put down i wish i had the money to see a therapist put my past behind me. and with a family it makes it so much harder.thank hashem your are a strong person may hashem always bless you with the strenth to carry on.i belive coming out even with the pity that people will have you will still pay a price specialy in crown height.but if this —- guy is still out their doind his crap and hurting kids the ques. is what price are you willing to pay to shut him down.to save other children.ether way may hashem gide you in the right direction

• no one special

  #12 When did you decide on the name you use. If you had it before me then it’s yours, if not please change it.

• Mimina

  sweetie….just DO IT! Whoever will love you will love you and care for you no matter what! Don’t let this ruin your life ! The world is far much more bigger than Crown Heights and Chabad!

• Rivkah L.

  Kol Hakovod to you, Mendel. YOu will surely have much hatzlacha, and lead an incredibally normal life.

  Yes, you should absolutally, publicise the name of your abuser, for it is vital for the public to be aware!!! NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!!

• Take a step back.

  Mendel,

  You need to ask yourself honestly why you might put your name to the story.
  I commend you on the work you’ve done and on the resilience you’ve shown, you’re gonna come out of this ok at the end.
  However, it does seem that putting your name to it is merely a form of distraction by grandiose, meaning you will put yourself in the limelight so that you will feel again. this case and your experience are real. you don’t need to put yourself on the big stage to confirm that you’re legitimate and that this is real. putting him on this website will end his reign of terror without you screaming to the world for validation. Look inside you and see that this is ok, talk to your parents, you’re a very strong person, I don’t know you and it wouldn’t be healthy if i have this type of intimate knowledge about your personal life in this type of painful way.
  Relax, you’re doing ok, just keep focused on helping yourSELF so that you can have the wonderful life you will have gd willing.

  Chazak ve’ematz Mendel!

• Sara H.

  No need to publicise who you are, but there is a definate need to publicise your abuser, ASAP!! for ithers should not go through what you went through.

• Pops

  Mendel,
  My daughter is not quite shidduch age yet. But if she were, I would not hesitate to consider you. You have had counseling and dealt with and or are dealing with your issues. You have put the cards on the table. I would definitely prefer you over someone who may still have skeletons in thecp closet. I wish you hatzlacha. and I hope that you will out the person to save others from suffering.

• Seth

  You must tell or he will continue to abuse others. It is your public and communal duty. You are a brave and wonderful person who did not deserve those dreadful things to happen to you. I wish you all the best in your life.

• DONT PUBLISH YOUR NAME (no need)

  We believe you!It’s articles like this that are understandably anonymous. People will always remember you for this, and will always bring this up to you, the best thing to do is out your abuser and move on with your life.

  Hatzlocho

• ???

  what is the guys name the one who abused u?

• Out of state lawyer

  Mendel,

  First off, I want to commend you on your incredible courage, your sensitivity, and even your subtle wit you’ve shown us all with you powerful letter.

  Second, I don’t think you need to put your name out there; people will still believe the letter is true.

  Third, in New York, the statute of limitations for any kind of sexual assault (1st or 2nd degree) or molestation is five years. HOWEVER, for sexual crimes involving children, New York uses the same “tolling” system for criminal cases as it does for civil suits, meaning, that the 5 year statute of limitations does not begin to run until the victim reaches the age of 18.

  Additionally, Sexual abuse is one of the crimes that benefits the most from statutes of limitations, as often victims are too ashamed or frightened to testify before it is too late.

  Contact a lawyer ASAP and make sure you get this monster who hurt you before he can destroy the lives of other children who are not as strong as you.

• no one special

  I am not the same person as #12 & it is improbable that he/she & I would share similar views.
  REPORT! REPORT! REPORT! Abusers of all flavors hide behind their beards or sheitels and continue to cause pain throughout their lives. People in power are protected by the organizations that hire them. Not only should the criminals be locked away, so too, those who aide & abet them.
  By not reporting, the abused victim is aiding & abetting the abuser.
  This is not an emotional outburst; I have worked in the system
  and used to live in a community who had more concern for pain to an animal than to a human.

• Rooting for you.

  Dear Mendel,
  I can only restate what others have already said, you are a great hero if you come forward and get rid of this man.
  As to the question of whether this will affect your prospects, surely it will not affect the relationship between you and your bashert. If somebody turns you down because of this information, it should be patently clear that the person was not your bashert. But let’s put the question back to you. Will you date someone who has been abused? There are way more abused girls than boys out there.
  I hope and pray that you come forward, and that you find your bashert quickly.

• Max

  Mendel,
  we all as Yidden feel the pain of each other.
  We all as Yidden know when something is really wrong with one of us out there in galus.
  thank you for coming forward, The fact that you came forward is a major cornerstone in your life, to come out and speak to ALL of Yidden. Just like the cornerstone on 770. With this you can start building the new Chelek of your life.
  I don’t know what you have gone through. You clearly sound like a very special Neshama.
  My 10 cents, don’t share that part of your past with your future Zivug. You should be proud of overcoming a major hurdle in your life, as such you have gathered more strength than any of us. There is something with starting a life long relationship with “I am victim” approach, it will put you in a weak position, you don’t want your wife to pity you, but to love you over the long term.
  I am not saying forget the pain of your past. Maybe continue getting better learning how to cope with it. Just don’t let it be seen on this new Chelek of your life.
  May you have a continuous Hatzlachah, Shalom and Simcha, and may through you and your Zivug many more beautiful Neshomos are brought on this world.
  With kind and warm regards.

• Another Perspective

  If you’re making your decision based on what a majority of comments say then you’ll probably publicize his identity (and destroy his family, as well).

  I just want you to know that there is a silent majority that would privately tell you NOT to go public. You can protect people without destroying families communities, etc.

  If you really want to know the right thing to do contact real Rabbis. It’s not always beneficial to join the abuse crusade.

• Anonymous friend

  WOW first and foremost i commend ur courage for writing this letter and wanting to hear other ppl’s opinions. i think you should undoubtedly go to the police and file a report,whether the statute of limitations are up or not i think its important that this sick man be on the police’s radar in some form or another. i also think that in deciding to go public with your name is a call you would have to make by yourself, you seem to be a mature and intelligent guy capable of making that call. This sick mans name should be plastered on every street corner in his neighborhood!

  The shidduch world is far from perfect, parents fuss so much about small things that they lose sight of the fact that the guy is a stand up, mature and frum boy that will treat their daughter with respect. What more could a parent want for their daughter?
  Although the stigma of being ‘damaged goods’ is slowly dying out, for the entire world to know something so personal is unnecessary in my opinion. when you find a girl that you like and that you can trust both with the information and that she will accept you for the person you are, that is someone worthy of spending the rest of your life with you.
  Good luck! Respect!

• an experienced grandma

  DO it ANONONYMUSLY!!!!!DONT PUBLISH YOUR NAME.

  You will tell the girl when you go out and are ready and you WILL get a good Shidduch. You will see!

• TO #43

  I couldn’t agree with you more.
  We need to remember that pedophiles are seemingly regular members of our community and thus read these websites.
  They too will give advice in comments as a continuation of their predatory lifestyle.
  They will particularly use Torah as their base for the manipulation, its just too easy
  Beware!

• Shaya

  This is not even something to ponder about! Why are you holding info! That is sooo important to share! Your hurting other children while holding back the info! My brother was abused and i cannot report for him! Though if i were him i would in a second!

• Strong

  The main thing is that you should know of no more pain, and hopefully bring a stronger connection to your parents, and your soon to be wife. Your parents should have much nachas and stand beside you, you should find your zivvug soon and have only happiness.
  There is no reason at this point to let your name be known, although you have an achrayus to oust the name of the abuser. If and when the time comes where you need to identify yourself before authorities, I am sure that you will find the right forum to further protect yourself, your family, your sensitivity and dignity. Hopefully you may even be engaged by then and will have one less worry. Hopefully your parents will stand behind you and give their full support. May you have the courage and seyata dishmaya in your final decision.
  A lesson to parents as well, when your child misbehaves, it is a tearless cry. Listen to that cry…

• ME

  MOSHIACH NOW!!
  JUST DAVEN DAVEN AND DAVEN SOME MORE
  G-D HEARS UR PRAYERS AND WIILLL
  HELP U OUT!!

• wishing you all the best

  there is no question that you have a responsibility to publicized this man’s name in order for him not to hurt other boys.

  as far as marrying, you pose a very good and legitimate question. Would I? if I had daughters? If you really have overcome you issues in a way that you could have a solid family life than the answer is yes. because that would be my only concern.

  the fact that you yourself overcame and without help set out to cure yourself makes you a person of deep character. that makes you more appealing that your “name”, which the bottom line means nothing.

  I was brought up to believe character, integrity , honesty were what makes a person. not a name & not money.

  I wish you Mazel and Happiness.

• PUBLISIZE HIS NAME ASAP!!!

  you should DEFINITELY report the guys name

  MAKE PEOPLE AWARE!!! HE IS A DANGER TO FUTURE “MENDLES”

  you should not necessarily put your name, just let people know

  crown heights and ppl in general DO judge, if you feel you have found the right girl, tell her, she has that right to know what she is getting into, that said, there are girls out there open to marrying a person with your strengh and character

  BUT PUBLISHIZE THE MONSTERS NAME!!!!
  ASAP

• Confused

  1) “He is still a danger to society”.
  2) The victim should not need to suffer anymore than he already did.
  So why not publish his name ANONYMOUSLY? (and forget about the “shadow of doubt”)

• @ # 43

  i suspect you are correct.

• its about time

  You don’t have to publicize yourself…publicize the demon!

• Fellow, Friend.....

  Dear Mendel,
  I read your letter and I’m crying, I know how you feel and I have an idea what you went through.
  it took over a year of extensive therapy for me to be able to get myself together.
  let it be known that if your parents would have known what you went through while you were going through it your life and stability would look very different than it is now.
  They might have not understand all the steps you took in your youth but they would have defiantly support you against the world.
  I’m married now and have children of my own and until recently have not talked about my experience, not even to my wife. not because I was afraid that she would not marry me but because I myself was not able to deal with it, not personally let alone publicly.
  the feeling that even in a room if filled with people you are alone and there is something that you have to carry and no one can help you with that.
  well I have news for you, you are not alone, you have people that will support you and walk through heaven and hell to hold your hand and protect you.
  It is liberating to talk about it and share with the people that are close to you and that would be able to support and remind you that you are not alone in the world.
  Dear Mendel,
  it is nobody’s business who you are and what your real identity is, IT IS NO ONES BUSINESS!!!
  you deserve your privet life, you deserve your own happiness and the fact that some one will believe you or not has nothing to do with you.
  I commend you for the strength you gathered to write this letter and even more so that you are prepared to face your abuser and call him in his name for the world to see, you are a better man than me, even though I KNOW that the person that hurt me still hurts others I’m not strong enough to call him out.
  last but not least, the girl that will love you, will love you if you were abused or not you can ask my wife about that…..
  I respect the fact that you took your life in your hands and went to get therapy and if you are half the man I think you are if I had a daughter your age I would give you guys my blessing, if there is a father out there that does not agree I pity him!
  Good luck and GOD speed.

• lyr

  wait until after your married. Tell your wife while your dating, but noone else needs to know until later.

• Im also Mendel.

  Mendel. Dont.

  Im also Mendel. I was also abused. Im also from a well known family. I was also a difficult teen, probably because of that abuse and I also wanted to speak out but I didnt.

  So I think I understand you. In fact I know I do.

  I now BH have a wonderful family and loving wife who I share everything with except this dark, dark, period of my life. That part is more than 20 years in the past and because I was able to let it go I was able to get on with my life. Yes, I see my abuser in Shul and I know that he suffers every time he sees me. Your ‘future shver’ probably will not understand you and its none of his business. Neither is it anyone elses business to know what happend to you in particualr.

  The only thing I have left to deal with on this, the only negative affect that remains is a massive one and I hope to deal with it one day and that is that I have not told my wife about this. It is the only thing in my entire life that I have not shared with my very best friend, my wife. I am pleased that I havent put her through the trauma of knowing what I went through and that is after quite some time. I have a good marriage and am open with my wife in every respect apart from this. Tell your wife one day, but not your ‘future shver’ and certainly not everyone else.

  Time heals.
  Mendel.

• Some thoughts...

  I’d recommend you contact those who’ve already done it, and ask them if they have any regrets. Take on consultation with those who’ve been in your situation. That – I believe – would be the best route to take. And hatzlocha!

  P.S: I don’t recommend you meet any girls on the basis that you’ve both gone through sexual abuse. There are girls who are messaging you here on this site, and it does seem odd to me that the common denominator between yourself and a girl should be something sexual related. In addition, this isn’t something that should be discussed much during dating. It’s important that you address the issue and how it was dealt with, but having a therapy session with a girl in her 20’s about sexual issues can’t be considered very safe. Even engaged couples aren’t to make any discussion about anything they’re learning in their chosson/kallah classes, as this is a subject which requires great reserve. Address this with a competent mashpia and approach the subject with care. If this is something that needs to be discussed, the question only, is “how?”.

• Miriam M

  1. I think #21 is an abuser bec only someone who dose abuse can have an answer like that. 2. I don’t think you should say your name, but you should say the name of your abuser, you will be helping other children from being in the same situation as you were. Keep strong. I also think any girl would be luck to have you! All the best¡!!!!!!!!

• I agree

  I agree with #40

  Everyone now says they wouldn’t find a problem with it, but when the time comes to choose between someone who has been abused and someone who hasn’t, who do you think they’ll choose??

• 12 step program

  mendel, if you did the program – then you should have learned the saying “LET GO AND LET G-D”. harbei shluchim lamakom. just ask Hashem to show you the right way. If you truly humble yourself and open your heart – Hashem will give you the answer.

  good luck.

  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
  Courage to change the things I can,
  And wisdom to know the difference.

• ch bt

  Please do not plublicise your name as no good cam come of it. However you should let everyone know the name of your abuser. Why did the site take off a name that was on there before? Was it a mistake??? And if yes, how horrible to do this to a person. There is a rumor out there that someone’s name was not posted because he paid a large sum of money.
  I am a BT so I do not know the halacha.

• Single and Waiting Too

  Mendel,
  Remember that the aibishter never remains with a debt. You will find love and be happy. As for outing your abuser, just remember that we live in a tight knit community and you will always have a stigma attached to you. Always. Your wife, your children, and you. Unfortunately there are things that we cannot control and living here, we pay a price for everything. The pros outweigh the cons, but, there are cons nonetheless.
  Chazak and be strong. Remember three things:
  1. The online commentators are your friends and your enemies.
  2. More then anything, you need guidance and direction from Hashem. Now, more then ever.
  3. Only our minds can set us free.

• Respect

  wow! my hat goes off for you bro

• Mendy Hecht

  If your story is true, Mendel, I’m mot sure what the problem is here.

  What you’re asking is basically like asking, “When I was a bochur I was crossing a green light and I got hit by a drunk bus driver. Do you want me as your son-in-law?”

  What does one have to do with the other?

• dont do it!!!

  you are asking a whole bunch of yentes! who read crown heights blogs! duh they want your name!

• girl in the shidduch parsha

  I would like to go out with you.

• Another young father in CH

  so many comments – can’t keep track – this is amazing letter – anyone that is AGAINST the boy stating who and what or moving on with sincerity is either
  1. a pedophile
  2. harboring a pedohile child or fsmily member.
  or
  3. in dire need of some petch otherwise!

  It is glaringly obvious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Mendel keep it up.

  #28 I wish u were my parent years ago – I got lots from that comment.

  the other mendel I feel sorry for you – but strangely enuff I bet you are NOT just another Mendel but an abuser yourself! Shame on you.

• Dear Mendel

  As a mother I want to say this. If you were my son I’d move heaven & earth to get this scum off the streets. I’d go to his employer, to the Beis Din (ha hah but I’d try!) to every Shul & mosod in Lubavitch starting with Crown Heights to destroy this monster.

  HOWEVER I don’t think you should go public. It won’t help you at all. I hate to say it but I think your hands are tied. The only thing you can do is go to the police & ask them to see what they can do, because even though the time has passed for you to press charges you can be sure this filth is still abusing children.

  This is a true story, a Rosh Yeshiva contacted me and asked me to mix in where one of his students was being abused by a family member. I was so horrified and i didn’t know what to do so I asked my Rav. He told me NOT to report it, the abuser was in a program and was far away from the children in the family. the Rav said it would affect all the siblings and Shidduchim. I still don’t know if the Rav was right but I asked so I had to follow his psak even though I still think I should have done something.

  After reading this I understand why he paskened like he did. Mendel you’re in my prayers. You sound an amazing young man but giving your name WILL destroy you. Keep quiet for your own sake but do what you can without giving yourself away. I wish you much peace and happiness in the future.

• abused

  after reading this article and the first 30 comments, i will only say this
  Mendel, god bless you and what ever you choose may he he grant you the courage to do so.
  I myself was abused as a child by some one who recently moved back to ch. Personally,i wish i could come forward with his name but i am to afraid of what people will say about me. i respect you courage to go this far and hope what ever you chose will bring you peace

• is this site reliable and honest?

  I heard the same thing as #85 about the money. It could be a rumor but I dont know.

• Shadchen

  Regardless what people say, don’t publicize your name at least until you are married. Why shlep your future family through this? Right or wrong, most people will be deterred from entertaining you as a legitimate suggestion for their daughter. There must be other channels to expose your abuser and if need be to testify and be witness to his acts of abuse. Once you are married, together with your wife you can decide the best course of action. Do not act upon revenge. Use your seichel as to the ramifications of revealing your name to the public. But absolutely, do your utmost to ensure your abuser doesn’t abuse others.

• Shocked

  Number 21!!!!
  You shocked us all out here!!
  HOW DARE YOU write what you did!!!!
  I think whatever the others have written about is real and true. . . proof being that you are the ONLY ONE who reacted the way you did to this whole tragic story!!!!!!!!
  And to mendel, I say this . . DON”T reveal your name, it’ll make life that much harder for you, but DO DO DO publicly reveal the name of that animal who messed up your life, big time, the life of so many others too, and still may be doing his filth today right now!!!!!! Do it for the sake of all those others, who went thru it all, are presently going thru it all, and may c”v go thru it in the future!!!
  Guys like him should be locked up with the keys thrown away forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Yosef

  Dont give away YOUR name, Mendel
  Just Scream out HIS name, and let hin get what he justly desreves

• tzippy

  yes

• To # 85 & 94

  To # 85 & 94 in your statement that CHW did not post someone for money… I know some of the CHW team and gave them money recently to help fund what they are doing. I don’t think they would have asked for funds if they had any. Additionally they have a reputation to uphold (with the younger crowd) and if they don’t “out” the scum the word would get out that they are unreliable.

• TO 85 AND 94

  That is a great rumor…. and your a idiot if you really believe they would take money not to post a name… i guess over the next few weeks we will see what happens i hear a lot of names have just been verified and are going up ;)

• Thanks!

  You can do it without publicizing your name.

  Thanks, and hatzlocha.

• G Rachel

  Jewish Way is incorrect.

  Not because you should never forgive… forgiveness is a very personal process which, in the end, after a long period of work and introspection, once you have a very firm grasp on self-love and can let go of damage done, MAY be a very good thing.

  However, it is not true that it is a sin of vengeance to publicize your abuser’s name. It is rather closer to pikuach nefesh. Unfortunately, we have learned that we cannot always rely on rabbis to protect us… indeed, often it is rabbis who have too much power who provide shelter for, or become abusers themselves.

  Nor can we rely on God to prevent further damage, if we do not do God’s work of protecting each other. God works through us as much or if not moreso than by any sort of deus ex machina intervention.

  Mendel, if you were abused, and if this person still poses a threat to anyone, you are doing God’s work by outing them.

  As for the shidduch situation… not being in your community, I’m unable to provide an answer that will reflect the reality of your life. I can say only that were I in your potential dating pool, I would value your courage, and this would not prevent me from wanting to know you better. I can only hope that the young women and their families in your community can see as well as I the character it takes to stand up for what is right in the face of a community whose standards are too often about appearances rather than on true mentchlichkeit and Yiddishkeit.

• J. M

  Go for it!!
  It’s the best thing to do. And yes, you will find a good girl !!

• CH-er

  Publicize the abuser’s name but do not publicize yours. You definitely deserve to marry into a family that will honor who you are, your honesty, respect the wonderful person you are and the long journey you have been on. However, in real life, unfortunately, people often don’t see past a first impression. I would not want you to miss out on the right opportunity because a family decides not to even consider “damaged goods”. Meet the right girl, then once you have a relationship, and she values you, tell her. I think it would be better received/accepted then.

  Do not compromise yourself for the sake of encouraging others to take your story seriously. It’s their loss if they don’t want to hear what you have to say.

• Tells It The Way It IS

  #66
  – If you really want to know the right thing to do contact real Rabbis. It’s not always beneficial to join the abuse crusade. –

  Reaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!

  I don’t know what community you come from but in North America, ASIA, Europe and the Cayman Islands – Rabbis care more about protecting those that give them $$$$$ and honor then ensuring the safety of our children.
  Make no mistake about it.
  Those that prey on children MUST BE EXPOSED. AND IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.
  Yes – it must be from a reliable source.
  Yes – it must be confirmed beyond any doubt.
  But if he is still a potential threat – HE MUST BE EXPOSED –
  NEVER MIND HIS PARNASSAH.
  NEVER MIND THE IMPACT ON HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN.
  NEVER MIND IF HE’S THE ROV OR ROSH YESHIVA HIMSELF.
  The safety of our children comes first.

• A Chassidishe Girl

  I’m so sorry for what happened to you and admire your courage. I myself am looking for a shlichus bochur, a chassidishe boy. I can’t speak for all the other girls out there, but what happened to you physically shouldn’t put off or disgust a girl as it’s very different from what you’ll do together (if you can see what I mean, very unlike a girl who was raped). I thus don’t see the “damaged goods” analogy as applicable to a boy. I would be more interested in three things: 1) Why you “fried out” for a bit (I assume the abuse had a lot to do with it) and how frum you are now and plan to be later (your Yiras Shomayim and stability), 2) how far you went when you “fried out” (i.e. drugs, girls), and 3) why you let the abuse go on for a few years and if you have/had any homosexual tendencies.
  Besides this, don’t worry about what happened. You are 100% tahor in every way. Zei gebensht & may you be vindicated and bring justice and closure soon, as well as find your bashert bekorov!

• What is best for you

  Mendel,

  The sad truth, if you publicize your name it will be harder for you to find a shidduch. Just remember by stating who you are, the molester will find impossible to deny it was him and none of his family members/friends will be able to hide the truth.

• Who is not a mashpia on these blogs?

  This brave young fellows dilemma is not what to do. He seems to know very well what to do and has sought PROFESSIONAL guidance on this subject. His point to his community and his parents is that they are products of their own narrow minded ghetto and worry more as es vet schaten tzum shidduch!

  When we are faced with real issues in life, such as the ones posed by the author of this op ed, our closest family, friends and community only think of “what will everyone else say?”

  I believe that this, my friends, is the point of the author. Your opinion is not about what he should do, rather it is about what you will do.

  For all those offering him to fall on his own sword so that your kids could be safe please take a moment to teach your own children the importance of standing up for what is right in despite the inevitable shushking of the neighbors.

  Another critical lesson from this letter is in the post script. We must make every effort to build and maintain a trusting relationship with our children where they are always able to confide in their parents without fear of retribution or lack of understanding.

  Adank Reb “Mendel” for teaching us these important life lessons.

• Report and move on

  I hope everyone who was abused, not just you, reports to the police and publicizes through chwatch as soon as possible so there will not be one molester left to hurt innocent children. When you do what’s right, Hashem will pay you back tremendously. No good deed goes unrewarded. Like so many others said, why publicize your name, it’s not neccessary. I think you deserve and will end up with the best wife BE”H.
  I think most of us can easily guess who the negative comments are coming from. Ignore them.

• eradicate the abusers

  YES!identify the abuser
  Do not publicize your name!

• ch mom

  may you have only revealed brochas! if i were you, i would not go public. i think that you should contact crownheightswatch and try to work with them, without revealing your identity to the community. as far as shidduchim, go according to your rav and mashpia.

• FEITEL

  I HAVE A DATE FOR YOU N/P!!!

• my 2 cents

  I truly wonder if this is a bochur writing or just a great article that represent many, unfortunately, in the community. It is hard to believe the courage of a bochur that knew there to go and went to therapy and all without his parents knowing. Kol Hakovod if is true, i think to remain anonymous and everything will be great, iy’h.

  This article is trying to prove that no matter what the bochur did to heal, bottom line if he writes his name many people will think twice before letting their daughter out with him because abused children or teens can have issues. chas v’sholom not blaming the victim and i wish it weren’t like that but the fact remains a fact. The abuser is guilty for destroying lives even when they went through therapy.

• ROVIN

  I WANT TO HEAR MORE P”ROTIM

• action.

  go to the police and charge the man. take him away from society stop him from hurting others. you go about your life, your getting stronger each day, and move on. let him get what he deserves.good luck to you in the shidduch world.

• Don-t say ur name

  Publicize the abuser ASAP !!! Do not publicize ur name- its nothing personal, but automatically people will want to stay away, once you date a girl and she knows you, you can tell her. Her parents and the rest of the world do not need to know!!! Only you and her!!

• children too young for shidduch

  Mendel, do not say your name. There are plenty of people who will think, not that you are damaged goods, but that you have a lot of baggage. Married life in the beginning is very hard, you dont need people to think that you have a lot of baggage and let us look elsewhere. Mendel, the abuser should be announced only if he is still doing it. If he has stopped and is not hurting anyone else there is no point in hurting his family.
  Also why was a name put on the web site and removed a few days later? MIstake? HOw horrible for the person!!!!!!!!!!!!

• No reason to publicize your name

  You can still disclose the name of the abuser without having to publicize your name. Annonimity is key. You suffered enough. Stay strong my friend.

• Yes

  If I had a daughter, then yes.

• sara

  Mendel,
  if you are looking for more support, there is a website called frumsupport.com that might be helpful to you(and to others as well.)

• Anonymous

  I agree with #84 100% – Let go and Let God.
  I too am single, I’ve been abused, I’ve gone through hell and back – I too am going through therapy and a 12 step program. my sponsor advised me to wait at least one year of sobriety before I start dating – and I agree with him – BUT – I am petrified… who will want me? who will want my past? I am working so hard on changing the person I became due to my unfortunate events. BUT – my program taught me one thing – there is a Higher Power who is in control – not me! My Higher Power has the answer for me. My shiduch will come – one way or another – she will accept me – But I must remember to trust God that He will do it in HIS time when HE thinks it is best for me.

  As for the issue of publicizing names – I am positive that you can publicize the jerk’s name – but do it out of concern and not out of rage or resentment – therefore don’t put your name out there – forget about what people think or what people believe – do it for you and for the people that you might save. the rest leave it up to God to do his part.

  Last thing – pray – speak to God as your friend – ask him – for love, compassion, understanding, a good shiduch and a speedy recovery for you and for your offender – then move out of the way and let God do His part. A great example I heard – A child is begging his father to buy him this toy in the toy store. the kid is showing his dad which toy he wants – the dad agrees to buy the toy – but then tells the child to move out of the way – this way the father can go over to the shelf and pull the toy off. Now if the child is stubborn and refuses to move out of the way – either he will get hurt (by the bump that might be caused from the toy coming over his head) or the father will simply not be able to get to the shelf at all. But if the child calms down for one second – moves out of the way, shows a little patience – he will surely get his toy.
  So to is our connection with God – we can ask – God wants to give it to us – but we must let Him do His part – we have to be patient.

  Best regards and I hope I will be able to dance by your wedding and you will dance in mine – Both of us married to the greatest women that we deserve. I love you dear brother.

• local lubavitcher

  As someone who is currently looking for a Shidduch for his daughter I would strongly suggest that you NOT give your name as some other people have already said in their comments. It will definitely limit your options of who you get to go out with no matter what any “single girl” comments here. Their parents will forbid them to go out with you. As you can see on this website most people who “outed” the abusers are not named. It will not take away from the “authenticity” of your story. The Aibershter will reward you with a great girl for all the “avoida” you did with yourself!

• a mother

  dear sweet mendel: i am a mother. i am in awe of your courage, and your willingness to heal. listen to me, sweet child. you will find your “mushkie.” you will find your zivug emes, the wife who deserves you. when you are dating and you tell her your story, she will respond with compassion. and that is one of the MANY reasons that you will know that she is “the one.” while i do encourage honesty with your kallah, your rabbi, your therapist, and your parents, that’s as far as it should go (unless, of course, you elect to tell a “yedid nefesh,” etc). it is my humble opinion that you should NOT publicize your name, because it’s nobody else’s business. people will see you and the first thing they’ll think is, “oh, there’s mendel, who was nebech abused…” this will forever be attached to your name (in the same sense, l’havdil, we will forever think of the people on CH watch as molesters. their names will always be attached to their deeds. just as your name would become attached to your tragedy). so that’s my opinion, mendel, as a mother who would be HONORED to have you as a son-in-law. you are a survivor, a fighter, and a winner. keep on growing and healing, and keep on accepting the hashgocho protis. moshiach should come immediately so you clearly see G-d’s love in your story.

• Please don-t publicize your name

  You have nothing to be ashamed of. But, many girls who admire your strength in dealing with this challenge andwould want to date you, may decline because they are not ready to be in the public eye in this way. I’m sure they would be supportive and extremely caring in private.

  Publicizing your name will make it much much harder to meet a good girl. Please don’t do it.

  Maybe you can go public after you’re married, if your wife is comfortable with the idea. But, by all means publicize the abusers name, to protect out children!!! Thank you.

• We are with you

  Name him sooner rather than later. The choice to name yourself is a difficult one. Be guided by your own heart.

• U deserve 1million shidduchim offers

  Once his name is out, other abused people will feel empowered to come forth, maybe some within the statute of limitations. It took one person to come forth in the Sandusky case, and now about 10 people have surfaced. You’re doing this to help others,and as the Londoner said, Hashem has your back.Mendel, you restored my faith in people. I’d welcome you into my family in a heartbeat! You’re doing this because you feel that the molester is still doing this, and you’re probably right.Be sure that you stay in or re-enter therapy, because you will need extra support to deal with the pressure of notoriety, and maybe the bastard trying to contact you. Have you thought of getting trained in some field of therapy so you could be really effective in helping others?
  You might be interested in looking up a facebook page and a blog “emerging from broken” by Darlene OUimet. It deals with establishing and maintaining control of your own life and getting the abuser out of your emotional life. She managed it and now writes this to give other people a chance.

• U deserve 1 million shidduchim offers

  ..and don’t forget your other rough spots as a kid. When your kids become teens, they’ll have someone that understands and can guide them (but it still won’t be easy!)

• Do NOT Reveal

  Congrats Mendel.
  Do NOT reveal your name! Never! Besides obvious reasons, Imagine YOUR child reading about it 10 years from now!
  Or chas ve’sholom any little argument with your wife will make her think “aha” THAT’s because of the abuse!

  There is a sefer out there (forgot it;s name) by a prominent rosh yeshiva in Israel, where he illustraits that HIDING *some* things from your spouse is *not* a breach of trust, aderabeh. (for example, If he should be ‘honest’ and ‘admit’ that today I saw this gorgeous woman that…. and I am sorry for looking at her during the entire lunch! I wish you had the same lipstick…and..but I am sorry.)

  So, don’t ever mention it. B”H it’s behind you and try to live as if it never happened.

  Maybe you can have a trusted third party, a known Rav, reveal his identity. People who believe that Rav will accept that he knows someone who came forward.

  As far as THAT guy’s family & generations, I don’t know. Ask a rav.

• is it necessary to publicize your name?

  I think putting out your abusers name is enough. its personal, why publicize it? in fact, according to manis friedman, and as you yourself testify, you can lead a perfectly productive, normal life although someone hurt you. not every joe on the street needs to know your private life- and kol hakovod that you put out your abusers name-thats whats important to publicize. so go for it!

• reality

  the world does not need to know who you are.post anonymously.people are careful about these things and want to protect their children,especially after this publicity.Reality is taht we are in golus and as much as ppl say they would thin you are great,when it comes down to it,I’m not sure…You could write that you are the anonymous one from ch.info.when you date and feel ready to tell someone,you will and that is who needs to know not the entire gossip world.It will not do you any good to publicize your name

• website

  mendel,
  there is a website you
  or others may find helpful:frumsupport.com

• A Fellow Yid

  Dear Mendel,
  My heart goes out to you for all you have endured. You are incredibly strong and courageous for coming forward in this way. My advice to you as a teacher for many years, and a mother in this community, is that people will judge you incorrectly. They will whisper and snicker about you. Therefore, I don’t think you should publicize your name. Definitely go to CrownHeightsWatch with your story, to protect others from similar abuse. I totally agree that IY”H when you meet a woman you feel comfortable and safe with, that you tell her your story. This is because I believe if you are to marry her, then she deserves to know. But also, if you don’t tell her, it would be a secret that came between you, not allowing you to fully connect on the deepest level. I wouldn’t even recommend that her parents know, because they may look at you differently. People tend to re-victimise victims…
  I wish you the best of luck, and may Hashem bring you the ultimate healing from your pain, and replace it with love, acceptance and joy,
  Warmly,
  A Fellow Yid

• In a place of no Men be a Man

  The more people who are open about having been sexually molested the less of a stigma there will be and will only encourage, give strength, and make it easier for others to come forth. Naming an abuser anonymously is one thing. Standing behind it is another. If you have the ability, guts, to attach your name to such information, it will not only help with this one specific abuser, but it will possibly help another, maybe several other people who’ve been abused come forth too, and have far more impact. On the other hand, there’s no need to be a martyr. If you aren’t okay with revealing your name, than don’t. (Who says the person you name won’t do that for you?) As far as a Shidduch, you only need one wife. You don’t need every Crown Heights family to accept you. Some people will turn their noses. The problem is theirs. Some Crown Heights people turn their noses at a lot of things. Many won’t. To more than you think you’ll be a hero. Finally, a few people who suffered abuse have publicized their names. Maybe you can speak to them and see if they wish they had done what they did anonymously, or did it turn out better for their emotional healing to reveal their names.

• A father

  I would let you marry my daughter.

• people always blame someone else for the

  people always blame someone else for their failure for example blacks always blame their failurs on the fact that yhey were slaves 100 years ago

• caring mother

  i believe you should make ur abusers name public but not urs. u should only give ur name to the authority when making ur report. u should not be hurt any further!!!!

• Me Too

  It happened to me too. Do what I wish I had the courage to do. You are an inspiration thank you.

• In tears

  Mendel, you left me in tears.You should continue to remain strong. More people should speak up. Very soon we will be dancing at your wedding.

• .......................

  PLEASE!!! there is absolutely no need for you to give out your name.I’m not going to elaborate on all the reasons right now,but since you write that based on the comments you will make a decision. I am pleading with you, you don’t have to say your name right now. Second of all: It would be respectful on your part, that if anyone will be told, it should be your parents first. On the other hand, why put them thru so much AGMAS NEFESH, if you are B”H in the healing process. So actually your parents don’t have to know either. But one thing for sure, your parents to find out together with the general public,ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Hatzlacha Rabba bechol maasei yadecha!!! Hashem should enlighten you to do the right thing.

• Tom Pascal

  Some of the previous are disgusting. That this even needs to be a dilemma is ridiculous and shows just how far we have to go in growing as a people. Being forced to choose between owning and validating his pain and getting some closure some closure ( not to mention helping others avoid the same fate) and being a social pariah for the rest of his life is a sad product of an abhorrently destructive set of social expectations that for some odd reason are perpetually enabled even when everything coming out of Jewish media points to a desperate need for change. Ugh. How a community can turn courage and strength into ugly blemishes rather than beautiful badges of honor is beyond me.

• yikes

  dont say your name, but say the individuals name

• me!

  ”veyahavta leraiacha komocha” it wasn’t for nothing that rabbi akiva said this is the basis of the torah, right? just imagine you were in his place? (chas vesholom) i think that you shouldn’t put your name or his on some website rather you should report him to the officials obviously he needs HELP (and hopefully it will help him) not to be put on some website to be black listed think of what it will do to him and his familly, will it help him stop? no!
  always remeber while judgeing someone what would you do/want if you were in his place!? (and through this we will make the world a better place and we will bring moshiach!)

• A. Nuran

  Let’s call these people what they are, rapists.

  Rapists, especially people who rape little children, are repeat offenders. None has worse recidivism. None is as driven to offend again and again. If they are not stopped and jailed they will continue to destroy lives.

  Going to the Bes Din doesn’t work. We know that. They may know Torah, but they don’t know how to collect evidence, preserve evidence, avoid tampering with witnesses or anything else of the sort. They are not skilled in investigating crimes. That’s why we have Courts in this country. And when it comes to child rape investigations they do a fine job. Go to the police. They are the ones with the expertise and the power.

  The Jewish tradition of protecting rapists, hiding crimes, punishing victims and destroying the families who support the victims must end.

• put off by that site

  I feel before outing a person you have to analyze what type of person the man in question is. If he’s a monster, out him. If he is a decent man (in all other areas) with a serious issue in this regard, see if there are other channels to work out the problem. Confront him in private, not online. I think the public has gotten way to excited over dancing over abusers misfortune. Often they are very nice people with a profound mental underlying issue. To skip the step of trying to reconcile the problem in a relatively discreet manner, is in my opinion even evil. Nowhere in the torah does it say that these people are chayev missah or that they aren’t jewish. They ought to have a fair chance at resolving the issues before naming and shaming. The website that exposes should be the last reosort, if he has zero interest in changing. There is a fellow listed on that website as if he is a monster and I know him as a highly decent man. Sadly he may have deviated in his teen years due to incredibly potent temptation, yet I see no way that he is a harm to anybody as he left the states! That is pure evil what that website did to him. There seems to be no rabinical oversight on that website and I hope they reevaluate their list of who belongs to be on “their registry of offenders” and who can be dealt with discreetly.

• NOT YET

  Dont publicize your name as of yet. This community is still not ready and it will make things harder for you.

  Publicize his name without your name – one day, when you are married and settled and have the support of a good wife – you can make it public with your name on it.

  thats what I think…

  I think that you will still achieve a lot by outing the sicko that did that to you – but at the same time, you will be able to go on without htings going upside down AGAIN.

  People will doubt the truth you tell whether you put your name on it or not, so just wait….

• don-t

  Don’t publicize your name, only his. Now is not the time for it. As for letting anyone know, I think the only person’s business is the girl who you will be seriously dating. YOu really need to speak to a Compentent rav about what should be said, and how it should be said. Please listen to me when I say it’s not everyone’s business. period. end of story. And may g-d bless you in every area of your life.

• DON-T GIVE OUT YOUR NAME

  without your parents’ permission. On the other hand DO GIVE OUT THE NAME OF THE ABUSER REGARDLESS.

• yossi a

  To mendel after over 100 comments, nothing futher need be said DONT EVER give your name but you MUST MUST make public that persons name if you dont want to do it fior yourself do it for THE INNOCENT CHILDREN that is still being haunted by that person

• anonymous

  Thank you for writing such a moving article.

  I don’t think that revealing your name will help.
  even if you do say your name people may still doubt the story, so I think its pointless. by giving the abusers name you are doing a mitzvah not by saying your own name.
  you sound like a very special person and I hope you find your true beshert.

• Nechama

  Dear Mendel,

  Perhaps you should put up an email address (of course it need not be your personal one) so that people can contact you. That way you know who it is giving the advice – as opposed to anonymous commenters.

  Also, it is a way for commenter number 4 to reach you. She sounds nice :-)

  May Hashem bless you with only tov hanireh vihanigleh from now on.

  Sincerely,

  Nechama

• reader

  mendel, you are certainly far from an external person. I wish you the best in hatlzacha in all that you do.
  You have a variety of answers here, and I hope that you are at peace with your decisions. ImYirtza Hashem you should have hatzlacha with which ever way you choose. However, I think it will be more peaceful for you to know that this person is stopped. That would be healing to you.
  #21 sounds like either he is unknowledgeable or an abuser, and Mendy Hecht sounds very eager to offer his opinion but he doesnt seem that he understands much of this issue. Best to share opinions when one is certain within themselves that they understand a complex and sensitive issue. We must hold back otherwise.
  I have to say, and I hope it is not an impure thought, that the person who did should be sweating now, and that is the best for him. This is the beginning for him. He has to live with his illness. You Mendel, will be living with your growth in what you have dealt with in a healthy and respectable manner. Wishing you brocha ve hatzlocha.

• Aha

  It is so obvious that all those pleading with u not to give your name are parents of children who were or they suspect were abused. They are petrified that if one corageous individual stands behind his story all the others (their children) will come.forth too. Like a scene out of a movie, where one stands up and trickle trickle more and more, the barriers break. I still dont think you need to be the courageous one if you are not ready. But certainly put his name out there. Chazak v’yematz

• Protect victims

  No reason to ever ever publicize your name. If you still have issues because of it that may affect your marriage then you need to take care of it before you date. If you’re completely healed then there is no reason to tell anyone, even your wife.
  BUT everyone must know who your abuser is immediately. Every minute counts as it can prevent another victim. He must not be allowed to roam freely.
  Good Luck!!!!!

• A Mother

  Wow Mendel, I have a daughter and I’m not so sure I would want to do a shidduch with someone who published his name. Can’t this be done without giving your name out? You are so brave and want to do the right thing with out hurting your future, that is a very hard place to be. Please Please go to get guided by someone who is smarter then us here, for your sake.
  As a mother I cry for your Parents and what this must be for them, to see you in such pain and now have to share it with you. Please know they do Love you. This must be such a shock for them. Trust their opinion too. Give them time. May Hashem bless you with wisdom and a bright future with your parents and future wife and family.

• forgot

  which name came off? i dont remember now and I need to know!

• chazak v-ematz!

  no need to give your name.
  just name and shame the abuser.
  this way he cant do it again and other abusers will think twice.

• CHHAT

  i see there are a lot of comments here and im not sure that this comment will be read by the writer, but i would like to say, putting his name in the public is the right thing to do…but i feel personally that unfortunately our community cannot handle you putting your name out, for example a boy comes out that hes gay and hes called a f***t in the street?? hes talked about all over town like hes some sort of monster i dont even know him and it hurts me to here ppl saying such things he was asking for our support for our help..to love him like we love our fellow jews..do u want to be walking down the street with everything thinking oh look at him hes the guy that….etc…i feel if we trully cared about one an other and didnt judge the way we sadly do you should do it…but we cant handle that and i wouldnt c”v want the good thing your trying to do to slap you in the face…there is an amazing girl out there for u and you will be open with her..and she will love and accept you for who you are today,

  (to all other readers im not saying no other community is like ours..but i was raised in this one and this is waht i see i dont see how other communities are nor do i care…)

  p.s. i just got married so i dont have children of my own but if i did at this point i dont think that what u went through in ur past would make me reject u as a son in law…im sure this made u a stronger person in many ways and hashem should give u the strength to be strong get marrried and build a strong beautiful home with your wife gd willing!!

• Anon

  No one is born to be a Child Molester from birth.

  How does it happen?

  Statistics indicates that anyone who was Molested themselves as a child will most likely grow up to be a Molester themselves too, when they grow up and becomes adults themselves and do on to others, what was done to them.

  Are there exceptions?

  Yes, there are exceptions to every rule and this rule is no exception but the rule remains a rule even if there are exceptions at times.

  We are all angry and outraged at the Molesters and rightfully so and we all sympathize with anyone who was ever abused, if he or she is a victim, as child now or if an adult now but was a victim in the past, as a child.

  The Catch 22 is when we try to pretend that some people are only Molesters and they were never victims or if we want to imagine that the victims of today are only victims but will never be Molesters.

  Statistically speaking and scientifically speaking it’s simply impossible and not so because the tow nearly always overlap and the difference is only in the timing. Almost every Molester of today is a victim of yesterday and almost every victim of today is the Molester of tomorrow.

  Therefore just like society deserves to know the names of the Molester of today, which was the victim of Yesterday, likewise you owe it to society that we know your name as a grown up victim of today because you too are a statistical danger to society because statistically speaking you are most likely to be the Molester of tomorrow and society must know who you are in order to be wary of you.

  Certainly you may or may not be healed with many years of therapy but there are never any guarantees and no one can ever certify with absolute certainty that you are not capable of becoming a molester tomorrow, because most people in your shoes do turn out to be molesters tomorrow, if they were abused as you have been, in the past.

  The same thing we say about the Molesters themselves, that they need therapy, and perhaps the Molesters have been or will be healed and perhaps not, the exact same thing applies to the victims that there is never any guarantee that the therapy of victims will guarantee absolutely that they will not turn out to become Molesters themselves since almost all victims of abuse eventually become Molesters themselves too.

  Is there really any difference between Molester and a Victim?

  The difference is only in the timing:

  The Molester was a victim in the past and is a Molester in the present.

  The victim is a victim in the past and is statistically virtually guaranteed to be a Molester too, only some time in the future.

  Who is more dangerous to society the “Molester” or the “Victim”?

  The answer may surprise you in that the Molester is at least hopefully publicized and known but the victim is the ticking time bomb of tomorrow remains hidden and is statistically destined to meet his statical destiny at any moment quietly and hidden.

  Society approves that this hidden potential molester (called the “victim”) remain unknown until after he is caught.

  But when will this “victim” and future Molester finally get caught?

  Statistics indicates that it will happen after he molested about 200 to 400 times. Statistics indicates that most Molesters are never caught before they have molested in actuality 200 to 400 times.

  This allows the “victim” i.e. future Molester, to remain anonymous, while society must first wait until the victim of today will in turn abuse others 200 to 400 times before we make his name known.

• DO NOT PUBLICISE YOUR NAME

  FAIR OR NOT, IT WILL VERY BADLY AFFECT YOUR SHIDDUCH CHANCES!

• Don t hide your past

  To Mendel #80 – I too am one of those abused individuals. Yet how can one not reveal such an issue to a spouse-i don’t understand. this isn’t only a physical issue; it’s an emotional and psychological issue that affects one differently at every stage of life. i dont understand the concept of not revealing such pain with your spouse out of love for them. Since her love runs so deep she wants to know what your going through so she can be by your side not just physically but mentally too. And i’m sure you have sexual issues as well to address and that definitely effects her too so how dare you not try to improve your lives TOGETHER. I speak from experience. Married with children. When my husband is stressed i want to be there with him. i don’t want him to carry an burden that can be helped if he let me into his thoughts.

• Dear Mendel,

  You must have a lot of inner strength. And while I respect and admire that you, who went through something so horrible, is willing to face the hurt and emotions that would come with outing your molester, you weren’t asking me to comment about that. You want to know if people will cross you off their shidduch lists if they hear about what happened to you.

  I’m going to be brutally honest.

  Yes, I would refuse to go out with you.

  Not because of the stigma, but because of all the ramifications that come with being molested. I know that you were unable to control what happened to you; however, going through something like you did changes your entire life. It effects the decisions you make from that moment on. It is something that you will always have to live with. I’ve had to deal with a close one being molested before, and as a young women (20) looking to find my husband, I don’t believe I am strong enough to go through that again.
  Good luck finding the right one for you.
  And Mendel, if you do decide to release your name, please please make sure you are seeing a good therapist to help you deal with all the emotions that will surely resurface.

• Chaim B

  Mendel,

  Nice to see an intelligent and thought out letter.

  Unfortunately most of the comments on a blog like this are not written by intelligent or informed people. I suggest that you talk to a competent, repeat, competent, Rov. The Rov does not necessarily have to come from our community, so long as he is competent, understanding and wise. In our community we have Rabbi Heller.

  These questions are much deeper and have more ramifications than the average reader understands.

  Base your actions on qualified opinions.

  G-d Bless you.

• a happily married Shliach

  speaking as a married man who has been sexually abused and only now -that CHW is making the extent of the problem known to the public- starting to consider telling my wife about it. I think that instead of sharing your name, you should share the details of your story. By doing so you will help people understand how this can happen to any child.

  I’m still waiting for CHW to make the the info about my abuser public. I have no doubt that the ones who abused us have abused many more, if we all finally speak up, together we can expose THEM and protect our children.

• A girl

  Mendel, I think you know what you need to do for the safety of all the children who rely on us adults to protect them. You didn’t have someone protecting you when he was able to hurt you. Don’t let that happen again. How you go about it is up to you.

  Whatever you do, always be as completely open and honest with your future wife as you are being now.

  As you can tell from all the previous comments, there are many girls that admire the qualities you portray, and If you continue to be open and honest, you should have no reason for concern. Everyone has ‘baggage’ if you look close enough.

• A frum professional

  Dear Mendel,

  A few points;

  1. Everyone with internet has an anonymous opinion. Would you listen to everyone in general life dilemmas?

  2. The fact that your asking the question shows how you know what the correct thing to do is, we just live amongst some ignorant people who still struggle to see the realities of life.

  3. One of the biggest parts of abuse aside from the physical is the mental abuse that occurs. One of which being is the secrecy. Abuse strives in secrecy, it’s what continues to allow it to grow. No person of any age especially a young one can manage to continue living a happy meaningful life with such a horrific burden.

  I wish you the strength to stand for what YOU truly believe and trust that Hashem will send YOUR zivug who will accept your past and together create a better future.

  A frum professional,

• What happend to the name

  Question about this story
  If there was a danger out there
  And the name was not published yet
  What is telling about this story ?
  A Bobeh maseh

• Chanie

  As a happily married wife and young mother, if my husband told me while we were dating (obviously not on the the 1st or 2nd date. As things progressed and we were getting closer) that he was molested as a child but had extensive therapy to deal with things I would have married him. The girl who you meet that will marry you will accept you as is; all your good traits, and “dark past”. Everything. I tip my hat off to you for having the courage to stop this abuser from molesting more children. It’s not about “nekomo” as a previous poster who quoted the Tanya. It’s about preventing this man from hurting anyone else. Much hatzlacha. One more note: don’t worry too much about the in-laws. It’s the girl you will be spending your life with. Not all of this has to be shared with her parents.

• #128 said it best.

  So did Nechama #150.

  Mendel, people care. We don’t know you but we care about you. We want only to read about your simchos not your tzur. I wish you so much joy and a long and happy life.

  a mother

• REVEAL

  i have a 5 year old son! you must reveal the name of this monster! to protect all the kids out there?HOW CAN YOU NOT??? I am scared for the life of my son! you can protect HIM by revealing the name of this monster! YOU WILL BE SAVING THE LIVES OF MANY KIDS! HOW CAN YOU NOT?

• Molesters, BEWARE

  BH, it looks like we finally have a 0 tolerance policy – heads up to all you Molesters, BEWARE!!!!!!!!

• Don-t reveal

  Dont publicize. not worth it. seek out a competent psychologist.

• Not a real Mendel

  Nice story
  But no Mendel
  I did not hear of a new name register
  So it’s not real just a nice article
  As a side question
  Is it possible that only one “molested”
  Made up the story ?
  Maybe in the court of law the jodge hears 2 sides and than renders a verdict
  But on blogs just because you said it really happend ?
  But still a good writer
  Good future

• got your back!

  as a victim of rape, I chose to come forward with my story, I allowed my name to be publicized and my story on record for the world to read. I was dragged through the mud, I had to leave college, was taunted and teased and called every name you can imagine. I faced backlash and retribution. I would do it all again if I had to. It was healing and I put someone away that everyone was afraid to turn on… You do what you need to do Mendel! Any family or woman that can’t find the man that you are brave and admirable isn’t worth the gum off the bottom of your shoe…. you be brave for you and for everyone else… nevermind the sidduch crisis, you have to heal before you can have a life and a family anyways…

• Danny

  Wow the smartest letter I ever read it my life may u have many shiduchim offers but only choose what’s right for u
  I’m nit sure if u should redeem ur name or not u should prob write a letter to the igros

  How old ru
  Mazel tov pru urvo

• lol

  like they say 1 jew and 5 opinons lol :D

• l.g.

  Hello,

  I truly think what you wrote was very valid, and courageous. you MUST let the whole Jewish community know how these terrible things happen and there-by allowing parents to know how to protect their children! it is so important!

  May Hashem help that no more of these terrible things happen anymore. hatzlacha on finding ur basheret.

• OrthoFeminist

  Frankly, any person that you marry will need to know about your past. Your wife will need to understand you sexually and emotionally. Any person that turns you down because of what happened to you is not a person you should marry. That relationship just won’t end well.

  You definitely have more to gain by publicizing your name than by keeping it private. I will bet that the support and love you receive as a result of it will be much more than any negative consequences that come from you publishing this information.

• ShemTov

  Dear Mendel,
  First, You may not be able to charge the S.O.B. criminally, but you may charge him civilly, where the laws of avidence are much easier,
  It may a be a real way to get him of the streets, make his name knowen and get compensation for the great expense you incurred because of him.
  Second, You may have a biblical obligation (de’Orita) to expose him, from the negative commend of “Lo TAAMOD Al Dam Reacho”, you shell not stand over your freinds blood.
  Third, if the above is done in a delibrate and calculated way, taking in concideration many Halachot and practical issues, your exposure be be minimal and controlled.
  Fourth, You are B”H blessed and gifted with charecter and caourage, I think it will be a blessing for any young women.

• concernd

  dear victim
  you can never change the past
  you can never change the truth
  YOU can not change that person
  you can change yourself
  and with perusing this issue
  the decision you have to make
  is what sacrifice i have to make for others which may or not help
  do not forget
  your therapist Rov and Mashpiah are all married and have a life

• BS’’D

  Your like Melech Dovid!
  Hatzlocha!

• Ash

  THERE IS A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY FOR MOLESTERS

  PUBLICIZE
  PROTECT
  DAVEN
  AND MAKE CHESSED FOR OUR BEAUTIFUL AM YISROEL, BRING MOSHIACH BY STOPPING THOSE THAT PUSH HIM AWAY.

  With much love.

• #158 needs correcting

  I think someone who knows the facts should answer this post. This is not what I’ve heard. You are painting every victim with a broad brush. Watch what you say or post.

• CHT

  I believe a person should not be judged based on what happened to him, but how he handled the situations (the fights, the wars) that he encountered. You appear to be a fighter, a worrier, very strong superior personality, don’t call yourself damaged good, it is silly.

  Let us know the name of that person, I have children, I MUST know.

• #158

  #158 sounds like a molester

• Aim B-Yisrael

  Rov and Mashpiah are the 2 main causes of today’s crisis. Had all molesters been ousted years ago, there wouldn’t be so many still walking around today. Because they don’t stop. They molest again and again. Every victim now becomes a potential molester. And the cycle continues…
  So no, don’t bother with the old-and-never-worked-solution. Definitely contact CHWatch. Your abuser should absolutely be publicized. Don’t go public with your name. There is no gain to you.
  Wishing you the best of luck and deep healing,
  A Mother in Israel

• Nissim I Have Seen

  Whether or not there is actually a real Mendel behind THIS story, there are many “mendel’s” behind other stories, unfortunately.
  As both a BT and a child that went through much abuse, I can say that my number 1 concern was shidduchim. For weeks I cried my eyes out, wondering who would marry me with my complicated past. But after pouring out my heart to the Bashefer in sincere prayer and working on strengthening my emunah, a series of miracles happened to me.
  Not only did I end up with a great boy, but I ended up with a great FFB boy, with a terrific name in the community. Everyone loves him and looks up to him, and he is a chashuv member of the community where we live.

  The bottom line that I want to bring out to all of those who are worried about shidduchim because of a difficult past- remember what it says in Tehillim, “m’ayin yavo ezri? ezri m’im hashem!”

  hashem provides the spouse for each and everyone of us, and will give us exactly who we need to help us grow and fulfill our unique tafkid in life. So dear “Mendels” of the world-
  take your pain, and cry to our Tatty in himmel, and TRUST him to provide u with the right spouse, at the right time.

  A little emunah can cause great miracles.
  A little Tefillah- can shatter the heavens.
  Wishing you all the best!

• Chani

  Are you sure the police cannot get involved in this? You mentioned how it is past the statute of limitations. Are you sure? Also, molesters tend to be repeat offenders. Even if it is too late for you – with police investigation – other children may be found who are being abused right now.

• MAY HASHEM HELP

  DO NOT PUBLICIZE YOUR NAME YOU WILL ONLY HURT YOURSELF DO IT ANNONYMOUSLY

• Been There

  Dear Mendel,
  I know exactly where you’re holding.
  I was there once too. A member of my family was putting pressure on me to tell the guy I was going out with that he would have to put up with “Damaged Goods” and because I was so busy worrying about my “problem” (which by the way I had dealt with through intense and extensive therapy) I failed to see that the guy I ultimately married had serious problems of his own!!
  Remember, there is nothing wrong with YOU the problem is with the lowlife who did this to you and with the system that continues to protect him!
  Not only are you not “damaged goods”, you are a stronger person who has risen above some difficult challenges and any girl should respect and welcome that!
  Hatzlocha Rabba and just know that there are others out there who know and understand and would love to be there for you…without even knowing your full name.

• n/a

  i think if anyone is that shallow a person , that they would not look into it they are not for you . You do the best you can the right person will come . just make sure that you do what you know is right . tell and save others . basheret is basheret you’ve already got a basheret and nothing will change that . it took me too a long time to seek help for it. don’t be ashamed i think you are brave . a man is not a man until he can crie in public…eventually it’s not what others think is right …but what you know is right .

• introspection

  i don’t usually comment on these blogs, but you are asking so am i answering.
  i like to think of myself as very open minded and accepting, being able to only pay attention to the things that matter etc…. BUT – the honest truth is that you would not be first choice to look into as a shiduch for my children.
  REMEMBER: this would prejudice me against seriously looking into you to find out how wonderful you are if i have to choose from a list of people. it does not mean that you are not fit to marry my child.

• DO NOT PUBLICIZE YOUR NAME

  DO NOT PUBLICIZE YOUR NAME. It will cause unnecessary harm for you.

• Good Luck!

  If I had a daughter I would be glad to have you meet her. Courage and honesty, plus your efforts to make a positive life, are worthy of honor. I hope your parents appreciate you, and that you find your beshert.

• ruchi

  Well, everything is more or less said here. Just would like to add my voice as whether to publicize your name.
  Unless this is the only way to prove who abuser is, do not name yourself. Not because mother-in-laws won’t be excited to have you, but purely for your own sanity and peace of mind.
  Hatzlacha in whatever decision you make.
  My total admiration and respect for all you’ve done.
  And be sure, that what happened to you will only make the bond between you and your besheret stronger – May Hashem bless you to meet her really soon.

• Sick with the amatuers playing judge

  I think there is a bit of hypocrisy here. On one hand that website decries the statute of limitations and contends that one ought to be able to pursue justice forever without expiration. On another hand, they contend that the rachmonus upon the victims ought to expire once many years pass. It is common knowledge that people that were molested are far more likely to become molesters themselves than the common man. So it is quite possible that these molesters were molested themselves in their youth. So where is the pity upon them? Their lives were truly ruined by those who molested them, to the extent that they became molesters themselves! But I guess CHW has no pity on them because pity has a limitation and expiration date. Hypocrites!!

  A responsible organization would seek to peacefully reconcile each case without destroying the perp’s life forever but attempting to get help for him as well (of course get help for the victim, but even get help for perp). Of course, once those efforts are exhausted, their identities must be publicized to protect the masses, but I think if you speak to a molester and notify him that he better shape up or his sins will become public knowledge, he himself will self impose a restraining order of himself from children in order to protect his own interests (even if he lacks the motivation to do it for the sake of the children). If all else fails, there is a way to medically (permanently) to extract lust from a person (don’t remember procedure but it involves subduing the hormones), and the molesters should be offered that procedure as an alternative before outing their identities to the mass public. Remember that shaming a person in public (especially in these matters) is likened by our sages to murder and to merely decide for oneself that the person has a status of a roidef thus permitting it, must be a decision made by a rov who feels that all other ways of dealing with this has already been exhausted.

  Last but not least, we mustn’t be hasty to judge, for the way we judge others is ultimately the way Hashem will judge us after 120. Rather judgement must be thorough and when the greatest measures are required (such as shaming perp publically), it must be done with deepest pain and regret, and never G-d forbid with enthusiasm.

  Bottom line: There can’t be a single standard to apply to all perps, rather each case must get clearance (for public shaming of perp) by a competent rov (even a liberal one), and never G-d forbid by anonymous hotheads behind keyboards.

• CHW are abusers themselves

  To put 20 year olds in a position to advertise that they were molested in a public forum is awful. Many 20 year olds are quite immature and aren’t in a position to make a rational decision of this nature until after a couple years of marriage or at least after dating several different girls. Otherwise they are making a decision without proper understanding of it’s ramifications, for one doesn’t truly understand the ramifications to shiduchim until you are truly well into dating or beyond… Just my opinion.

• levi

  i think you should out this guy however i think there is no point of putting your name out there it will hurt your shidduchim and if you are going to be open about it with your shidduch maybe she will except you but not want everyone to know she is married to someone that is abused even if people wont be a hundred percent sure they will still be wary of this man and if he is a teacher or something like that he will be looked into which i think is better than hurting your chance of a happy marriage. just my opinion and im just a 20 year old guy so good luck all the best

• Father and buiseness man from Toronto

  Mendel you are a shining star. You don’t need to publicize your name.You have done more than any man would do. You must put this abuser on the chopping block before he can destroy someone else.

  I would be honored for someone like yourself to go out with my daughter. THE WORD COURAGE DOESN’T DO JUSTICE TO WHAT YOUR DOING!

  I wish you lots of Hatslacha going forward. I feel privileged to have read your letter.

• Question to all

  If you had 6 children and your second to the oldest would molest a child (and you have four other children still to marry off), would you want him outed, or would you attempt to rehabilitate him before the abused would take the action to out him? Stand in the abusers family’s shoes before rushing to render judgement.

• concerned

  what is the website?

• dad (message to #195 and their ILK!!!!)

  no patience to read all this but just posted #195 come clean…who you hiding or are you a molestor urself. bla blabla your comment reeks of lame empty arguments.

  Those arguments fall on DEAF ears – these perverts like you will be and should be outed and dealt with in the most harsh ways.

  Their families should have done more – you bet THEY ALL KNOW!!!

  mendel – I go with themajority don’t mention your name – it makes no difference 90% of the hood knows you are legit and it did happen. Sorry and keep it up – you’ll find a girl who appreciates you very soon.

• Do Cowards have any Credibility?

  Aside of the controversy if a victim should choose to disclose his name or not, one thing which everyone can agree on is that the owner of the website which outs the molesters should not be such coward as to remain anonymous while accusing others.

  If the website which outs others takes responsibility for those whom they accuse, they should at least have the guts to state their names.

  Although some people know who runs the ch watch website, most people don’t know and the cowardliness of the ch watch owners reflects on their lack of credibility.

  Whether the website is run by one person who is rumored to possibly be a molester himslef, who is protecting himself or if it’s run by the renegade group who apposes the shmorim or if it’s run by the one victim who had written up his entire story as to how he was a victim and was the only victim so far, to have signed his name, or if it’s run by both of them….

  Ch watch credibility is lacking as long as they remain gutless and cowards to clearly take responsibility for what they say by openly signing their name as the owners and cooperators of chwatch.

• Gullible 200 commenter-s

  This type of an article is most likely not true anyway, since even the Abusers name has not been revealed and there is absolutely no excuse why not to disclose the name of the Abuser, in any case.

  It’s incredible that almost 200 commenter’s fell for it.

  The purpose of the article was just to generate many comments.

  If it was at all true the Molesters name would have been posted already.

• tp #158 you are so wrong

  you are son uninformed!!!!

  The molesters that have been molested – i feel sorry for them – but I still detest what theyve done and wouldnt want them anywhere near my children!!!

  But a victim, who gets help to overcome their trauma is very unlikely to become a molestor!

  the reason the victims become perpertrators is becuase they dont have any other way to deal with their pain, trauma and this is what they know to do!

  you are so wrong..

• # 158

  #158 is no doubt a molester. He needs to come forth and say who he is so we can protect our children from him.

• Only one word, HERO!

  It’s been a long time since i read a full article on-line. Damaged goods is what you call the person who did this to you. Your comming forward will help many to heal and save many more from the need to heal.

  In answer to you question, my answer has changed. The first time you asked it was yes. The seocond time it was 1,000% YES. I hope that everyone else feels the same.

  It is difficult for the families of the abusers, and i feel pity for them. But every victim is not just a single person but a family too, as you and yours already know. Someone has to put a stop to the ongoing progression of pain and suffering.

  In my book there is only one word to describe the people who come forward to put an end to this insanity, HERO!

  I wish you much strength and blessing in whichever choice you make.

• To Comment Number 52:

  So sorry to hear that you’re in pain. There is excellent free therapy to victims of abuse, please contact SOVRI for a location near you. SOVRI is a project of Beth Israel Hospitals and has referrals for orthodox victims 888.613.1613.

• still struggling with same decision

  Thank you for bringing your issue to the public forum. Its an issue so many of us had to or have to face. Up until recently, us victims had to sit in pain while the perpetrators got to live their lives with respect (and access to more children). Now, B“H we have options of going to CHW or the police, and staying anonymous if we need to.

  No matter which way you decide to go about it, I give you so much credit for trying to prevent this from happening to others.

  I am still struggling with the decision to ”out” my perpetrator, and I find your letter encouraging.

  PS I got excellent therapy which helped me grow into myself. I never wanted to get married without being able to be honest with my spouse, but also never thought someone would agree to marry me with my history. I did end up meeting someone, telling them my story and, to my surprise they took it so well, and only felt badly that I felt I had to wait so long before trusting them enough to tell them. It truly only reflects on the perp, and you only deserve credit for all your growth.

  Wishing you much Hatzlocho in everything!

• Thank You!

  If you are courageous enough to publicize your name to protect our children from this monster – then you are truly an honorable person. You are not damaged goods – and anyone who views you as such is small minded. I can see your concern very well as shidduchim in this day and age is fraught with muddled values, but there are many people who still have true values – and it is those people with who you must seek approval. It is a tragedy you went through this constant trauma. And It is courageous of you to end it for others. Not only are you not damaged goods, you are a brave admirable individual.
  Good Luck

• Sources please

  To #158 – if you quote statistics and quote scientific theories then you MUST quote your sources. It is almost as though you are quoting a cliche.
  In the scientific world one needs sources to eradicate the potential misuse of information and plagiarism.

• To number 158

  Well written but you have it all wrong.

  Many molesters are victims…true…and it is sad…

  Most victims, however will NOT abuse, some will though. The statistic doesn’t work both ways…do your research.

• TO crownheights.info

  I strongly feel like post number 158 should be removed, bc it is incorrect, and very well written, which people can confuse for factual.

  Please reread and think about it

• Protect yourself and the lives of others

  What ever you do DO NOT PUBLICIZE YOUR NAME! GET IT OUT THERE THAT THIS MAN IS A SICKO AND A CHIlD MOLESTOR!Put his name on ch watch. If people want to be so stupid to allow there children to go near that disgusting excuse for a human being then that is there choice.
  If you are healed enough to go get a shidduch then so be it.
  G-D PLANS WHO WE WILL MARRY, NOT LUBAVITCH SHADCHANIM WHO CAN CARE LESS ABOUT YOU, ABUSED OR NOT.
  I am talking from experience and a life full of pain from my experience. GET HELP! It was not your fault and though the experience may never leave you, you will become a stronger person and a more responsible parent because of it.
  I’m not sure why g-d does what he does but you will see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to want it.
  No one can understand what you have gone through, but they don’t have to. Good luck with everything.

• Dr. Sense

  Hmmm.

  Obvioulsy a hot topic. 200 responses so far.

  Assuming all is as you write – you ask for opinions:

  As far as outing your abuser. Emphatically yes. The question is where and how. For that there’s no packaged answer. Unfortunatley, the the internet’s info has to always be taken with agrian of salt, but it IS the easiest way. It’s too bad that same tool can be used to harm someone innocent.My advice? You write you abuser that he has a deadline to a) get therapy, b) send you the name of his therapist and he must give the therapist permission to communicate with you advising you of his repair process. c) if he does not follow through you will publicise your letter and his name. d) he may never again be in an easy position to repeat the crime (e.g. teacher, professional contact with minors.

  As far as outing yourself. Emphatically no. You should share this with someone you seriously intend to marry, but otherwise, it’s no one’s business. You have been scarred, but you don’t necessarily display it if it is in a private spot.

• Dovid

  Mendel, as most of the comments above, I admire you for taking control of yourself, and not letting that monster destroy your life.
  I will just state my opinion, in answer to your questions:
  1. In regard to your question of being accepted as a son-in-law: since its human nature that people judge a book by the cover, but once they get to know you, tend to be more accepting.
  I personally don’t consider you “damaged goods” b/c you were abused, since you took care of the issue, and seem to be in full control.
  2. I suggest you DO publicize who the monster is, so that even if you can’t take legal steps at this point, you will thereby save others.
  3. Based on 1, I suggest that you don’t publicize your identity at this point, rather wait till after you are happily married, and then you can decide with your wife if to do so or not.
  That obviously doesn’t in any way suggest you hide anything from a girl you are dating.
  I’m sure that telling only the truth will not harm you, and that you will be well accepted by the girl for what you ARE, not what you were or what you went thru.
  4. In order for the identity of the abuser to be “verified”, you may know of a respected member in CH, which could agree to sign HIS name, attesting to the fact that he personally knows the victim.
  But in any case, at this point, weather we agree or not – most of publicized abusers don’t have publicized victims names, and that doesn’t stop anyone from publicizing them. On the contrary: there are still too many on the loose!
  Publicize him either way!
  Good luck to you in finding your bashert, and in riding the evil from amongst us!

• To Mendel

  I don’t know if you have any more clarity now, then when you first wrote this open letter, as there seems to be a split down the middle line, with everyone convincing you why you should or should not publicize your name. Ultimately this is a decision you will have to reach on your own.

  But I did want to tell you this much. This guy had no right to re-contact you, and if you have not yet put out a do-not-contact, restraining order on him, you should do so immdiately!!

  Good Luck finding your basheret.

• Let this cycle stop

  Dear Mendel , Chazak Ve’ematz.
  Your story, courage and strength, should be a courage to us all!
  As a father (to younger daughters) I would have a son-in-law carrying your last name, but from the other side of token if you would be my son I would ask you to respectfully NOT to publicize YOUR name, go after the monster, publicize HIS name unless you feel it’ll help your heeling proces

• B H Pinchas Hakohen

  B“H Pinchas HaKohen

  When the Am Yisroel was traveling in the midbar, and the leader of the tribe of Shimon rebelled and publicly transgressed with forbidden physical relation with a non jewish woman, thereby causing the plague that was killing thousands of Yidden; Pinchas, who was not yet a Kohen, asked Moshe Rabeinu ” doesn’t it state explicitly in the Torah that when someone who is zealous for Hashem and witnesses such an action while it is being done, one is commanded to kill the one who is committing this act? Moshe Rabeinu remained silent and did not reply because to attempt to kill Zimri in public, would put the one who is doing this mitzva in danger and risking his life. Pinchas, from the tribe of Levi who were always occupied in learning and teaching, took a sword and headed for Zimri’s tent. Every step of the way was fraught with danger to his very life. With great miracles Hashem protected him and he used the sword to kill both Zimri and Cosby while they were committing this act and the plague of death immediately ceased.
  Hashem blessed Pinchas for his zealousness and mesiras nefesh for Hashem and his love of his fellow Yidden. Hashem blessed him that from now on he will be a Kohen. Also, Pinchos – zu Elyohu
  By your going public with the name of someone who has done this evil perverted act and thereby protecting every child/youth whom he may have contact with from being emotionally destroyed and physically abused and traumatized is a mitzvah.

  1. However, this should done only with the guidance of a Mashpia and observant professional who deals with these unfortunate situations.
  2. Do not publicize your name. It is forbidden to tell a lie but it is not a mitzva in every circumstance to scream the truth from the roof top. It has the potential to cause you harm c’v.
  3. When you are very serious about a girl and ready to ask for a brocho, with your Mashpia’s input and guidance, you will decide if at that time you can confide and share this pain.

  In the merit of your mesiras nefesh with your sincer4e desire to protect innocent Yiddishe neshomos form this horror, May Hashem bless you with complete healing
  Brocho vhatzlocho for shidduch tov meod v’kayom and binyad adei ad

  Ad Mosay! We Want Moshiach Now!

• Father of Married and Soon 2 B Married,

  Don’t publicize your name!

  If your name came to me I would ask myself, “How much inner turmoil might this man make my daughter suffer if she marries him?” And I say this even though I am mighty impressed by your article and courage, and, more importantly, it seems that you HAVE put your life back together. So, my brain says, it should not hurt the shidduch. My emotions say that it will hurt the shidduch.

  I say to you, don’t publicize your name. The fact is that these molesters are being exposed (but NOT fast enough, but I think the momentum toward exposure will continue to accelerate) thanks to the internet. So, by exposing him you’ll be doing something good. By exposing yourself, you’ll loose. One more point. If you publicize your name, your children IYH, grandchildren etc. will all have that attached to them. By that I mean, it is something that THEY will feel uncomfortable about, because there are no secrets on the internet and they WILL end up knowing. Also, don’t overlook the fact that children can be very cruel to other children, and children might use this as a tool for cruelty toward your future children.

  In summation, your gain toward your objective will be minimal, if at all. You can accomplish what you should without that risk.

  And finally, it appears from your own words that you will find a lot of healing by reconnecting with your parents, and by you and your parents both letting go of any past resentment, since at this moment of new understanding you’ll each decide to coalesce.

• Help

  As a parent of a chilled that was abused by a so called very good friend of mine,
  I can tell you that the worst thing we are going through (my point of view ) is the
  Lack of support in fact the opposite we are the bad people, we are being punished
  By our so called friends, chassidim and leaders/Hanholah.

  In fact we have since found out that some members of our so called Hanholah and his parents knew about this persons history and said or did nothing to protect others from his family’s sick problems, and now one of my concerns is that I don’t want to be hated and despised, like I hate his parents for allowing their illness to affect others and not dealing with it when they found out about his actions.

  One way to solve this problem is we must expose the abusers to protect others, and I mean LIFE as victims of abuse have committed suicide, so we are talking of Pikuach Nefesh, Dose any one know what that mean,s yet we look away or we treat victims like the nasty’s of our society, that’s how we are treated.

• To #200

  To # 200, I find it interesting that you’re anonymous.

• Dovid

  You shouldn’t do something that you’re going to regret later. Put up his name, keep your name to yourself. Don’t give the molester the “pleasure” of seeing you suffer more.

  Let Hashem wipe away our tears and bring Moshiach Tzidkeunu right away.

• Courageous yet not smart

  I think that you did enough to prove what kind of person he is. Even if people might be a bit more skeptical about the truth, they will always be cautious around the man. Your family is what should come first. Protect their name, and protect yours. As much as people say that they may accept you as a son-in-law, they would perfer the other guy right next to you who doesnt have the so called “extra baggage”.

• do it for Leiby

  Remember Leiby Kletzy

• Sarah

  I agree with many of the above comments.

  There’s no reason to put up your name. Even if you date a girl from a family that is “ignorant” in this area – doesn’t mean that they are bad. People sometimes misjudge issues in which they lack experience.

  Best case scenario – people will pity you for what you went through. Why do people who don’t know anything about you have to pity you? Why should your parents be publicized as parents who didn’t pick up on it? for not knowing? for not helping?

  Publicize the abusers name – because that’s the halacha – dinei nefashos…

  You’re doing this to prevent him from further abusing others.

  Don’t publicize your name – no need!

• Sue Him

  I think it’s not right to just name the individual.
  Get the Police involved and file a lawsuit!
  This isn’t just a ‘little bad thing’.
  If you file a lawsuit I think this will scare other would be sickos.
  If you don’t do it, his criminal acts will continue, Hashem Yishmor.
  Do the right thing and get him legally punished.

• To Mendel

  Every day that the perpetrators name is being protected, is a day that
  a future victim is not being protected!
  so put the name out as soon as you can.

  I don’t think you have to put your name out at this time.

• Possible Father-in-Law

  First, to give you context: I am the kind of father in law you want. I am cool (my kids think i’m lame), with-it, frum (genuinely frum), and definitely non-judgmental. (I was lubavitch lite before there was lubavitch lite.)

  I find it incredibly admirable and inspiring that you are willing to come forward, and expose yourself to shame, in order to promote the greater good.

  And in a previous time I would have encouraged you to do the politically correct thing and come forward.

  HOWEVER. I now have children in shidduchim. My first, and only, obligation is to do whatever is absolutely best for my children.

  Does being a survivor make you a worse prospect for my children? Of course not. On the contrary, it probably makes you a better person. But deep down I don’t know that. And if someone will “red” you to my daughter, I will be extremely cautious and skeptical. We all come into marriage carrying our own baggage. But is this more baggage then my daughter can handle? I don’t know and I don’t want to find out.

  I feel horrible adding to your existing pain. I hesitated writing this because I feel like a monster making your horrible situation even worse. But for your own sake, please come forward anonymously. Even if fewer people believe you, you need to be concerned with protecting yourself first.

  If you do go out with my daughter, please don’t tell me about the abuse till after you are married. I will cry with you, I will support you, and I will love you with all my heart. And I will certainly understand why you kept it a secret. But please don’t take the risk that I might interfere with the shidduch.

• schneur

  Mendel,
  I am a victim and I cam forward. I would never judge you whether you put ur own name out or not as I know how tough it is but def I would put out the molestors name. Honestly I don’t have the time to read all the above comments but I just want to say that the biggest kiddush hashem and kiddush lubavitch is to due what it needed for justice. Remember the torah says derech eretz kodma latorah. This is so relevant here because you have people with beards who try to doubt you and make you scared to speak. But this is not what lubavitch or yidishkeit is about. This about exposing evil which doesn’t discriminate. I know it is prob very tough as you prob worry and are scared that maybe you will end up alone one day and so to is a fear I have but all I can share with you is my experience strengnth and hope I got from exposing my evil. It has made me a better person all around in life it has given me so much more confidence in life and I think all us victims are special people which I am sure lots of women will want. The thing is for me is not to be scared to show the real me because that’s the core of you, being a victim of molestation doesn’t make you weird, if you survived and came out on top you are the most comendable. Person that can be. That is what a real inspritation in life is to me and many others and don’t let fear get to you and last but not least do what you feel in ur heart but I think that any women that looks at you as damaged goods is superficial and not worthy of marrying you. Gd put us all in the world for a reason and there’s a girl out there for you and you just have to find her but please continue to be an inspiration to us all and sanctify GDs name in a way we all should.
  Good luch with your shidduch and may GD give you the strenghth for justice and to be able to help others!!
  Schneur

• parent

  What I love most about this letter is that every single abuser in CH is squirming with fear. This will not only help your abuser to stop but all the others since they dont know if it is their victim writing this letter. Another funny thing is when u wrote to ur parents “I am in the living room”… I ran to my living room… but my son wasnt there. I am sure every parent did the same. Kudos to you, u sound like a great guy… u deserve a great girl. And as a parent who will soon be in the shidduch field… I would allow my daughter to date a guy like u.

• A girl

  it is very brave of you to volunteer all the info. I think the community would like to know who this person is who hurt you, but I dont think you need to post your name. Posting this must have been hard enough, I don’t think you need to make it any harder on yourself.

  Obviously, with shidduchim, you might disclose this with the girl you go out with. But I dont think it needs to go further than that. Unfortunately people do tend to eye people differently after hearing stories of abuse, but it seems as though you’ve really worked on yourself and have are taking all the right steps. Kudos to you and hatzlocha with everything!

  -Also looking for a shidduch

• agreed with #224

  #224 is right… come forward anonymously but the name of mollester must be exposed asap

• private

  Frankly I feel that some things should be left private. You don’t have to air all your dirty laundry out for the whole judgmental Lubavitcher world to wag their tongues about. You’re FFB so maybe don’t grasp how even the slightest imperfection will ruin your chances in life. You don’t have to keep it a deep dark secret if that’s how you feel, but there is a middle road that you can take and feel good about yourself. Definitely report to the proper authorities who your perp was, and follow up or lead, to make sure he is put out of harms way to other young innocents. Just my 2cents worth, since you asked. My heart goes out to you; may Hashem heal your deepest pain, and you find a full and fulfilling life in every way. It will come so don’t loose faith.

• Bais Rivkah Alum

  It’s nice to see that this topic is open for discussion. I was a student at Bais Rivkah in the 1970’s and was violated by an adult in Crown Heights. I was sent to this individual by the school and when I told them what happened, they scolded me and told me to “shut up and quit making up stories” well the story still sticks with me and I still have only told one friend. I think that you need to tell someone, you may not need to use your name if you fear retaliation by the community, just having people take a second look at this individual may do the trick. Protect yourself, do what you think is right, talk to the people at the website and see if you truly need to give your name. I know that back in the day, all it did was make people think I was looking for attention, believe me, that type of attention nobody needs. I’ll say a prayer for you. All the best.

• Watching...

  #158/202 We’re watching you. You’ll quite likely be the next name on CHW.

• Procrastination:

  I ask all those reading and/or commenting on this subject: what changes have you made in order to prevent future generations from going through this? I do not ask about todays generation, for they are going through this as we speak with absolutely no changes provided in the schools and summer camps that harbor/employ these people.

  ———————————-

  Mendel,

  Your letter is extremely courageous. It is powerful and it relays some of the thoughts that go into the personal decisions that need to be made when someone is abused in a community.

  While there are some in the community that say they would be honored to have you date their daughters, most would not want it. Most would sympathize while maintaining their distance because of the unknown ramifications. And it is only for this reason that I would advise you not to disclose your name unless the validity of your story requires it. As for his name, obviously it is best for it to be released if he is a threat to hurt other people.

• Shpitz

  There’s no reason for you to give your name. People in Lubavitch claim to be doing something, but until the enablers are removed from power, pedophilia will continue. The enablers are the rabbonim, teachers, mashpiyim, and parents who do nothing when told about abuse.

  I know that if I named the enablers and pedophiles, this response wouldn’t be printed.The enablers are very powerful people, but if they had had the guts to stop young boys from being sexually abused and raped, this would have stopped at least 40 years ago.

  All my life, nothing was done in the name of miseera. Nothing was done until a child was tortured, raped, and brutally murdered. Now the CH rabbonim say you have to go to the police. Why was it miseera before he was murdered but now it’s not? The rabbonim were enablers. They should all be fired. But that will never happen.

  And you’re wondering why so many of your kids are doing drugs and leaving yiddishkeit. It is the fault of the parents how the children turn out. My father said it for years. All the kids who were abused are on the playtzis of the enablers.

• to 1 thrue 238

  yure all rong

• In summation...

  Mendel,

  I don’t know if you’ll make it through all of these comments. But I admire you’re coming forward to the extent that you have and hope to impart some advice.

  First of all as many others, I too would invite you into my family, primarily due to the sense of maturity and growth that you exhibit regarding you’re experience.

  Secondly, before you address disclosing and marriage you need to address your own requirements. Do you want to “come out”? Do you feel that you will find some sort of closure through disclosing. You need to put yourself first here. You do try to deflect sympathy and refuse to be pitied, but you must ask yourself the following question: Regardless of family, community, or social pressures, what will help me heal? That is not to say that you should neglect the other aspects, but you need to know what you need first and then address the most effective way to go about it.

  With regards to disclosure I would be careful, not so much about if you bring it up, but more how and when. For that you need to consider how much exposure you are comfortable with (filing charges, posting on a blog, becoming an advocate etc.) and also when to bring it up when dating, there is a vast difference between mentioning on a first date “Hi, my name is Mendy and I was a victim”, to having developed a sense of closeness with a prospective girl and then sharing about your past.
  Many people have taken a negative experience and found strength to grow from it. You can do that, and in many ways it seems that you have. Some potential shidduchim will recognize that and some won’t. But as you’ve already read enough parents would take their chances on you.

  I hope this message was helpful. If you would like to follow up I would be glad to communicate further. I can be reached at hytamir@gmail.com

  Sincerely,

  H. Tamir

• max

  a dangerous trend.
  I read the comments, so many people are coming forward claiming to be abused victims.
  There is a serious plague right now burning in the midst of the klal destroying child after child life after life each and every day except Shabbos.
  I guess that is the sole advantage of being a frum abused victim.
  you get Shabbos off. I think CHABAD headquarters should take this seriously and invest heavily in extinguishing this destructive silent killer. For crying out loud we aren’t Catholics/
  to # 21 you should come out of your cover in case you are a pedophile. seek therapy, and don’t hide behind the Tanya. are you by any chance Mendels abuser? just curious/

• Menachem

  Hi all and reb Mendel I’m trying to get my self together and understand your question and all this comments here isn’t this a Jewish site govern by Jewish law? If so most comments are not revelant yes I think you should opt your abuser but do it the right way the way of Torah there is no statue of limitation in Torah why not call him to a Beth din and bring out your arguments and if you dont want any one to know who you are ask them not to publicize your name, now I know what comes next people will say don’t go to rabunim or rabunim can’t do anything being Jewish that’s not the first right we gave up.
  Yes in the secular world there is a different way of thinking and I’m not good at writing a full article maybe 1 day il get to it

• TRUTH AND BLESSING

  Whatever you do, I know that you are sensible, intelligent, and more than that. there are many paths to take on this, and I pray for you that it leads you to where you need, but just do your best, and then HaShem should help you get the rest of it. Just do your hishtadlus.
  All I can say, is that there are people working on names now which have not been reported yet, but I’m sure there is information being worked on now which will lead authorities to more of these people who are among us…..may HaShem help that they should be discovered VERY soon. I hope those guilty of not going for help and imposing their deviance on many innocents of the Rebbe’s beloved children, will be caught soon, and I hope they are sweating and nervous because thats not nearly as bad as what their victims experienced.

• chani8

  I am sorry that I didn’t see this sooner. You asked if I would want you as a son inlaw. I am a survivor married to a survivor, and together we became BT. I am happily married for 20 years. DH and I understand each other like no one else can. DH has always been in better shape than me, with me going to therapy off and on and lots of self help techniques along the way. But our marriage is good, because we were open from the beginning and we understand that CSA affects many aspects of ones life. Having a good support system, good people in your life, being open and honest. That to me is the recipe for a good life and marriage. So yes, young man, because you are being open, I would consider it an honor and priviledge to have you as my son inlaw.

• chani8

  As far as disclosure, it is an act of pikuach nefesh to reveal the name and wherabouts of a perpetrator. And it is never too late. Not only is it a courageous effort to stop him now, but it may help his other victims realize that they are not alone.

• DavidJ

  Hi Mendel,

  1.You are a brave person
  2.As someone who has been through therapy for abuse myself, I am wondering, is it really in your best interest to reveal your identity?

• IMa Em

  You sound like a very brave young man who has very good qualities for a good shidduch. You went to get all the resources needed to deal with what you went through, you set yourself up financially to support a future family, (part of) you want(s) to protect other innocents from the horror you lived.

  You must have gotten advice from your therapist, is it theraputic for you to have your name in the open? Out of consideration for your family is it not needed to disclose your real name but just stay identified as 6FT Mendel and still accomplish enough publication of the predators name?

  I don’t know how much more weight your name will carry to the accusations. People can still be odd, and say bad things about your character and protect the monster.

  If it will be good for your healing you should do it in your own name i think. Otherwise, just do it. Make other mothers wary to take steps to protect their children just in case they may beleive you.

  Make no mistake, it is a brave and courageos road to go down, some will shun you, threaten you or worse, some will admire you for it. You will get less names of girls sent your way. But the one above will still send you the right girl who will recognize your strenghts for what they are and admire you for it.

  I wish you a pleasant time to find your basherte and not a difficult one, either decision you make. (I would consider a shidduch with a man of your character, but I do know many wouldn’t, they are probably the majority).

  Please don’t delay in publicizing the predator, you can do so anonmously and add your name later if you decide to. Some little boy is counting on you.

  Why not also contact other abused men who have gone public and see what it was like for them?

• a mother

  As a mother who wants the best for her child I will honestly tell you no. I would not want an abused son in law. This is not personal and I respect you deeply for all the work you did to overcome your abuse.

  I dont want to hurt you but I am trying to be completely honest and answer the question you asked.

  I could not knowingly allow my child who was raised in a normal healthy environment go into a marriage with someone who went through such trauma.

• Haddasah Luk

  As a victim of abuse myself I would take you as a son in law. However, I am not sure why you feel you must publicize your own name. Just to make it his word against your word? I’ve shared with those that need to know that I was molested but I don’t shout it from the rooftops.

• Don-t do it

  The shidduch system can very cruel, people are rejected for nonsense like looks , height, complexion, past health issues, parents health issues….
  Anyone can say do it & publicize your name but they’d never make a shidduch with you or at least their parents won’t .
  Expose the molester but don’t hurt yourself in the process. Don’t continue being his victim.

• neveralone

  dear mendel,
  first of all i cant tell you how impressed i am that you faced what you went through and went for therapy, that is tremendous! just a few things i want to point out; while you definently should publicize the abusers name, i dont think you should make your name public. for one thing, are you not afraid the abuser will be mad and try to get you?! (maybe its just my victims mind talking, but speak to someone who is knolegable in these things!) as far as shidduchim; the girl herself may be very suportive of if it, but her parents may be more wary. on the other hand i dont feel a person should get engaged without revealing such information and should tell the girl after the first few dates. and if its not ok with her you dont want to marry her anyways, you deserve to marry someone who will respect you, understand and love you davka for what you went through and what you over came! personally i would marry someone who was abused and went to therapy, as long as they were open and truthfull and allowed me to speak to thier therapist to see if it affected them in any way that would be damaging to a marriage… much hatzlocha and bracha, may you feel Hakadosh Baruch Hu guiding you always!

• not everything needs to be shared.

  there are some opinions that certain things like these should NOT be shared with a spouse. If all is going well , and the victim has recovered- it may be counter-productive. i personally know of a man who shared this secret with his wife. she was totally thrown off, disgusted and did not know how to deal with this info. they ended up getting divorced. the same holds true for other ‘secrets’ one has done in his pre-marital yrs. they often harm a relationship, unfortunately!

• Hashem gives tests to his most beloved..

  You are not damaged, you are a strong, amazing young man. To answer, it depends on what is most true for you. Naming the man publicly is the right action to take because it shows true ahavas yisrael in protecting other children. Naming yourself gives courage to others – each time someone comes forward, it takes a little bit of the stigma away. This may not culminate with your revelation – it may be another brick in the foundation for klal yisrael. Only you can decide if you have this patience, if this situation has been given to you for this purpose. Do you want to be a pioneer? Either way, do what is most true for you right now. As to a shidduch, marrying a girl and into a family who will truly love and accept you unconditionally is the best way to ensure a wonderful marriage. If you keep your name private, you will most likely marry someone similar – if you make your name public, you will most likely marry someone similar in this way. So you get to decide who you want to be – no guilt, no judgment. P.S. I agree w/ 43, 21 sounds like a real pedophile and phony. And 30 is no mother I’d want to have. Forgiveness has nothing to do w/ the perpetrator – it has to do w/ moving forward in your life w/out bitterness. Hatzlacha and yesher koach

• For # 21

  Do you have children? Nieces? Nephews? Can you stop for a minute and think about something? What would you do, how would you feel, if someone molested one of them? What would you say? Honestly, do you really believe what you wrote in your message? Really. Take a good look at yourself, and then tell us that you maintain your original message. And may G-d have rachmonas on any young person you know.

• yoseph

  dear mendel: you could see that manny people unswer your very well put together letter, i am a victim too, and I could be your father since my older child is 28, i had therapy for manny years and it help a lot. I never spock openly about it with my family.
  my advice do not get public and as soon you date, if is going real talk with her about it.
  yes do something for the others, the monster has to be stoped.
  yor therapy has to keep going, because the abuse was in the early years.
  Dont protect the monster, because even that happend in my case over 40 years ago sometimes dreams come, even that my monster is already dead.
  bless you with a lot hatzlocha and i wish that i had then the srengh and g.. that you ave.
  good luck and hashem should bless you with a great shiduch