You know those dates where five minutes in you know this is absolutely not for you? Where an entire night could have been saved and much time and energy spared, if only you met the guy for three minutes before anything started cooking?
Op-Ed: If I Were a Shadchan…
You know those dates where five minutes in you know this is absolutely not for you? Where an entire night could have been saved and much time and energy spared, if only you met the guy for three minutes before anything started cooking?
Those dates should never come to be. If the person setting you up truly knew you – not a paper, not a family, not your friends – but you, these situations would never occur.
I’m not trying to change the way the system runs.
I’m not trying to stage a revolution.
I’m only trying to improve.
I’m proposing a few practical tips to smooth the path that is already in place.
So… If I were a shadchan, here a couple of things I would do:
1) When I’m first contacted by a parent, I would, of course, listen to what s/he has to say in regards to what the child wants, but I would then insist upon speaking to the girl/boy as well. As well as a parent may know his/her child, and as close as they may be, the way a parent describes a desirable match will almost always be different than the way the child would express him/herself. I believe it is important to speak to both parents and children – both about how the girl/boy would describe him/herself, and about what exactly he/she wants in a spouse. How can a person set two people up without ever having spoken to them?
2) And not just speaking – but meeting face to face. A successful match is formed through chemistry and compatible energies. Take two people who on paper seem to be very similar – worldly but chassidish, went through the system, is hardworking, motivated, sweet, friendly, generous… This description can fit many – What makes each of the many unique? Their vibes, the way they express themselves, their manners (not etiquette – but the way they move their hands, the expressions they make…) – all the things that one simply cannot give over to another through speech – a person has to see these things in order to know. How can someone claim to know a person well enough to set them up without ever having met?
3) When receiving a resume, I would scan the info on top and then go straight to the references at the bottom. I believe it is important for a shadchan to know the person h/she is dealing with very well – both from personal interaction and from how others would describe the said person. So as tedious as it may be, I would call every reference on the list, and then some who aren’t; I would take notes, compare, contrast, and thereby gain a perspective of who this person is to the world. Some say calling references is a waste of time – true, if you’re calling the reference and leaving it at that. But if you call many people and then compare notes – and after doing so, matching that to what you inferred while meeting the prospect face to face, you will get a pretty clear picture of what this person is about. Yes, it may seem like spending a lot of time and it does takes lots of patience, but it will pay off in the end.
Surprises happen – rarely do we marry exactly who we thought we would, but we have to do our best and eliminate as much senseless frustration as possible.
So that’s what I would do if I was a shadchan – but I’m not…
…So those of you who take this great responsibility upon yourselves, please do your job well.
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Just Wondering :)
Why should the shadchan do all that ?
Why not the parents?
Observer
Shadchanim are self appointed people. There is no system.
Shadchanim can be used by you, or shadchanim can use you. If shadchanim are one of your approaches then you are “using” them.
If you deliver yourself into their hands, then the latter applies.
Too many people treat a shidduch as an entitlement. At the end of the deal, that is true. It is not so at the beginning. You need to get out there and do some serious search and research (hishtaadlus). You cannot sit back and say Hashem owes it to me. OK, so no one says that. But how many act as if they think that?
Chazal tell us that every creature has its parnassah of food. So does the human. Does that mean we can sit around and wait for the food? We need to do something. Something realistic.
Best wishes to all those in the “struggle zone”, may you give besuros tovos – soon and smooth.
to 1
It’s the shadchan that gets paid, my dear.
DaasTorah
Shadchanim- matching up two people who the only thing they might have in common in they have a pulse.
For hire
I think properly paid shadchanim could help some people. Then they could set up a service with professional practices, and get paid for their time. Everyone wins. The parents and young people will get proper communication and vetting of prospects. The shadchanim will make the time because they are paid for it, and it is their actual job. For many this style is unecessary, maybe they have enough friends looking out that they don’t need this. For others, parents are busy or don’t have enough connections wonder if someone could try this just as an experiment just to see how well it works.
To no. 1 and no. 3
The shadchan gets about $1000.00 from each side. That makes his earnings about $2000.00 for possibly 5 or 6 phone calls. Many people would be very happy with that kind of pay.
And some shadchanim would only work for a side that can offer more than $1000.00 for the shidduch. So if you offer $4000.00 or $5000.00 than the shadchan cares about you and works for you. Otherwise you are not worth his time.
But as consumers as a whole we should be demanding a lot more for our money. If for example 100 shidduchim are done during the year that is a $200,000.00 revenue. With that sort of money on the table, people should not be treated with regards to shidduchim as they are currently being treated by shadchanim.
Great article
Well said. The parents have to do their part and research, but the shadchan has to do her part and make appropriate suggestions.
Shadchen
Esther Caplan doesn’t set anyone up with out meeting them she is the best shad hen around!!!!!
to 2
doing your hisdaldus has nothing to do with being realistic, and with expecting a shadchan to do a job properly.
for #2, another observer
I agree that everyone needs to do their histadlus. But the bitachon needs to be in hashem, not in the natural effort. Hashem does not “owe” anyone anything but only he can know what a person truly wants and needs. What’s realistic to one person may be unrealistic to another. What’s unrealistic for one may be very realistic and real for another. And it’s very hurtful to the single to hear that they should drop something so essential. And says who? A lot of time people who don’t really know them well. It’s a relative term every person needs to speak to his or her mashpia. Someone may have something that’s important to him or her that may be seemingly unimportant or unrealistic to a superficial observer. Anyone other then a Mashpia can not know/tell what a single should be looking for. Speaking to a Mashpia is in itself histadlus. We need to be very careful with these things. Shadchanim and casual friend (and sometimes even close friends) can not give advice based on what they “observe” to be causes of this shidduch challenge we are faced with. PS. Most singles do not act as if Hashem owes it to them, on the contrary they may have put in so much effort that now they have to take a break to avoid further burnot.
fcb
you should know who you are making a shidduch with. Ive heard that some people have gotten their kids married happily, only to find out that one of them has borderline personalety disorder, and thats really a lifetime of struggels to say the least.
I also would say that I hope they daven when they do this. Our frum doctors daven that they should heal people, and the shadchanim should daven for emese shidduchim
B&T
their should be seperate shadchonim for BT’S i think
Stevel
“So that’s what I would do if I was a shadchan – but I’m not…”
Why not?
Thinkster
If I were a rich man….yeidle didle deidle deidle yeidle didle deidle dum.
All day long I’d spend my time online – if I were a wealthy man. Hey!
To #3
STOP blaming – An action on your part is worth more than….many sighs and COMPLAINTS
mendel
is that picture from fiddler on the roof??
shlomo as always with bad English
for my experience in Israel and CH official, and nonofficial big office, or cheap apartment -doesn’t matter. if you give upward , even penny (for stamps? etc) you will never ever heard from him after that………………….
to all that speak about money
if someone want $2000 at least, from both , and don’t want spend even 2hr IMHO this person is thief! isn’t so?
A FORMER shadchan
I can not believe this drivel!!! I have worked in Shidduchim, to date made 5. It is HARD! For every shidduch that I made, I think I have set up about 30 that didnt. I dont know any shadchan that makes $200k a year. Shidduchim are KOSHE K’Krias yam suf. It is ingrates like some of these comments that make it so unappealing to do the hard work that shidduchim entails. The fone rings at all hours. Shadchanim have lives you know. IF there would be more hakoras hatov, then perhaps people would be willing to put themselves out more. AND WHO SAID THAT EVERYONE PAYS 1000 per side??? For one shidduch, I received a pair of earrings valued at $100!!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????
to#18
to #18“I received a pair of earrings valued at $100!!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????? ”
did you paid tax?
and what will happen if tax authority find somebody on SSA that get $200k and don’t paid tax? and why you former? and what you personal do ,if you child go for ex. to manpower agency pay $100 they promise to find good job and never call?
RD
We do not win. If we suggest we are in trouble for the mere sugestion. If we do not then we are called callous for not thinking.
chaim
Dear M.B.,
Brilliant, excellent, amazing idea….. in theory.
first of all nobody makes the kind of money people are suggesting here. even if shadchanim are averaging $2000 per shidachan and ther are 100 per year that means the industry makes $200,000. if there are 20 shadchanim each one averages $10 grand per year.
Don’t get me wrong shadchanim need to due their due diligence, and taking a list of 5 boys and 5 girls and drawing lines across to match them up is pathetic and sad.
Here is the problem with your theory.
How many boys are looking for a shiddach now? 750
How many girls are looking for a shiddach now? 1250
Thats 2000 people.
How people single or not due you know well enough to match them up?
I would say less then 15.
You can not expect a shaddchan to know 2000 people well enough to match them up. Besides the fact that a 10 or even 60 minute meeting cant possibly contain enough information to know if they would match up with another person you met for under an hour.
single
TO AUTHOR:
There are many singles that will not meet with shadchanim. I suggest if a shadchan would like to really know the prospective single, the proper thing would be to speak and/or meet with the prospect’s mashpiya (if that is their real intention, rather than push and influence the prospect with their suggestion, whom which their are campaigning for…)
shlomo as always with bad English
to #22 i read 3 article and most people say, that it only girl want shiduch and luck of bahorim???? strange most BT that i knew get from CH shadhaniyot answer. we don’t have enough girls(our girls it not for you) so how? we need open information system