Posted to Op-Ed on
by Aliza Bas Menachem

Op-Ed: Americanized Judasim Takes a Stab at Kotel Sanctity

Musician Moshe Yess was best known for his hit song My Zaidie. But Moshe has a treasure-chest full of songs. In his repertoire are songs he wrote and sang for children. I mention him now because his words are so appropriate to address my topic. To the Women of the Wall, I present an excerpt from one of Moshe Yess’ cherished children’s tunes with an adult message:

Do you want to know what’s wrong with that?
Chorus of Children: Please tell us.
You’re not happy with your share, you’re being jealous.
Shall I tell you what the Torah says?
Chorus of Children: Yes we wanna know.
Aizeh Who Ashir HaSameach B’Chelkow.
To be rich this is what you gotta do-oo,
Be happy with the share Hashem has given you.

The sects of Americanized Judaism have a male standard. Traditionally girls have a Bas Mitzvah at 12 years old and a boy has a Bar Mitzvah at 13. The age difference recognizes that normally girls mature at an earlier age than boys. But in Americanized Judaism, the girls have their Bat Mitzvah at 13. It’s a male standard. If the sects wanted to erase the uniqueness of each of the genders, and do so on an equal basis, the age would have been set at 12 and a half. But no, the benchmark goes according to the male.

In traditional Judaism, women have led the way in prayer. According to tradition it is Our Mother Rachel’s prayers that will stir Hashem to bring the Jews home from exile. It is Chana, mother of the Prophet Shmuel, who set the example for proper protocol in prayer. There is no reason to be ashamed of women’s prayers. No reason to be jealous of the prayer rituals that the men have instituted for themselves.

Men have an obligation to pray with a Minyan, in Tallis and Tefilin. The obligations include a separation from women and being out of ear shot of women’s voices, especially women singing. Some of the obligations are Halacha. Some are tradition.

In observing their obligations, customs and traditions have developed over the years and have been meticulously observed over time and around the globe. You might even say that some of the rituals are more like a men’s club than a religious obligation. But this is how they did it. They did not develop the traditions to be hostile to women. They were making their obligations pleasant and meaningful. I definitely think that women have a right to their own associations and, more simply put, to have their own space. I respect a man’s right to do the same. But in Americanized Judaism, where the women have to be like the men in order to have meaning in their life, women are driven to encroach on the world of men, or the women feel unfulfilled.

From my own experience, I find that women tend to socialize much easier than men. Through their obligation to pray with a Minyan, I have observed it gives men a chance to socialize. And frankly, the absence of women, allows the men to socialize more freely. It has a different feeling than when women are present. (You may wonder how I know if I am not there. I am there. I am behind the glass partition with one way glass.)

I am making two points here. One, that men’s space is not being respected. And two, that women feel the need to be like men in order to have a spiritual experience.

At the Kotel, the Women of the Wall have not tried to do their ceremonies on the men’s side. Although, they do pose a problem with loud singing, which men are not allowed to hear.

And, I did read that when the Women of the Wall performed their ceremonies at a different place, there were men together with them. This is worrisome, because if the Women of the Wall were given space by the Kotel, would they then argue the right to have men together with them? And it might even be allowed in Halacha because the women are allowed to see and hear the men during prayer. But it’s not fair. I like to pray on the women’s side and I get majorly upset when men invade my space. I am trying to communicate with Hashem and I find men on the women’s side distracting. They just don’t fit in. (When I’m not praying, it’s a different story. I may not want to be like a man – but I like the men in my life.)

The traditional way of praying has also been adopted by women. Traditional women have expressed their concern – outrage and fury – about changes Women of the Wall want to institute on the women’s side of the partition. Although the media predominately likes to give victim status to the Women of the Wall and the status of aggressor to the angry mob – I disagree – I think the angry mob are victims fighting back. When a women is a victim, she screams, kicks and bites. The angry women believe in the sanctity of the Kotel as being a site where Jewish women have prayed and cried for thousands of years. They cannot tolerate blatant disrespect for that sanctity. They are in pain. They feel they are being attacked. They are victims fighting back and being labeled aggressors.

Getting back to my point two, about women wanting to be like men. This has been reinforced by Americanized Judaism having a male standard. And I think it is tragic because it is a sign of women being unfulfilled and being jealous of their brothers. By stripping the women of their unique identity, Americanized Judaism has robbed them of a rich heritage. Keeping a kosher home, keeping the laws of family purity, organizing Shabbat and living with modesty. Praying appropriately and studying the vast wisdom of our sages. Mentoring and nurturing. A traditional life is full of feminine roles.

Six mornings a week I join a local Minyan. My day goes better if I start by Davening and saying Chitas. (Praying and saying the daily portion of the Torah, Psalms, Tanya and HaYom Yom.) My favorite part of the services is Zos HaTorah, when someone lifts up the Torah for all to see. I love the visual image as each person who lifts the Torah does it in his own way. But I have never felt jealous of the men.

And what about Hashem? In our prayers, especially on Rosh Chodesh, we praise Hashem and thank Hashem. To go to the bother of getting to the Kotel – where there is no parking – and then praise Hashem in a way that negates the values of generations of faithful Jews… I don’t get it. Are you saying? We do it our way whether Hashem likes it or not. And you want the devout Jews of Jerusalem to stand by and validate that behavior?

One of my favorite experiences is when I attend a program at the resting place of Rebbitzen Menucha Rochel. A group of women go there on a regular basis. We Daven together outdoors, while one of the women plays the flute. Then we go into a rustic building that is reconstructed from an ancient structure with huge stones. We enjoy pita, soup, salad and chocolate chip cookies. All homemade. We study together, laugh together, sing together with keyboard and harp accompaniment, and we join hands and dance together. It is one of those times that makes it easy to be Sameach B’Chelkow. Boruch Hashem. Thank you for not making me a man… or a woman who wants to act like one.

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32 Comments

  • Fresser Rebbe

    BH

    Does the Besht have a branch on Israel as well, talking about Americanized Chabadism

  • Andrea Schonberger

    Don’t blame “Americanized” Judaism for not keeping kosher, observing taharat ha-mishpachah, preparing for Shabbos, and dressing/living modestly. These roles are not strictly feminine as men are required to fulfill these obligations too. Be honest; how far is the wife going to get in having a Jewish home if her husband persist in bringing home treif, disregards taharat ha-mishpachah, watches television on Shabbos, and runs around half undressed acting in an unseemly manner? Not very and regardless of how pious the wife is, her husband, life most people, is going to do exactly what he wants. A person knows right from wrong and it’s a cop out to blame another person’s actions on your own moral failures. Nothing can distract you from being frum if you’re bound and determined.

  • MaidofCH

    Your article is spot-on. Unfortunately, you are just preaching to the choir. These kind of women aren’t going to read it, let alone listen to you.

    Why?

    Because none of these women fit in, period. Anywhere. Neither men’s nor women’s section. Since they don’t identify with the female role, they are trying to reconstruct a male role to fit their fantasy.

    Obviously these women need help, but I don’t know how redeemable they will be, since they are too wedded to their fantasy world.

    • Aliza BasMenachem Karp

      Thank you for reading my article and thank you for commenting.
      The Rebbe often uses a saying about energizing the energized. I am sorry I do not know the exact words. The message is similar to the importance of preaching to the choir. My feeling is that if you do not preach to the choir – someone else will.
      From the feedback I have gotten elsewhere – I think many in the choir are appreciating learning my perspective.
      And BTW – I am hoping it will be posted on sites that are widely read by people who are not in the choir.
      Kol Tuv, Aliza

  • Shliach

    The woman with the Teffilin, does her brother/husband/son wear them ? I once asked such a woman, if she ever did the one prayer that only a woman can make and not a man ? I explained that only a woman can make the Bracha – Al HaTevila when immersing in the Mikva. Men do not make a Bracha when going to Mikva. Let her first do the Mitzvos she is obligated to do before looking to do things that are more a political statement then a mitzva.

  • B

    thankyou Eliza, well worded, well meaning, potential for acceptance of content

    • Aliza BasMenachem Karp

      you are welcome – and thank you for reading my article and leaving a thoughtful comment!
      feedback is important to me.

  • Are these women wearing Tefillin& Tallit also carefull

    with the mitzvos the Torah asks them to do
    For Example: Being dressed in Tzniusdik Clothing while in a public area.

  • Dear author

    While it is plain to see that you are content and satisfied with your position in Judaism, not all women feel the same way.

    In general, people don’t like to play a passive role in anything in life. When people enlist in the military, they don’t want to be a desk clerk, they want to be a fighter pilot or a paratrooper. In Judaism, women feel that by playing an “active” role rather than a passive, behind-the-mechitzah role, they are closer to G-D.

    Telling a woman that by sitting at home and saying Tehilim and taking care of her children, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry she is doing just as much as the men who put on a Talis and Tefillin, go to Shul, read from the Torah, Daven three times a day, and wear Tzitzis and a Yarmulka is exactly like telling a military desk clerk that they are “protecting our country” in the same manner that a fighter pilot or a paratrooper does.

    Of course, you (the author) and other women who grew up in a frum home don’t feel this way, because you were ingrained since you were a child that this is a satisfactory and important role in life. But you cannot expect someone who did not grow up in a frum home, or even someone who grew up in a frum home but likes to think in an open-minded fashion, that they should just be “content” with their passive role in life.

    The women of todays generation feel differently. They want to play an active role in Judaism, and they want to play an active role in life. You need to find the places where women can play an active role, if it’s not going to be Talis and Tefilin, then find another way.

    • Ari

      Your first sentence is something people just can’t understand.

      It’s like asking people why are you different from us.

      I thought humans were complex.

    • Aliza BasMenachem Karp

      Dear ‘Dear Author,’
      Thank you for expressing your thoughts about my article. I will try to understand your points and address them. Your points are important and complex.
      What I am understanding from your first two paragraphs is that you are concerned about feelings. Different women feel different things and some women feel closer to G-d if they are not in the passive role behind the Mechitza.
      My personal experience behind the Mechitza is not passive. I take it seriously that I am saying the words that have been established by Jewish sages as prayers. I admit I skip a lot of the material. Even so I try to keep up with the service so I can answer appropriately at different times. I struggle to keep focused – especially when saying the Shma and the first paragraph of the Shmoneh Esrei. I think that women who want to do what the men are doing – are uninformed about the challenge and the importance of prayer. A woman’s prayer is not further from Hashem than a man’s prayer.
      I mention in the article that I go to a seven am Minyan. The men’s Tefilin and Talis are off well before eight am. If it is Rosh Chodesh, the service starts earlier so the first Minyan will be finished in time for the eight o’clock Minyan to start. The day does not end when the men put away the Torah and take off their prayer artifacts. Wearing Talis and Tefilin and getting an Alyiah are important – but it does not make one on the level of fighter pilot. There is much more to Judaism than what happens before eight in the morning.
      But I am skipping ahead. I had wanted to address the idea of feelings. Feeling close to G-d. I guess it is a matter of priorities. Should a woman offend tradition, and offend the men in her congregation because her feeling close to G-d is more important than tradition or respecting other people’s prayer?
      Do you accept the concept of men and women being wired differently? Can you accept that men get distracted by women? Can you respect the obligation of men to Daven – to the point that you will put aside your feelings so as not to distract them? If you feel that a woman’s feeling close to G-d are more important than what I asking in these questions, then I don’t have an answer for you.
      Then there is the question of who determines being close to G-d. Can G-d have a say in it or does it go according to how a women is feeling? If someone wants to get close to you and brings you a food you detest – is that a valid way to get close to you?
      I think I have said enough for now. But I like to clear up the matter of my upbringing. I had already graduated from a prestigious university in Canada with an Honors degree in Business, and had travelled Europe twice and hitchhiked to South America, before I had a clue about Judaism.
      I hope you think about what I have written here. I hope your mind and heart are open enough to let it in.
      Kol Tuv, Aliza

    • Baalas Teshuva

      Dear “Dear Author”

      There are many ways an individual person, or specifically a woman can be close to G-d. And in that point you are right, not every woman is happy simply sitting behind the mechitzah, but the question you have to ask yourself is, what are you doing on the other side of the mechitzah? Are you sitting and waiting for shul to be over, are you chatting with your neighbor, or are you taking the time to have a deep and meaningful conversation with G-d? Now I can tell you, having personally gone to shul almost every Shabbos for the past 4 years, that there are frum women that fit all three of the examples I gave above, but the majority were praying to G-d. Now, in contrast, the time I’ve spent in Conservative shuls (about 10 years), the vast majority of people were there either doing nothing, and waiting for the Rabbi’s speech, or were talking. Now of course there were some women who were actually praying, but I personally was always so distracted by the talking that it was hard for me to concentrate. So, yes women can connect to G-d in many different ways, and for some women that is going to shul, and davening with a minyan and hearing the Torah being read, and for others it is seeing G-d’s hand in nature, or in their lives, and praising Him for all that He does for them. There are many ways people see and pray to G-d, and thats why you have Sefardim, Litvitsh, Chabad, Chassidim, etc, who all have a slightly different way of praying and connecting to G-d.

      Now, onto another point you made about how men put on “Talis and Tefillin, go to Shul, read from the Torah, Daven three times a day, and wear Tzitzis and a Yarmulka”. That is true, but I ask you in all honesty, how many women do you know, who believe they should be able to wear Tallis and Tefillin actually take on to fully keep all the mitzvos that are specifically commanded to men?

      Listen, G-d gave all of the Jewish people 613 Mitzvos, and it is impossible for any one Jew to keep all of them, and that is simply because not everyone is a Cohen, Nazir, King, Man, Woman, married, divorced, a widow, have children, living in Israel, a farmer, etc. The point is, that we are all supposed to work together in harmony to keep all the 613 mitzvos, because some of them simply don’t apply to me, so I need you to do the ones that apply to you, and I’ll do the ones that apply to me, and Mr. Cohen will do the ones that apply to him, and together we will do the will of Hashem. But please, lets not be trying to do the Mitzvos that were not intended for me personally, because frankly, I have no desire to take on extra mitzvos, when I already have so many of my own that I am obligated to keep. And when I’ve mastered all of those, then I will work on perfecting them, and especially on perfecting myself and making myself a better person. There are simply too many mitzvos for me to be trying to take on all 613, when many don’t apply to me.

      Finally, I just would like to point out, that there are many, many people (and the number is certainly rising) who did not grow up in a religious environment, who were NOT “ingrained since you were a child that this is a satisfactory and important role in life”, but rather came to see the beauty in Traditional Judaism and all it has to offer. Not to mention, how empowering Traditional Judaism is for women, specifically.

      I beg you to spend some time, as an anthropologist (with an open mind, simply observing, and not judging) within a frum women’s environment. I hope you will be able to see the true beauty of Judaism, and I hope that everyone, irregardless of their religious ideals, remember that first you should start with love and accepting of ALL Jews, and when you have an open heart, G-d will fill it.

    • Jenni Menashe

      When I was thirsty and wanted more Judaism in my life, no one at my Conservative Synagogue spoke to me about Shabbat or Kashrut. The Rabbi didn’t keep them and it would have cause ‘trouble’ at home. I was handed a talit and told to read from the Torah, I was given tefilin and asked to come and make up a minyan in the mornings. As someone who has been through it, I say let’s start with the mitzvot that women are obligated in and that don’t break down the barriers with the rest of the Jewish world. Tikun Olam is a big one, caring for our fellow man. There are many many things that need to be repaired. If the tefila option is the one that stirs you then try, as the author suggests a women’s tehilim or prayer group, there are loads of them but no one bothers to let you know the options. It took me many years to figure it out, what a shame.

  • Yisroel

    Excellent article, well written and makes the point in line with the Rebbe’s teachings.These so-called Women of he wall are serving themselves with their ceremonies, not HaShem.

  • Disgusting

    Please take down the offensive picture. I didn’t bother reading the article, but the picture makes me nauseous. Erev Tisha B’Av I don’t think this apikorsus should be displayed. We get the idea without having to see it IRL.

    Signed

    A woman FOR the Wall.

  • Hi Aliza

    i really enjoyed every word of your article and especially comment no. 12. Keep it up and write more!

    a Montrealer

  • Little Torah, Little Torah...

    … Let me hold you tight
    Teach me, teach me
    All the mitzvos
    so I may do right
    Torah teaches every Jew
    **everything that we must do **
    Torah, Torah I love you!

    Poor little Torah in the picture above, being held by women who only want to glorify themselves and couldn’t give 2 hoots for what is written inside!

  • The Opposite of Feminism

    Not to minimize any sincere, well meant efforts on behalf of the women in the picture.. But, in general, wearing a Talis- for what reason? As a woman it bothers me to see other women mistakenly feel that they have to be like men in order to feel fulfilled – and it doesn’t work- fulfillment comes from being everything YOU can be, not by being someone else. For some who have not delved deeply enough into the wisdom of Torah, it’s not enough that the privileges and obligations for men and women are custom made for each and set out clearly in the written or oral law and fulfilling them makes you perfect in G-d’s eyes. Unfortunately, some women feel that they need to look ‘right’ to others or subconsciously satisfy a fragile or insecure ego. They forget about the meaning of soul and connection to G-d which is the ultimate purpose of all spiritual endeavors. If the men are wearing it then the women need to wear it in order to feel validated. Does that sound liberated? Not to me.

  • Chad

    “From my own experience, I find that women tend to socialize much easier than men. Through their obligation to pray with a Minyan, I have observed it gives men a chance to socialize. And frankly, the absence of women, allows the men to socialize more freely.”

    Socializing is not a custom for men. Praying with a Minyan is straight Halacha.

  • annoyed

    at least put on the tefillin correctly if it is so important to you (crooked and off center). This is so obviously a political statement and not love of Mitzvos…..

  • A complaint to Aliza Karp

    Many of us watch you every morning come to shul and just blatantly walk through all the men to get yourself a coffee. The Rav has asked you not to do it but yet you just continue this untznius behavior.

    Kshot atzmecho.. Before you start giving mussar to others it would be worth while for yourself to correct your ways……..

  • Anonymous

    “From my own experience, I find that women tend to socialize much easier than men. Through their obligation to pray with a Minyan, I have observed it gives men a chance to socialize” Prayerwith a minyan is not for socialization.
    .”One of my favorite experiences is when I attend a program at the resting place of Rebbitzen Menucha Rochel. A group of women go there on a regular basis. We Daven together outdoors, ”
    There is no need for women to dvaen together – it is not a minyan. Have you asked a Rav about this?
    Also,The Gemara (Berachos 34b) writes that it is wrong to daven in an open field. Rashi says that one doesn’t feel fear of the King in an open field, Tosafos,says that passers-by might disturb a person’s davening. The Magen Avraham rules that the problem is that davening outside makes a haugty statement: “Even though there are passers-by, they will not disturb my intent in davening!” This is arrogant and wrong.
    The Shulchan Aruch rules that one should not daven in an open place,
    These women by the wall are tinokim. They need to learn that there are special things for Jewish women, such as Rosh Chodesh and the three mitzvos given especially for women, and the reasons why these are for women. They also need to know about the laws of the bais hamikdosh and the ezras nashim.

  • moshe yess

    Was a great singer. Obm.
    But this song is sung by the great Abie Rottenberg yibadeil lechayim tovim arukim ubri’im

    • Aliza BasMenachem Karp

      you are correct – what a mistake!
      it was on the Middos tapes where both of them sang.
      but I remember Sharon Yess singing it to the kids – so to me it is a Yess family song :)

  • Very important article

    To ” a complaint”
    Shocking.
    To publicly write something negative.
    Right before tisha b’av.
    There could have been more discreet ways to
    Ask in privacy.
    Shocking.
    The new lows of a community.
    No egos involved. Hmmm
    Exactly what the Rebbe wants I’m sure. Hmmm
    Crown heights.info shocked u don’t filter your comments for basic ahavas Yisroel.

    • Anon

      Why should crownheights.info practice censorship? It doesn’t seem right, this is not a communist country.

  • for newcomers to this site - Aliza

    The comments by Complaint and Anonymous concern me as far as readers who are not regular visitors to this website. Once something is on the internet, I try to be careful that it will not be misleading.
    The comments I referred to portray an uneducated and hostile attitude towards women. Although I am sure they are written by the same person – even if not – the attitude is similar enough to treat them as one comment. To these comments, my existence in Shul is considered not Tznius.
    For the most part, the men who come to Daven do not pay any attention to me. The leaders/organizers of the Shul are supportive of my attendance and treat me with respect and modest friendship. But I know there are one or two, maybe three, men who are irked by my presence. To those men, a Mechitza does not help. You can put the women on the moon and if the men cannot take women out of their minds, it won’t help. That I walk through all the men while a group of them are watching me take thirty seconds to fill a small styrofoam cup with decaf and sugar, hot water and milk, is a fantasy. Absurd to the point of being humorous. But there are men who are hostile towards women. And they do cloak it in righteous terms. If the majority of men were like this – I might have to consider joining the Women of the Wall. But the majority are not. And the minority are not. It is really so few and I understand they are troubled souls.
    As for women not being allowed to Daven together and not being able to Daven at Rebbitzen Menucha Rochel. These are not issues.
    I do not want readers to think that there is a question of whether or not women are allowed to Daven together. In Beis Rivkah High School in Crown Heights the girls Daven together, as I am sure they do at all girls schools and camps and conventions.
    I want to add that if author of these comments posts a rebuttal. I will not be answering. I think this comment will be sufficient.
    An easy fast to all – and may we break it together – men together with men, women together with women, on the open field of Machpela in Hevron with Moshiach!

  • A complaint to Aliza Karp

    To # 28 Sorry you don’t care for the comment But obviously you and most of the readers are unaware who Aliza Karp is:
    She is NOT I repeat NOT what she pretends to be in the article(s) she wrote(writes) She acts like a holier then thou person but really she is a deeply misguided person who is NOT in line with halacha and snubs her nose to Rabbonim.
    She has caused much machlokos in the communities she has lived in…………