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Op-Ed: Love Your Jewish Sister, Dress Modestly!

by Malka Leah Pearl

My best friend Shevi called me the other day, distressed over the shul her husband started attending. “Malka, you can’t imagine what the women are wearing there,” she said. “Yes I can,” I sadly replied. “He loves the davening, but I feel nervous with him going there,” she continued. “I tried to discuss it with him, but he likes the shul and doesn’t want to stop going. I totally understand, but why should he have to see women dressed that way?”

A little background on Shevi: Attractive woman, “put together,” dresses modestly but stylish. Solid marriage, faithful husband. She’s not a shlump, and there’s no reason for her husband to look elsewhere. But let’s face it, ladies, when we don’t dress or act as we should, we are not only setting a poor example, we are causing strife between husbands and wives.

While I have always felt strongly on this topic, I was never tempted to speak out until now. I am angry that my friend has to feel nervous about her husband going to Shul. I am sad that women feel it’s okay to leave their houses looking like this.

Ladies, we all want to look beautiful, but certain styles are best reserved for private times, not for Kingston Avenue (and kal v’chomer not for shul!). Please, have rachmanous. Know that when you dress that way, you are mamesh hurting other women, and threatening Jewish marriages.

Love your Jewish sister by dressing as a Bas Chabad should!

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51 Comments

  • he will if he wants to

    What about loving oneself enough not to dressy immodestly? Also, there is a mehitza in shul for a reason. Also, husbands see immodestly dressed women all the time. On the bus, on the street, at work, etc. If I husband is going to do something he shouldn’t do, he’ll do it whether or not women are dressed in shul.

  • Is this real?

    This is ridiculous. Let’s say this Op-ed is genuine. If Shevi is worried about her husband straying because he sees untznius women in Shul, she’d better lock him up so he never goes out…anywhere.

    FYI I am one of the very anti-Chabad-Lite posters on other threads but this is just too outrageous. Shevi needs to get her marriage in order (I’m no therapist but I think she needs one) because if her husband is so easily influenced or she’s so neurotic they have big problems.

  • from a husbend father who cares

    anough with the dress already. we make such a fuss over it that every1 knows including kids etc. stay abve it learn chsidus and the way of a chasidus life then you wont notice it all and pepole will be more ready to hear it from the rite mashpim. i dont thing in 40 years the rebbe spoke about it 4 time maybe. so why do i need to feel like am in Beni brack posters all over the place. thats all they talk about. tzur merah. this is not the way of chabad. i thing if the websits will stop this it will be a better in the streets. no woman who sees this will change her way or mind. it just cliks their mind oway and make them angre.

  • great idea, wrong method

    All these op-eds go nowhere. It makes a noise, 500 comments, and life continues. Do u think someone will read it and say “you know, I really must change”? All these op-eds accomplish are great shabbos table discussions.

    People need inspiration, not an impersonal venting of frustration on the web. Teachers need to educate the children to inspire the parents. Friends need to get together to learn something with each other, anything (and maybe davka not about tznius). Just by learning something holy creates a sense of aidlekeit which can bring about change.

  • Don-t judge the author so harshly

    I understand this a little more because one should expect a SHUL of all places to be a “safe” environment. You can’t expect that in the rest of the world, but come on- a shul?!
    To #2, they don’t have big problems, but why put an obstacle when not needed? If her husbands looks, that is normal. If he thinks, unfortunately that is also normal. That’s why we have mechitsas.
    There are lots of men with problems, whether at work, on the internet, and I guess perhaps now at shul.
    Truth is- who are these very untzniusdike females trying to impress?

  • I agree

    Great point!
    The Gemara says, if the Yetzer hara meets you, shlep him to the nearest shul or beis medrash! Nowadays, there he is waiting for you on the stairs, in the lobby, at the Kiddush, dressed like…..

  • M-Shulem G-dalya Gumber

    Dear Malkah Leah,

    You and your dear friend, the attractive-and-not-shlumpy Shevi should both seek out a good therapist/counselor.

    I’m not sure what your life (and marriage) is like or what type of life your friend who has “Solid marriage, faithful husband. [and ]she’s not a shlump”, but you do need serious help.

    If you want to fix tznius in crown heights, stop with this baby bickering and finding problems. Cut it out. Grow up. Smile at the other attractive women in the shul that your husband likes to daven in, become friendly and open your mind to accepting other people. You will feel a lot better about yourself.

    M’Shulem G’dalya Gumber
    Non Gezhe, lubavitcher chossid
    who live in crown heights

  • Insane Statement

    “Attractive woman, “put together,” dresses modestly but stylish. Solid marriage, faithful husband. She’s not a shlump, and there’s no reason for her husband to look elsewhere.”
    This seems to connote that if she was not put together it would be more understandable why the husband may wish to look elsewhere. This is a ridiculous statement!!

  • good articale!

    i dont know but i think comment one and two missed the point!
    read it again and if your getting deffenssive then its probably one of you who goes to shul dressed like that!
    when a man sees women outside who are undressed non jews and sometimes jews he knows to block it. shmiras ayniem its called.
    but when he gbecomes part of a shull and freindly with all the husbands of undressed ladies his wall of defense is broken.
    hey his wife is very beautiful mayb mine should really change her wardrobe, you know mini skirt with a slit up to the waist. i mean what couyld be wrong look these women are good jewish wifes. right?! he took his firt small step down hill!
    if you still ont understand what the articale means you should speak to rav maybe you might be haveing the problem all these women have.

  • I agree with...

    I completely agree with you #2!
    Shevi, if you are worried about your husband straying then maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at your marriage. Why would he stray? It’s human nature for men to look. That’s a given. That is why we have tznius. But, although the women probably should dress more modestly that is not the issue. The real issue here is, sadly to say, you. If you are worried about your husband then talk with him. Voice your opinions. If he wants to daven in a shul where there is a proper mechitza I reall do not see a problem with it.
    On the other hand, if the problem is that seeing these women excites him, well, then add more to your marriage and be done with it. Be open and honest with each other. If he’s faithful to you and is merely commenting on what he sees then thereis not problem.
    Be secure in yourself and secure in your marriage

  • Not the point:

    Regarding the comments here: “Shevi and her marital issues” –is not the point here.

    The point is: if you love your sister, you will dress modestly

  • be honest with your self

    to #1,if you love yourself,trully,you don’t need to flaunt your self.this is what the rebbe tells us essentially.
    to #11,what do you mean the women probably should? or we already at such an ambiguous point?
    it is foolish for any women dressed provacativly to think she may not be effecting men other then her husband and that’s just disgusting.there i said it.

  • True Ahavas Yisroel

    Men are aroused by a women’s anatomy. That’s how Hashem made them. Compassionate women go out of their way not to exacerbate their yetzer hara. Now that’s true ahavas Yisroel!!

  • shlomo

    it new(renew) war give good result! 10 days, from chabad-lite, we forget all avoda zora, tzfatim, moshihistim etc, and discuss really important things

  • Trying to help

    # 10 you are so right… People writing here have no clue of wats going on in the community and how it’s destroying ALL families.
    The ONLY way this can change, is the schools making rules, if a mother is seen in the street looking like… (whatever the rule is) then the kid will not be allowed to come back…
    There are such rules in other frum communities and it works. (if I’m not mistaken Bnos Menachem has/had such a rule.

  • From a male shul member

    I take pride in how my wife dresses and she does not stoop to the dress level of our neighbors across the brooklyn bridge. When I see women who don’t put too much emphasis on the how much material to include, it endears me to my wife.

    When I saw “isha yiras haShem hi tishalul” I actually try to believe it.

  • Let-s call a spade a spade.

    No women is destroying another person’s marriage when she steps out into the street dressed inappropriately. Men have the responsibility to guard their eyes too. If Shevy can’t trust her husband to go to shul lest it damage him, then either she has a trust issue, or he has an issue with guarding his eyes. Does she trust him when he walks out into the street?

    Bottom line: To protect their kedusha, women should dress tznius even when there are no men present, and men should not look at women regardless if they’re dressed tznius or not.

  • Me

    This article was written by a 3rd party, someone who “actually” knows very little about her friend’s marriage, and nothing about the way it is behind closed doors. In one sentence she asserts that the fact that he’s a faithful husband, and then she goes on to say how uncomfortable his wife is with him being around “those other women” and how this may be destroying their marriage. Only his wife (if at all) would know how faithful he is or isn’t, and if she has real concern for him, he may, perhaps, have something to work on. If their marriage is being destroyed, it’s only because he’s choosing to look, etc. That’s pretty basic.

  • Why are you writing this?

    How much does his wife trust him? Does he earn her trust? Only she would know…

  • Look within your own self.

    If she is worried about her husband going to the shul where there are women who, for real world purposes, are dressed quite modestly, I wonder how worried she is when her husband goes on the train to Manhattan. She obviously has a huge trust/insecurity/low self esteem/ controlling issue and should seek professional help or even better – marriage counseling.

  • tmuch more to it

    A great article and we can all work on ourselves however cheating goes way beyond someone looking attractive . There are times when whoverer a person is cheating with will be less attractive then their spouse, there is much more to it.

  • Anonymous

    I find it so difficult to read these responses. I don’t know if English is a second language for many but I find the misspellings tough to deal with. What some need is to go back to elementary school to learn spelling! Learn the basics! Then write your opinions that can be understood!

  • to no. 19

    to no. 19 yes u . Other communities???? Since when do WE follow other communities. You are not chabad. and dont try to convince that u are Ugh ugh and ugh

  • True!

    The article is gr8, written respectfully and totally true.
    Sad that it has to come to this!
    Kol Hakavod for speaking up!

  • BUURRRNN-EM!!

    Yey! Burnnn the whitches! jajajaj joking… anyways… there are full tv channels if someone interested about modeling etc…but now its simplier because having a tv its not ok…humm so you know what…. YESS!!! thats the idea!!!! Bring IT to Shulll!!! Yesss!!! Ohhh im sure H’ will be glad that everybody is provoking their friends husbands…the problem with inmodest dressing is that women dont really know that it IS a problem…men DO get distracted with it and they/we DO have a yetzer constantly shooting at us…do they/we really need more of it even during the short time they/we are triying to conect to the Oibishter??

    n’wNow!

  • ENOUGH with the nonsense!

    I’ve had it with all the comments of obviously those of u who dress so immodest that you think it’s ok to walk around the way you do! IT IS UNACCEPTABLE to show your goods to the men in this neighborhood. I am not a rebbetzin, but i must say to those of you who behave this way, YoU CROSSED A BIG RED LINE!!!!! To the point that you think it’s the “man’s fault” if he is such a big tzadik then he should’t look. Do you even realize that there is a reason why we are supposed to dress and behave modestly???????? Don’t you have any shame to pick up your son’s from schook and talk to his rebbe the way you look? If you don’t see that then you’re the one who should seek a therapist. Go get help!

  • yetzer hoara

    A man is a man with a big taavah. Just understand what a man is and start covering up to protect us all!

  • We all need to be honest with ourselves

    B”H
    Standing outside of Beis Rivkah I saw a mother walk in to get her daughter. She was dressed in a skin tight leopard dress with a belt around the waste. Her elbows, knees, and neckline may have been covered but who would notice. I saw a non-Jewish man fully checking her out. Head turning and all, with his mouth open. Who are we kidding? I promise you, THIS IS NOT THE ATTENTION YOU WANT!
    Each one of us should take one step to refine our own wardrobe. Get rid of two garments that we know are questionable. Let’s all try and do something more then we did yesterday.

  • DONT STICK YOUR HEADS IN THE SAND!

    IMPROPER THOUGHTS CAN ENTER EVEN THE HOLIEST OF MEN, WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD DRESS TZNIUS- ONE WHO LACKS THE SENSITIVITY TO DO SO, IS SELFISH, AND DISRESPECTFUL.-ESPECIALLY IN A SHUL!
    WHY DO WOMEN FEEL THE NEED TO FLAUNT EVEN WHEN THEYRE GOING TO DAVEN???

  • Sorry lady

    Your friend just has to get it together. Stop worrying. New York is full of beautiful women. Does she not like the competition? Muslim girls in Somalia are told that it’s their problem if a man sins because she exposed some skin. In our society, under Jewish law, individuals are responsible for their actions. You can’t blame others for your husband’s shortcomings.

  • MENDEL ........ SHEVAS HUSBAND

    I AM SORRY TO ALL YOU READERS AND POSTS. I DID NOT THING MY WIFE WOULD TELL HER FRIEND MALKA . BUT I MUST TELL U THE TRUTH .
    THERE IS A 8 FOOT MACITZA IN THE SHULL . ON PRESIDENT
    AND U CANT EVEN PEEK ..
    SO DONT BASH THE SHULL ITS A GR8 PLACE TO DAVEN

  • Midwestern Mama

    I live in the Midwest and we have a very good sense of tzniusdik dressing here. Most of our girls are dressed modestly and continue to do so through high school, semindary and marriage. But many have come back from spending time in CH looking very cheap and immodestly dressed. They all say that they don’t want to look “nerdy”. That their new way of dressing is just the way girls/women dress in CH. It’s the style there and it is what is expected of them.

  • Sara

    We should be really, really happy when women come to shul who have tsnius … issues.

    These women could easily be sleeping all day or be tempted to be mechalel Shabbos. Instead, they are choosing to better themselves by being Jewishly involved. You know that shul will help them grow. Not shopping and certainly not the movies.

    Think about THAT !!!

  • Yaffa

    Pretty sure all shuls in Crown Heights have mechitzas. And pretty sure that the shul people are not-so-subtly alluding to has a very tall, completely opaque, bullet-proof mechitza. The end.

    Not to diminish the importance of tznius. It’s very important. Mamish.

  • The title said it better than the rest:

    Love your Jewish sister, dress modestly.
    Stop competing with your fellow women (that’s what immodesty is) and start loving them.
    Stop making your fellow sister feel insecure, by out-dressing her (by under dressing yourself).
    Immodesty is ego coming between a girl/woman and her fellow women/sisters etc.

    Immodesty comes from and reinforces insecurity in the person dressing immodestly.
    Immodesty destroys a persons own self-worth in their own eyes and the eyes of others (jading a person [ayin hara]).
    It reinforces a persons outlook to be of the material and not of the essence of themself and others.

    Having seen the video promoting the women’s tznius sale over the summer, using tag-lines citing ‘Chabad’ totally opposite everything Chabad stands for. The women that perpetrated this self-advancement to the detriment of those around them, demonstrated their lack of Emunah in Hashem and Torah (which is more intellectual than emotional), and/or even a basic comprehension of the halachos that relate to them, making false statements about Torah as if they’re an authority to make any such statement (as you’re local Rabbi or even smicha’d male who at-least puts in some effort into research).
    These women deserve (despite the lack of a mechanism to implement it) to be ejected from the neighborhood in which they live. More-so they are an embarrassment to themselves, because they show that their Judaism (which still requires quite some effort to maintain) is only so they fit in with their “friends”. They aren’t interested in even being “Social/Cultural Jews” but rather, have nowhere else to go because almost anyone they know is Jewish, and don’t have the independence to live like a non-Jew in Crown Heights.

    People who dress immodestly are not mentally or intellectually well. Ever since the beginning of time people have been trying to corrode the line that nature dictates is proper conduct becoming of any human being. Yet over thousands of years, with all the corruption, the expected conduct has not changed, because it’s anchored in nature.

    All this is not even the tip of the iceberg (I know, I jumped around a little) of what there is to say on the over-all subject, not the least of which is Emunah (realization/manifestation of self-evident truth) and Anava (humility), even from a secular perspective for those heretics who cannot accept Torah as a source.

    In conclusion, stop making tznius about men, it has more to do with a woman and herself, and women between themselves (need I mention between G-d and a person), as well as between natural chaos and harmony.

    Best wishes and best of health to all.

  • What happened to common sense?!

    Women who dress inappropriately to go to Shul are sick and deluded.
    It’s comparable to bringing a cheese-burger to a shiur.
    It’s comparable to someone wearing overalls to a black tie affair.

    That a Rabbi would allow people who know how inappropriate it is to continue to come to shul when they get dressed friday night for shul in mockery of everything a shul stands for is beyond me.

    That a Rabbi would give drashos constantly and remain silent on the subject of Tznius in it’s entirety, even implementing an ultimatum notwithstanding is beyond me.

    The same Rabbi that tackles sensitive issues all the time, yet says nothing about tznius because of a fear of the stigma people put on anyone who opposes this blatant mockery of Torah, is himself no less blatantly mocking Torah.

    May they have a Refuah Sheleima and stop corrupting basic logic in order to support their emotional disorders.

  • To Sara and Yaffa and others

    As frum men walk up to a frum Shul, in the lobby, or when they step out of the room the Shul is in to get a Siddur or visit the restroom for a minute, and they are visually accosted by inappropriately dressed women, the same ones coming to daven in the same Shul, it is unacceptable, mechitza or not.

    At a time of Davening when one’s (who is single and/or possibly generally typically human) thoughts are (at-least then) meant to be of the purest nature, it is revolting that the same women who are coming to Shul, and dressed specifically for this occasion would come dressed as some do.

    Some people are sick-minded.

  • Y.R.

    Hey people. Get with the program. Of course the guys gotta do his part, but that’s not what she’s talking about. That’s for another wonderful op-ed.

    She’s pointing out something girls/women have got to start understanding. Men, are, very simply. Mostly driven by thire tayvos nashim. Do us all a favor, and make it that much easier on ourselves. For the same reason, we don’t go to bars for a farbrengin.

    Oh and trust me, even a “rock solid” marriege can be shacken by these things.

    Y.R.

  • The Program

    Let’s stop making this tznius issue about guys, it’s not!
    It has a worse affect on the person themself, than on any other.

    (The affect on the person themself is both makif and penimi, this is not the case with the affect on others, which on primarily [if not only] penimi)

  • A conversation?

    How about using the art of conversation? Person to person. Group to group. Facing each other. Are we (myself included) so afraid of talking that we air our feelings on this internet thing? I think the whole paradigm needs a shift to include communication as a means of working out such things. Right now, it’s not part of the picture. Time marches on, so why should we think nothing can ever change? Is all change bad, regardless of its potential value?