Tips on Dealing with Strangers from a Mom & Educator

Wherever I went on this heartbreaking day, all the parents I met seemed to have the same reaction. In the face of such a horrific event, it’s the most natural thing in the world. But even in our shared grief, we need to channel our protective parental instincts in the spirit of “V’hachai yitein el libo,” and the living shall take to heart… in a healthy and helpful way.

How can we best serve our children? What is the best way to warn them of stranger danger?

It’s important for parents to realize that random child abusers and kidnappers don’t actually represent the most common type of danger. Children are more often abused by a family member or someone known to the child or the family. Some cases I’ve heard of: uncle, Shabbos guest, boarder, counselor, piano teacher. As for abduction, the overwhelming majority of cases are parental abduction in cases of divorce.

So, what DO we tell our kids? Some of the most sensible material I’ve ever read stresses that “Never talk to a stranger,” is advice of limited value. If a child is lost, ch’v, he or she is going to have to choose a stranger to speak to.

“Ask a policeman,” is also limited. How often do we actually have one around when needed? By standing and waiting for a police officer to come along, danger may increase. How can we help to prepare our children to make the best choices in less than optimal situations?

Here’s a game recommended by child safety organizations, and that I continue to “play” with my kids. It’s called, “What if?”

As we walk together on Kingston Avenue, 13th Avenue or in an airport or a mall I casually ask, “What if you were lost right here, what would you do?”

The correct answer in a public shopping area is to go into a retail store and ask the cashier to phone for help or page the parents. Remaining in a public place is the safest option.

In the park, I’d ask, “There are no stores here… what if you were lost in the park?”

The first best concept is to stop moving. It’s easier to find a lost person if that person doesn’t keep getting further from where last seen. Now it’s time to make a tough choice… a lost child needs help from a grownup. Here’s the formula for helping a child evaluate the safety of the people in the area.

The safest stranger to choose is:

a woman with children… it’s likely that a mom would be willing to get involved.

After that, a child should approach:

a group of women,
a woman and man together, and finally,
a woman by herself.

The next step is to evaluate the stranger’s advice. Anyone who offers a ride or says, “Come with me,” raises a red flag. The worst place for a lost child is inside a car. Even in the rain. Even in the snow… “Never get into a car with a stranger” remains the best and most useful warning for kids.

Since practically everyone on the planet has a cell phone, the next step should involve placing a call. Either the helpful stranger calls, the child calls, or if the child panics and forgets a number, Hatzalah or the police should be called.

Does the “What if?” game get results? Well, just recently, an elevator door closed abruptly, leaving my 8 year old daughter in an elevator with a young couple. When the doors opened on another floor, the 8 year old had the presence of mind to ask the woman to ride back down to the lobby with her. She wasn’t afraid to ask the right stranger for help, rather than risk being alone in an elevator where anyone could get on.

I was impressed. I think “What if?” did help her decide what to do.

On this tragic day, when our hearts are so heavy and we all feel so helpless, let’s resolve to give our kids this information. They may never need it; it certainly isn’t foolproof, but better safe than sorry.

A Mom who Cares