49 Comments

• Well Said

  It cannot be said enough times that a size 2 beautiful girl is not the be all and end all. At the same time, I wish that boys (and their mothers) would take a good look in the mirror before saying no to a girl because she is “too chunky” – a size 6-8. If you are under 6 feet and over 175 lbs without the looks of Brad Pitt how can you say no to a girl based on her looks?

• The bottom line

  you dont have to be a shadchan to make a shiduch and the more people that get involved, even temporarily, will help the “shiduch crisis”.
  Yes, its up to you!
  Everybody!

• Der shtinker

  Dear Mrs or MR Shadchan

  Credibility is lacking in the shiduchim world, a good start would be writing your name when you submit a article.

• TOBY LIEDER

  *********************the 5 majors***************************
  I am a shadchan and I do this exercise with all the people I try and help! It goes like this.

  I say, brainstorm 20 qualities that you want in a spouse.

  Then I say, take off 5. And they panic… “What? Which ones should I take off?” Then after they pick and choose hard, being left with only 15 qualities they seek in a partner, I say,” now take off another 5 that is possible to live without.” “What? I am left with only 10?” and so on. Then I say now one more time, take off another 5 and you are then to be left with only the “5 majors!” by this point the young single is in shock with the limited choice that they have, and it usually takes a half an hour for them to finally zero in on only 5 major qualities that they would want in their spouse. I explain that these 5 are called “the non-negotiables. That means that these 5 you will get for sure, because you are not asking for much. It is reachable. It is possible. I call them non-negotiables because now you have zeroed in to only 5 major most important values that you are seeking, and it eliminated all the ‘extras’ that drove you nuts, and confused you from the important values to the non important ‘wish list’ that you will never get it all anyway list!

  Now, what I explain to the singles is, you are entitled to get your 5 majors, and don’t negotiate on a single one of them, because it is a fair list of the 5 things that are most important to you. Now, at the end, if he/she has the 5 and also ‘can cook and play music’ yay! I call those extras “bonuses”. But I wouldn’t ‘waste’ one of the 5 majors on ‘I want someone that can cook, or play music etc…’ so, we choose the 5 majors very carefully till we feel that we have chosen the ‘most important qualities/values’ one would want in a future spouse.

  I have had the unfortunate experience of people choosing for one of their top 5 “pretty” or “handsome“. I would challenge them by asking ”why would you waste a whole number on looks, when instead you could have chosen a whole other quality like, you didn’t choose “positive attitude” he therefore can be a person that is negative and/or critical, has a dark unhappy side to him because, you never mentioned “positive happy go lucky type” on your list. If it is not there then I can give you a negative minded guy, right? But pretty, or handsome, really is in the eyes of the beholder. How many stories have you heard that the looks ‘grew on them’, as you get to know the person more n more you get to see their inner beauty more and more. Real beauty is the ‘insides’ of a person. when you guys went to camp, how many times did you notice the girl, or boy you thought was ‘great looking’ at first, (and they are pretty good looking) but as you get to know them, that beauty faded and they are nothing at the end. And the opposite. How many people do you know have looked that before you got to know them they were a ‘turn off’ and once you got to know them, they were the loveliest people you have ever met? You see right through their looks and love the inner person. They even look beautiful once you got to know their inner qualities? So beauty is a very personal – you – must-see-for-yourself story. Don’t ever take anyone’s opinions on looks. See for yourself.

  I hope I have enlightened you on ‘easing’ the shidduch scene and giving you all some tools to help choose your mate wisely, by limiting your expectations to just 5 most important values, so you can now choose a lot easier and with more confidence then before.

  I am a shadchan on chabadmatch if I can help assist anyone, please email me.

  Toby Lieder
  sydneysem@optusnet.com.au

• NYResident

  this is a good article. I believe the current “shidduch crisis” has much to do with the attitudes of today’s young men and women. If people would learn what shidduchim and marriage is about, speak to reliable and knowledgeable friends and elders, and really give thought to what is important in marriage, there would be a much better and more focused attitude to help with selecting the right partner.

• size 16 and proud!!

  very well written it is so true. I can’t begin to count how many shidduchim I was turned down for because of my size well was there loss. I am B”H happily married to a wonderful man who loves the way I am. boys take a good hard look and don’t let your parents make a decision for you. How many stories have we heard that a couple got married because she was beautiful and then a few months later divorced a girl can be an amazing wife even if she is a little bigger than a size 2. Beauty fades everything else stays.

• get in touch?

  how can i get in touch with this shadchan? I have an excellent out of town girl, we have done all she suggested but are getting dead ends from the mothers of boys who decide for the boys that the girl is not right. i wish they would just let the boy go out and see for themselves.

• Huh!

  Ver is dos ‘Brad Pitt’?

• MOB

  As a MOB (mother of a boy) I believe that I must defend myself:
  1)Many boys do not find overweight girls attractive. I am not advocating being a size 2 but significantly overweight or obese girls will probably be passed over by the majority of boys. I have seen some very nice looking girls who were 6-8-10’s even size 12. After that, we are getting into the plus-size category that many thin boys object to.
  2)Girls are naturally more spiritually refined than boys. It is easier to be a “good” girl than to be a “good” boy. Many girls turn down boys who are “chilled” when they might just need a wife that can set the tone of the home to be more ruchniusdik.
  3)Girls and their mothers are as picky as boys and their mothers. How many girls will not date red-haired boys and want boys who are significantly taller or older than they are? There are loads of nice boys who are not very tall and is there really any harm in a boy being a bit younger than his wife? There are lots of girls who want top looks in a boy.
  4)The word “quiet” is a killer. In Lubavitch everyone must be head counselors who don’t need mikes. Girls are often passing up nice boys who are not the loudest guy at the party.
  5)I have spoken to other mothers of boys who also don’t imagine that the world is fighting over their sons. With boys, they might not enter the shidduch parsha the same way that girls do so they might not take the initiative and put their names on chabadmatch. They might be “not looking yet” until a great name comes up.
  6)Mothers of girls, are your daughters really ready for marriage? I see profiles of young girls who want financially stable boys. That is great but even at 23 or 24, most boys are not big breadwinners. Their wives must be prepared to economize (a dirty word in frum circles) and possibly have their own careers. Unless a boy leaves yesiva, he won’t have much of a ladder up in the professional world if he marries young.

• A chosid

  Word are just that words which are meaningless without action.I am a older single person a ffb from b.t. parents not Lubavitch divorced many yrs with no children why you ask?? because shadchanim like the one above don’t really give a damn. They find any excuse not to help someone. I had one shadchan refuse to help me because he doesn’t like my land lady .Therefore since I live in that house which is none of his … business who I live by & why etc. & the desire for them only to deal with certain people & everything about a person in their eyes has to be perfect i. e. wast size , height who you know etc. are why people like me are not married & there is a major shidduch crisis.Some parents are guilty of the same profiling as well.All this is againstwhat The Rebbe wants against Ahavas Yisroel etc. What’s even worse by some of these same people is they don’t care & only quote the Rebbe or mention the Rebbe when it’s conveient for them!!!!!!! Prove me Wrong!

• SHADCHAN crises!!!!!!!!!!!!

  their is a SHADCHAN crises not a Shiduch crises

• a looking bochur!

  amazing to the point i wish more shadchanim would understand how things ougt to be. great article!!

• abuse

  unfortunately in lubavitch it takes a NUT of a person with possibly a low self esteem or an un fulfillment of accomplishment and or a YENTA (all negative reasons) to be a “shadchan” give me one official shadchan in lubavitch that u can call a “normal” person?! these are peopple that u would not hve anything to do with other then for the shidduch u are calling them about. and their friends are people that keep in mind that 1 day they will need them so we gotta be on their good side and we have to be careful what we tell them (as friends) cuz they really know that they have verbal diarrhea

• 770 bochur

  who is Brad Pitt and should I aspire to look like him?

• Sarah M.

  I think that Shadchanim need to be more sensitive to pp’s demand and not say “i have the perfect match for you” when you dont know me. I always refused to go through a Shadchan and BH im happy i didn’t have to. It is very hard for a boys or girls especially to go out with pp who are completely wrong for them over and over again.
  Very often I felt like I was just a piece of meat to shadchanim and I wasn’t up for sale!!!!
  So please shadchanim dont set up pp to set them up, its better to go out with a few pp but that were good then a ton of pp who were really really off!!

• happy wife and mother

  i am a happily married woman and i can say my husband and i (and of course our children) are b”ah all good looking and good people. we each had our hard time when in the shidduch scene because of the families we come from. but let me tell you, our families are nice, well- liked and regular crown heights families. but if you are not so and so or dont come from a rich family or have a big mouth..u get nothing. even if you are good looking, smart, educated, and have lots of things going for you. even if everybody and every teacher, neighbor and big big shot tell you so, they dont set u up with their crew. we each ended up becoming more modern with time and so have many of our friends. and then friends set us up. so that is the story of lots of bt kids in crown heights. such a shame that girls and boys that go through the ”system” and are just as good or not better than the big shot people’s kids, dont get the same attention or offers. in the end most of us get married to great people and are happy. it doesnt matter how chassidush or good looking we all are..there is so much below the surface of crown heights of what is considered better, but hopefully it is changing. children are getting smarter and realizing the fakeness and emptiness of it all and instead of the older generation and closed minded people realzing their mistakes and fixing it up for the next kids, we are looked down on as modern or the new ”type” of lubavitch. it is the product of how people were treated and looked as. so for shadchanim to say all the above, and some is true..puhleaze there is way more to the ”crisis” than that. i’ve seen all levels of chassidishkiet and looks having a hard time for many reasons. i think it is actually the more chassidush boys and girls who have no clue what they want or what is really good and listen to their siblings and parents instead of what is important to them. it is lots of immaturity and trying to fit in to some sort of mold that nobody really cares.people act excited and interested in you for awhile but it goes away in a few minutes and attention to the next one. you are alone at the end so what kind of spouse do u want to come home to every night? what kind of father/mother do you want your kids to have? looks you will know when you see the one. the average guy and girl is not too good looking anyways and the few that actually are will find what they will. so get over yourselves. you arent as great as you think because of whatever you think is so good about yourself and really search inside for what is good for you or your son/daughter.parents dont know their kids most of the time too and that causes issues so being close and open and honest about who and what people are will get to their shidduch faster.lists and ranks are hopeless, when its the right one, it is right and people know. chill out, enjoy the ride and dont take yourself so seriously. marriage will come and it is great. good luck to all!

• yossi plasky

  Shtinker, why didn’t you sign your name?

• Chana Bruriah

  Some Shadchanim are just downright cruel and they have some nerve putting the “blame” on the parents or the child.

  How would you like your good, sweet, kind 20 year old being called “damaged goods” because she was just about to get engaged but the boy changed his mind at the last minute and somehow this shadchan knew this. You should have seen the crushed look on the mother’s face upon hearing that!

  I have a friend who was actually told by a shadchan (I was there), “The epiliptics should marry the epileptics.” She told her that the shadchanim sit around and say, “I’ve got *name a disability*, anyone got one too?”

  Another one, 1 week after meeting my cousin, could not remember her and asked the mother if the girl could come back to the house so she could “take a look at her, again.”

  I am not going to waste my time recounting the many other ways of their cruelty and insensitivity. But the author of this article should look within herself. She should think back on how she treats others and how she speaks to the parents about their child, rather than putting blame on the families.

• ochster

  To add some points:

  -It mentioned in this article about someone telling her friend about her recent date, including the date’s name. What happens on a date is PRIVATE and should be kept private. If someone needs to just talk out their feelings, it should be to a parent or mashpia (preferably older, wiser, and married). Even if a girl (or boy) wants to tell her/his closest friend or sibling, it should be without names. If a friend starts telling you too much, change the conversation or bluntly tell her that you’d love to listen to her, but only if privacy is respected. A person should be able to go out without worrying that the date will be tomorrow’s gossip topic.

  -Height (ie, the rule that the boy must be taller than the girl): unless you’ve gone out and the height difference has bothered you, don’t rule out the shorter guy/taller girl. I’ve seen plenty of happy couples (including myself) where the husband is the same height or shorter than his wife.

  -Size: Even if the size 2 girl is a great wife, keep in mind that at some point she’ll IYH become pregnant. While some women lose pregrancy weight quickly, other women have an extrememly difficult time. As others mentioned, a husband (and not his mother or sisters) needs to find his wife beautiful – and beauty is not defined in waist size.

  But the most important point:
  Shidduchim don’t have to be made by professional Shadchanim. The best people to make shidduchim are friends and family. Think about the singles you know & pick up the phone!

• broaden your horizons...

  there is definately a shidduch and shadchan crisis. One major issue I see, and am experiencing myself, is that there are many girls who are mid 20’s to close to 30, and most guys out there want younger girls… which doesn’t leave many choices for the many of us single older girls out there. If bochurim would broaden their horizons a little, and look past age, there’s nothing wrong with looking into a girl a couple years older, with responsibility, maturity, and still lots of youth. there are many great girls who are in their mid to high 20’s who still look like they’re 18 (I know, I can speak for myself!). People just have to broaden their horizons a little, look past little things, and appreciate a greater picture.

• don-t be quick to judge...

  don’t be quick to judge a person…
  A couple names of bochurim came up for me, and when mentioned my name, they refused. They refused even to look into me. Why? Because other friends of theirs gave them negative feedback. Based on their dating experience.
  And when I heard what the issue was, I was so surprised.
  It was nothing I would ever consider myself, or anyone else I know think of me as such. Through one person’s glasses, and then their interpretation, they had ruined a chance for someone else.
  Please, guys, girls out there…. when you hear something, double check it with friends/ family of the individual. Don’t just rely on others dating experience. It’s so not fair! Give people a chance, don’t be quick to judge. If one really wants to get married, one has to properly and fairly consider a suggestion. Too many times a suggestion is just a name, shoved to the side, or thrown away. Be careful, be smart, and be intelligent about your choices.

• Your Mom

  Beauty fades, but ugly lasts forever.

• single and looking

  can some1 please post a list of shadchanim and their phone numbers in the neighborhood?

• A dater

  Dear Shadchan: I am so grateful for all the wonderful tough work that you do. I feel really bad when I go out with a girl and I don’t have any feelings for her even after a few dates. Me having to reject a girl only makes your job harder. Why can’t all your matches result in weddings?

  Regardless of the reasons or excuses I make for not going out again, I want you to know that I am grateful for your vital work. I also want to apologize for putting you in this awkward situation of having to go to the girl with news that might hurt her self esteem. Please know that when I get rejected my self esteem also hurts. I always make sure to not criticize a girl even to the Shadchan and I only say good things about the girl. Regardless, what seems superficial to you might be important to someone else. Furthermore, it might not be the real reason for rejection. Some of us choose something superficial so that we don’t hurt the girl’s feelings. For those of you who are looking for the perfect size 2 girl, I hope you find her.

• abc

  I once went into a bakery and overheard the following. A girl came into the store and as she was paying the woman clerk told the girl that she was very pretty and how she always tells her son that he has to marry a beautiful girl.-end of story. I was horrified; how many times have you seen a beautiful/hansome person and as soon as you encounter some vanity or cruelty all of the sudden the person is undescibably ugly?
  The truth of the matter is that every girl is beautiful and it is up to you to see it. Some have it clearer than others but you have to look a a bit deeper to find it, is that so difficult?

• Right on target!

  The article is great!
  Thank You

• kosher alternative dating

  what about making an event where girls and boys of a certain age can do this speed dating thing?
  regarding girls size and McDreamy looks, I do know that when a couple meet on the web..and ‘chat’ and get to know each other that way first, size does not come into the picture at all. This might also be an option for our ‘shadchanim to advocate. This can be done in a tznius manner..with only qualified girls and bochurim are permiited the password for this site.

• Needle in a Haystack

  Very good article, the more the voice of reason is heard the better.
  Just one thing, Please do not forget the Aibishter!! Start your day giving Tzedokah say tehilim, read the Rebbe’s letters on shidduchim (Eternal Joy)make a hachlota, help others who are looking for shidduchim.

  Then Network, Network, Network. Chabadmatch is great, so is the Chicago shidduchim group chicagoshidduch@gmail.com or our own local Chabadshidduch. They will be meeting on Monday, March 2, 2009
  Where: Bais Menachem Mendel(basement) 1000 East 17th Street(btwn I & J)
  Time: 8:30-10:00pm prompt, New attendees 8:20pm orientation
  For more info: Chabadshidduch@aol.com

  It is not enough that the mothers or parents daven for their children shidduchim, the young people should daven for their friends and themselves as well.

  Shidduchim101.blogspot.com

• .................

  I would like to give some advice to everyone looking for a shiduch for their children. Although alot of wonderful shiduchim have been successfully made in Crown Heights by the women shadchanim, they are a tight knit mafia , and they pick and choose who they want to take care of. Try the men shadchanim, they treat you much better, and if your daughter agrees to actually see the shadchan before, they will treat her better too.

• How much do you need to know??????

  does he/she go to the movies? does he/she watch movies? does he/she go to the bars? does he/she drink? does he/she smoke? does he/she learn? does he/she davvan with a minyan? does he/she drive? does he/she have smicha? does he/she get involved in politics? does he/she want shlichos? does he/she have a job? does he/she want a job? does he/she want to live in CH? does he/she believe in yechi? does he/she go to the mikvah? does he/she davvan in 770? does he/she want kids? does he/she wear jeans? does he/she dress nice? does he/she wear a white shirt? does he/she go to the ohel? does he/she outgoing? does he/she go bowling? does he/she wear a hat-jacket? does he/she have Friends? does he/she love to tour? does he/she eat sushi? does he/she have a big family? does he/she get along with parents? does he/she get along with siblings? does he/she want to move out? does he/she know English? does he/she know Hebrew? does he/she ride a bike? does he/she know whats happening in Israel every min? does he/she go swimming? does he/she change baby diapers? does he/she want to go to kollel? does he/she want to get married bc of pressure? does he/she want to get married bc its fun? does he/she want to get married bc all Friends/class are? does he/she play tennis? does he/she know about football/basketball/volleyball? does he/she play pool? does he/she play bingo? does he/she have a ipod? does he/she listing to Jewish music? does he/she have facebook/myspace/hi5? does he/she go on the Internet? does he/she likes to go out with friends? does he/she wear make-up? does he/she must have a watch? does he/she live with her parents? does he/she have a job? does he/she talk to girl/boy Friends? does he/she have a cell phone? does he/she have a plan in the future? does he/she own a car? does he/she go to restaurants? does he/she eat lubavitch shchita? does he/she learn chitas? does he/she learn rambam? does he/she play golf? does he/she look in mirrors? does he/she take pictures? does he/she believe in the Rebbe? was he/she good in school? has he/she been out of her own town? has he/she ever been to Israel? has he/she went to yeshiva? has he/she been to shlichos? has he/she got scrood on shlichus/why? is he/she red head? is he/she blond? is he/she dark? is he/she good looking? is he/she parents normal? is he/she parents have a job? is he/she parents on shlichus? is he/she good with kids? is he/she a camper? is he/she on a diet? is he/she big/small? is he/she tall/thin?

  does/has/is/if/but/how/why/who/when/where/what??? need anymore Questions i can go on forever!!! this is not an interview!! how much does your head/Shadchan/Friends have to go through???

  were do all these Questions lead to? more stress? more wasted time? more wasted money?

• yisroel

  Toby Leider the Moshel you gave hit the spot!
  Ive has so many experiences where Ive met friends and i though they looked so handsome, well it took A month to realize that this person is so ugly, how can i live with him.

  to all you guys and girls that have looks as one of their top priority’s, please think of the time you met a handsome person weather it was in school camp or your business and how it took no time for that to change.

• MOB

  I felt that I must comment again.
  Needle in a Haystack, your blog is the BEST. I hope that more people log on and comment. We need to get more dialog going. You are entirely correct about networking. The best person to make a shidduch might be someone who knows both parties. Also, parents: if you look into someone or your child dates someone and it is not for you, figure out who you know for that person. Another note to parents: be prepared to put in ample amounts of time searching for your child’s shidduch. Take the time to go to networking meetings. If there is no group in your area, make one.
  Broaden your horizons: some boys go on the market at a young age because they are working and not sitting and learning. Until they reach that popular age of 23 or 24, they are viewed as too young and are passed over. Many mothers of boys do not want an immature teenager for a daughter-in-law either. What I am trying to say is that very young daters are not necessarily more popular than older ones. There have been more and more marriages (BH) occurring in the mid-to late twenties age group.
  With regard to weight, while it is true that size 2s rarely stay 2s after child-bearing, first impressions are important in shidduchim. Most women cannot be a 2 and be healthy but the girl who comes home from sem with an extra 30 pounds might want to consider shedding extra pounds before going out. The guy whose wife gains weight having babies has had time to learn to love his wife. When a couple meets for the first time, they might not want to think about what the other person will look like in 10years. The initial attraction will make or break whether or not they will continue dating.

• Single Too Long

  A “Shadchan that Really Cares” withoput the brains to put her name so she can HELP US?!?!?!?

• Fed Up!!!

  To “Happy wife and mother”
  You have summed it up to perfection any chance of you becoming a unofficial shadchan????? :)
  and To the “Shadchan that really cares” the whole article was pushing blame onto the singles and families, its not a one person to blame situation its everyones input wether good or bad that makes it!!! I dont feel anything was achieved by this letter, theres no resources, no productivness whatsoever!!!!!!
  I hope the next Op-Ed is a little more helpful to us all
  I can go on with experiences/stories/gossip/advice but im sure we all know the details already, all except “The Shadchanim”

• Who to blame? The mother and the father!

  • Parents and siblings need to fully accept what the single wants and needs.

  As parents we want the best for our children, let us make sure we are doing things the right way to help our children find their bashert. We must realize, and be honest about, their strengths and weaknesses and the type of person they would like to marry. Make sure that something minute like age does not threaten the chance of a shidduch going through.

  THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE ARTICLE!!! It is the parents that cause the most problems with Shidduchim – constantly looking out for their OWN self-interests, and not letting their son/daughter think for themselves. I personally know of cases where the boy and girl were VERY interested in each other, and then one of their parents decided that it is not a good match, and convinced their child not to go on with it.

  Parents! YOU are the cause of this Shidduch crisis.

• chossid

  i think a very important point was missed.
  we should take the kitzur shulchon oruch and learn the Chapters about shidduchim,and follow the simple Haloches.You will definitely see there,that if you go on a shidduch,and it doesnt work out,its important no to talk loshon horo to anyone else about the failed shidduch(person).where do we find the permission to talk loshon horo about, asuggestion that didnt work out?
  In the Tehillim,Doviv Hamelech says ,that talking loshon horo is equal to take a person,put him under the molar of the lion and shred him to pieces.I know of people who retain to talk loshon horo,and in that zechus they had in mind for somebody to get engaged and it worked.to speak loshon horo about someone you went out with is not a segula for a good shidduch

• chossid

  you cant say its one cause or another every situation is different.A Rebetzen told me ,the most important thing is davening.Maybe we can open up a mitzva bank,where everyone is going to put a mitzva on a the same blog ,or say tehillim for the sake of the people who are looking for shidduchim.the most important thing is what is the message Hashem is trying to give us.
  Lets increase in Achdus,and aim to help each other and Hashem will help us.

• Yonatan

  Why blame the parents? What about all those picky kids whose parents beg them to be reasonable? What about parents who plead with their kids to go see a shadchan and the kids refuse? I see parents put hours and hours researching a shidduch only to have their kids refuse to give it a try.
  A kid who is old enough to get married is old enough to find a mashpia who can tell them when they are being unreasonable. They are also old enough to go to shadchanim and speak to friends who know eligible singles and not leave everything up to their parents. If a kid is stuck and nothing is happening, don’t rush to blame the parents.

• .......................

  To all girls and boys: You are going to laugh and mock and say that I am not realistic, that I don’t get it today, that the kids are different, and that I am living on a different planet, but I will give my advice anyway, and whoever will follow this advice, whether it be boy or girl will without doubt do excellent shiduchim. #1) DO NOT WATCH MOVIES, ITS A FANTASY LIFE.Real true love comes in a totally different way. #2) STUDY SHIDUCHIM VENISUIN LEKUTEI HORAOS MINHAGIM UBIURIM . Study it word for word in the original text, Hebrew and Yidish. If you can’t do it by yourself, get someone to study it with you. Reading eternal joy is great, but not enough. Then your head and your heart will be in the right place, and then Hashem will send the right shaliach to find your bashert.

• Frustrated Mother

  Up until almost the end, I thought you were right on point. Then you took a direction that I have to disagree with. I don’t believe you are working with enough “working boys” because if you were, you would know what the other shadchanim are all saying and agreeing about: Most of the time, lately, it is the GIRL who says no after a couple of dates, even when the boy is ready to continue. More and more, it is becoming obvious to us mothers that the reason so many 22 and 23 year old girls are looking for shidduchim, is because when the boys were 23-24 and starting to look for a life-mate, the 20 and 21 year old girls were starting to “DATE”. The girls are enjoying themselves at the boys’ expense and “sowing their oats”. That is what I have seen, not that girls are chasing the boys, until they are more desperate and by then they want someone established and older, which still leaves many boys out in the cold. A vicious cycle that will only end when mothers of girls insist that their daughters only date when they are 100% serious and ready to build a home and family.

• single bochur

  we need more oppertunities for boys and girls to meet be it speed dating or singles events

• !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  DO NOT WATCH MOVIES, ITS A FANTASY LIFE
  AND GOYISHE NOVELS
  WELL SAID

• To - Frustrated Mother

  To “Frustated Mother”…
  The girls who are 20 may not be mature enough, or feel ready for marriage just yet. It’s not their intent to ‘enjoy themselves at the boys’ expense’. I am a single older girl, and until I was about 24, I didn’t feel ready for marriage. It was a scarey thing back then, I felt extremely young. Now I am 28, I really want to get married, but there are less choices, all because I didn’t feel ready then, but I feel ready now. The thing that ‘frustrates’ me and a lot of other single older girls, is that we wish there were boys out there, and younger boys who wouldn’t mind going out with a girl a couple years older.
  And, back to the beginning point…….. If the 20 year old girl is not ready for your 24 year old son, then why not look into a girl who is a little older? Then THEY ARE BOTH WANTING TO GET MARRIED IN THE SAME WAY!!!

• ALL IN A DAYS WORK

  After reading the shadchan’s letter and the posts that followed, I have to be honest and call it as appears.
  For those who have money or are shluchim/ gesher, the shadchanim will work with you and make a connection, the rest are put into a slot and if something “seems the same” than they put the two together.
  Many a shadchan’s attitude is “ Who are you again and what are you looking for? Get me a name and I’ll look into to it for you…. Or when a name is given they don’t call don’t remember or don’t care and don’t do anything. Or don’t call I’ll call you when I think or have something for you.-PS you never hear from them again….
  Parents are demanding and snobby, their kids as well.
  and noone is willing to even try to go out and find out if they even can stand the sight of the person, their too busy pulling out their stamps of ”reject” ….
  I think that there are so many wonderful people out there and if you’re willing to overcome your social class or stigma’s of – b.t. , ger, working boy, non shliach , mishichists …., etc then you are really serious and mature and can make a mature judgement on if the person is for you.
  And for those narrow minded people whom a broken engagement is the total of ruin, I say get a grip and get a life , you are obviously not dealing with a full deck, better a broken engagement then a broken marriage!
  The real question is who is fueling the ideas of what a great shidduch is , rabbaim, community leaders, geverim,etc
  Does you greed for social position , money or power set a good example for your children, The outside world ? The community is made of so many types of people and each contribute to it in their own way.
  Every person is a diamond like the Rebbe said and deserves to be appreciated for what they truly are, not what slot groups of top lofty people have decided they should be put in.
  Family sould be a great way to make connections for shidduchim but alas even amongst those, there are members that are not interesed in bothing themselves as long as their children are settled already.
  To bad this won’t reach most of you, sincerity is a rarity and you’ll all just go back to your predjudice views and contintue in your bias ways!
  For the few shadchanim, freinds and family members that really work and care with a genuiness: Hatzlacha Rabba and may Hashem shower blessings upon you and your families for your kindness and fairness !

• Out-of-town mom

  what about out-of-towners? It’s very hard to live in a Lubavitch community outside of Crown Heights when you want to date.My daughter has met with a number of shadchanim from Crown Heights, & I would say that only one shadchan has truly been responsive.

• found the one

  i just want to say that after looking for a year and a half, and dealing with at least a dozen shadchanim, i thought it would be impossible to find what i wanted because all the shadchanim said “the boy you want just doesnt exist” or “there are very few of those in lubavitch” etc… but you know what? i was not going to compromise my life and in the end B”H I GOT EVERYTHING I WANTED AND A MILLION TIMES MORE!!
  So dont let shadchanim tell you that you are being unrealistic just because they can’t figure you and what you want out!!
  ps. friends and family make the best shidduchim

• Experienced

  Most people who are shadchanim got that title because they have made some successful shidduchim and then they were asked by others to do more. A few shadchanim out there were given a brocha to do so by tzadikim who had the power to give brochas.
  Many shadchanim operate under the premise that “like marries like” which is not entirely off the wall but does not take into account all of those successful marriages where people of different backgrounds married.
  Some shadchanim want money up front because they will probably expend effort for which they would otherwise not see a dime. This is OK but all involved should specify exactly what services will be rendered for the money. Is the money simply a registration fee for meeting with the single or does the shadchan agree to redd the name to a specific number of people.
  The first few names that a shadchan suggests are often those that he or she has been trying forever to get rid of. These singles are often serial daters. They will probably marry someone someday but are not overall good bets.
  Shadchanim sometimes try to knock down a single to make him or her accept an “inferior” suggestion. For example a girl who is not careful with necklines might still want a boy with a full beard but the shadchan might try to persuade her to date the trimmed beard variety and may tell her that she is not a “top girl”.
  If a shadchan works through email, he or she is ahead of the game because they are far more reachable than the phone-only type.
  If you have seen a shadchan, call back a week or two later to remind him or her that you are still looking and see if any new ideas have come up. If they don’t hear from you, they may assume you are dating someone. Make a schedule of calling the different shadchanim that you have met with or email them at certain intervals to remind them that you are still looking.
  Just because a person has been called a shadchan does not mean that they “owe” someone their time and efforts, unless the person has pre-paid for an agreed-upon service. Once they succeed in making a shidduch though, they are entitled to the going rate of shadchanus. That is even true if your grandmother makes your shidduch.

• Simcha

  “in the end B”H I GOT EVERYTHING I WANTED AND A MILLION TIMES MORE!!”
  I’m very happy for you!
  Depends on how long and how important your list of what you were looking for was.
  Most young men and women are not that mature or realistic enough to know what is really important.
  If you want a learner then go for it, if you want to go on shlichus do that to.

  No one gets everything that they want and its unreasonable as well as irresponsible for you to insist that girls/ guys be unrealistic.
  Marriage isn’t all about the You, its about the We.
  We connect, we work well together, we respect one another, we share the same values, we fill and anticipate where the others needs. And believe me , getting a piece of jewelry is wonderful, but the man that takes a look at his wifes tired face and helps out or gives her a break, – that the real deal.

  A generous and kind nature had goes a long way, because after the chassana the photographer, makeup artist, band and spotlight are gone. And real life begins.
  May we all be zozhe to have and keep helpmates like this and to be generous ones in return.

• c@c.com

  the new geshe is $$$$.