In the course of each week I meet people to discuss different issues.
Just last week, a young man sat at the other side of my desk and asked me for advice. He is involved in activities that are not good for his emotional, physical and spiritual health and he was looking for a way out.
In the course of our discussion, we went through each negative behavior and how it began; it all boiled down to that the boy got involved in this detrimental conduct because of a lack of self esteem.
Op-Ed: An Open Letter to Parents and Educators
Dear Parents and Educators, sheyichye
In the course of each week I meet people to discuss different issues.
Just last week, a young man sat at the other side of my desk and asked me for advice. He is involved in activities that are not good for his emotional, physical and spiritual health and he was looking for a way out.
In the course of our discussion, we went through each negative behavior and how it began; it all boiled down to that the boy got involved in this detrimental conduct because of a lack of self esteem.
A long time ago, on a Sunday morning, a young man came to the Rebbe for a dollar and a blessing. The man told the Rebbe that in September he’s starting a new career as a teacher.
He asked the Rebbe for a special Brachah/blessing and advice.
The Rebbe said three words – build self esteem.
The Rebbe was telling the future teacher, that of course he should teach his subject and tell his students stories, but ultimately the most important task for a teacher is to build a student’s self esteem.
In thinking through different things that have worked in the past, I have found the following exercises have been used successfully to build children’s self esteem.
Firstly, tell each child to sit down and write a letter to themselves that includes positive things about themselves.
The child doesn’t ever have to show the letter to anyone if they don’t want to. A great part of the positive effect of this activity is the writing itself. If they do decide to read the letter at a later date, when they come back to it they can recognize the good qualities about themselves.
Recognizing our own good qualities builds our self esteem.
Next, let each child write a letter to the new teacher in the beginning of the new school year introducing themselves in the way that they want to be introduced.
Many times children feel that the teacher from the previous year didn’t really understand who they were, writing a letter introducing themselves allows the child to portray themselves how they want to be seen, not how the teacher from last year wanted to portray them.
A third idea is one used by an upper grade teacher. On the first day of school she gets up in the front of the class and says, “Today we begin new travels in our life. Imagine that you are going for a job and you have to write your own reference letter.”
She then has the students write an actual reference letter of their own positive qualities as if they are applying for a job. This forces her students to focus on their strengths and on what they can contribute to society at large once they leave school.
For all three of the above activities, if you tell a student/child to write between 5-10 nice things about themselves it’s interesting to note how many each child can come up with aside from reading the actual things they chose.
There are many ways to build a child’s self esteem. These are just some of them.
If a child can be in an environment where they can build their self esteem perhaps they will have the back bone not to get involved in negative behaviors because they will feel it’s below their dignity.
There is a story of, R. Moshe Meisels (Meizlish) of Vilna, a Chossid/follower of R’ Schneur Zalman of Liadi. When the Yetzer Hora/evil inclination would come to him and tell him to do something wrong he would say, “Do you know who I am? I am a chossid/follower of the Alter Rebbe? I would NEVER do such a thing!”
His pride in who he was and his self esteem, kept him from doing anything wrong.
All our children can be proud of who they are, as they are all children of G-d. Hopefully, if we can build up our children so that they have belief in who they are, they won’t allow themselves to be dragged into detrimental behaviors that can damage them.
Kol Tuv,
Sincerely yours,
Shea
Great Start
Thank you Rabbi Hect. More examples of self esteem building are needed. All three of the above are written assignments. Here are some other important self esteem building ways. Have your child work, at what ever it may be. Helping your eldery neighbor schlep the trash, or babysitting for someone in need, a job like mowing the grass everyweek, something were they are relied upon and they follow through with it, time after time.This will build self esteem. What about making sure your children keep their word. If they agree they are going to do something, lets make sure they follow through. This will build self esteem. What about the relationship they hold with their parents? Daughters need their Father’s in their lives and I suppose with the sons it’s visa versa. These healthy relationships build self esteem. How about encouraging what interests your child. Helping them explore it and succeed at it. Whatever it may be: art, writing, sports, ect,this will be self esteem.
Yeshiva parent
The first thing you need to do is teach the Rebbes and the Morahs how to build self esteem in small children. It is an ongoing problem. The fact that some Rebbes don’t even acknowledge the child outside of school, meaning on “Kingston”, is only part of the problem. The biggest part is that they are more focused on teaching (drilling) then any type of positive reinforcement. My sons are in the Yeshiva system here in CH and their self image has been destroyed over the course of a couple of years. It is very unfortunate that they would spend half a day in the principals office for making “trouble” and the only teacher response is “We are understaffed.” I have since removed them from here and they are thriving. This needs to be dealt with!
cmy
Part of building self esteem in students is to teach them to value the home that they came from. Often children of BTs are at a loss when they enter yeshiva, partially because they have parents who were not educated in the yeshiva system and in some cases they may have heard unkind remarks such as “crazy BT” from others in yeshiva. Poorly paid teachers may not want to deal with these challenges and the children of BTs may sense that they are not as worthwhile as the children of FFBs. (0f course this changes if the child has wealthy parents). The parents must be aware that they must foster a sense of pride in the child about his family since these children will be lucky if they find a rebbe that values them.
Some children are poor students despite background and may need to go to less demanding yeshivas.
Thank you but
Why do we have to use “definitions” when writing a op-ed on this site? Do words like Chossid, Bracha, Yatzer Hara really need it?? Who is the target audience? The frum world this site serves or the goyish schools/communitys elsewhere? Even the most unaffliated Jew reading this site would most likely know those terms without their explanation. I just find it condesending.
teacher still learning
Once again, Shea gets it right. This is a topic that will always be an issue until/unless parents & educators start getting some training in how to raise healthy kids. I’m not being sarcastic, I mean it. We train everybody for every job, no matter how menial. So why don’t parents get trained? Isn’t that the most important job in the world??
As for teachers…having been one for over 30 years I know how easy it is for a frustrated teacher to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. New teachers need training in this field as well as academic training (ha!) Older teachers need refresher courses in psychology & communication methods. We are all guilty of damaging at least 1 student during our careers & that’s 1 too many. I bitterly regret the careless or unthinking remark that wasn’t intended to hurt a student. But it did.
aa
great article.
correction it was not R. Moshe Meisels (Meizlish) of Vilna but Reb Mordechai Lepler.
Zahava Krevsky
Self-esteem comes from a sense of accomplishment…if you try to “give” someone self-esteem without their earning it through their own efforts it will not succeed..a small successful struggle can be huge to a child. In working with severely disabled children I have had this experience…if you believe there is no limit on one’s abilities, you will, G-d willing, see many miracles.
Thank you Rabbi Shea for sharing your thoughts with us.
dude
kudos
this is the first good op-ed I have seen on this site.
Rifky Unimpressed
Oh please! The teachers who help to squash a child’s self esteem will not read this and even if they do, they won’t recognize themselves in this or they just won’t know what you are talking about.
The same applies to a parent/caretaker who dosn’t have the sensitivity or imagination – to see himself – as to how he is relating to others and his own effect on others.
He has neither the imagination – and the trouble is he dosn’t have the humility to look into himself – when someone complains about the way he is negatively affecting others. Instead of saying – I’ll think about what you’re saying – and really THINK about it – with humility – he/she rather says. “no, – it’s the other’s fault”.
You know the story. One parent says – “If I had children like THAT man does – all nice and respectful etc. – THEN I could respect them so easily – it’s just that I don’t have children like that”.
And the other person answers back to him “Well, if you treat your children with respect – like he treats HIS children, then you will have children who respect YOU – children just like that”.
The first parent/(teacher) says it’s not me – it’s the KID that’s not okay. Give me a “good”, respectable kid and I’ll be able to respond in kind.
The second parent/teacher says – I TREAT him with respect (even though right now he dosn’t behave like aa “RESPECTABLE” kid – and then all of a sudden, look what emerges – a respectable kid.
WHY did one parent/teacher succeed in bringing out respectable compliant kids and the other didn’t (taking into ACCOUNT each child’s individual foibles) – and the answer is that when the parent respected the unrespectable, saw the good and almost always ignored the bad
And thats a good thing to do and make Let the kid go down the DRAIN!!!!!!!!!!
I’M not okay”. The other parent/(teacher) says it’s not me – it’s the KID that’s not okay.
Oh please! Don’t waste my time (with excuses for insensitivy – if you’re not sensitive to others – go study other people and learn about it! But know your own strengths and lacks). And for that you have to be HUMBLE. HUM ble as in bee.
rach
beautifully written, and very true.
thank you thank you thank you
Could not be more to the point, thank you rabbi hecht for sharineg such info with us, everyone can benefit and we will all be winners.
There is one teacher that comes to mind reading this article, she begins the year telling her students that there is no such thing a failing her class and believe me because she shows such confidence in her students – nobody fails, both she and the student make sure of that.(My children have had this teacher for both elementry and high school levels)
At the end of the year she creates a wall hanging with the most beautiful positive things she can think of, different for each child and presents it to them written so they have a keepsake.
I’m sorry I dont recall her maried name but if you’ll alow me to put her maden name in print I think all teachers and principles can learn from her.
Thank you (Miss Dubrov)
Rochel Chana
To “Thank you but”–you never know who might be reading this site, and given the incredible outreach of Chabad we would probably be very surprised!
So if the definitions slow us down a little bit because we already know what certain words mean, maybe it’s worth it if someone who isn’t familiar with the vocabulary can read and understand the article, and more important, apply its wisdom.
Even if the reader is a non-religious Jew or even a non-Jew, it can only help to put more goodness into the world!
moses
very interested to know who that young man , (the teacher)was, just to crystalize the story, as there are so many stories going around…
Israeli Soldier (chabadnick)
TO: Thank you But.
Yes the words need definitions because as much as this is a Lubavitche web-site ppl from all walks of life read the articles written on here and what Shea is saying doesn’t only pertain to us and could maybe help some far out person no one ever thought of reaching so i think its great that all Hebrew words (when appropriate) get a definition along side it.
Nicely written and thank you for bringing up a big issue in our school system.
principal in small school
i have printed this article and plan to show it to teachers at our inservice before school begins. i will also give it as a hand out, IY”H for parents by open school night. thank you, rabbi hecht and tizku l’mitzvos.
think before you speak
excellent suggestions, thanks for bringing up this topic. i hope all teachers try to include activities, such as these, that bolster self esteem when they plan for the year.
here’s another suggestion.the commenter “thank you but” may find it helpful to keep it in mind when they comment on future articles.
whenever you have to comment on something, always start with something positive, and then make your critique.
when critiquing, try not to use the word “but.” saying “but” negates any positive comment you’ve just made, and causes most people to shut down and stop listening. try to use some other sort of connector, such as “and” or “in the future”
then end on a positive note.
for example: (this is for the first commenter)
i noticed that you bring up great points in your article, points that would greatly benefit our school systems…
AND i think that the article would sound even better if there weren’t translations of terms which everyone is already familiar with. when i read those translations, i felt as though the tone changed from informative to condescending. maybe next time you could leave them out….
thanks again and i look forward to reading future articles from you.
ps-this method isnt just for commenting on blogs. it works great at home, school or at work (ex: it was so helpful the way you cleared off the table. it may be easier to throw out the dirty plates if the garbage bag is changed first. thank you again!)
parent
how about the tution for yeshiva????
i am going nuts?? bankrupt
five kids in yeshiva!!!!
CH-er
While I mostly agree on the main point in the article, I find the Sunday dollar story hard to believe. I’d like to see some kind of proof that it actually happened.
Shoshana Zohari, Denver, CO
The common thread in all of the success stories listed here is that the child should feel a real sense of attachment to an adult and valued by that adult. The primary attachment needs to be to the parents. Teachers are a vital and effective extension of parental attachment and authority. When we hand our children over to the educator we should communicate to both of them, “Mommy and Tatty are giving this teacher permission to guide and inspire you in the ways of Torah (and Chassidus).” The teacher is valid only in this context.
Giving children chances to work and succeed is another opportunity to make connections. Sometimes the child will be on the giving end – by helping needy individuals or by creating goods and experiences for others. At other times they will be on the receiving end – by allowing themselves to be led into unfamiliar territory with the goal of acquiring new skills, knowledge and experience thanks to the leadership and expertise of a caring and responsible adult. But there is no such thing as a workbook of self-esteem exercises.
Please let me try to reframe the words of Rifky Unimpressed from a developmental perspective. It is the adults who have the responsibility to shape children, regardless of the state in which we find those children. I don’t get to give my kid the boot just because he or she is struggling. There isn’t much difference between an obstinate three year-old, a selfish ten year-old, or an in-your-face seventeen year-old. Any time you see complex and reactionary behavior it reveals a vulnerability in the child that is too great to bear. It is our job as parents/teachers/clergy to step in and fill that void with reassurance, inspiration, and support at whatever level is age and child-appropriate.
My husband likes to give this example (from chassidus) in his parenting classes: If we consider that children do not possess a yetzer tov until they are bar/bat mitzvah, what is the only logical outcome to a group of poorly or unsupervised children? It will be total mayhem! This is equally true in a classroom or a family. As adults, it is our job to step in and “lend” our yetzer tovs to the children in order to strengthen them until they can do it on their own. This is accomplished in many ways, both in action and emotion.
Thank you for addressing this topic. It is a great mountain that can be conquered if we continue the climb.
to parent
I don’t think you would be upset to pay scar limud if you would be getting quality education.
Mother
Can you please give more examples of building self esteem in young children? After all, isnt that where and when it starts?
Thank you
Mother and Teacher
Thank you so much, Rabbi Hecht. I’m a mother and teacher. I believe the theme of self-esteem in your OP-Ed article is so relevant for both teachers and parents.
As a mother of B“H many kinderlach of varying strengths and talents, I can say quite strongly that building self-esteem is as important in raising a child as water is important in sustaining all of Hashem’s living creations.
There is so much that can be said on the topic of self-esteem. I believe a parent or teacher must be an empathizer in order to truly build self-esteem in others.
The best book I ever read on this topic was ”How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.“ It was written by Elaine Maislich and Adele Faber. I’m sorry if Elaine’s last name is spelled incorrectly. They also wrote a great book called ”Sibling Rivalry” which is really great for parents.
Anyway, Hashem didn’t create us perfect and as we teach and parent our children, we are growing and learning too. Children just want to be loved and excepted for who they are NOW. Every child is good and special in their own right. May Hashem give us all the insight, strength, and sensitivity to build the self-esteem that everyone truly needs to grow into a happy and healthy person.