Weekly Letter: Essential Points to Keep in Mind When Considering A Shidduch
In connection with the first shidduch, which we learn about in our parsha, we share a detailed letter of the Rebbe in which he enumerates essential points to keep in mind when considering a shidduch – and things to avoid in order to make it work.
By the Grace of G-d
13th of Iyar, 5732
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Miss
New York, N.Y.
Blessing and Greeting:
I duly received your letter and as requested, I am acknowledging it ahead of its turn.
Several prefatory remarks are in order, though they are self evident. But because of their importance, I will outline them briefly at any rate.
It is clear that the matter of a shidduch and marriage is a lifetime decision. One must therefore consider not only the first period, when it is still new, etc., but one must take a long view for many many years that will follow. Here again, one must bear in mind not only the special and festive days, but the daily life as it becomes routine, day in day out. For the relationship between two persons must be consistently good and stable, harmonious and sincere and it also directly affects the general atmosphere in the home.
Secondly, it is also clear that in order to attain such a relationship, it requires the fullest cooperation on the part of both partners and that each should be willing to give freely, that is to say, should give it because there is a desire to give it, rather than being compelled to do so.
Insofar as the Jewish religion is concerned, it should be remembered that our religion and way of life radically differs from other religions. In regard to the latter, religious experience is generally confined to certain events in one’s life, or certain days and happenings. But the Jewish religion embraces the total life of a Jew and requires that every aspect of the daily life be permeated with Torah and mitzvos and, as the wisest of all men expressed it, “Know Him in all your ways.”
After the above all too brief introduction, which I hope will nevertheless suffice, it should be evident that to enter into a shidduch and commit oneself for a lifetime partnership, in which one partner has to transform the other in the realm of Jewish religious observance and experience – is surely not only unwise, but it is doubtful if it can succeed.
Moreover, even when the other party is prepared to make concessions, he will surely have the feeling that he is making a sacrifice. Consequently, however readily he may accept the sacrifice at the beginning, human nature is such that having to so this frequently and having to do things to which he has not been accustomed, it must create a feeling of resentment and perhaps even stronger feelings as such resentment accumulates and grows.
If such sacrifice further entails a severing of one’s connections and relationship with person s who had been very close, especially parents, brothers and sisters, even if outwardly the relationship is not much affected, it is very likely to make one think whether the whole thing was worthwhile. At the same time, it is bound to create a guilt feeling in the other party, who will not be able to help thinking whether one had a right to involve the other party into such a predicament.
It should also be borne in mind that when a person had to limit himself in various aspects of his life only out of consideration for another person, it is natural to expect that resentment will build up and accumulate to the extent that he will want to reassert is independence and do so demonstratively. It might even call forth a sense of challenge not only in asserting one’s independence, but also in an attempt to transform the other partner. The resulting clash, or at any rate, conflicts and resentments, are self evident. At best, the only solution under the circumstances might be an agreement that each of the partners should go it alone and lead one’s personal life as he or she sees fit, in order to preserve a semblance of mutual home life.
I must state at once, that I do not know of a single instance where such a shidduch succeeded. Even assuming that someone knows of such a case, it is surely not very wise to take such a chance. Even when one is prepared to take a chance, is it wise and ethical to involve another person into a predicament? Obviously, if one of the two life partners is not happy, the other cannot be happy either.
From all that has been said above, you can clearly surmise what my opinion is in answer to your question.
I believe that you are influenced to some extent, or to a considerable extent, by seeing in the situation a great challenge. If you are not conscious of it, it may be so subconsciously. But even if this is not the case, I do not think that the thing can work. Hence, if your feelings towards one another are truly proper and sincere, this is all the more reason not to wish to drag the other party into a unwholesome situation.
To add another point, which may not be very pertinent and could not easily be substantiated by logical proof, and this is why I mention it last: one must ponder very seriously whether it is right and worthwhile to begin a new life where it involves a breach in the family, namely in the relationship between a child and parents, etc.
Insofar as I am concerned, I have no objection if you will want to show this letter to the young man. Especially, since from your description of him and his character and integrity, he will most likely accept the thoughts expressed in this letter in the spirit in which they have been given, and help him also make a more objective judgment.
May G-d, Whose benevolent Providence extends to each and every one, lead you in the way that is good for you, truly good and lastingly good.
With blessing,
