From The Inbox: Well Intentioned Advice Can Sometimes Do More Harm Than Good

When Covid first came around, I kind laughed it off as nothing serious, not realizing that it could be deadly. In fact, it almost killed me.

It started one Sunday night when I had difficulty breathing. My wife called an ambulance and I was taken to the ER. As it was during the beginning of the pandemic, the hospitals were very full. When I got to the ER, I was given medication and sent home. Unfortunately, two days later I returned to the hospital and was admitted into the ICU. At this point, my memory is somewhat blurry. The doctor informed me that they would be putting me to sleep for two weeks, but it was only a month later that I returned to consciousness.

When I finally awoke, still half asleep, I was able to see my wife through a video chat as no visitors were allowed. I attempted to talk, but no voice would come out as they needed to do surgery on my voice box. I could only mouth the words that I wanted to say. After being asleep for a month, all I wanted to do was talk, but this was something that needed to be rehabilitated amongst many other things. It took another month in the hospital before I was able to able to proceed to rehab. Unable to walk or move, I could barely feed myself with a spoon or even fix my yarmulka. When I finally got my voice back and started making/receiving phone calls, the one question I had was “Where is everyone?” One of the most depressing things after a trauma like that was not being able to see your family.

 I laid in bed for about another month thinking about my future and where I was heading. I did physical therapy in the hospital for 3 weeks before switching to the nursing home for the rest of my rehab. In total, I was away from home for about 4 months.

Doing something as simple as sitting up in bed required supervision of my blood pressure and heart rate. Being that I was asleep for so long, the concern was that it would drop again and lead to passing out. In addition, another side effect was the inability to control using the bathroom. While in therapy in the hospital, I would often go to the gym with my therapist. Once, I had to go to bathroom in the middle of our session and I felt bad for wasting time. The therapist, however, assured me that it’s normal and that it’s a side effect of lying down for long periods of time.

Later while speaking to a relative about the incident, I was told that I should be going to the bathroom either before or afterwards so that I wouldn’t miss therapy and that I could return home sooner. While her intentions may have been good, this is something that bothered me greatly, as going to the bathroom was no longer a simple task and not something I could always control. Because this relative was not a medical professional or someone that was following my day-to-day activities, there was no way for her to understand the whole picture and what is really going on.

 After being home for a while, I slowly learned how to walk without help or a cane/walker. Although it was difficult, I was able to slowly push through towards my goal of being able to walk again. One day, as I was walking home with a friend, I met an acquaintance who asked me why I’m not using my cane, and that I should at least be using it on Shabbos. Firstly, I wondered what Shabbos has to with anything.  The main thing that bothered me, however, was that this person was neither a professional nor following my daily progress. What made this person feel the need to say something?  Between working with a physical therapist on a daily basis and the trauma I went through, hearing something like this from someone that has no idea what I’ve been through was extremely frustrating. After going through so much and already being on top of my health in conjunction with professionals, I felt this comment was extremely inconsiderate and inappropriate. Although he may have been well intentioned, advice from someone who doesn’t have enough information or understanding can sometimes do much more harm than good.

Thank God, I am doing much better now than I was almost 2 years ago. Some days, however, I struggle with depression to the point where I don’t want to wake up or I wish I never woke up.

My goal in writing article is to make people aware that although advice and support may be well intentioned, it can sometimes do more harm than good.  While many may be quick to give others advice, it would be helpful to attempt to imagine what life is like in the other person’s shoes first. Not knowing the whole story or not understanding enough about the human body and how it works may lead to giving incorrect or uninformed advice. Try to think about how a person may feel and what they’ve been through before giving your two cents.

Keep in mind that it may be taken out context and possibly add to the depression and trauma a person is experiencing.

Thank you very much for reading and hopefully understanding.

3 Comments

  • Shmully

    May Hashem grant you and everyone who needs it a complete refua shleimah!

    Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.

  • Strawberries

    I always tell unsolicited advice volunteers: “Advice is worth exactly the value of the price I pay for it. When I pay nothing for it, it is worth nothing.” Usually, they get the “hint”.

    • Oh

      Chazal tell us, “Who is wise? One who learns from everyone.” Unsolicited advice can sometimes be useful. Don’t think that you know better than Chazal!