Op-Ed: Do Shadchanim Trust in Hashem?
by The Mushkies of Lubavitch
Every Pesach we ask the four questions, but this year, we’re adding on a fifth: Do shadchanim trust in Hashem?
Why, we ask?
Throughout the year, everyone has problems which we answer to “trust in Hashem”. Yet, when it comes to shidduchim, many people are certain that they have the answers!
At a recent farbrengen, this topic came up and many of us shared similar feelings and hurtful experiences.
One girl shared how, during a conversation, a shadchan asked her, “Do you know why there are so many older singles?” She responded, ”Hashem decided it wasn’t their time yet.” The shadchan angrily replied, “NO! It’s because of people like you.”
Perhaps you are wondering what brought on this conversation, surely there are more details to this story. Well, this Shadchan was upset because her inappropriate suggestion was turned down.
From this story and others, it has become clear that shadchanim think of themselves to be in a position of power. It is them who have authority on whether singles will or will not get married.
Here are some more real-life examples:
“Twenty girls a grade do not marry because of people like you.”
“Your child will never marry because they’re fat.”
“You won’t marry because you have older, unmarried siblings.”
“I don’t help people like you.”
“Your family is problematic.”
“You won’t marry until you are a size two.”
“I will blacklist you.”
We know what the Rebbe opinion about doctors are, their job is to heal, not to decide Hashem’s plans.
The same can be applied to shadchanim. It is not their job to decide whether you will ever marry or whether you have to change yourself to find your basher. .
Shadchanim must recognize that they are shluchim of Hashem, chosen for the z’chus of joining Nneshamos for the continuity of Am Yisrael.
***
You may be in shidduchim yourself and feel like we’re telling your story. Maybe you are a parent trying hard to help your children. Or maybe you are a shadchan and you want to hear our perspective.
It is only out of frustration that we write this article. Words are powerful, can hurt and cause damage beyond intention. It should never be acceptable to tell a person they won’t marry because of the way they look, differences with their family or what’s important to a single shouldn’t be.
Many shadchanim are kind, helpful and caring and go above and beyond to help those in this trying period. Therefore, they deserve thanks. We understand how much of a tireless and thankless job this is. Thank you for all the work you do and extra thanks for your compassion.
Our call is to those that need a friendly reminder to be compassionate. There have been too many singles who are left feeling hopeless, betrayed, and unworthy. So please, dear shadchanim, when you speak to someone, think twice: Is what I’m about to say going to be helpful or hurtful?
We wish everybody Hatzlacha in making shidduchim and in finding their bashert.
Dovid
Without reading this article I would say they absolutely do not.
Mussy
Beautifully written, this has to be spoken about more!
Chaya
I totally agree with this article. I’ve had too many similar conversations with shadchanim. Some of them think they are able to talk down to the singles. It’s very upsetting.
Unfortunately it's not just shatchanim
Shatchanim unfortunately feel since you NEED them, they become in charge of your entire life/future. So Hashem? R”L who is He, when you need them?
Why when it wouldnt work out with a bochur that his sister thought it might be a good idea, I received numerous times from these sisters “you wont get married.” Before to be a lubavitcher and asking others if they are Jewish, “are YOU Jewish?”
G.Singh
The humilation and suffering that people with no mooney or sheluchim undergo in this hood is gut wrenching
The uncommon view
While it is not the job of a shatchan to tell you if you will be married or not,following the same idea that was brought in regards to a doctor it would be fair to say that it would be their job to tell you important areas that can be improved on in order to increase your chances. As well as to help you see what can be a potential reason (that may not be your fault)why you haven’t found someone.
Bub
Important and unfortunately true. An old problem. I heard the same 45 years ago as a single. 1) Try to work with kind shadchanim. 2) Ignore such comments and trust Hashem. 3) Talk with a mashpia/coach/etc. to be sure you have realistic shidduch goals. Some singles & parents are holding out for drop dead good looks, yichus, money. Don’t be in that group! Don’t be proud! Find a good, kind mensch.
Mushkie
When I was in the parsha, I once rejected a suggested name. The shadchan told me, “You are too picky and will never get married”. Sure enough, no shidduch suggestions came up for the next few months. I strongly believed it was from the “cure” (premonition) made by the shaddchan. I made an appointment to meet with our beloved rov, Hagaon Harav Dovid Schochet z”l of Toronto. – continued-
Mushkie
-continued-
The Rebbetzin took me to his office, a room lined wall to wall with seforim. He was in the middle of learning. He immediately asked me the details of what happened and my worry. He then told me that words are indeed powerful, and negative comments directed at a person can cause damage. He then took out a safer from his bookcase, opened it and recited from there a certain tefilah….
Mushkie
continued
I don’t know what kind of sefer it was, but he told me to answer amen, and gave me a brocha to become engaged within the year. A few weeks later, a suggestion came up and B”H I am now happily married with several children.
Point is: Shadchanim, be careful with your words, negative comments can really be, not just hurtful but actually very harmful!! I was lucky to have a Rov to fix it.