91 Comments

• wtvr

  U know kid as much as one can sympathize with your plight, it’s really not all about you.

  As far as being special goes, well, everyone is special and if everyone is special then no one is.

  Cut it out with the therapy and psychobabble and take responsibility for yourself and your children

• don`t do it again

  After all the fancy talk,sir,I hope you will be more of a shtikel mentch than you were in your previous marriage.It is scary to read”I know that I am a GREAT person,aGREAT father…“`.How do you figure that?Stop all the psycology jargon and take a good look in the mirror.Young man,it is not all about you.You didnt understand that when you were 25 and you don`t seem to understand that now.You ,THE GREAT FATHER,have fancy plans to move to l.a.and pray tell us, where are your children,also in L.A.??Get a grip, stop thinking that it is all aabout YOU and YOUR wishes and needs-ver a shtikel mentch before you do the same mistakes again.MY best wishes to you.

• A Friendly Thought

  I made a similar list when I was dating.
  I followed pretty much the same process you did, removing things that were ‘superficial’ and ‘not long lasting’ followed by numbering the remainder and choosing the top five or six to focus on.
  It turns out that philosophically, when analyzed in a vacuum, many things are superficial. But when you need to live with these idiosyncrasies EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, waxing philosophic or poetic doesn’t help all that much.
  In case you haven’t figured out, I too am divorced.
  While I commend you on your mature, responsible approach to your future, I would like you to apply your previous criticisms to your current decision. Are you labeling certain things as ‘superficial’ because our community dictates so? It appears you are afraid of being labelled ‘shallow’, are you compromising your integrity because of this?
  I suggest you take a reasonable balanced approach and recognize that your future life with your significant other does not exist in a philosophic vacuum. Your emotions play a massive role and are quite enamored with things that may be considered ‘superficial’. Therefore don’t completely throw out this ‘superficial’ list, find a way to incorporate it but at the same time only attributing to it it’s actual value. This means that before or after checking off all the boxes on your list, you stop and ask yourself ‘Am I physically attracted to this person?’ ‘Does anything about their mannerisms/behavior bother me?’. No matter how much our community looks down on these questions, they are still a massive part of a healthy relationship that cannot be ignored.
  I wish you much success in your endeavors and in finding happiness in whatever form it may be for you.

• Wise with Years

  Amazing. So well written, so to the point. May God help you find your true special one.
  Hopefully the younger readers will pick up on some very strong lessons and points you made here. I totally agree with you that previous marriages, relationships, broken engagements all that stuff should not be definitions and or reasons not to give it a chance! You seem like a very special, talented young individual who has a lot to offer and people can and should truly take some good examples from you.

  Once again – lots of Hatzlacha!

• psr

  so well said, so well thought out. You may have come from a less than adequate background, but you are going lechatchila ariber. Thankyou for sharing those well thought out words with us. Many people will benefit from that, and as well, its a chizuk for us all to work on ourselves and make quality choices, ones of Torah values.
  yoshar koiach

• an appreciative citizen

  Thank you! :)

• no name

  It is wonderful that you have had so much self discovery and admit you had a hand in the divorce. that is mature and very grown up!
  I do find it hard though for girls who have never been married to marry a man who has children and to blame it on “Social Conditioning” is erroneous. And for your information the same standards as you call them exist in the world.
  It isn’t social conditioning to want to start a “fresh” home with your partner. It isn’t immature.
  You might be a great guy but no matter how much you try to convince the world you will always have a relationship with your x-wife because of your children and i would suggest you come to terms with that. Not everyone wants to marry a man and have to deal with his ex wife and children. it doesnt mean they have let the social norms seep in, only means they arent interested in your baggage.
  Please remember that for some, in the colums you made about what you absolutly can NOT have, for them it might be other ppls children.
  someone out there will be willing to take on the extremely difficult task of taking in someone elses children. I do admire those that are able to do that. wishing you much hatzlacha

• Interesting

  This is a very informative piece.

  I would like to take issue with one aspect I noticed:

  The implication that the initial age of marriage (19/17) and therefore immaturity had an affect on the eventual outcome.

  Maturity, while important and beneficial on various levels, will not make or break a marriage.

  More often than not, waiting until later in life to marry makes it harder to forge a long-lasting relationship given that a person is accustomed to living by themself and for themself, and/or moving in and out of relationships thereby decreasing ones value for someone they are intimately connected to, and establishing expectations of their partner based on previous partners.

  Another aspect that comes into play when marrying later is, people choose a mate based on factors outside of the individual, such as the persons education and profession etc, while when people marry younger these things are not as important as one’s aspirations, and furthermore, the couple works together in building these factors, adding to the work they accomplish together, rather than shopping for them while dating as if they are integral to a good relationship, and when they “get” them, not appreciating it because they did not partake in building it.
  Similar to how Hashem wants us to bring Moshiach, instead of just giving Moshiach to us, so we appreciate it and value it all that much more.

  I would be interesting if divorce rate were to be grouped by five year brackets of age of marriage.

  Clearly, based on recent history, as the age of marriage among the general population rose, so did the divorce rate. (Disclaimer: other factors (besides for age of marriage) may come into play as well.)

  No matter the age or maturity level of a couple, the greatest cause of divorce is expectations, and an immature couple likely does not think far enough ahead to have solid faulty expectations.

  In the case above, as has been alluded to, the marriage itself was secondary, primarily serving as an escape from unrelated issues, family life etc. The fact that relationship deterioration was noticed prior to the marriage, and the marriage happening anyway highlights this as well.

  Brochoh Vehatzlochoh

• not sure

  I commend you for trying to better yourself and all, but I really feel qualified to belt out all that psycho mumbo jumbo.

  I also find it strange that in the same paragraph you spoke about your dream of moving to LA (as if you were still 17) and what a great father you are. How does being a very absent father make you great? I’m sure your (and I quote) “three beautiful children” will think otherwise.

• Warning

  Except for the word Shiduch and shiduchim there is absolutely nothing Jewish or Chassidish about your article, not in its perspective, not in its goals nor of inclusion of Hashem, Toiroh & Mitzvois, etc.

  I feel that any girl to whom her Yiddishkeit is important, and plans on her life going in the derech of Toiroh & Mitzvois and Chassidus should steer clear of you and anyone like you.

• the anti list

  lists mean nothing, your job is to daven and have emuna in the abeshter and that will get you a lot further than any list.

• kugel

  Therapy is fantastic idea for people who not only come from a broken home but for everybody.

• Eli

  As a writer of Shidduch articles myself, this piece is excellent.

  I disagree that those from divorce home are more prone to getting divorced. I think it’s quite the opposite- they see what failed and they try to be better spouses.

  Your columns of attributes are accurate and a good way to represent Shidduch characteristics.

  I take it that you feel you matured faster than your wife in your marriage. Well, despite everyone saying you shouldn’t change your spouse, I see no problem in bringing him/her up to a greater character level, and teaching him/her maturity.

  Usually you expect that your spouse will be on the same level as you when you get married and are disappointed when they are not. I think part of being in a committed marriage means staying with your spouse and, yes, changing them, or rather, teaching and showing them how to handle situations with greater maturity, confidence, thought, stability, etc.

  This requires extreme patience, and it could take years, but people do change their ways if they are shown a better way. It takes a huge dose of rationality, patience, calmness and resilience to effect this. Your commitment to marriage should be to improving it, and sometimes that means showing your spouse how to improve themselves, again, with a big dose of positive character from yourself.

  Respectfully, and to your evident self improvement,

  Eli

• Let-s not judge people

  Every trait has an equal opposite trait (ze leumas ze). We need the balance of every trait. Everyone has every trait just they are expressed differently in every person based on their values. for example, spiritual for you might mean davens 3xs a day with a minyan for someone else it means making a lot of money to give tzedaka. someone is affectionate to their children and family because family is very important to them whereas they might not be affectionate to their friends. No person deserves to be placed in a pit or placed on a pedestal. We need a balance of every trait. So realize this when searching for a mate… based on dr, demartini

• MOVE?

  This is all very interesting but I have a couple of very important questions….Move to Los Angeles??? Is that where you “three beautiful children” live? I cannot think of any one thing as irresponsible as moving away from your children. It’s bad enough that their lives are torn apart by your divorce. They need BOTH of their parents close by and involved!!! Visitation doesn’t cut it! It’s time to put your children FIRST. They didn’t ask for this.

• Looking for a shiduch

  You are so full of yourself. You should want and should get married . But don’t you realize how much baggage you come with? A young girl never married to take on so much baggage ant not only other people’s children is too much. No one fits into someone else’s list. It sounds from your article that your children do not even get into the equation
  Hatslocha

• Changing your spouse? (comment 13)

  It is rather difficult for a person to change another person, especially your spouse.
  When one works on themself, on their issues, on the character defects they see in others which usually means there is some aspect of that defect in the themselves, it may cause those around them to be affected in a positive way. And I say MAY affect him because ultimately the only person you can really change is YOU!
  (you gotta Be the one to find the one!)

• Batya

  I think this article is very nicely written. It is simply from a man who grew a lot in his life and sincerely would like to share valuable information that can help others.
  Good for you and I really hope you find your bashert soon.

• Just one question...

  Are you serious about the comment of wanting to move to LA? Such a dream is what I would expect from a person with not a very mature view on reality.
  I understand the ‘dream’ somewhat, I want to move to LA as much as everyone else living in a cold climate does. But to seriously have it on my agenda along with finding a good parnassah, establishing a good home, good values..

  Beats me!

• The Author Part 1

  Hi,
  I will be checking periodically since this does in fact interest me a great deal.

  Firstly I would like to appreciate all those who took the time out of their precious day to reply. I love to see the various forms of personalities and inputs. In fact many shone out here in particular fashions.

  To those who put such a strong emphasis on being near your children. I do not disagree by any means, I too hold a great deal of being as close as possible for the children’s benefits. However, in this particular situation I cannot go into reasonings as to why it is different, as it will give away my identity and mainly for the simple reason of hurting my ex. I respect and understand her very much. I have great sympathies for her, therefore there is no need to go into further details surrounding this case. Let me assure you, that I have a very healthy and solid relationship with my children, and my job will allow me to be in their lives for the important events that require my physical attendance. Furthermore, I realized that these very comments as sincere. As they were they came loathing in negativity, I gathered that the individuals who have written them, have some sort of inner battle they personally are waging, for if they were mentally healthy, they would have found a more optimistic and positive approach.
  I put emphasis on living your life and knowing where you are headed, despite what social norms define for you. Is it not wondrous if you ponder for just a moment and come to realize that the Chabad-Lubavitch community in general is not such a financially stable community. I am talking about the majority of people in the community are either not working, or doing one thing or another. Is it perhaps because they have given up on any sort of ambitions or is it perhaps the only ambition they are conditioned to from a young age is to be a Rabbi, a Shaliach or something along those lines?
  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the community, I am just observing and stating what I see.
  For those of you who don’t see my point – look at comment #10!

  To #3:
  I hear your point. Did you make the list alone, or with a Mashpia or mentor of any sort?
  My second question is did you have any role model to follow in terms of what a relationship should look like?

• The Author Part 2

  To #7:
  Although I do not fully agree to your arguments made in your piece, I do however see your point. Therefore allow me to explain something.

  You are right when you are dealing with everyday regular people. Who come home, tell their spouses all about their day, tell them about all the negativity that went on at work, and move into what is called “gossip talk” – in other words “oh that stupid receptionist was dressed inappropriately again” or “That rude salesman keeps calling over and over again” > these should be avoided by all means. If you need to vent those thoughts, that’s what friends are for, not your spouse! Therefore, with that being said; A person, who has fully over came his divorce and fully got over his ex, should be able to handle HIS children and HIS ex ALONE – the new wife (whether she is divorced or not) should have NOTHING to do with it. The new wife, will NEVER be a mommy to the children and should NOT have to deal with it, since the Children will never accept her anyways. They should however see her as a nice woman that is married to Daddy – but not as a mommy figure at all. They only have one mommy. Besides the point – a person should never bash their ex, no matter what. If a person has only good things to say about their previous spouses, psychologically, the new spouse will have nothing against them.
  A final side note on this topic. let me ask a series of questions, and you show me the logic…
  1. Who normally has the majority of the custody arrangement?
  2. If a divorced man is now put into the same category as the divorced woman, shouldn’t they come with the same criteria?
  3. Why is it ok for a woman to not accept someone else’s children, but a man to accept the woman’s children?
  4. Woman are generally and innately nurturers or acceptors (This one is for #10 Mekabel) – it is in a woman’s nature to nurture any child or being. Can you then explain to me how in our generation this is not the case? (therefore my argument of social conditioning still stands!)

  In my personal situation – I assure you that my future spouse will have nothing to do with my previous spouse or my children, or my colleagues at work. I will not go into details on this matter.

  #8:
  I love your proposal for the type of pieces to be used in a study and I agree with you 100%.
  I am gathering that you may have assumed perhaps that I was opposing young marriages?
  Correct me if I am wrong.
  However, let me assure you, that in fact that is not the case. I am not saying that young marriages are bound to end up in divorce, and I apologize if my article came across that way. Your thesis on young marriages is correct. All I am trying to say is that any marriage despite the age needs to be modelled after a healthy one. Any marriage that is modelled after a non-healthy one or is based upon an escape, is considered immature.

  #9:
  I have the same thing to tell you and more: Dreams are what get us somewhere in life. It is not immature to dream unless you wake up and act upon it. In fact, that is called courageous. I am not letting someone else ruin my life and ambitions simply because we currently have separate views and goals in life. I think that when the children will grow and start asking questions, they will come to realize that Daddy is healthy and he decided to be happy and perhaps build them a better future with an ability of providing them jobs, homes and a life. Whereas, if Daddy would have stayed to be around them when they were children, he would be depressed and hardly able to provide for himself let alone for them and their futures.

  #11:
  The people who were led to the gas chambers also Davened. The people who survived World War II – acted! Point taken?

  #13 – Eli.
  I admire your post the most and it is quite evident that you are a relationship writer yourself.
  I totally agree with you about bringing your spouse to a greater character level – however this will only work if both parties are in it together. I encourage it – in fact I wish and pray that all spouses should inspire each other to grow and foster new characteristics. However, one can never force or expect the other to change. In my opinion they should learn to live with each other. My only argument is, that as long as it is done in a healthy manner. When the relationship becomes toxic, that is when we call it quits and move on. If the spouse realizes and tries to fix – right away one should be open to that. Never burn your bridges! Always keep all doors (and windows if necessary) open!

  Once again – thank you for all the comments, inputs and challenges. Looking forward to reading some more and continuing this discussion.

• great exercise

  The author of this article really did a great job. Are all his conclusions brilliant? Probably not, but he is maturely trying to rediscover himself. He should take heed to the above critiques, yet ignore the nastiness. I believe he will ultimately be better prepared the second time around and the writing of this article is a great exercise in readying himself for that.

• Ari

  I commend the writer of this article. He clearly has good intentions. reading the comments on this article, I realize how brave he is for writing this. Such biting criticism, and personal attacks!

  “I feel that any girl to whom her Yiddishkeit is important, and plans on her life going in the derech of Toiroh & Mitzvois and Chassidus should steer clear of you”

  How mean spirited number 10 is! for hashem’s sake, can’t you anonymous quibbler’s see he is trying to help!

• Montreal brains

  Before anything, you have to do right by your children. You brought them into this world and they are your primary responsibility. Your own (marriage) issues are secondary to them. If necessary, you should even consider delaying your own marriage and life plans until your children are older and they are more settled and are demonstrating that they are able to deal with the situation which their parents have created for them.
  You must remain in the same city where they are living in order to be a father to them. Don’t become an absentee parent. If your ex should remarry, do you want him to assume the father role in your place?
  Please prevent your children from being from a dysfunctional family, any more than they might already be. (Sorry.)

• mom k

  In addition to the list of what to look for, the advice I give to people dating:
  1)communication. Be able to talk about your dreams, feelings, thoughts. Honestly.
  2)common goals. Both should be heading to the same future.

• what about your ex?

  You talk about yourself-but what about your ex? Is she remarried? You may not have considered it but you sound like you may be a bit more mature since your marriage ended. Have you considered that she is also? If she is not yet remarried, you should consider that it is a mitzva for a man to remarry his wife. Consider how things can go better.
  Read the book Eternal Joy and see what the Rebbe said about marriage.

• The Author Part 3

  To #14:
  Thank you – although I am not too clear what point you are trying to make.

  To all those who have an issue with the move. I suggest you drop that topic, because if you would have had all the details, you might have had different views. These are not details that are to be shared on a public forum, especially when they involve someone else’s reputation.

  To #16:
  Thank you for your compliments. BH, I am proud to have a healthy pride in myself and to be comfortable in my skin. On the topic of a young girl “dealing with my baggage” – once again, I repeat, if the relationship will be a healthy one, and the woman will not LOOK for those “signs” of baggage then she will not find any, since I will not bring any of the baggage along.

  You see – let me elaborate for just one moment (since many don’t truly grasp this concept and it is a very common issue):

  What many people do after a tragedy such as a divorce or loss of someone or something – is that they sit and loath in misery. Of course there is a grieving process, however the part to be sad and to mourn is only one of the five parts. Another part is to get up and move on. Here is where many people lose it. They are stuck in the mourning process for a very long time. They never get up and heal. This by the way, is a big part of why 94% of divorcees divorce a second time. However, in my situation, part of the past two years were spent mourning. That part was about 2-3 months, BH I had a great support team, who helped me heal. I work very hard on re-learning, spending huge amount of times with mentors and friends who had good and healthy relationships. I invested much in building relationships with those people. That is how I grew to learn, that in fact it is possible to keep the garbage on the curb before entering the home. My wife will have no part in any negativity of my past or of my business endeavours.

  If you cannot picture that this is possible, it only goes to show that you are unaware of its possibility. Fact is I have seen it in multiple homes with multiple spouses.

  #19:
  Have you ever been to LA?
  What is your picture of LA?
  BH I got beautiful offers there – which I am considering on taking.

  #23 – Ari:
  Thank you. I assure you, that after what I have been through in my life, these comments are not piercing my thick skin.
  However, these comments only prove my point further and justify my outlooks.

  #24:
  Montreal…. Enough said!!! The town which seems to be going backward!!!!

• Wow

  I can handle the grammar. I would expect better from a college student, but that’s okay. Just please fill us in on what the point of the article is? It’s all over the place. For the life of mine, I can’t understand your point. That is 5 minutes I will never get back…
  I do wish you good luck though.

• The Author Part 4

  It’s really funny and quite absurd at the same time:
  After reading and responding to the comments – I chose to re-read the article once again (I encourage the reader to do the same).

  My point is proven time and again… In fact a new discovery has come to light! Not only are the majority of the readers influenced by Social Conditioning – in fact they are PROTECTING it! They are scared to admit the truth and perhaps change their views – therefore, they prefer to alter their belief system just a tad, in order to protect their perceived notion of how the conforms of society!

  These same people, who no doubt are struggling with inner self conscious issues, prefer to catch on and latch on to one or two minimal things I wrote and elaborate on them.

  Based on the comments – it sounds as though the entire article only spoke about A) me leaving my children or rather “abandoning” them as some readers put it. B) Me looking for a never married before woman; and C) My use of Psychology “Jargon”
  I can see a few points that I can elaborate on – however I realize that it surely will be a waste of my time. It is not worth my investment. I think that at this point – I can let the general public decide what they prefer. Live their miserable, cold, and un-meaningful lives bashing others. Or on the other hand, take whatever resonates with them from this article and move on!

  Should I go against my values and diverge information that can potentially hurt someone, let alone my ex? Hasn’t she been hurt enough? Hasn’t there been enough pain going around? – all this in order to get some approval from people who don’t really matter much?

  Should I take examples of people who live in Crown Heights or Montreal – on government welfare cheques and food stamp vouchers, who cannot afford a decent wedding for their children? Or should I dream big and act on it, then be able to provide a MUCH better life (Long Term) for the children I allegedly abandoned?

  Finally, those of you who needed a dictionary all along, and are afraid of fancy wording because of the lack of education you were granted. Would it make sense that I should try to explain to you a deeper meaning of life and how you are able to live much happier? How you should look for characteristic and intrinsic values in a spouse? Rather than looking on their past relationships and searching for any dirt possible? Had you been educated, or had you challenged yourself just a little, get off your lazy behinds and “by the sweat of your brow” work hard in life to achieve better outcomes – then you would realize that our beautiful has a lot more to offer than the garbage you are trying to dig!

  Sorry if all this sounds a little harsh and sort of like a rant. Trust me it isn’t by any means. Sometimes one needs to knock some sense with a little bit of Gevurah, in order to get a point across.

  Do I think this will change anyone?
  Not one bit!

  But there might be, just a slight possible chance, that someone, somewhere, might read this and say “hey! this guy has got a point” (or two) – and they might make the choice to live a better life and change. If not today, then tomorrow – if not tomorrow, then perhaps in a decade. (this is the internet after all!)

  I woke up with a bash on my head. sometimes it’s good to get hit (metaphorically speaking) – it leads to great outcomes! I am a living proof (at least to some).

• Malky

  Your point please? Is this like a long shidduch resume, or are you trying to tell us something?

• Mendel

  The vocabulary is okay, but the grammar… Got to love O.T.
  You seem like a great guy. Good luck buddy.

• Cal

  Nonsensical, self centered, immature article… Your personal experience is not relevant to the 99% and many of your criticisms are non-founded or stereotypical.

• Mushka

  You sound like a great guy! Any girl will be luck to have you, despite your luggage. I hope some girl looks past the figures on paper and gives you a shot. (real soon of course)

• Cmack

  Sounds to me like you need more therapy!

• To author

  You need to learn to stay on point, but I feel you bro. You’ll make a great husband to some lucky gal!

• OM

  “The people who were led to the gas chambers also Davened. The people who survived World War II – acted! Point taken?”
  DUH???

  Ever meet a holocaust survivor, or any other survivor for that matter? Acted??? How exactly? Lok up some WW2 photos of survivors and explain please how they could have acted when they could barely breathe. Read up on Nesane Tokef, Ovinu Malkeinu and other choice selections, and see why some do and some r”l don’t. Yes, there is a chiyuv of hishtadlus,when accplicable (don’t think Auschwitz is included) but above it all, there is the Aibishter.

• Chaim.

  to 21 point 11
  I don’t understand why your letter (article) is printed here! you are a non believer, go write in TIME MAG. or the like.
  Hashm yrachem on your soul.

• Please, for everyone-s sake

  It seems to me quite troubling that you may be under-considering your current children’s role in the future lives of yourself, your new wife and new childre (iy“H). For the rest of your life you must remain emotionally, financially and phsically committed as a father to your 3 children. Despite your assurances to the contrary, it is impossible to guarantee that your new wife would have ”nothing to do with the children“ (as if that would even be a good or healthy thing). Circumstances change. Later in life you may want to be physically closer to the children, or even take on more custody. If not now, perhaps when they are teenagers. Therefore you must assume that part of the top ”must-have“ qualities of your new wife will be that she is a great match as a ”parental figure“ (i.e. stepmother, not mother) for your children, which is a very difficult and delicate relationship to balane and mange effectively for the benefit of all the family members involved. Not everyone who is a ”good wife and mother” is necessarily going to automatcally be a great stepmother as well. Here are some questions that you may want to consider: Will your children be attending your future wedding? If not, how will this affect your current and future relationship with them? If yes,will your future wife (and in-laws)be comfortable with this? The same questions should be applied to other significant events in your future life and the lives of your future family. What would you (and your future wife) say if one or more of your children would like to spend entire summers with your future family? If they went to yeshiva nearby your home? Please, for the sake of everyone involved, do not underestimate the role that your current children will have in the lives of your future family.

• Happily remarried.

  Nice piece. One thing you left out is to have your radar up for sick people parading as normal. As a young person, I did not have my antennae up as high as they should be, weeding out the mentally and emotionally unstable. Now my daughter pays for it on an ongoing basis.

  My first marriage ended as a result of that, and b”H I found a very healthy person a a spouse this round and we’ve been married for close to 3 years, very happily.

• to 1, 9, 15, 24

  APPLAUSE!!! APPLAUSE!!!

  I’m not surprised the writer doesn’t put his name to this. It’s all about HIM, despite, as #1 says, the psychobabble & “deep introspection.”

  Instead of all the therapy, try going for some parenting skill classes. It’s what you need right now, because even if you do find some girl willing to take you on who checks all YOUR boxes (are YOU such a bargain??? You think because you know how to scam the system to get school paid for, you’re a winner?) these children are yours for life. You can’t just dump them because YOU are ready to “move on.” Sorry to say, this isn’t an uncommon attitude in male divorcees. I see it in my extended family.

  Finally, to the author….you are nowhere near mature enough to get married. You have it all figured out? What a joke! You need to re-evaluate your pre-requisites and look for a girl who will be a loving friend/mother to your children. Step up to the plate and BE A FATHER FIRST, before you become a husband again.

• To the author

  This is should not be about you wanting to get remarried. It should be about you being a father, to your three beautiful children. You helped bring them into this world, and you need to take responsibly.

  Little boy, it is time you man up! Stop with all your pseudo-psychology jargon, and start asking yourself the big questions. Have I done right by my children, and am I really ready to be in a new relationship? From your “article”, the answer is NO, to both.

  Finally, you have a lot a nerve as to call girls, who have never been married, shallow. Do you have any idea, how much baggage you come with?

• Turn off

  Most respectfully, sir…
  Your distant hands-off approach to parenting, is probably the most glaring turn-off in your rambling treatise, followed closely by your lack of Yiras Shamayim and ego.
  You immaturely brought 3 precious children into this world- through no fault of their own and know you must bear the consequences.
  How can your future wife be assured that you won’t have the same attitude towards your own new children?
  your kids didnt ask to be born. this is only about you – being a good step mom is not even on your list, it’s only about me, me, me.
  I hope you can read this with an open mind.
  Good luck.

• chana

  To all of you harrasing him for leaving his children:
  He keeps saying that we don’t have all the private facts to understand. If you take the rest of his essay seriously, trust him on this.
  My note to you, author, is to make sure your kids know, now and in the future, that you love them. That it’s not that you left them because you don’t care.

• To the Author:

  Hi ,

  I am comment number 19. If as you say you have good business opportunities there, then I take back my comment. That wasn’t clear from the way you wrote that LA comment in your article (apparently im not the only one who read it that way)

  You wrote it like a guy fantasizing about living in his ‘dream city’ without taking into consideration the reality of life, which is: It makes no difference in what city you live in, it will matter more WHAT you are doing in that city etc… If indeed you have those offers that make it sensible to move there and try your luck, then of course it makes sense to try the move. You should just know that you didnt make that clear when you said it the first time.

  Anyhow, you do seem like a good guy trying to work on himself, of course i wish you all the best in life. I am sure it isnt easy in your situation, and from the bottom of my heart I wish you only the best from now on!

• someone

  Thanks for thispiece. I’m not sure I agree with every thing but it gave me things to think about. don’t forget that trust in hashem and davening for him to help are a big part of sucess in marriage as in everything

• Eli

  Dear Author,

  I read your comments part 1-4 and it really seems you have taken the lessons of life and are truly committed to improving yourself and becoming a genuine husband and father. It is clear to me that everyone who is debasing you and commenting on your move or children are getting distracted from your main point of negative social conditioning.

  I also saw your comment on my #13 post, and it is unfortunate that your marriage was toxic to the point of no return. I don’t know all the details, but I hope your judgment was fair in that you saw no potential in your ex at all. (Maybe she did have some potential but was too hard to work together with back then and, it possibly was you- as the family leader, that needed to give more committed effort?) I am not judging you negatively, I am just trying to raise awareness of the possibility.

  Even if it takes years to to break through the disputes (It took myself and my wife 4 years and yes, I’ve burned my bridges too, but I rebuilt them.) I think it is worth staying together and having a bitter, yet committed early marriage, and finding happiness, connection and love later on.

  Consider this: Hashem gave you three children in six years. He thinks you deserved them. And they deserve their parents. Forgive me for suggesting this, but do you honestly and fairly see no potential in your ex to consider remarrying her? (if it’s Halachicly possible)

  It really seems you are turning your life around, and have a sensible and proper approach to marriage. It takes massive amounts of mental energy to make a failing marriage work again and you seem like a really good candidate that can face that challenge. I would love to hear if you would consider it.

  Eli

• MISSED THE POINT!!!!!!!!!

  I think most of the comments are from people who have taken what they want from this article and missed the point completely!!!!!!!!!!! People stop trying to read between the lines and read it for what it was intended to be! I don’t know u but u definitely sound like you are in a place where most of us strive to be at for most of our lives. Your children are lucky to have a father who has become the best person he can be and as a result the best father as well…

• Anonim

  I hate to say it, but your children are “baggage,” for the simple reason that you probably have to pay child support for them. It is only right for a single young woman to not want someone who must take a part of his income and use it to pay for a family of which she is not a part.

  Sorry, but that’s the way the world works. As Reb Lipa says….it’s all about GELT!

• old timer

  The Rebbe has stated numerous times that the most important thing in ANY shidduch is the actual fulfillment of mitzvas in day-to-day life.

• dee

  As someone who is divorced with a kid I find it insulting when someone refers to my child as ‘baggage’. My beautiful, bright, loving child is not a piece of luggage or a burden. Someone would be very lucky to have such a sweet and conscientious child look up to them and love them. Yes coming into a relationship where there is a child or children adds another dimension to the relationship, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact it can be pretty wonderful provided that both parties are willing to open their hearts and their minds and work together as they should in any good relationship. A single man or woman who is ‘of a certain age’ who can stop holding on to the notion that there is a person who perfectly fits all their criteria might find that their special someone comes with bonus someones.

• Not impressed.

  1) Was this point of the article to “get your name out there” and see if some girl would be reading it and asking you for your resume?! If so- WRONG way of doing it.
  2) You mentioned that your new wife will not be the Mommy of your children. With all due respect I must disagree with you to an extent. No she did not carry them in her womb for 9 months and raise them, but she is now the wife of “daddy” (Yes, parenthesis because to me and a lot of other readers it seems like your abandoning them- doesnt matter why you cant release the reasons as to WHY your doing that- its still wrong and not fatherly figured one bit) and she is now the mother of these children who like I said before may not be hers but they are hers! whats yours is hers, and whats hers is yours! Apparently you failed to recognize that in your first marriage. No girl wants luggage and if they are ok with it they dont want restrictions, and rules and regulations, and walking on egg shells. Think things over before you start dating again. Best of luck.

• nice...

  Now that you are responsible and mature, I am sure that you are planning to take your 3 beautiful children” to L.A. with you. Obviously they deserve no less!

• #3 responding to Author

  1. My list was developed with input from both my mashpia and my parents
  2. My parents have, from the perspective of this community, a very happy, balanced, stable marriage and would be considered quite successful. However when analyzed critically I consider their relationship to be somewhat platonic or diplomatic. What I mean is that there is very limited open expression of affection between them due in part to the communal norms and halacha and part to the large number of children that they have which consume their time.
  In this vein I would challenge your distinction between children of divorced parents and those of ‘stable’ families. While it has some merit there are numerous other factors that play a significant role in educating a child as to the characteristics of a healthy relationship. This would be especially true in our community where people are dissuaded from divorce, and having kids is seen as a solution to trouble early on in a marriage. Two parents remaining together is unfortunately not a simple sign that all is healthy.
  In conclusion, while I did come from a ‘stable’ background, I did not receive a good education as to the necessary components of a relationship including but not limited to communication, expression of affection, maintaining independence and identity within a relationship.

• Good father =adios California

  have to agree with the others that wrote that being a good father or great person here would mean- paking up your dream of going to california if it means that you need to continue to be a “GREAT FATHER AND PERSON” . And yes you will always be connected to your exwife and that is a difficult postion to ask from another woman to deal with.
  I hear that you have had therapy, have your children?
  We each one of us come to a marriage with preconceived notions – some correct and others misinformed. There is no perfect marriage and no perfect person on G-ds earth. And everyone has hangups. You just need to know how to deal with those that come with you and your chosen mate.
  No one perfects parenting or marriage and we each learn to live with one anothers blessings as well as packages.
  A healthy relationship is one where you reconize that there are those things you can’t change about a person and they are annoying but they aren’t the whole of the person and its the important things that you live and learn about and with one another.
  Cruelty and a sick mind are not things people should have to live with.
  But can anyone of us say that we haven’t started out our marriages with immaturity and that as we look back we see how immature our decisions were and today how we have grown and still have growing to yet to do.
  Thats life.
  You learn as you live and hopefully for the better.
  good luck!

• Andrea Schonberger

  For crying out loud!!! What about the 3 children you fathered? I don’t see them fitting in with your new life. ARE they to be tossed aside as you go your merry way? My husband’s father pulled the same stunt and did he live to regret it. I’m 100% in favor of your divorce/get if your husband or wife is into drugs, alcohol, gambling, physical/sexual abuse, or affairs and they refuse to get help and make a change for the better–but if that is not the case then it’s your DUTY to see the marriage through until the youngest child is 18 years old. I could put on a good show for the well-being of my children and so can you.

• to#50

  Try getting the community to buy what you are saying first.

• GadolHador

  Why don’t you get back together with your ex-wife, with whom you made three precious souls. You talked about coming from an unstable home and guess what, you made an unstable home for your kids. Get your ex-wife into therapy and work on this together. Get remarried and raise the kids right. You owe it to them. They didn’t ask to be in this world so you have a massive responsibility to them.

• Anon

  It is still better to divorce than to live in a sick marital relationship because a sick relationship makes you physically, psychologically and spiritually sick.

• anonymous

  where do you take your psychology and therapy sessions online ?

• The Author Part 5

  Let’s dispel the darkness of some unfortunate people – with some light…

  #33, 35: Thank you!
  #36: I apologize if it hit a raw nerve – I didn’t mean to come across in a negative way. My belief is that it is not enough to sit around and wait things to happen just because we are praying. We need to get up, work hard, persevere – then pray to God that all works out.
  #38: My Children are too young for that at this time. By the time that they will be teenagers – hopefully my new wife will be more mature and able to “handle” them.

  #43 – Chana: I sincerely appreciate it! You are wise!

  #44 / 19: You are right; But as I tried explaining in my comments before – that my move is not one of my main parts of my article: Unfortunately, some individuals decided to read the article with their own pair of glasses. They missed the point completely. I am still debating whether it comes for their ignorance or their denial.

  #45: God is in my heart more than ever before – I made it a point that this article was not to be a “Mussar Drasha” or a Shiur = there are plenty of those. But I believe that I have a great connection to Hashem in a personal way which I didn’t feel the need to “Publicize”.

  #46 – Eli: I Simply Love you! Thank you for reading my comments and for replying. I appreciate something genuine! Let me tell you one thing…
  I did not leave my marriage ; I believe my ex is an amazing person in every way, shape and form ; if she were to prove her maturity and growth, I will get back with her immediately ; This is what I meant by keeping doors and windows open. All I need to see is a small step from her – and I am willing to do my part. Unfortunately – that is not the case, and I cannot keep waiting around. Life is too precious to let it fly us by.

  Older readers – please indulge us… How fast did the past 10-20 years go by???

  #47: You brought tears to my eyes… Thank you. My Children ARE the best!

  #48: You’re sad if Money is all that matters to you. There was once an older gentleman in my community that used to see me Davening quickly and always in a rush, he asked me where was I rushing to? I told him to bring Parnassa to my family… His answer was the wisest I have ever heard… “If you run after money, money will run away from you!”
  These are some thoughts to ponder!

  #50: Couldn’t agree with you more!!! Children are humans, precious and unique – someone who cannot “Accept” them – should stay miles away!!!

  #51: Although I decided not to reply to negative comments – due to the lack of energy, time and cyber-space = Let me assure you that I don’t need CH.info to help me “get my name out there” – BH I have an awesome network of people working on that.

• The Author Part 6

  #52: I wish!!!! If my ex would like to move there – it would be awesome! Furthermore = you want to talk about fantasies??? well here’s one…
  I wish, she and I will be able to work out our differences, and for the sake of the children get back together, then move to LA together. Will this happen – only Hashem Knows! Did I try to make it happen, more than once. Now I need to look at plan B.

  #53 aka #3: Thank you for your clarification. Indeed you are 100% right. But let me go further – in the psychology field, your family is not considered stable. Just because they stayed together, it does not render them stable – rather it is considered a non-broken home. This in itself as you have mentioned – is not too healthy.
  Stable and functional as synonymous, hence, in order that a family be considered mentally stable – it needs to be a loving, warm, communicative and connected family. Some of you may think this is a fantasy family – but let me assure you – they exist – I have seen it many times and again!

  #54: I am sorry to read you comment. But I must repeat myself – you and anyone like you – are the people I stay away from! Your toxic way of thinking is what causes our rebellious children and our unhealthy attitudes in life.
  Although I Seemed to write a little harshly towards you. I do feel your sincerity and therefore decided to answer you. I see that you really mean well and that you are concerned over the children.

  But I would like to make a very strong point (this goes to everyone).

  Let’s get one thing VERY straight here = By no means am I abandoning my children. We have a great communication, and they know real well that I love them with all my heart and that I am there for them anytime with wide open arms.
  Yes, I am getting tired of repeating it, but for reasons that are as simple as not to hurt anyone, I choose not to divulge any details of my situation.

  All I can say, “Keep your side of the street clean – and the truth will come out one day or another” = that is my philosophy. You may argue till you turn blue in the face, that is your right and choice. However, My industry and my work is found in Los Angeles, that is where I am going. My entire career plan has been built around it. That is final. The children are already in a tough situation, they are from a broken home, which comes with a bunch of challenges they will need to face as they mature. If all parties involved in parenting these children TRULY cared about their children, they would have been ready to make things work between them and be there for their children 24/7 = BOTH of THEM – TOGETHER. This is the bottom line and this is my point on this subject. Once both are no longer on the same page, they go their separate ways – this is the nature of the world.

  Unfortunately, my article has been taken out of context completely. It was intended to:
  A) Educate and help ANY person in the Shidduch process (whether never married or whatever)
  B) Break some stupid stereotypes and social conditioning norms.
  C) In a way, show married people who might be struggling what it will look like if they were to separate and Chas Veshalom Divorce.

  Nothing less and nothing more.

• Please

  Sorry babe, but no details are necessary when u are discussing a move to LA because the physical presence of a father is crucial to the lives of 3 children and I am not trying to be dramatic or negative.I worked in the field for many years and I had many patients who described their lives without a parent esp one who chose to leave even with ALL THE RIGHT AND RATIONAL reasons. I’ve seen women move because of financial reasons and I’ve seen men move too or even died and still children don’t care- they always feel a void and skyping won’t make up for it. I’m telling you this from witnessing the hurt and pain so many lived with. I myself have had a step mother and if you think they are not involved and there won’t be issues, you are deluding yourself.I am not saying you shouldn’t move on and get a life because this is something u want and I don’t blame you.But I have to tell you what children experience. I had to send 3 kids away to Jewish HS and it still pains me. So please, think hard before you go.I wish you only good things in life-I mean this.

• TO THE HATERS:

  While you’re all entitled to free speech, I would suggest you at least attempt to engage in logical argumentation, instead of getting caught up in the “scandalous” minor details.
  Although I don’t exactly agree with everything the author said, your response seems to validate the point he made at the beginning of the article. Many of you have indeed fallen prey to pre-concieved notions that “society” set forth, which you believe must be adhered to. This article is by no means a universal truth, but the author has presented his views the way he sees the world, from his expieriences. So my question is why can’t you give him the courtesy of doing the same? Why can’t you just focus on what he is actually saying and stop lecturing him on how to raise his kids and dream his dreams?

• What an ego

  I hope things work out well for you. I also hope you learn to be a more humble & selfless person, one who is open to hearing opposite points of view. I suggest you find a mashpia (not a yes-man, but someone who will be really honest so you can get unbiased opinions.) I also hope your next wife, may G-d help her, has the stamina (physically, mentally & spiritually) to deal with the fact that she will likely be married to a spoiled, petulant child whose own needs are paramount.

  You didn’t tell us why you got divorced & it probably doesn’t matter, unless the way you are now is an older & more rationalizing version of you as a husband. Quite honestly, I don’t think you’re much of a bargain for any girl/lady who has any self esteem. You’re looking for a doormat, not a wife.

• S.L.

  I come from a divorced home and I look at the positive qualities of my parents relationship and take from it what I can, and B“H i have had many wonderful role models in my life and IY”H I hope to marry my bashert and be with him for the rest of my life.

  As much as divorced parents can have an effect on you, once you have had enough exposure to people and shluchim with good, healthy, torah true relationships, with Hashem’s help you can really learn to not be a “statistic” of a divorced family.

• Question to readers

  I understand those who say a dad must be there, but my relative married someone from the same US city and settled down there and had a couple children. Once divorced, they both lived right near each other and he had the opportunity to be very much a part of his children’s lives. And then she announces her engagement to some Israeli guy and she runs off to Israel with her two children and marries that guy. Now my relative is fortunate to see his children once a year. What are your thoughts on that? Anybody care to contribute on this?

• Shmo

  Are you sure this guy is in school for marketing? This must be bad advertising.

  I guess bad publicity it still publicity!

• GadolHador

  I am truly disturbed that the author thinks it’s a good idea to abandon his children. THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN! Even if you don’t get along with your ex-wife you must live right around the corner and be involved in their lives EVERY SINGLE DAY. Otherwise you are only perpetuating the cycle. Shame on you.

• to # 63

  to # 63
  wow finally a voice of sense here.
  just because he doesnt mention whats happening to his kids doesnt mean he isnt taking care of them.

• Mushkie

  Dear Author,
  Your response to No. 7 shows that you fail to grasp the reality of moving on after divorce.

  You cannot both claim to have a healthy and strong relationship with your children and then claim that a woman who you are in a full-time relationship with should have no connection or concern about them.

  Furthermore, your attempt to put down women who want to marry someone without your baggage as being “socially conditioned” is demeaning, very very immature and shows that you possess a narcissistic world view that everyone else just has to fit into. There are numerous practical reasons for this.
  It might well be that a Besulah is high on your list, but you still have to deal with the fact that others have lists to. And your situation and baggage means that you are off most single, never-married girl’s lists. It has absolutely nothing to do with social conditioning.

  Your further responses only seem to drive home the point that you think that using words like “social conditioning” makes you clever and smarter than the rest of the world. But using them inappropriately to demean those you disagree with only makes you look ignorant and immature.

  Judging by both the article and your further comments, it seems that you have a lot of self-improvement to do before you get married again.
  (No offense meant)

• vayizmir

  @63 The fact that this man has three children that he seems to be prepared to toss by the wayside for the sake of fulfilling his own dreams and fantasies is NOT a minor point!

  And the fact that there are so many commenters that seem to care about this man’s children more than he does says a lot about how out-of-sync this man is with the Frum community.

  The fact that we care about the kids more than we care about this guys desire for a wife does not make us haters. We just have our priorities straight.

• The Author Part 7

  Dear God

  If you were human, I would say that you are absolutely insane for even considering to send Moshiach. These people in this world are so horrible, they are so shallow and so low. They are quick to judge one another, they do not consider each other’s feelings. They have a thought, they feel like they need to spit it out. They don’t take a moment and try to imagine the other person’s situation and they might be going through.
  These same sicko people, who are called and make up “the world” learn your Torah, but then act 100% against it a slight moment later. A small example is when a major rabbi which you gifted to us once said “the traits you see in another, are traced evidence of traits that are to be found in you” – some of this “world” have issues with the Rabbis – so you God had a awesome resolution to that too – you gifted the world with wise “worldly” people – such as gifted scientists and philosophers – which they built an expression that goes “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. The world had an issue with these people as well!
  God acted further with his great mercy and abundance of love whereby gifting the world with Talented People, such as artists, musicians, comedians etc. – some of these artists painted portraits of God’s beautiful world, capturing the beauty of people and the world as it is = the world responded with “pictures are fantasies” type of remarks. Musicians of all sorts, tried singing passages of Torah, that didn’t work, they tried singing about love and acceptance. Nope. In fact they accused the king of pop of being a child molester. The man couldn’t handle it and ordered his doctor to kill him. Further more the world kept digging its own pit to get deeper and deeper into a dark endless place – where hip-hop and rap was born. One of these so called artists came up with a lyric saying “…You’d have to walk a thousand miles in my shoes just to see, what it’s like to be me, I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes just to see what it be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go in side each others’ minds just to see what we’d find look at things through each others eyes”
  – that is when these great Chachamim, told us that it’s not Chassidishe and that we need to not go to low levels and that it’s not kosher. We need to sit and learn Torah.
  Well here’s what I say.
  I agree. Initially we should all learn and practice Torah. But then if that doesn’t work. Nature is that we search for other outlets. Until some people realize that this world is full of garbage and people are just too confused for whatever reason it may be. That is when the true Emes people go back to the beginning and start over. Not getting Nispael from what people have to say – despite if 99% of the world talks negative toward you – fact is that only 1% of the world’s population own 99% of the worlds wealth. Another expression that is out there goes “it’s lonely to be on the top” oh wait sorry – I forgot we need to talk about Torah. Ok – what does the Shamash of the Chanukah menorah do? He gets to light up the whole menorah then he is separated and put to the side. We sing to these candles saying how holy they are. Yet that one single candle is forgotten and has a Halacha that seems to allow us to use and abuse him. Shluchim does this sound familiar to you? What’s your relationship with your gevirim?

  So my question to you dear God..,

  We are taught to learn and love your Torah. But then we see how even our own Rabbis and communities go against it. Then they wonder why there are so many youngsters who rebel…? Then when we come back with our findings; we get bashed… Why? Just because these Rabbis and people know how truly challenging following Torah and mivtzot is. Then when they see this young individual – who only seeks to shine some light and help – suddenly gets it and it sounds so simple. That’s when their little demons come back to this “world” and they now bashing that individual with comments similar to “big ego” or “so full of yourself” and the like.

  God, can the world get anymore lower? Can you not remember history? What happened in Egypt? The Jews reached the 49th level of Tumah – they say that there are 50 and if the 50th is reach then there is no return from there.
  God – isn’t Marshall Mathers and his associates considered the lowest of the low?

  Thankfully, God, you are NOT human; therefore I think it’s time that you let history reply itself and send Mashiach to save us from all this adversity despite it looking and seeming that we are not REALLY suffering. But trust me we are!

  Lets do our part to bring Mashiach despite what the world says. It’s the only thing that can save us!

• rochel

  Buddy, I don’t know if you got the memo but those of us who work in the Psychology field stopped using the term ‘broken home’ a while ago.

  If this article was meant to be a Public Service Announcement, your writing failed to convey any public service. Just a need for a lot of back-patting and self-obsession.

  By the way, your comment about people who died in the Holocaust were the ones who davened and those who survived were the ones who acted– what an arrogant, ignorant statement. Just another sign that in all of your journey, you still have not developed a real sense of humility in how life works.

  I wish you the best of luck in making your dreams come true. And good luck in finding a new wife who has nothing to do with your kids.

• 2 the ppls who always c bad in everythin

  this goes 4 u: when i find fault with all i see, it’s time to start looking for whats wrong with me!!

• ????

  What’s your issue with Montreal bro?

• Anybody out there have brains?!

  I find it hard to believe how stupid people can be….Reading the comments just shows me how non caring people are, and are really DUMB in my opinion. If people cannot see how this article is meant for GOOD and is a NICE one, than I dont know what to say….Seriously people get a life and start looking positive!
  The man is NOT leaving his children….He has a life and can go after it too..what is wrong? The children will be a part of that and benefit too when the father is happier!

• I am #63

  To #71 and all who agree with him:
  The author’s personal life is a minor point in the sense that it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Seriously, did you even read the article? It seems to me that you didn’t, as you are absolutley and completley missing the point. All this talk about his children is so ridiculously irrelevent.
  Did the author ask for advice on how to raise his kids? Did he ask for your stamp of approval on how he wants to live his life? NO!
  Judging him and condemning him for something that is between him, his family, and G-d, is not only wrong, it is reprehensible.
  Since this is really infuriating, might I add that none of you are perfect. In fact most the people commenting are highly imperfect and probably do not take their own advice. Now, I’m not judging you, as I really do not care how you live your lives, but what I’m saying is: stop being so quick to judge others. You want to do some good in this world? Condemning this man is not the way to do it! Why don’t you take your own advice and apply it to your own lives? And if you really want to go out there and change the world and make it better place, it is not going to happen by critisizing everything that is foreign to you.
  Last I checked, this is not what Chabad is about!

• Vayizmir

  @63 and 77
  Are you the author or the author’s friend? Because no one else seems to think that his children are a minor point!

  If you are not the author, have you read his comments after the article?
  Your claims are exactly those made by the people who for years wanted everyone to just ignore the child abuse problem in the community.
  As a community, EVERYONE has a duty to speak up on issues concerning child welfare. As an adult he can do whatever he wants in his only private life but his kids are NOT trivial issues. If he doesn’t care enough for them, that doesn’t mean that the rest of the community should just ignore them too.

  If he is even a half decent father, he will be talking to his kids regularly, having them over to his house, buying them gifts, not to mention greater expenses like child support. The fact that he thinks his new wife will have nothing to do with people so close to him that need him so much, shows that he will be not just a terrible father, but a terrible husband too if he keeps going down this path. I don’t mean to be mean and personal here, but this is just so horrible that I really am lost for words for this man and his children. I really hope that he realizes how much his children need him, re-thinks his attitude towards them, and only afterwards gets re-married to a nice girl.

  Oh and author, drop the whole pretentious talking to G-d spiel and grow up. Realize that the people criticizing you mean well for you and your kids and are not the people of Sodom plotting your downfall. The fact that you wrote an article published on the internet doesn’t make you a master psychologist or give you right to judge everyone else as wicked sinners. I lose more and more respect for you every time you comment.

• Dear Author

  In about a year from now, when you have finished alienating all the people you should value, I’ll be there for you.

  When you’re finished with whatever is causing you to write this material at public forum in your jittery tense. When you are able to re-read the above with a mindset similar to people not in your state. I wish you the strength it’s going to take to overcome the embarrassment.

  I will be there to support you because I know that your intentions are good.

  I understand you and I think you are very sweet, but I think it would behoove your interest in realizing your dreams to learn that ‘easy going’ is a result of ’emotional stability’. That people who are ‘outgoing’ are the ones who are ‘affectionate’. That the only ‘professional’ is the true ‘achiever’ and that an ‘intelligent’, ‘talented’ person with a ‘good sense of humor’ will be the most ‘confident’, ‘spiritual’ and ‘healthy’ person you can meet.

  When you learn why you chose to split the above ideas by cause and effect, you may be lucky enough to connect it to the reason you split with all other major values in your life.

  I really think you’ll get there one day. Lot’s of luck, all the best and all my love!

  P.S. What an ego has a point, that’s why you can’t see it.

• The Author Part 8 (final)

  This is my final comment – since I see that people here are completely worthless.
  Trust me much thought, discussion and other things that are 100% not your business went on behind the scenes before writing and publishing this article. To be honest I have never published an article in such a public place and have no intentions in doing so in the future. I have a small blog of my own, with my own little following.
  I was asked by a few people to publish the article which they thought might help others. So I did.

  For those of you who are “losing respect” for me. I don’t need your respect or your approval. Chances are – you don’t respect yourself! My Great-grandfather taught our family that respect comes from within and it starts from you. Respect yourself and respect others no matter what. That’s what I do.

  My final point I want to make here – is that – many of the readers here sound as though they know me REAL well and they know my situation to the smallest detail. It’s funny. Last I checked – I only have a small handful of people whom I talk to on an ongoing basis and regularly. These same people know more or less my story and they took the time to really get to know me. I know for a million percent fact that they have not commented here those “special” comments.
  To those who “care” so much about my situation – I suggest you to pick up the phone, set at “date” with me, lets go out to a coffee, and lets discuss this further. I have no problem with it – in fact I encourage it. My message: there is a time and place for everything!

  Oh and last thing. I am by far not embaressed in what I wrote, nor am I “scared” of my identity – I am proud of my article and I simply found my identity redundant in this case since I did not ask for the publics’ advice – this article is not a poll – it’s a self-help piece.
  And no , as much I appreciate #63 / 77 for their kind words – I did not write that. As you have seen I kept identifying myself as the author – I have nothing to hide. I walk outside with my head held high and I am proud of myself and my accomplishments – for those of you who call it ego or whatever – I call it confidence!!!

• I am # 63, 77

  To #78 and all who agree with him/her:
  It seems that you are hopelessly determined to miss the point. I’m not going to repeat what I said before, as you are bent on disagreeing without even thinking. But I would suggest you re-read what I wrote and actually consider what I said.
  Now to address your comments:
  First, I am not the author nor the author’s friend.
  Second, I am not the only one who thinks this way. Read the other comments.
  Third, it is wrong and frankly offensive to say that my comments are exactly the same as the defenders of child molesters. This man is not a child molester. We live in the Unites States of America, in which people are inoccent until proven guilty. There is absolutley no evidence to accuse this man of engaging in criminal behavior and therefore it is wrong to apply to the author, what would be applied to a sex offender. A criminal compared to a man writing and offering advice about his divorce, are in no way the same. If this were an article about a man promoting abusive behavior toward his children, I would completely agree with you. I would say exactly what you said: that the community needs to take a stand and stop it, with the law on our side. But that is not the case here and so all this nonesense about taking a stand against this man’s treatment of his children, is absolutley irrelevent. Not only that, it is phony! First of all, you don’t know anything about his relationship with his children; you are only inferring and distorting based on something he said, you are taking his words way out of context. Second of all, I highly doubt you really care about his children, so all this crap about “think of the children” is coming from phony self-rightcheousness. If everyone were to take a good look in the mirror and consider themselves, I am sure everyone will find something, if not many things, that is nowhere near perfect, in which case I would say – take your own advice. Thirdly, and I’m just speculating, if you were in the author’s position, I think you just might sing a different tune, so stop judging!
  With regard to all the attacks, I am truly disturbed at how far gone this society is. Here’s a thought: would all of you be really saying what you’re saying if who you were was not kept anonymous? If the answer is no, then thank you for finally showing us the honest and dark sides of yourself.

• to#80

  This is my final comment – since I see that people here are completely worthless.

  I’m sorry I laughed when I read this.

• Montreal brains

  I’ve read all your responses that you have made for many of the comments. Becoming increasingly annoyed and aggressive, you complain about those who dare to counter you, sounding very bitter and indignantly declaring that they are either lacking in understanding or insane.
  I assure you that if the comments had been overwhelmingly positive in your favour, you would have come out and thanked everyone for their generous support. It was only when people thoroughly rejected your views, that you entrenched your position and persisted with your nonsense.
  Nobody put a gun to your head forcing you to share your thoughts on this website. You were expecting everyone to congratulate you and instead the opposite happened. Deal with it now like a man should.
  If you had not been willing to hear and accept other people’s points of view, then you should not have posted your ideas for public consumption and criticism. Like the expression: if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen! It is totally unfair and unjustified to complain and vilify your detractors when you constructively invited them to share their ideas on this site.
  Finally, give heed to the Chassidishe expression: if people tell you that you are shikkur, then go to sleep! Instead of lashing out at everyone who disagreed with you, you could have thanked them for their thoughts and for having taken the time to share them with you. Ultimately, that would have been the mature and gracious way to act, instead of dissing anyone who got in your way.
  As with all the commentators here, I am sure that everyone truly wishes you and your family the very best in life.

• Just wondering?

  Montreal Brains:

  Do you by any chance know the author personally? It seems you have something directly against him? I don’t know; but this is what it seems…

  In case you do, why don’t you take the author’s suggestion and call him or invite him to a coffee. Why don’t you break you anonymity and talk to him directly?

  I don’t know the author in any way, therefore I chose to not judge him, but then after reading these comments I must agree with his last comment. All those haters should contact him directly if you “so” “cared”

• Eli

  Re: 83
  The author did not invite everyone to attack him. He was expecting constructive comments, discussion and mature criticism. What he got instead was wild over-judgment and shameless anonymous hate.

  Dear Author, there is nothing more I can say in this public forum, except that you sound like you are mature enough to get on with life, and may you be guided by the always-guiding hand of the one above.

  Eli

• Be There For Your Children!!

  If you move to Los Angeles, your so-called “dream town”, (sounds very immature reasoning to me) and your children live in another state- then you are NOT “a great father” as you claim yourself to be.

  As a father your first priority is not yourself and your ambitions. Your first priority is your children and being a father to your children means BEING THERE physically.
  Working and providing for them is important but you can do that in the same town that your children live in. Remember that and don’t fool yourself into thinking what a great father you are when you live hundreds or thousands of miles away from them.

• Horrified

  These comments are a disgrace! I am honestly ashamed to say that I am part of this community!
  Most of these people have no opinion. They’re parading around like they’re doing the right thing, but they are not even close!

  Dear Author,
  I can only imagine how hard this might be, especially if you’re from this community. Being a writer myself, it always hurts to hear critics. My impulse reaction is always to get upset, but as soon as I get past it, I can learn and improve.
  This, however, is beyond me! This is not contructive criticism. This is a harsh display of cruel and hateful behavior. This is personal. It is not an attack on your writing, it is a direct attack against you. Reading the comments, it sounds like people really hate you and the more I read it, the more horrified I become. I can not possibly begin to understand where this is coming from.
  My message to you: you are not alone, so don’t give up. There are those of us who read your article and really, truly appreciated it. Don’t get let down by these “worthless” people. Continue doing what you are doing because what you are doing is good! Who cares what a bunch of mean idiots think or say? You are better than them. They are only spreading more darkness and honestly I think we have enough of that already. Continue doing good and with G-d’s help, you’ll go far.

• just sayin

  Living with children is not always realistic.

  Say mendel from Denver marries Mushkie from Kansas City and they settle down in Crown Heights. After a child and rocky 2 years of marriage they divorce. Mushkie moves back into her parents home with her baby.

  Not necessarily is Mendel ready to move to KC to live near his child. It is doubtful that Mendel would have the necessary support to live there. Worse yet, the KC community may even shun him if they take Mushkie’s side (which being that she’s a KC native, they likely would take her side). So. Just to assume that dads should always live in the same city as their children is naive and ill informed.

• to Eli

  There is no such thing as addressing a controversial subject and only get constructive comments. What author got, was 40 percent complimentary, 50 percent critical/constructive and 10 percent harsh criticism. That is totally typical in blogs such as this one. I actually complimented him in my earlier comment, but he has room to grow in maturity now that I see how he started getting confrontational and ended up totally losing it at the end (“people here are totally worthless”…).

  What he did do is get himself into a situation he isn’t mature enough yet at the moment to handle. To address the readers of a forum, and totally lose it at the end, diminishes his own respect more than anybody else’s. I hope he grows from this experience and doesn’t use it as an opportunity to hate the whole world. He has the benefit of anonymity not to take offense out of shame, but rather to only utilize this experience to learn. And of course I only wish him, his children and all of klal yisroel well.

• My 2 cents

  Let’s see all of you getting attacked and how you will react… I would be ready to bargain that you would go nuts and way more “out of line” than what the author did (or didn’t)
  I personally think that the author did a great job despite all. Is he perfect – far from it. Does he still need to grow – for sure! but so do we. For his efforts I give him a A+ I think he handled the situation quite well and he acted as mature as possible given the circumstances.

  Realize that you did attack him Personally!!! he defended himself!

  To number 89: go back and learn some math… I think you numbers are way out of whack….! it’s more like 60% negative comments, 20% positive, 20% constructive to some degree and maybe 5% irrelevant what so ever

• Returning Bochur

  I normally don’t read these articles, but I happen to stumble on this one.

  I’ve only identified the author by his “Letter to God” comment. I love that letter! The author shared that letter with me when he was talking to me and outreaching to me.

  I have read these comments, I was about to agree with them – but then the moment I have identified the author – you guys have no idea how mistaken you are!!!

  This man is super special beyond words. I had the privilege to spend time with him and do mivtzoyim with him. He connects to his audience and impacts them so deeply, you have no idea. I was with him on one occasion where he gave a public speech – the room was all captivated and in tears. This man talks from his heart and he really means well. I envy the girl that will fall in his lot!
  Furthermore – those who think he doesn’t have a good relationship with his children, you are mistaken. I have heard him on the phone with them – he doesn’t miss a day without talking to them. I wish my father would talk to me the way he spoke to his kids! I was amazed.

  My message is that before you judge anyone – get to know them. I am privileged to have spent some time with him. He inspired me to change my views on all my negative upbringing and want to return and do better.