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Op-Ed: Is Marriage the Solution?

by Anonymous

About a month ago, a letter came out signed by many Chabad Rabbonim, Roshei Yeshiva and Mashpiim urging bochurim to get married earlier, at the age of 20-21, instead of what has been the common practice to begin getting involved in shidduchim at 23-24.

The reasoning behind this is, being that bochurim finish the “prescribed amount of years in yeshiva,” i.e. the system, at the age of 20-21, after which they are not involved in learning and are not immersed in a Chassidishe environment, they do not use their time wisely. As a result, some end up losing their chassidishkeit and varemkeit that they gained in yeshiva, some go off the derech entirely, and some start up Ebay businesses run from their basement apartments. Ultimately, when these bochurim do get married, the homes they will build are not based on the “chassidishe hanochos” that were the norm in their Yeshiva days.

Therefore, they reason, the solution for this is that they should get married right when they get out of yeshiva – “straight out of the pickle jar” (Which reminds me of an article written in the Mishpacha Magazine titled “surprise! You’re a Kallah!).

What was not mentioned in this whole discussion is the reason behind this phenomenon.

The Yeshiva system leaves young bochurim ill prepared to face a world in which they will have to provide for their family, unless they will choose to become a Rabbi, Shliach, or teacher.

Upon graduation from Smicha, bochurim are faced with the prospect of Shlichus (which is difficult to obtain), a lifetime teaching job (to which select few are suited), or blue collar poverty. Many make the decision that they will not live life this way; they join a college or start a business so that when the time comes they will have the means to live comfortably.

Marrying bochurim off will not solve this problem; it will make it much, much worse. As proof, you need look no further than neighboring communities where they do marry off their children at such a young age. When these young men and women finally reach maturity and realize that they are not ready to face the world and have no means for a decent livelihood, they already have several children and are pretty much stuck where they are. Many refuse to accept this situation, and it often leads to divorce, custody battles and subsequent appearances on Dr. Phil and the View.

Obviously the ideal alternative would be that bochurim sit and learn in 770 until the day of their wedding, as was the original intent by the architectures of the current system; but being that the reality is that many bochurim refuse to do so, they decided to whitewash and bandage it: Get married boys!

Who said the best solution is to get married? What if there was a single simple solution to all these issues?

Many bochurim would love to sit and learn after the system, but they would like a future too. They see the two worlds as incompatible – learn in 770 or learn a trade. But perhaps they are compatible.

Like if we had our very own “Yeshiva University” here in Crown Heights, a Yeshiva for boys who already have Smicha and would like to continue learning Torah as well as a trade. There could be regular Yeshiva seder until the afternoon, with Chassidus and Niglah Shiurim delivered by proper Mashpiim and Magidei Shiur, and accredited vocational classes for the rest of the day, with proper professors and standardized testing.

This will enable bochurim to remain in a Yeshiva environment until (and perhaps after) they are married, and at the same time provide them with the skills needed to support their families in a respectable manner.

As far as I was told, marriage is not an occupation.

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48 Comments

  • Logic

    The old way worked until now.. the ‘new’ way is failing miserably…. so?

  • To the author

    You wrote:

    “Who said the best solution is to get married?”

    Who said?

    How about 20+ Rabbonim who gave their Haskama on the booklet?

    Is their word not enough for you?

  • I am sick and tired.

    I love the Rabbis who easily sign a paper pushing the responsibility to properly educate our youth to push them into a pre mature marriage…

    Naaaaa… we didn’t educate them Chassidishkeit so we wont either educate them about life skills and marriage. then when they want to get divorced we will push the stigma issue…

    before you know it we will have a chabad version of Devorah Feldman and Perry Reich… no one sec, that wont be chabad, that will be chabad light, or better yet it wont be chabad at all.

    before you know it you will find out that the reason they didnt finish the system is bc they were molested… yes by one of the very rabbis who signed that stupid doc.

    Its time to cut the BS and think about loving and excepting people as they are, not what you chose them to be.

    Marriage is NOT the answer.

  • way too far.

    ok you may have some points – but seriously – its a very long stretch from normal people marrying young – ending up on Dr Phil or the View.

    Both women you are referring to, were not your typical chasidishe girl who got married young. THeir stories are WAY more complex than that…

    so you basically lost me at that point – bc your ‘proof’ is way too far fetched.

  • MaidofCH

    There already seems to be more of these institutions — Touro, ORT, etc. — that provide job training, although Torah studies can be integrated.

    While I understand the rabbis’ concerns, I can’t help wondering: have any of them offered financial aid to young newlyweds? Not just for the wedding, but for the rent, utilities, etc.? And at least for a few years. It seems to be getting harder for parents, especially those with large families. Or is it assumed everyone will just go on welfare?

    The article above points out the need for practical solutions, not just passionate pleas.

  • Andrea Schonberger

    Marriage is not a solution to anything or any personal problem. Marriage is a serious undertaking that should be contemplated by those who are truely ready for its’ joys AND responsibilities. Nobody should jump into marriage just because their formal education is completed. Give yourself time to grow into a mature adult, the kind of chossen/kallah that you are meant to be. Marriage is for adults, not boys and girls.

  • bestwatchman

    I believe that the recommendation was that they get married first do they be settled in their ways and then start the basement business as opposed to starring it first and slacking jewishly

  • Let-s be realistic...

    Relying on the non-Jewish government for sustenance shouldn’t be an option.

    Yidden should be self-sufficient. Hashem WILL provide, but we have to do our part. Bochurim need to be prepared in whatever way necessary to provide for a large family.

    It’s not right for women to have to raise a family of say 8 kids, AND work a job! As if raising a huge family based on Torah mitzvot isn’t already a huge job in it’s self.

  • Concerned Parent

    “It is highly doubtful that a Yeshivah Bochur who is [but] twenty years of age, is at all ready to get married.”
    The Rebbe’s response, published in Igros Kodesh, Vol. 28, p. 341.

  • So, YU has no problems? How Naive!

    This article is obviously being written by young, and somewhat hysterical young person with little real life experience.

    Taking an example from aberrations in frum society and extrapolating it to the entire society is rather, shall I say, unscientific, to put it mildly. It would be akin to saying should go into computers because then they’ll end up like Bill Gates. Both scenarios are highly unlikely.

    Times change, and with it, new issues come up. Forcing ANYONE to get married at a certain age is NEVER a good idea – but setting a trend to younger marriage may work for many. It is far better to go to school once settled with a wife or husband, who can serve as emotional support than to go it alone. Marriage is wonderful – it is not a band-aid, but it is a worthwhile endeavor and should be encouraged.

    The modern Orthodox have their own full slate of problems, including the highest rates of unmarried singles in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.

    The Grass is greener on the other side. No need to reflexively bash everything our good rabbis offer. Their advice should, at the very least, be given due respect and consideration, not mocking editorials.

  • Disallusioned

    If we heard about a cult suggesting that their members marry young in order not to go off the path, would we have any hesitation in labeling that as a cult technique to keep members in – of course when you are young and idealistic it’s all great, but when you wake up with a few kids and a spouse and realize the whole system is rubbish- who can leave under those circumstances?
    Getting married younger is only going to cause bigger issues – for the individuals and more importantly- their children!

  • There is no one solution

    This is not THE solution, but I think that for many boys, not for everybody, it is a good idea.
    For the rest we still have to keep working hard to come up with proper solutions.

  • what about the rebbes opinion

    is that not the main issue?
    why do you think this is a new issue? do you think fifty years ago was any different?

    i am not debating that there is an issue. all i want is that you say it as it is: i DISAGREE with the lubavitcher rebbe.

  • Avrahom

    This article tears apart the Rabbis letter. The point is about what is a 22 year old with 2 kids and no job skills supposed to do?
    The Rabbis letter solves one problem but causes more. With all due respect, the entire letter is the work of one person with a novel idea. The Rebbe never told 20 year olds in the US to get married and in fact the norm was 23. Lets brainstorm and come up with a big picture solution. The letter from the Rabbis was advice and anyone who comes from a rich family can follow that. However, the vast majority is not like that. In addition marrying so young will cause a situation with a 40 year old with 15 kids and low paying job. I would like to see the Rabbis address that.

  • To #4

    You’re wrong. As a person who has an in depth knowledge of the Chassidish world, I can tell you that countless couples in their community are miserble and want out of Judaism, but they can’t because they have kids etc.

  • why the goyish thinking?

    I so agree with #10. It is fairly obvious that young people will think they actually control their financial earning ability. And of course not getting married but doing some business al learning will…
    I am past 40, and in the past 2 years I went through some serious financial troubles. I am a baal tshuva, so I have my education, securely background, business experience and executive resume.
    Do you think it helped?! But in today’s entitlement youth will think it’s their decision to be rich. It’s opening that Internet business it’s passing the bar exam.
    So the news is that no. You can have problems later on as well, you can’t decide not to have issues later. It’s. Up to Hashem, and so the most important is to live a chassidish life also after yeshiva as well, so a. Hashem will appreciate the avoda and b. That you will be able to deal with the situation better.
    Marriage will keep a man humble and motivated, and if the values of Torah and Chasidus is reinforced and the Baal haBayit is the Rebbe, your life is set. There is very little more you can do than that.
    So whoever wrote this op-ed totally misunderstand the correlation. There is no contradiction, and marriage is still the safest and best way for a young man to live.

  • Concerned in MA

    To #6:
    Your comment is well written and right on target. Marriage is NOT for children.
    And to add my thoughts….it is NOT for adults who have no means of providing for themselves or their children other than depending on government subsity to get by. As a dear friend frequently comments “G-d provides, but more importantly, G-d helps those who help themselves”.
    Marriage & providing properly for a family (especially education of children) is not cheap & a well educated person with marketable skills is ahead of the game, so to speak.

  • david

    YOU SEEM TO LIKE A “NEW LUBAVITCH”,GREAT!BUT WE HAVE THE REBBES LUBAVITCH WHO SPOKE FOR YEARS ABOUT NOT WORRING ABOUT FUTURE PARNOSA BY GOING OUT OF THE REAL YESHIVA SYSTEM.JUST LOOK IN THE SHICHOS WHEN IT WAS IN AMERICA THE PEOPLE SAID THE SAME“NO UNIVERSITY NO JOB”.BUT THE REBBE SAID ONLY YESHIVA.
    WE HAVE TO SAK OURSELFS,DO WE WANT TO LIVE LUBAVITCH OR NOT!

  • Rabbi CPA

    Well written and exactly to the point but there needs to be further in-roads made in Chabad schools. Most Yeshivas do not have proper English programs, the only options in the US are currently Pittsburgh and LA. Trying to get a quality college education without a quality HS education is very difficult. For many bachurim, it is already too late when they are at 20 and don’t have basic English skills. My BIL can’t even read and write in English properly, what chance does he have.

    The point is to offer options and not to be close minded. If you want to go on Shlichus, enjoy all the spots are filled anyway. You want to become a rebbe, you must have a masochistic streak but enjoy. The reality is that you don’t know what direction a child wants to go in but you should endeavor to give him every option available so that he can be a frum Jew in whatever vocation he wants.

  • He has a point

    The writer has some solid points. People should get an education. We should get the Rabbis to sign off that every Boy at age 20 should go to a Frum college (like Touro) at night, and be in Yeshiva learning during the day

  • Aussie

    The chassidim of old had jobs or vocations or businesses and would make sure to earn some sort of parnassa for their families.

  • Signed The letter

    I noticed that the letter was divided in two, with only some signatures and the “op-ed” part of the pamphlet, and the other ones (many of the established rabonim” only after the 2nd half which was some letters from the Rebbe.

    Basically I don’t think even all the rabbonim that signed the 2nd part agreed with what was written there.

    The Author brings a good point!

  • Move To Lakewood

    I was told by a very reliable source, in Lakewood your child will have a very difficult time getting into a decent school if the father is not in Kollel.

    Go figure

  • Marriage is NOT THE ANSWER!

    As a mother of four married sons. . . I can tell you that marriage is NOT the answer!
    Our boys have absolutely no means to support a wife, (and eventually a family) even when they marry at 23/24; Where do you want them to have picked up or learnt any kind of trade, if they are made to stay in the so called system, all their single lives; Try and step out of that system, to attempt somehow to find ways to (c”v) earn money , and they are ostrasised , critiscised and their chances of a ‘good shidduch’, diminished hugely! My sons are all struggling with parnossoh, even now, 2/3 years down the line, and THEY married at a the later age 23/24/25 . . .
    Kal Vechomer if our boys start marrying younger, what chance do they have of finding and holding a good responsible job?? Maybe the Rabbonim who signed this paper have some advice and ideas on that . . . ??????

  • Read between the lines

    Even when bochurim would get married at 24-25 the Rebbe never said that they should be married earlier, not at the farbrengen and not to the hanhalla or to mashpiem IN FACT THE SAME RABBONIM WHO NOW WANT THE BACHORIM TO GET MARRIED AT 20 , 3 YEARS AGO DECIDED THAT THERE BE A SHIUR DALID AND THEY SHOULD COME TO KVUTZA AT 22-23.

    Read between the lines. The mail goal of the originators of this new proposal is to stop the kvutza from coming to 770. First they tried to have a shiur daled thinking that they would not come here at age 22-23. When that didn’t work out – now want them to get married at age 20 before Kvutza.

  • To number 20

    In the sefer shidduchim and nisuin published by Kehot on page 48 there is a letter from the Rebbe telling a person that he needs to have at least some idea of what he would do for parnossa once he gets married. unless he plans to go to a Kollel.

  • Concerned mom

    My daughter married a lovely guy who decided to pursue a law career. This was a a few years into their marriage. Those five years were a terrible financial struggle for them. Bh he has passed the bar and is now practicing law. What would have been so terrible if he would have started his learning 2 to 3 yrs before they got married? That would have cut the hardship years in almost half for them

  • Yeah I like matzah

    Wow, dont worry, be happy. You are in the Rebbe daled Amos. Marrage is work. life is work. work is work. and turning Crown Heights into a place to give the Rebbe nachas is worth it. So get yourself a Rav/Mashpa and jump right in. the trick is not to think about yourself.

  • TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE

    Here is the raw truth,

    Their is only one person responsible for the overall direction in one’s life – yourself!You don’t have to answer to anyone except yourself.

    When it comes to the 2 most important decisions of ones life ,a career and ones future spouse,don’t dare let anyone pressurize you,even if they dress it up with the so called “rebbe” advice in their right hand.When you stuck in the mud,all these people with free advice are nowhere to be seen and you have to pick up the pieces yourself.

    If you have the desire and the talent to go into shlichus-go full steam ahead.

    If you want to get an education,-go get the education.Education is a basic jewish value.

    Their is no shortcut to earning a living,we live in a complex world and one needs to get up to date with the basics.Education is a necessity,either an informal one-learning from a manager who wants to teach you or getting a formal education from a school.But in the end,there is information that you need to learn and understand.

    For all those that are worried(boys and girls)about shiduchim,I can share my own experience…

    I am a older bochur that finished the system and then went to college and I almost have never been turned down a shiduch because of my path that I chose,on the contrary lots of people look at it in a very positive light.Most normal girls are looking for a balanced person,that has direction and feels that this person can give them security,which has got nothing to do with college or no college.
    Lots of boys also look up to girls that have ambitions in their own personal life as well.(me included)

    Regarding age and choice of spouse,

    Again-don’t let anyone threaten you,don’t act out of fear or pressure.I have plenty of friends and relatives,boys and girls who got married at a later stage and are very happy,
    their is no rule for everyone,its your life and you are the one that has to live with the person.

    There are so many level headed people in Lubavitch,just because they not crazy, don’t write letters and don’t make a noise ,we don’t hear them!

  • chaim

    JObs come from the Aibershiter, however one needs to make a kelli for the parnossah. Going to college makes a person well rounded if his youth was solid in yiddishkeit it wouldn’t effect him/her. We all have to work, not just living off the food stamps and medicaid. Learn hard and work hard and be successful by paying school tuition.

  • No Silver Bullet

    If the Yeshivahs are properly instilling our children with Chassidishe values why are we so afraid that they will fall off the derech? Could it be we are failing in giving them a strong basis?
    Paranasa is in the hands of Hashem, but we also must make a vessel to receive it in. Is it so wrong to allow for higher or vocational education in a supervised and permissive environment for those that seek it? Making it taboo only encourages people that do it to fall off the derech i.e. if I’m being ostracized for it I might as well go all the way! Not all children come from homes that can support a post marriage couple and family. Not all children can stay in Klai Kodesh!
    Marriage should be based on each individual’s level of readiness. We cannot make a blanket statement suggesting all get married at a certain age, this will create chaos for those that don’t get married in that timeframe, and force those not ready to fall in. Fixing the current shidduch process is another whole topic!
    Bottom line is… there is no single silver bullet. Each individual has their own unique situation. They should be encouraged to speak “openly” with their parents and mashbian about what they would, could and should do “post” Yeshivah. If there is open dialog “without preconceived notions” many more of our children would stay in the proper derech and feel capable of starting a Bias Nehman B’Yisroel.

  • Chaim Tovim

    Well written article… keep pushing your view; hopefully you can bring change (unlike Obama…)

  • mp

    The Rambam and many philosophers agree that being a moderate person is preferable over an extremist. A bochur should have his years where he was laerning torah all day, but if he has intentions to survive in the world he has to think about making a living, and taking the necessary moves to achieve that goal. I found that yeshiva was good for me in the sense that it taught me how to follow halacha and learn torah, but it left a lot of serious questions unanswered. Also, if bochurim cannot maintain what they did in yeshiva when they leave, this only proves further that their time in yeshiva was an escape from reality, upon when they leave the bubble of yeshiva they collapse. Just be a normal, moderate person, and incorporate torah into a well balanced lifestyle. I think that is the goal.

  • Menachem Mendel

    The Rebbe said education to be strictly yiddishe and not secular. THE REBBE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE PSRNASSH OF THOSE WHO DEDICATE THERE UNMARRIED LIFE TO ONLY JEWISH STUDY. WHAT MANY OF YOH ARE SAYING IS YOU DO NOT. TRUST THE REBBE.

  • hashem

    thirs 10 in my fmaily now i b’h have 9. my dad had no edication. had a job then started his own buisness. now did we have lots of money NO but my dad didnt over spend. no leace car, no fancy stuff. no big bar motzva and weddings. now i as well also did the same and b’h am ok. u may have all the edication and no job like so many americans. so be smart how u spend and trust hashem is the 1 who gives no all ur smaty comments

  • What -s good for the goose

    Why didn’t any of these so-called Rabbis who signed the letter get married at 20.

  • to 40

    u have no idea what ur talking abt rabbi farkash was married at 18 plz check ur facts

  • Anonymous

    Marriage is never the answer to anything. The person(male and female) needs to have a certain level of maturity. Not to insult boys, but it is a known fact that boys are not as mature as girls.Isn’t that why Bat Mitzva is earlier?

  • Wake up and Smell the Coffee

    Look it’s 2012 and there is a real world out there and the young people today need a proper education and skills to succeed – they cannot continually be sheltered their entire life….getting married younger? ehhh??? what skills will help them support their families at such a young age? They can learn torah, chassidus, and daven, but that is not a hitshtadlus to actually making a parnassa….money doesn’t grow on trees. Maybe its time this community acccepts the fact the college degrees are pretty much a necessity. And getting married younger is NOT A SOLUTION.

    And number 39 – LEARN TO SPELL

  • where the Rebbe speeks this topick

    The Rebbe brings down in a Sicho he discuses about pharaoh and his command to “drown all the boys and the girls you should let live” the Rebbe explains the words “let them them live” pharaoh was saying let them live like egeptions and the Rebbe gos on to explain there is a pharaoh now a days also who is not G-d forbid telling us to kill but he is saying “let the live” with a proper education so they could earn a good living bring up a good Jewish family and even be able to seport Torah learning and yeshivas the Rebbe screamed and said this is pharaoh the Rebbe gos on and says there is no point in looking at other parent who there children look well provided for one with a home a another with a car one a doctor one a lawyer or at least a shoe-polisher and by being involved in Torah learning he wont even know how to hold a brush
    in truth Hashem is the one that sustains for all when we fulfill his will eco
    (likkutei sichos vol 2 parshas shemot)
    It is also well known that the Rebbe op is before a bocher gets married his time should solely be spent in Torah learning and maters of holiness and that should be a foundation to building a binyin aday ad and a home of Torah and Mitvos

  • To #30 Don-t be naive about college

    Dear Concerned Mom,

    I shall tell you why he couldn’t have started law school/pre-law a few years earlier. Had he, the probability of him being Shomer Torah and Mitzvot are slim at best.

    Please, don’t be so naive about college before marriage, it can ruin even the best.

    A Bochur and University graduate.

  • spot on 32

    When it comes to shiduchim for these rabbi’s kids,the first thing they look for is money!!??!!

    ATT 32,couldnt agree more!!

    Most people today are asking the question,
    “But we listened to the rebbe’s advice,How come things are not working out?”

    The answer is simple,
    you never listened to the rebbe ,you didnt even understand the rebbe,
    instead you took advice from Rabonim who arrogantly push their own agenda by copying and pasting one liners from the rebbe,its so degrading to the rebbe,(not a new phenomena-it was around before 3 tammuz also)

    The rebbe was an absolute genius who understood the practicality of life,and gave very practical solutions,together with understnding ones own personal tafkid and backround.plesae dont degrade the rebbe with these stupid one liners like get married younger,

  • Chabad not Satmar

    If just a few get married at 20 that will put pressure on the rest of his friends to join the crowd and get married too. The sadchunim will ring and ring just to made a buck whether the Bocher is ready or not. Therefor the Rebbe Mh’m never brought up the issue to get married at 20 even though is is written in perke Avos … It may be a halacha “aval ain morin kian”. Marlow or Harav Shwei or who kept Shulcan Aruch did not get married until the mid or late 20’s – not at 18,19 or even 20.

  • Someone

    All of you who promote getting educated don’t even know how to spell or write.

    Go figure!