Op-Ed: Yair-gate – A Royal Problem
There is something objectionable to the hard line reactions to news of Yair Netanyahu’s out-of-faith romance. It isn’t that the critics are wrong; only, they are going about it all wrong.
Since news broke that Bibi’s 23-year-old son has been seriously dating Norwegian Sandra Leilkanger, there have been some extreme responses. One anti-assimilation group scolded the prime minister, saying that were his son to marry Leilkanger, Yair would be joining the six million Jews who perished in the Holocaust. The boy’s uncle has denounced his nephew, stating that Yair is spitting on his grandparents’ grave. Furthermore, he would personally prevent Yair from visiting the burial site, and would tear out his own hair in mourning if they wedded.
Surely the prime minister is tortured by the prospect of his son intermarrying. After all, no Israeli leader speaks more eloquently about an eternal Jewish nation. Netanyahu turns a speech to young Birthright participants into a persuasive appeal that they cherish their heritage and Jewish identity. Bibi studies the bible religiously, and speaks proudly of his son Avner’s title of “bible champion.” Could it be that he is unconcerned that Yair might be lost to the people of the book?
Yet, the prime minister is reported to have spoken glowingly of his son’s relationship when he met with Norway’s Erna Solberg in Davos. This is a detail that has ignited the Israeli right wing, and one that leaves me mystified.
To be sure, Netanyahu carries the weight of the Jewish people to an extent, and as such, he and his household ought to be an example to the rest of us. But can anyone show me a Jewish father who has sway over his child’s heart? Sadly, this is the Jewish narrative of the time. Boy meets girl (or the other way around), and roughly sixty percent of the time, one party is not Jewish.
In dealing with this issue, one can tell a child who is at risk of assimilation that his actions are causing his grandparents to turn in their graves. But how exactly does the discomfort of the dead inspire him to want to live a Jewish life? You can invoke the Holocaust and admonish him for “accomplishing what Hitler could not,” but true as it may be, it won’t work. It does not work.
On the other hand, it’s shortsighted to claim that Yair’s choice is inconsequential. Some argue that Netanyahu’s is not a royal house which prince Yair would be destined to lead. This is a misunderstanding of Jewish identity.
What makes Yair Netanyahu special is not that his father is Prime Minister, but that he is Jewish and thus heir to an enduring inheritance. It is birthright that makes him and any other Jewish boy and girl royal. A single missing letter in a Torah scroll invalidates the entire body, as a lost Jew leaves a gaping hole in the Jewish collective. It is a very big deal.
There is specialness in being Jewish, and meaning in Jewish discovery. The critical, depressing, and irksome reactions to assimilation are uninspiring and unhelpful. If we are to retain Jewish youth, then Judaism needs to be communicated as the meaningful faith that it is. It needs to be transmitted as such, even when a Jew is on the ledge.
In our present Torah portion we learn of the winged angels that stretched over the Ark of the Covenant. They were molded of pure gold, and bore the face of children. Similarly, Jewish children are valued not simply because they shield our tradition as the Cherubim guard the Ark, but because they are a treasure with a golden core.
I recall once traveling to Paris to guide a young lady who was torn between marrying her non-Jewish boyfriend and embracing her Jewish self. It was a huge responsibility, and for many hours I desperately argued, explained, and taught. Before I departed, the young woman informed me of her decision to terminate the relationship. She would do so not simply because I had made a good argument, rather, as she put it, “I realized that if you can travel to another continent to speak exclusively with me, you must love me more than my boyfriend does.” Judaism would not let her go without a fight, and which girl doesn’t appreciate a duel for her affection?
To tempt someone out of a relationship, they need to be presented with something far more attractive. Few will abstain from marrying out because their families might sit shiva for them. But they may do so for a Judaism they can love above all else.
HaOr!
Moshe had a wife and she was a Cushite! Miriam was tossed out of camp for Chatta Lashon hara against Tziporah! Now what do you think is going to happen lf you continue to do so toward others. Moshiach will Not stand for it because He Knows The Heart of All Hypocrites, So Fear Him & Pray to Tame your Tounge!
Milhouse
1. Tziporah was not a Kushis. She was a Midionis. The Torah calls her a Kushis because she was as beautiful as a Kushis is ugly. That’s an open Rashi; have you never learned chitas?
2. In any case, it was before Matan Torah so nobody was Jewish and there was nothing wrong with anyone marrying anyone else. How can you compare that to dating a shiktzeh? (And yes, any non-Jewish woman who dates a Jewish man deserves that title.)
Giyur
wow its been a while and this guy has gotten good.
What if she is megayer?
Milhouse
If she’s megayer then he will be able date her. But it’s not OK to do so while she’s a goy, let alone one with no intention of giyur.
Anonymous
even if she is megayer, he will not be allowed to marry her, bc her giur is questionable in the motivation.
Milhouse
even if she is megayer, he will not be allowed to marry her.
That is not true. It all depends on the circumstances, and the judgment of the beis din. There are many such couples all around you.
Anonymous
that there are a lot of couples around that live like this is not relevant at all, bc the truth stays the truth. sometimes the Beis Din orders, that they separate for 2 years and the giur is done for HaShem solely and afterwards they marry… but to date bfore the Giur is always questionable, bc we don’t know what the motivation for the Giur is and this decides what comes out of the Mikvvah…
Milhouse
To date before giyur is certainly wrong, unless the woman has already committed to giyur before they met. You can’t expect a woman to put her life on hold for years while the beis din pushes her around, as it often does. But to meet someone and date, and then she decides to be megayer, is definitely bediovad, and not OK lechatchila. But it is not true to claim, as you did, that once she does convert they still can’t get married. That halocho only applies to someone who was suspected of secretly being mezaneh with her, not of someone who was in an open relationship, especially a relationship which is likely to be chaste (if only because she’s religious!)
K
“Dating” in the secular world is “ma’asei zimri” (znus. bo’el aramis). There is no “special” issur of marrying a shiksa, since kiddushin or nisuim do not apply. Living with a goyah is the issur, hence what they call dating is ossur like marriage.
Milhouse
For someone who allegedly learns in Kollel all day, your amhoratzus is astounding.
First of all, dating does not mean znus. If this girl is religious, then I doubt they’re doing anything much. At most, “pritzus be’alma”.
Second, there is certainly a difference between marrying a shiktze and being mezaneh with her. In fact it’s a huge difference; marrying her is an explicit issur de’oraisa, while znus is only mid’rabonon. Maybe they don’t learn chumash at BMG, so you never learned the possuk forbidding intermarriage. Boruch Hashem for chitas.
Milhouse
K makes a basic error in assuming that since the Torah did not institute kidushin and nisuin for goyim, therefore they don’t have marriages. The fact is that almost every society formally recognizes certain relationships as marriages, granting them a social and legal status that casual relationships do not enjoy. And the Torah takes official note of these institutions, approving or disapproving of them, and giving them halachic consequences.
K
When a non-Jewess is “married” to a Jew – she is NOT an eishes ish. Yes, non-Jews have a “type” of marriage which designates the “wife” to her “husband” but that ONLY applies among non-Jews, NOT when a Jew is involved!
K
When goyim (or l’havdil when non-chareidim Yidden lo alenu) “date”, we can assume that there is znus – they have a din of chashudim and in our day and age, the chashad is korov l’vaday.
Milhouse
Wrong on both counts. The Torah explicitly recognises intermarriage as a real thing, and forbids it. But K is a bur de’oraisa who doesn’t know that.
Chazal also specifically addressed marriage as a social institution among goyim, and its formalities, and recognised them as significant. Again, though, K has no idea what I’m talking about.
And no, you have no right to suspect people of znus just because they’re dating. And your extension of that to “non-chareidim” is patently offensive. It is nothing short of slander.
chabad
nicely written. the lubavitch way to look at things
comments 1-2
just wondering how many of the rebbes sichos and letters on mihu yehudi did you learn.
have a good night
Yitzchok Halevi
I think the author is mixing apples and oranges. The “extreme responses” that he is talking about are not an attempt to sway Yair and prevent an intermarriage. Rather, it is a reaction to Bibi supposedly “bragging” to the Norweigan PM about his son’s relationship with a Norweigan woman. In addition, there is a lot of anger at Bibi for tolerating and keeping quiet about coalition partners like Lapid who have declared war on the chareidi community.
These people would discuss the “specialness” of being a yid if the conversation was directed at Yair.
Furthermore, Bibi had the chutzpah to deny that Yair had a romantic relationsip with the woman and stated that they only “study together”. He also denies that he talked about the relationship with the Norweigan P.M. His arrogance is out of control and the response is a reaction to that.
M
Great now all these big media outlets picked up on this story.
Thanks, Deri, for airing this kid business publicly.
Milhouse
Surely the prime minister is tortured by the prospect of his son intermarrying.
Why? He did it, so why do you think he would have any problem with his son doing it too?
Moshe
Just because his father suffered from a shiktzeh (and than split from her) he should stay away
Soo inspiring
So glad to see rabbi marmelstein back on the writing curcit
Anonymous
the whole article is full of errors. to praise a mechalel shabbat as the leader of the jewish people … how far will you all go away from the traditional Lubavitch Perspective on the Medina and their sooo jewish kosher leaders? Sometimes i have the feeling , that with the passing of the Rebbe and with the passing of the true old students of the Rebbe Brain is leaving Lubavitch more and more …..
Bibi's 2nd wife
Bibi’s second wife was an English woman that was not Jewish but converted.
Converted to what?
To matza balls and gifeltefish eating country club?
Try to be a little less disgusting...
So, let me see if I’m reading your comments correctly. A woman who did not undermine the values of the culture in which she was raised and had no reason to believe she was doing something immoral by falling in love deserves to be reduced to a perjorative/slur because the man she’s dating is Jewish (#2,) while the man is some sort of suffering victim (#20.) Oh, and it’s totally OK to have the milk for free, so to speak, just remember to keep on dehamanizing that woman because she’s not marriage material… And if she goes through a long and difficult conversion in spite of all of this, it’s probably not enough. Grow up, gentlemen.
Milhouse
In a word, yes. That is the truth, and if you don’t like it tough luck. Your offended feelings don’t change anything.
Milhouse
Rambam Issurei Biah 12:8
Be a mensch, not an encyclopedia...
Millhouse, I think you’ve missed the point. Your lack of ahavas habrios is appalling and cruel, not to mention that however many citations you throw my way, I can’t help but think that you’re missing the forest for the trees. People have feelings, whether they are Jewish or not, and as a Jew you could at least try to be a little sensitive to that for a boatload of reasons I think we’re both capable of listing. There is no reason on earth why a man with a strong Jewish education should get involved with a woman who has no reason to possess the same and then act as though she somehow victimized him. (I highly recommend continuing to 12:9.) I can’t imagine anyone thinking “shiksas are for practice” is actually OK without being a sociopath or without some heavy cognitive dissonance. And if you don’t personally know what was in someone’s heart when they chose to convert, the armchair commentary is just more useless negativity.
Milhouse
I was pointing you at 12:8 in the Mechon Mamre edition; in most editions it’s 12:10.
People’s feelings don’t change facts. Outside the context of the relationship she could be a wonderful person, but in the context of her bringing about a a yiddisher man’s falling, she is a shiktzeh, and you should regard the situation with such revulsion that you should not have a problem with using that term. As you see from the Rambam, it’s actually a very mild term compared to what he says.
Oy!
As we all know, some Jewish marriages work well, some take work, and some are wrought with ugly, impossible abuse of some sort. I do think that although we want to marry another Jew, sometimes there are other things to consider. For example: a person just hasn’t found someone and their biological clock is ticking. They do find someone with whom they feel right with. The non Jewish person has wanted to convert for some time, anyway. It all fits. And it works throughout their lives beautifully. I’ve seen it happen, so it can’t be the one and only time on the planet that this (or similar circumstances) exists. Sometimes an open mind can do wonders for an otherwise problematic situation. Now, I’m not saying that Mr. Netanyahu’s girlfriend has wanted to convert, but I am saying that sometimes G-d’s plan is G-d’s plan, and who are we to argue or judge. We are NOone to judge! We are not in anyone’s shoes but our own. O Yom Kippur we look at and within ourselves, not others. t WE take heed of our own particular circumstances. I’m sure each of us has what to work on. That will probably be enough to keep us busy for years! We don’t need to be sidetracked by another’s life in a critical way!