Absence of Gratitude is Source of Rabbinical Burnout
There was only one non-family member whom I highlighted under the Chupa (wedding canopy) of my daughter eight weeks ago. His name is Shneur Zalman Fellig and when I was a boy of ten, from a broken family with a broken heart, he helped me heal and inspired me in the ways of Chabad.
I ultimately became a Rabbi because of him. From there everything followed. The Rebbe chose me to help found a Rabbinical College in Sydney, Australia, where I eventually married my wife, and my daughter chose to marry a young Chabad Rabbi from California.
I have dedicated books to Shneur Zalman and speak of his contribution to my life constantly. I do so not because I am a good and grateful person but rather because, in the spirit of Hillel’s dictum That which you hate never do unto others, I know what it’s like to feel forgotten and I never wish to inflict it on anyone who has been kind to me.
Twenty-five years ago research indicated that clergy handled stress better than most professions. Now, one in five clergy, according to Roy Oswald of the Alban Institute, score high on the burn-out scale, with Rabbis being at the top of the pack.
Most blame 70-hour workweeks for the burnout but that is simply not accurate. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich will spend more hours per week campaigning. Yet they seem invigorated from the large crowds who cheer them like heroes. Wall Street bankers put in killer weeks. But they don’t evince the same weariness and exhaustion as many Rabbis, sustained as they are with colossal bonuses that make them feel appreciated.
Rather, the real reason Rabbis, Ministers, and Priests are burning out is an absence of communal thanks and personal gratitude.
The heart is like an aperture and few things have served to close mine more than astonishing acts of ingratitude perpetrated by people whose lives I have changed for the better. To be sure, I try and fight it, as one must. I never wish to be a victim and seek always to be master of my own emotional domain. Moreover, the work I did was for God, humanity, and the Jewish people, and never to obtain a reward. But rabbis are human, too, and we require the same small tokens of appreciation that constitute basic vitamins by which the soul is nourished.
As a rabbi on campus in the UK for 11 years, my wife and I every year fed thousands of students, studied with hundreds, and brought tens to Jewish observance. We were responsible for having introduced scores of young people to their spouses. I nursed them through their early relationships and placed the marriage on a solid footing. Yet, I later noticed that there was no more assured way of losing a friendship than to do something life-changing for another person. There was the couple for whom I served as matchmaker and counseled through stormy times for more than a year who did not even invite me to their wedding. There was the student whom I prodded to date a woman he professed to have no interest in yet is happily married now many years later. I assisted this student through very difficult professional and personal ordeals and introduced him to many friends who became central to his life professionally and personally. Today, I can barely get him to return an email. And then there were the students to whom I taught the Aleph Bet, the very rudiments of Judaism, and who, over a three-year period, recalibrated their lives to embrace a deep spiritual commitment. But when approached for simple support of my work so that others might experience the same they often tell me that they are too committed to other organizations. I hear similar stories from other Rabbis constantly.
What could account for good people behaving so ungratefully? It’s summed up in the famous story of the Bible regarding the lack of appreciation shown to Joseph by Pharaoh’s chief butler whom the Bible says “did not remember Joseph and forgot him.” Why the repetition? Gratitude is innate. But while it is unnatural not to be touched by human kindness and have it etched on one’s heart, people also wish to feel they are innovative and self-made. They therefore find it difficult to acknowledge a glaring debt of gratitude to another, fearing that ascribing their success to others will compromise their own sense of accomplishment. They therefore shirk any sense of obligation by consciously denying the debt. Thus, the butler did not merely fail to remember Joseph, he consciously chose to forget him.
Rabbis and clergy are particularly vulnerable to lack of gratitude from their communities for a number of reasons. First, their contribution to people’s lives is often spiritual and therefore less tangible than someone who, say, gave you your first job. Second, people usually seek out Rabbis only when their lives are in crisis and forget them once the situation improves. Third, there is an expectation in society that clergy are meant to be spiritual men who give but expect nothing in return, not even a thank you or simply staying in touch, let alone monetary compensation even though they too have families and bills to pay like everyone else. A Rabbi’s time, unlike, say, an attorney, is rarely valued.
But giving and feeling forgotten is the principal reason why an astonishing 75 percent of all divorces today are initiated by wives who feel unappreciated by narcissistic husbands.
The focus of Chanuka is not on a great military victory, seeing as the triumph was short-lived. The Hasmonean dynasty it created would lead just a few generations later to civil war between brothers Hyrcanus and Aristobulus and their catastrophic appeal for intervention to Roman General Pompey the Great, which would eventually lead to the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. Rather, Chanuka celebrates the gratitude offered by the Jews for having obtained their victory. Rather then build victory arches to their own military prowess the Maccabees lit God’s menorah and ascribed the glory to Him instead. King David was a great warrior but he is remembered today not for his sword but his harp and lyre with which he sang Psalms to God to give thanks for his triumphs.
Indeed, the Jewish call to gratitude extends even to inanimate objects as Moses discovered when God did not allow him to personally enact the plagues of blood, frogs, and lice, seeing as the Nile River and the dust of Egypt had earlier saved his life.
My new year’s resolution, therefore, is never to again to fail to give thanks to those who love me, those who stand with me, those who work with me, and those have immeasurably enriched my life for the better.
This essay is written in memory of Machla Dabakarov, the mother of a dear friend of Rabbi Shmuley, who passed away earlier this year.
Rebbetzin says
Thank u Shmuelly!!! very well said!!!
Crown Heights
SZ Felig, and known to us by his childhood nickname, is a very true honest Man of kindness, humility, humbleness and affection to everyone. Shneuer Zalmen is most importantly very forgiving. Our family is truly fortunate to have him and his aishes chayil Mimi as our true confidant and friend!
no more of this garbage, PLEASE!
If you are a Rabbi to get kudos, gratitude & thanks, you’re in the wrong business. Gratitude is something that goes hand-in-hand with respect. If a person doesn’t have one, chances are he won’t have the other.
However, the pastoral care duties are part & parcel of “the ministry” no matter the denomination. Surely you’re familiar with that expression “no good deed goes unpunished”? I hear it all the time, from people who work in social services, for the Klal, medical personnel…why do you think you deserve appreciation any more than anyone else?
Is not getting a nice tip at Chanukah or for conducting a funeral a sign of non-appreciation? The fact that you show Hakores Hatov to your mentor is supposed to make us feel….what, exactly?
Once again, no matter the topic, it’s all about the great “Rabbi Shmuely.” Your ego surpasses anything out there. I don’t believe there is a decent human being amongst us who hasn’t been slapped in the face despite the kindnesses we’ve shown.
Burnout is not the prerogative of the Rabbinate. Nor is a feeling of “tzu kumpt mir.” The difference is, you express & expect it.
Shluchim everywhere, particularly campus Shluchim whose population is transient, are used to being forgotten. You want a medal for feeding thousands? For once upon a time having the exalted title of Shliach? That’s what this is really about, isn’t it? It kills you that you are no longer a Shliach, many years after being removed from your Shlichus.
Poor thing. We should cry for you? I don’t think so. You make sure you are never forgotten, even if some of us don’t appreciate you or your “work.” Maybe Michael Jackson or Madonna would.
Very nice article
I thought it was more a gender thing. That a man cannot acknowledge and thank someone for helping him because that will be acknowledging and owning up to the fact that he was once in need of help. and a man is too macho to agree to the fact that he needs help.
Men can have such twisted minds that when a man hears of another persons misfortune, even if something really bad happened, the first reaction of a man is to feel better, because now he has one person less to compete against, for dominance of the jungle that we live in.
mr quilts
I’m very sorry for your unhappiness, Rabbi, but you do, indeed, sound burned out.
Counseling your “flock” about your religion is your job, and something you are paid to do. Gratitude is nice, but not owed. I read a litany of grievances, nurtured for years, recounted with a somewhat whiny tone.
Giving with an emotional IOU attached is guaranteed to result in wounded feelings and resentment. As a practicing physician for many years, I can identify with your sentiment to an extent, but I had to realize that it is not about me, it’s about them and their spiritual journey.
I would suggest that you seek a counselor of your own, and , if unable or unwilling to let go of your anger and hurt, consider quitting.
vuven
I am a shliach as well and fully appreciate this sentiment and feel the same way. Nonetheless, I know many mashpiim, rabbis, Shluchim etc. Who place far more weight on their own perceived self involvement in assisting others when in fact they were 1 not that critical step along the way of life. Its easy for the frail human mind to misplace greater import on ones own role in assisting another. Not everyone that you come in contact with is positively impacted by your involvement and your burdening assistance may be negativley appreciated.
Greatful
Beautiful article! I wait all week fir rabbi Shmuleys articles and he never fails to blow me away with his wisdom. Happy chanukkah!
To # 3
Stop being so angry and mean and be happy its Chanuka
To #3...
Your poor heart is filled with terrible hate. Why don’t you let some of it go, my friend? Or all of it? There are so many who hate us out there…is it really necessary to be a hater when there are leaders out there who call for the death and destruction of the Jewish people…? Why do you hate? Please, search your heart and find some love in there and use that to bring the ultimate redemption…for your harsh words will not bring Moshiach closer..but love and kindness to your fellow man will.
5 Rosh Hashono-s
“New year resolution”?!
January 1st, a time for a cheshbon hanefesh…
Get real.
To #3 U NEED HELP
Rabbis are entitled to be able to feed their family . If they would get paid according to the hours they put in Rabbis’s would be living very nicely without any money worries! And the yeshivas and seminaries would accept their good children as students!!
Dovid
Hey,
What’s with the mean?
His article was about exactly that – giving thanks to those who have helped us – that most Jewish of values.
He used his experiences as an example – and it certainly helps people see what it’s like on the other side.
You actually found something wrong with it?
Keeli Leeba
Thank you, Rabbi. Your well-penned words have made me think about the amount of gratitude I show my own Rabbi. He and his wife have been there for me a couple of times during emergencies. Most recently, when in hospital and unable to get kosher food, he and his three little children brought me HEAPS of good, kosher food and spent time with me. This brought me great happiness. He is always there, 24-6, to answer my questions and his wife is there for me as well.
I am stirred by your words to show them the gratitude I feel. May you be well and happy.
Out of Africa
#3 Please stick to facts not conjecture. Discerning another person’s motives, including Shmuely Boteach’s,is impossible.
The fact is that Rabbis and Shluchim give an extraordinary amount of themselves, more than typically well-renumerated medical personnel, yet they more frequently face ingratitude, rejection and at times hostility.
I know, as recently I spent hours patiently counselling a seemingly normal person (without renumeration)trying to find their identity in life and have been “paid” with the most incredibly hate-filled SMS for all Jews, dead and alive, and Judaism. A psychologist would at least have consoled themselves with being able to pay the bills at the end of the month.
Hakorat hatov
Please, I agree with number 3. Enough of this nonsense. Communities appreciate when the appreciate don’t have a god complex. Many rabbis and bfrat suluchim have a god complex and think everything is owed to them. Well sorry it ain’t so. Life is a two way street. The best rabbis and community leaders are the ones that realize that without the community they are nothing and are therefore always thankful to their community and it’s reciprocated by the community and friends. Im happy for shmuly that he was inspired by someone who gave him guidance and took him under his wing. He should always remember that and it seems to me that he does. AfteR all it had a life long effect on him. To all other rabbis suluchim etc. remember Just like Baal habatimo are only as good as their next check so to you are only as good as your community. Respect them. To the many suluchim that think they can do whatever you want and not have hakorat hatov for anything. Disregard this article cause it ain’t so. Don’t kid yourself, if your not appreciated its because you aren’t doing your job properly.
Anonymous
Beautiful article.
STUNNED BY A RABBI
NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN A WHILE BACK!!!
dovid arye fridler
#3 sound like he needs agood psychiatrist. he is for sure neither a shliach nor a rabbi. I am not sure what is his problrm. most shluchim and rabbis struggle with burnout and when people thay have helped and been for blev vonefesh pay them back with stones rather than gratitude it hurts. shmuely said clearly that he tries to remind himself that he is doing whatever he is doing for Hashem and yidishkeyt but we are all human…
Hakoras Hatoyv is a major yesod for a reason.
PS on top of being completely insensitive and not eydl in his comment, #3 should not write yidish if he has no clue. “tzu kumpt mir ” doesnt exist in yidish or any other language
no one special
Insecure persons keep track of thank-yous. Insecure persons should not work as Rabbis for thank yous, rather as “calling”.
I wonder how many doctors hear thank yous. Probably the ones who have helped someone in a concrete manner.
chaim
so true so true
Yaakov Y
#3 name please
dont worry about rabbi shmuly ....
“to MR- no more of this garbage, PLEASE!”
I might agree with you that it isnt necessary for rabbi shmulie to publish his “THANKS” to one of many many people that help rabbis, shluchim and non shluchim. a personal card would have been enough.
But your ANGER is a bit much.
It sounds like you have a case of the jealousies at his popularity and success, no matter who it its that he “helps”.
And while I’m not won over by him. He does some good too.
Who are you to judge him?
No, you dont need to be a “ SHLIACH” to spread yiddishkeit.
And your contempt is a bit much.
Your superiority is misplaced.
everyo Jew is a shliach, whether or not he or she belongs to your organization or not.
Take your gaiveh out of the picture.
Everyone has a job in this world, why dont you go back to doing yours and not worry about how anyone else is doing theirs.
After all thats the AYBISTERS job, not yours.
You get thanks when you deserve thanks!
a wise man once told me, “any Rabbi that feels he deserves respect because of his position is not deserving of any respect at all”!
Too many Rabbi’s feel that they have “given up everything” and therefore they feel that they should be getting thanked for it. (to be real, a lot of these guys would still be on welfare, food stamps and Medicaid had it not been for their position). A Rabbi, like anyone else need to earn respect and just because you have a large budget is not good enough. Like any other business, if you do not treat your customers (in this case members) with respect do not expect them to give you respect, want to come in or be there for you in any real emotional or physical way.
The Rebbe used to meet with the Machne Yisroel Development Fund Members twice a year, he then would spend one on one time, listening and helping each and every one of them. How many Rabbi’s feel they don’t even owe that much??? Yet they all complain about burnout and lack of respect.
You write about S.Z. Fellig, he gave you time, he gave you respect. In return you have continuously tried to give him back the same. Any Rabbi that wants respect should start by truly respecting those around him, those that give from their time and money, and with respect and gratitude will come respect and gratitude, so long as they are doing it for the right reasons and not just to get money and respect.
Tehilim
To #3: Just think of all the kepitlach of Tehilim you could have said in the time it took you to write that diatribe. That’s time you’ll never get back.
I am #3
To all my critics
Thank you for taking time to criticize. On the whole you were very polite, which I appreciate. I’m sorry you don’t see things my way but that’s the way I feel. It’s nice that we still live in a country where we can have different opinions & can express them.
Wishing you all every success B’gashmius UB’ruchnius.
Chabad Lite
Thank you #3 for saying what needed to be said. If some people here don’t like it, too bad.
Try working any kind of real job and see how you are treated.
If you want an easy job, lots of money, and lots of kavod, go to Fantasy Island. Or become Michael Jackson’s rabbi.
a false world
Nice article and correct sentiment. Only problem (and there’s always gotta be a “but” somewhere) is the author’s pervasive narcissism and self-promotion that blinds you as you read it. But then that’s what we’ve grown accustomed to when reading SB. It’s always been about him even when it isn’t. How anyone can take such beautiful words and sentiments and then degrade it by always making it personal instead of letting the lesson stand on its own two feet is a shame. But then that’s the falsehood of this world, the “olam ha’sheker” where even the scholars are full of themselves and the rabbis are so grandiose. Hey but that’s what Moshiach is for and that’s when the truth will sprout forward. Till them we’re just gonna have to put up with nonsense.
Shliach on Campus -- and to #3
Dear Shmulie!
you are 100% correct! when a student shows the tiny gratitude like for example inviting to a wedding it gives a huge boost to continue our work! Number 3 obviously has no clue what Shluchim go through!!
Thank you again Shmulie for articulating what’s on many of our minds!
Maybe we cshould think abourt it.
Don’t rabbis lead by example? Shouldn’t they express gratitude also? Isn’t gratitude a feeling that could use some exposure and implementation in our set if precepts? I think sometimes the rules and expectations of a given set of doctrines do not include the concept of gratitude, be it from clergy or congregation. Perhaps it would behoove us to put it in there. Rabbi Shmuley, whom have you expressed thanks to lately? Is it part of your communication? How about the readers here? Have you expressed thanks lately? To whom? Think about it. An element of entitlement? Too busy to thank? Not valuing gratitude to humans? Other reasons?
Thank you!
We are not supposed to do chesed for the recognition, but most of us are not on the level of not appreciating it and wanting it. Thank you Rabbi Shmuely for openly agreeing how you feel. You are only human-like the rest of us, and are correct, that too many people forget to thank and remember others who have been kind to them in the past.
Thank you Rabbi Fellig…
Jacoba Fish
I think that this is well balanced advice on how we need to be sure and express gratitude. Gratitude is what fuels simcha.
If more people would follow the simple message here, this world will surely be a better place.
To comment #3, buddy, its time to turn to gheulah. Its a choice that all of us have. Whatever bone you have to pick, or pent up anger, just give it up. Get some help if necessary.
Rabbi Shmuley, not sure who you are as an individual but I sure appreciate that you are taking one thing seriously, the sheva mitzvot B’nai Noach and trying to teach us how to dialogue with the rest of the world. As long as we don’t get out of our bubble, and let the well springs of chassidus really spill to the outside, we will not win the battle in a timely way. So, keep up your good work, and your books and so forth.
something to think about
You know what’s the highest level of chesed? Chesed shel Emes. That’s why it’s called “Chesed.” They don’t do it for thanks, the niftar can’t thank them and it’s the last thing any Jew can do for another. the people in the chevra kedisha don’t say what they do or what they go through to bring a Yid to Kevura Yisrael and they don’t get paid either. Some of you out there should try helping LIVING people WITHOUT EXPECTING OR GETTING THANKS. Just doing a good deed every so often without any kind of reward even a thank you should be the thanks.
ot all those negative comments
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT ALL THOSE WHO DISAGREED WITH THE ARTICLE ARE NOT IN THE RABBI PROFESSION. THEY COULDN’T BE TO MAKE TO COMMENTS.
To No. 3
To Shmuely,
Rabbis get appreciation by some of the people, some of the time. From all of the people, some of the time; but no rabbi will get appreciation from all the people all the time. That’s life. .
To No.3
Notwithstanding your right to your opinion, your personal attack on R. Boteach is just plain, plain venomous, and should never have been published. Your attack is personal and disgusting. I am guessing that you are still quite a young person, and therefore have not yet refined your midos yet. Work on it.
To 5
Right on!!!!!
To #27
Right on!!!!!!
A New Aquaintance
Shmuley, I know you are very busy, and you say you can’t get some people to return emails. Well, you also don’t return emails. I can imagine you have a cramped schedule, but the fact is, no response to emails sent to you. Think about it. Respond. You might be amazed at what you can learn. Yes, YOU can learn.
Anonymous
The Rabbi has tried to help a lot of people, as Rabbis are supposed to do, but who helps them when they need help? Who takes care of the caregiver? At least he admits he needs some encouragement to keep going, as we all do.