As a young girl I was always fascinated by the beauty and mystery of the Mikvah experience. We were constantly told about the purity and holiness that the ritual brings to the individual, the marriage, the family and the home. I couldn’t wait to become a kallah and be able to finally participate in this exclusive and mystical experience.
Op-Ed: On Public Display
As a young girl I was always fascinated by the beauty and mystery of the Mikvah experience. We were constantly told about the purity and holiness that the ritual brings to the individual, the marriage, the family and the home. I couldn’t wait to become a kallah and be able to finally participate in this exclusive and mystical experience.
When I finally did get engaged and began taking kallah classes, additional beautiful elements were added: the elements of secrecy and privacy. Secrecy, I learned, that extends to one’s own family, allowing one to fudge the truth when explaining to their children the reason they are leaving the house.
And then reality hit. What was supposed to be a secret and private event turned out, instead, to be a very public one.
It started with me parading myself down a very busy street and then turning down another equally-busy street. To maintain some sense of privacy, I waited around until a mother with her three grown children passed noisily by me, walking directly in front of the mikvah, followed by a man holding a gartel, apparently running to catch a minyan.
Just when the coast seemed clear and I was about to try sneaking into the mikvah without being on public display, an endless stream of bochurim began to pour down the street. Apparently mikvah time coincides with night Seder at the Yeshiva nearby.
Not wanting to circle the block all night, I finally walked sheepishly into the mikvah building.
Phase two of my humiliating experience began when I was informed that the mikvah was busy that night and that I would have to sit in the waiting room until a room becomes available. I sat in the waiting room and discovered that a classmates and a nosy neighbor of mine would be sharing the waiting room with me and share this private and secretive experience with me.
After what seemed like an eternity of my classmate and I trying to play it off and make casual conversation, acting as though our entire private lives were not on display, I was finally admitted to a room and was able to reclaim some sense of the beauty of the mitzvah.
But that was not to be. The humiliation had only begun.
When I exited the mikvah building, I was greeted by a procession of parked cars with waiting husbands in them, some with their headlights on, some with idling engines and some sitting quietly trying to be inconspicuous. I could feel all of the eyes on me as they each focused to see whether or not I was their wife. It is as though each woman exiting the mikvah is on full display, parading before an audience of men.
By the time I arrived at home, the feeling of public display and humiliation that began with entering the mikvah through an entrance located in a public intersection, continued with sharing a waiting room with other women who now know some of the most intimate aspects of my marriage, and concluded with a public catwalk when exiting the mikvah, removed any sense of beauty and mystery from the experience.
I have been to other mikvahs both in and out of New York City and have seen some good examples of a mikvah experience that preserved the sense of privacy and secrecy. One example is a mikvah located at the far end of a parking lot. Women would drive into the parking lot, park at the far end and exit and enter their vehicles while out of public view.
In one case where the mikvah was located in the shul’s parking lot, men would have to enter the shul through a specified entrance out of view of the mikvah, and the parking lot was off-limits to men during mikvah hours.
It is my sincere hope that the community will take the initiative and take the most intimate, precious and mysterious moment of a marriage off of public display and reinstate the logically- and halachically-mandated sense of privacy and secrecy that this beautiful mitzvah needs and deserves.
This Op-Ed reflects the views of its author. It does not necessarily reflect the views of CrownHeights.info nor of its Editors.
A reader that wishes to make his or her voice heard on any topic of their desire is welcome to submit his or her Op-Ed to News@CrownHeights.info.
new project
We all know about this new project that Beis Shmuel is doing on Lefferts and Troy, havent heard that there is any movment there now, but I think that could be a great solution.
insensitive
to quote ‘other women who now know some of the most intimate aspects of my marriage’, well just think, now you know the same about them!
overthinker
It is my opinion that while the lack of privacy can be uncomfortable, it is also easy to overthink it. People who walk past the mikvah are not necessarily interested in trying to see who is coming or going. Maybe some of them are even doing their best not to look because they wouldn’t want to have to go through that themselves.
I share your discomfort about the waiting room but when it comes down to it, mikvah part of Jewish life and we are all adults, there is nothing one can do but ignore the thoughts and make small talk.
As far as husbands waiting outside, I do not live in CH but I imagine it wouldn’t be safe for the women to walk home alone and if the husband needs to use the car, well, there aren’t too many options.
to overthinker
if its not so safe for the wives to walk home a lone then why dont the husbands wait round the corner and not right by the entrance?
shlucha
This is a great reason to go on Shlichus, then the Mikveh will be an hour away and no one will ever know what you are doing.
anonymous
go to boro park, williamsburg, or flatbush……
i sympathise
I know exactly how you feel! I always found it, although i know I should not think this way, an embarrasing “Mitzvah”. I dreaded it incase I met someone I knew……besides all the lies i told my kids when they wanted to know where i was going!!
montrealer
I just got married under a year ago and had the same problem…
I found an easy way to solve it. I live in montreal in the lubavitch community and the lubavitch mikavah is a good 15 mins by car. The Sefardic mikvah is a 5 min walk from my house. In the sefardic mikvah i do no recognize anyone, most women walk in with pants and thier hair uncovered, so there is no judging what so ever. also, as you can imagen it is much more quiet…
so why don’t you try to find another mikvah? the sefardic mikvah is just as kosher, and i can have just as much a kosher marriage than my friends who use the lubavitch mikvah.
one more thing, until i was married i didn’t even know where a single mikvah in montreal was! so unless these bochrim helped build it, or thier is an over sized sign outside, they don’t know where you are going.
with you
I share in your frustration. But also remember, that ppl are not necessarily looking, and those who are in the waiting room and in the same boat.
Also, having ppl avoid the intersection will make it even more curious to ppl who are bored and just looking, and unsafe when its deserted…
another wife..
This is completey ridicoulus. get over yourself..
Lady
What a childish op-ed. Grow up and face the realities of life. Trust me, nobody is interested in your whereabouts or what you do behind closed doors. I think you only see men waiting in cars if that’s what you’re looking for. I don’t look at other cars when I leave so I don’t see who’s in them. Just like I don’t care who is waiting for their wives I’m equally sure they don’t care about who is exiting besides their wives.
As for parking in a deserted lot, no thanks. I’m not interested in being mugged or worse.
Truthfully, I like that Albany is busier these days b/c it gives me more of a “reason” to be there. As for the waiting room – sometimes you can’t avoid it. It’s not the end of the world, you’re all there for the same reason.
I don’t know what all kallahs are taught but I know I was taught to be discreet, end of story. Not to go blabbing about it to my friends, family and coworkers. You do the best you can with the situation you’re in. One sign of maturity is learning to deal with the obstacles in life as they arise. Learn to adapt and you will be a much happier, settled person.
Overrated
this privacy thing is overrated. true, we dont talk about our private life, still the stress of maybe someone knows where i am going can ruin “the beauty and mystery of the Mikvah experience”. We have Large families, and we know that all of our neighbors go to the mikvah, whats the big deal if maybe a young bochur might see you on his way home from school? (he has no idea what going on)
mendel
100% I think my wife would agree
Rochel
There’s only one solution unfortunately and that’s to move out of crown heights! cuz there aint nothing happening in this town
e fb
You forgot to mention how rundown the only women’s mikva in CH is. In almost no other city in the world is the Lubavtich womens mivka is such condition.
be a mentch
I am a married man who lives in ch I NEVER drive or walk near the mikvah at night. No man ,bocher or girl should be in that area in the evening and at night. it’s simply wrong, going to the Mikvah is hard enough for our wife’s and we must do whatever we can to make it easier. going to the Mikvah is not a joke and chas vesholem someone should not go or even feel more uncomfortable because of someone’s lack of sensitivity. It’s hard enough getting out of the house with older kids and then having to meet you friends and so on, and ladies more power and (I guess)more Mitzvah to you for all the extra hardships
neighbor
I understand how you feel. I am not newly married and have this problem also. I have met people who I know personaly many times just walking by at the moment i was on that corner or near the entrance. Its something i dread, but I just grin and bear it.
Personally if I am coming from somewhere, weather by foot or car, I will not look or walk on that side at night for that reason.
As for the waiting room, if you insist they can put you in the hallway or behind some door if you dont want to meet anyone.
zeldy
Not so modest to even air your ideas in a public forum, actually.
bochur
i never knew where the ladies mikveh is until now… also, i don’t think this op-ed is very appropriate as there alot of children and bochurim who read this web site. please remove.
anon
I think your confusing secret with discreet! Privacy and discretion is doing something quietly without fanfare (unlike this op-ed), pple already know you go to Mikvah they just don’t know the when and wheres (and shouldn’t1). A secret would be that noone knows you go to Mikvah. I hope pple know that you do, cuz frankly pple thinking you don’t should be more disturbing to you.
Also I’ve never seen anybody waiting in cars. Never thought to look. Thanks for giving ME something to be uncomfortable with!!
lol
we have the right to know
a bochur
i walk by with friends and we would not think if we would see you!!
ch wife
Although I can definitely see where you’re coming from, and commend you for speaking up, I’m not quite sure how appropriate it was to name the streets that the mikvah is on. The same point could have been made in a much more- ahem- “discreet” way.
proactive solution
The one thing I have not seen amongst any of these posts, or in the op-ed, is a sense of ownership and responsibility amongst the Crown Heights residents, or the author. I am a former resident of Crown Heights, and also used to find the Union Mikveh uncomfortable. As much as I appreciate my opportunity and other’s suggestions to move away (or go to another part of Bklyn), I understand that it is simply not a practical solution for most people.
What IS a proactive solution, though, is to start a fund (or find and contribute to one) to either renovate the Union Mikveh or build a new one. We are a community that loves causes, and we love our community, and I am sure you would find support. Take a survey of mikvehs around the country to see what solutions they came up with for maintaining privacy. Talk to local salons and women’s apparel places and see if they would be willing to have an entrance in the back of their store. While uncomfortably crowded… everyplace… is one of the challenges of Crown Heights, the access to resources and people is one of its greatest advantages.
May you have much hatzlacha and find a good resolution for your concerns, and merit to reap the spiritual and practical benefits of this beautiful mitzvah.
Op-Ed Author
Please note:
The op-ed has been modified to remove any identifying streets or landmarks.
in my opinion
hi, crownheights.info, i’m surprised you published this article. This article is very important, however this is not the forum for it. All it takes is a few discussions too many in public arenas and you take away the tznius that surrounds this mitzva. I’m surprised that you werent more tactful. Please help us keep privacy and sensitivity where it it so important.
you run a great site, and thats why you have such varied readership including teens and children. Please do not publish such discussions where our children and teens should not be reading them. You carry tremendous responsibilty. Please reach many people, please don’t abuse it by printing info that doesnt belong in this forum, thank you for your understanding.
Don-t see the point
You just made the whole thing even LESS private. If you really want to do something about it, why don’t you call a Rav, Rebbetzin, mashpia, maybe even a close friend.
But what are you thinking posting such an article on a site where kids visit?!
Last but not least, seriously- it isn’t a big deal. Don’t look at the cars in the lot, realize that every frum family in the world does the same mitzvah and if you see people in the waiting room just make small talk.
Good luck.
anonymous
I have lived in many different cities and have used whatever local Mikveh there is. Sometimes there is no waiting at all and sometimes you just have to wait your turn. Sometimes you won’t know anyone there and sometimes you will meet your neighbor, aunt, or rebbetzin. That’s part of Mikveh life. None of it is at all humiliating. Unless you have a private Mikveh in your own home, these are issues that adults deal with all the time. You can drive an hour away and still have to wait your turn or meet someone else who has driven an hour away just like you. Save your humiliation for soemthing more deserving.
omg
omg, you might as well live in the middle ages- so what if everyone knows that Jewish women go to the mikvah??!Omg if teens read it….maybe they should learn something!I am all for discretion but I also live in another state and was terrified at night with no one around!And if you never experienced that then you cannot relate.I was so happy if men were learning somewhere in the shul because otherwise you were isolated with another female and chos v’sholom-….!We were always so scared because anyone could be hiding.So BE APPRECIATIVE that you have people around and can hear you and say THANK GD!!
Need an answer
On the same topic…
What do you tell your kids when you pass and they ask what it is? They noted it must be a Jewish place because it was closed on Shabbos when we walked by!
chresident
if u r looking for problems u will find them and if u don’t look for problems there r none
Parental Discretion Advised
Thanks for this article and the comments… now my kids know where the Mikvah is and are now asking many questions I did not yet want to discuss with them.
I guess this website is now age appropriate.
floridian
thst is a pic of chabad of sarasota’s mikvah
keep them coming
comon people, cut it out, everyone knows where and what this mikvah is. the rebbe used it countless times and there are pictures of the rebbe coming and going from that place with a caption stating “the rebbe leaving the womans mikvah…”
we all know, and those who dont, dont.
this article brought up a valid disscation (as we can see… 30+ comments) that were all respectful and generating some real thinking. good job and dont be scared to keep them coming!
SOOO true- thank you!
You wrote this article so beautifully, discreetly, and honestly!
Men should know to avoid Union street at night and use Estern Parkway instead.
rivky
i think it’s time to hide the kids under the table so nobody will know… come on and grow up. do your best and that is all….
Just wondering
The Reebbe used that Mikvah so there is a very big specialness to it. Imagine the zchus of a child born from those holy waters. If your priority is still 110% discreetness, than use another mikvah. In NYC they are a dime a dozen!
always avoided that corner
i lived nr that corner for a number of years as both bochur and yungerman yet always took a longer route to avoid walking past there during mikvah hrs
oh please!
In my humble opinion your article is absolutely out of place in this site. way to many kids read it. And please grow up! I’m sure you have many more friends to find
Yup...
never understood why the door of the mikvah is 20ft higher than street level
L.A. Morah
does this web site go out of it’s way to be inappropriate?this isn’t the first time i was distressed to read what you’ve posted on an ostensibly frum,chassidishe site.is it all about generating controversy?
To YUP
Because public display is not enough….you need to be standing on the pedestal and stage so that the ENTIRE world can know your business!!!
Chani
OK OK,, after reading all these comments, I have a few things to say.
1) U dont like the waitng, go to Brooklyn Heights, the time that it takes to drive, is the time spent in the waiting room, of course, no one will see you there
2) Get over yourself. If you are looking for reasons to complain,, I can assure you that I can help you find them. I NEVER noticed men waiting for their wives on Union St. itself. I do know that my husband waits for me by the bakery. So if you are looking to complain, I guess u r looking for the men that I never saw.
3) I know that my brothers, and husband turn on President St. they dont walk down Albany by Union if it can be avoided. I can not say that you will always find the street empty, which in my opinion is a safety hazard, I can say sometimes there are people walking down the block. Big deal.. U R NOT DOING ANYTHING ILLEGAL. Secrecy would have to be the way to go, only if this was something u were not proud of. I for one am proud to be doing the rotzon of Hashem. I got the license,, I know I do, every time I look at my ring finger,,,,,
In short,, go talk to someone who can straighten out your thinking about such a beautiful mitzvah!
Woah - what an insight!
OMG. I am totally having a mikvah in my house.
Or I’ll just use the one in Weinsteins… that’s more inconspicuous.
Or, some other PRIVATE mikvah will be built.
Very nicely written op-ed.
grow up
This article tels me that maybe these little girls should wait until they grow up a bit before getting married
bochur
now i know that, that place is the mikva. and just like you said that the whole inyan is not tznius, why are you talking about it in public.
b’chlal this whole article in not appropriate, i am asking the site to take it off.
p.s. the lubavitcher mikva of bor al gabei bor was davke a chumra for ladies. and lav davke is the sfardishe mikva bor al gabei bor. so please don’t write sbobby comments till you know the facts.
nice you spoke up
Maybe for someone who has been married a while it is not so uncomfortable, but for a newly wed it is very uncomfortable, for those of you who may not remember!
Also, my husband told me that as a bochur they knew not to walk there at night, maybe things have changed since then…
fellow blusher
I found this article to be well written and right on the mark. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels that what should be a very private mitzvah ends up becoming a public one.
I think its the responsibility of every wife to sit down and have a little chat with her husband about taking a different route when going to chap a minyan. They probably just dont think too much of it-don’t forget, men’s mikvahs happen to be a lot more public than women’s mikvah.
Also, if you are one of those lucky ones who get a ride home (sigh…the good old days….)kindly ask your husband to park further up/down the block.
But I wouldnt worry too much about the bochurim…my husband told me that until he got married, he didnt even know where the women’s mikvah was…..Making a grand announcement about avoiding certain streets may actually give some of them the wrong ideas….
a little advice
To Montrealer: The Rebbe stressed the importance of using a mikva of bor al gabai bor.
One solution may be to have classes on taharas hamishpacha for women at the mikva or individualized learning about it then people may think you are going for that.
It would have been best to speak with the woman who gave you kallah classes since she probably went through the same experiences, no matter where she lived.
Renegade
“grow up wrote:
This article tels me that maybe these little girls should wait until they grow up a bit before getting married
”
My thoughts exactly.
I’m guessing the author is 19 years old and not married more than three months
Answering Need an Answer
B“H
Dear ”Need an Answer“:
A friend once explained to me that the eidel way to refer to the Crown Heights women’s mikvah is to call it ”The Rebbe’s Mikvah” — which is what it also is/was.
Perhaps this term can also be used for all out-of-town Lubavitch-run mikvaot, as I’m sure the Rebbe’s bracha was sought (at least from the Igros in more recently opened mikvaot) for every such mikvah.
‘Hope this answer helps.