Brooklyn, NY –- Beginning April 1st, a major New York health insurance company will begin offering a new type of specialty insurance, geared to the Orthodox Jewish community.
HIP (acronym for “Hardships Inflicted by Passover”), will begin to cover observant Jews who were harmed by Passover-related difficulties. The move comes after the company received numerous reports over the past few years of broken or missing teeth, clogged intestines, wine-stained white shirts and haggada’s, and popped pants buttons. Other damages include sore thumbs resulting from breaking thick matzos at the center, particularly during the yachatz ritual.
Humor: HIP To Offer Passover Insurance
Please note, this article is a work of fiction, its sole purpose is its humorous content in honor of the upcoming holiday. The article was composed by N. Salomon.
Brooklyn, NY –- Beginning April 1st, a major New York health insurance company will begin offering a new type of specialty insurance, geared to the Orthodox Jewish community.
HIP (acronym for “Hardships Inflicted by Passover”), will begin to cover observant Jews who were harmed by Passover-related difficulties. The move comes after the company received numerous reports over the past few years of broken or missing teeth, clogged intestines, wine-stained white shirts and haggada’s, and popped pants buttons. Other damages include sore thumbs resulting from breaking thick matzos at the center, particularly during the yachatz ritual.
“Due to the risky nature of this venture, HIP will be encouraging our clientele to implement preventative measures to avoid the occurrence of such incidents,” HIP’s Chief Operating Officer Noah Levin said in a statement released yesterday.
The statement goes on to state that HIP has reached an agreement with Home Depot, in which orthodox rabbis will be contracted to kasher the industrial circular saws in accordance with the laws of Passover. Members of the HIP Passover Plan will be able to present their HIP card at any Home Depot location, and have their matza cut by the circular saws.
A number of Home Depot employees criticized this move out of concern that the saws will be severely damaged while attempting to cut the matza. “It’s one thing for the saws to cut through 4-inch plywood,” complained Bill Ding, a saw operator at a local branch, “but Matzah – now that’s gonna put a strain on our equipment that I don’t think they are built for.”
Other measures include an alliance with Bedford Sewer. This partnership will allow members who are afflicted by the “bread of affliction” to use their services free of charge, to clear any bodily or structural plumbing back-ups.
Duane Pype, a manager at Bedford Sewer, is geared up for the job. “We’ve cleared some major back-ups in the past, but this is one challenge we have never faced before and are looking forward to,” he said.
“I’ll be first in line once Passover has passed over,” said Al K. Seltzer, a long-time sufferer of heartburn and constipation, as a result of the Passover diet.
Consumers are excited about and have responded well to this new program. The real challenge at hand is dealing with the temptation to ditch the cardboard-like matza and reach for the cake. “There’s no insurance for that,” said Will Power, a Brooklyn resident.
Crownheights.info’s Dan Druff and Constance Noring contributed to this report.
Avid reader
Pretty funny!
yankydoodle
excellent! very funny.
I get it!!
Just got it! Noah Levin = No Leaven (leavened bread = chametz)
visameach
Bibircas Chag Kahser VISAMEACH
CN
Don’t give up your day job Naftali.
get a sense of humor!
constance noring… that’s what i heard while reading this!
Not Funny At All
I am deeply offended that this webblog would choose to lessen the holiness of this upcoming chag. The preparations for this holiday are a *privilege* to perform.
The Jews who were in concentrations camps longed to sweep their floors and scrub their own walls once again.
Save your shtus for Purim.
Color War Judge
Full points effort, significantly less points in the humor department.
Full coverage plan?
Does the plan cover defective matzah’s? matzah’s that are in recall? i.e. matzah’s that are charred black before delivery?
Mycroft
You missed the part about many thinking its spring cleaning and the injuries that ensue from that.
browsing
interesting