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Was the World Powerless to Stop Amy Winehouse?

Rabbi Shais Taub – Huffington Post

Saturday night, just after Shabbos ended, I found out that Amy Winehouse was dead at 27. My first reaction was to do what I, as a Jew, do whenever I hear such news. I said the Hebew prayer Baruch Dayan Emet — Blessed is the True Judge. My next reaction was to feel angry and sick. And that’s what I can’t figure out.

I mean, in my work with Jewish addicts, I hear about the deaths of bright, young, talented people as often as my more conventional colleagues deal with weddings and bar-mitzvahs. It’s just a cold, hard fact of dealing with addicts. Addicts die. No matter how many times I watch it happen, it always hurts. But, at the same time, it doesn’t shock me anymore.

And yet, when I heard about this 27-year-old Jewish girl’s death, it felt different. I felt confounded. But why? I have seen this happen before. In a grim sort of way, the only “news” to me about Amy’s death is the date. After all, what really could have stopped this from happening? The only time I have ever seen recovery in a case like Amy’s is by an act of God. That might sound kooky to most people, but if you’ve ever seen an addict come back from death’s door, you’ll know it doesn’t happen because one day they just decide to clean up their act and get their life together. Oh sure, there are people who “get in trouble with drugs” and then get scared straight. But addicts, real addicts, don’t get scared away from addiction too long. Barring miracles, real addicts play for keeps.

One of the axioms of recovery is that the addict is beyond human aide and that’s why addicts need a “higher power” to live. You can call that hocus-pocus. I call it an everyday reality. There is no fact more real to me than the idea that no human power can stand up against the power of addiction. Sometimes I think of it as a giant black hole that can devour the light of a thousand suns and remain just as unfathomably black as if no sun had ever shone at all. It is an insatiable vortex that mercilessly consumes every iota of strength that human power can muster. We throw love at it. We throw loyalty at it. We scream at it. We bargain with it. We fight it. And when we just can’t fight it anymore, we swear to ignore it, to never let it hurt us again, that is, until it pulls us back in.

For those who have only observed the chaotic drama of addiction from a safe distance, let me tell you that the concept of it being a “family disease” is painfully true. The insanity of active “codependence” is just as gruesome a spectacle to behold as the addict’s own downward spiral. To watch a life wasted trying to stop the unstoppable is something that can just tear your heart out. We learn that all we can do is carry the message of recovery, which is that if the addict can find a Higher Power, they can live a long, happy life. And if not, well, no other power in the universe can stop this terminal disease from running its course.

And that’s why I think Amy’s death is hitting me hard. A 27-year-old girl just died of addiction in front of the whole world. Millions of people saw this happening. And nobody could stop it. The world couldn’t stop it! For me, the futility of human power has just taken on a completely new dimension.

I’ll tell you what intensifies this realization is the fact that it’s 2011 and the world has become a tiny, little place. Within seconds we all know minutiae from events that take place on the other side of the planet to people we don’t even know. Over the ages, plenty of famous people have died young while in the public eye. But with Amy’s death, we saw the thing unravel in unflinching detail. We were all watching — every horrible minute of it. And nobody could stop it from happening.

When a young person, or even a not-so-young person, dies from this disease, I try to tell the family, “You know that you could not have stopped this. There is nothing more you could have done or not done. This was beyond us.” And when I say it, I mean it. Because I know how puny and worthless our efforts are when trying to fight this disease. I know that what is needed is a Higher Power.

And yet, I think somewhere deep down, a part of me may still have believed that the combined power of millions of human beings might theoretically be able to do what a smaller number of people cannot. Today, I have been given proof that it’s just not so.

King Solomon said, “The living shall take it to heart.” There is a lesson to be learned from every death. To anybody out there going through the living hell of active addiction — whether you yourself are an addict or you are someone who loves an addict — here is my message to you. Please know that it’s not that you haven’t tried everything there is to try. It’s not that you’re not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, determined enough. You could multiply your efforts and your will power by literally a million times, you could have the whole world on your side, and still face the same heartbreaking outcome in the end. But there is hope. Let Amy’s example not be in vain. There is a Power greater than all of us. May all those who seek in truth find that Power now.

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37 Comments

  • thanks!

    powerful and absolutely true words. having lived with addicts all my life,first a father then a husband,one of the hardest aspects is to let go,let G-d.

  • expected

    this was expected and not really a shock or to that extent a tragedy…

  • Dependent

    Dependency may have the “excuse” of an underlying cause, but accessibility to drugs is the ultimate issue. How can it be that “A 27-year-old girl just died of addiction in front of the whole world”, quite simply her sources for drugs never dried up. Open your eyes and take a look around you in our own community!!!

  • Yankel Beerhouse

    Get over it Shais.
    Don’t make a cholent for shabbos with the malodorous history of this social-reject.

  • uh huh

    I’ll be honest: my first reaction to seeing Amy Winehouse on CH.Info was “what the ……….?” That said, very nicely written and thank you for republishing.

  • Yosef

    What kind of miracle does Rabbit Taub mean? That the addict find faith, or some kind of life-changing experience wrought by God?

  • cor

    Maybe Rabbi Taub wants to reach others to prevent this. Such people can find Emes and save their lives doing it.
    Her drug source maybe never could dry up but she was a lost neshama, very lost, very tragic.
    I never knew who she was until now, but its tragic that she was heading for this.
    Our own teens need alot of love, time, guidance. We have to find ways to give them that. Not easy, but hey, they were entrusted to us, so we have to try and meet the challenge.

  • Moshe

    1. I know about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, etc.. I have never heard of Amy Winehouse..

    2. Why worry about Amy Winehouse when we have our own backyards to look after..

  • LA Morah

    to #5,this was a jewish woman.where is your rachmanus? if you can’t muster it for her,at least for her parents.

  • To #5

    Social-reject? The more I read on this site, the more disgusted I am by some of you. As a Jew, albeit not a particularly religious one, I have to question why some of you feel that you are so superior to others and that they are not worthy of your time. Why are you so much better than anyone else? What makes you so spectacularly unique that you can be so derogatory about another human being? Is that the Jewish way, because if so, I would rather not be associated with it at all. At the end of the day, you don’t know what goes on inside another persons head and what there demons are or why. Amy was a young woman of 27, no-one deserves to die at that age. Can you even begin to imagine what her parents are going through and have gone through over the years knowing that they could not stop their daughter who had seemingly pressed the self destruct button. The saying ‘there but for the grace of g-d’ springs to mind. Stop being so judgemental of others, unless of course you are perfect yourself. Never presume to think that you would deal with a situation so differently until you have walked in that persons shoes. You should be ashamed of yourself #5.

  • declasse intellectual

    Touche @15. And that is what is so disturbing about many of the comments on this blog.

  • Diane Weinstock Scott

    As the mother of two young adults, and the widow of an addict, my heart goes out to the family of Amy Winehouse and to those who suffer throughout our increasingly small world. Remember, we are all responsible for one another and when one young person dies, each of us loses something precious.

  • A DISAPPOINTED CHASID!

    who cares about her? while it is tragic she was a goya & she chose this I am sure there are more proper topics to comment on especially in the 3 weeks!

  • Put Your Deeds Where Your Mouth Is

    Instead of ranting and raving on about what should’ve,could’ve, would’ve unfortuneately there is no turning back time. Don’t piggyback on the fame of the dead. What we have is a Yiddishe young nifteres. All day I’ve been reading reports that Amy A“H will have a Jewish funeral service at a North London cemetery before her body is cremated in Golders Green.Whether the cremation part is media speaculation or truth I don’t know.

    Rabbi Shais Taub if you cared about Amy A”H so much when she was a living addict how much more so should you care to get involved to work on stopping her cremation. Does she need to be a tortured soul even in death? It’s all in the deeds not the words. Now THAT would be the BIGGEST Mitzvah & Chesed you could give to her Neshamah.

    You quote “When a young person, or even a not-so-young person, dies from this disease, I try to tell the family, “You know that you could not have stopped this. There is nothing more you could have done or not done. This was beyond us.” And when I say it, I mean it. Because I know how puny and worthless our efforts are when trying to fight this disease. I know that what is needed is a Higher Power”.

    Now put your deeds into action where your mouth is. You could have stopped the cremation. There is more you can do. This is not beyond you or any jew. Mean what you say. Every effort is indeed worth something to Hashem. Especially saving a yiddishe body from being cremated so her Neshamah need not suffer any more than it already has!

  • whatever that means

    well it is almost simple ,,,england home of sir moses montifiore was home of miss winehouse who most likely liked friday nights for the vino as well as the lovely tunes,
    england is also home of adele, an artist who is at the top of some very big charts ~*!&~*anyway it is a long story and she was famous and “jewish”

  • Share the light

    Thank you for your comments. They are profound and far reaching. I hope that you get this published in many more venues as I think there is a large population of people who would appreciate reading your article.

  • angry yid mamma

    Hey #18 – she was JEWISH!!! In a nutshell, what you are saying is, “why should we give a dam if anyone dies, as long as they are not Jews?” And we wonder why the outside world sees us as arogant? Reading your post – and that of others here, it is not too hard to figure out. We moan and groan about how the whole world persecutes us – with all these negative attitiudes and lack of compassion, it is not too hard to understand. 15 and 16 are SO RIGHT!

  • CH Boy

    Learn Mishnayos Li’ilu Nishmoso – she was a Tinok Shnishbu, and this may be the only z’chus she will have

  • Definitely Jewish

    Amy was Jewish – no doubt about it. She was cousins with some very big shluchim – who have probably read this article. Please be sensitive to her family who are in mourning.

  • Reuven

    A well-written, heartfelt essay that so accurately reflects the sentiments of those of us who work professionally with addicts. I will remember these thoughts and use them in my work. Thank you Rabbi Taub.

    We should all feel the loss when a young Jewish person loses their life to this terrible disease. To those who scoff, I say, be careful lest you bring this disease into your own world, chas v’shalom.

  • to #5, and #18

    The content of your words dont make you much of a chossid. So before you open your arrogant mouths, go read some sichos about ahavas yisroel and the like and most likely you wont be back here.
    And we’ll see if your children get into this situation, CV, how it would feel when the whole community will define them as social rejects.
    She was a Jewish woman (cant you tell at least by the looks?), very lost and misguided. it might have not been entirely her fault, but one of ours passed away and we mourn her.
    Besides, she was an amazing talent. You wouldnt know anything about that.

  • TO #18

    NUBER 18. YOU CALLED YOURSELF A CHOSSID. YOU MUST BE A SATMAR CHOSSID! THEY’RE ATTITUDE IS THAT IF SOMEONE IS NOT FRUM THEY ARE A “GOY”!!!! A LUBAVITCHER CHOSSID DOESN’T THINK OR SPEAK LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • LA Morah

    wow #19,lots of critism. instead look within,much harder to do,and askyourself what yu’ve done for another jew lately.

  • Brochos Bee

    The blessing made upon hearing bad news is Barauch Dayan HaEmet.
    In practical terms that means that FB slang should be BDH instead of BDE as commonly used.

  • One of us

    Hello I am a frum from birth “gezeh” Lubavitcher chossid who is also an addict. I have been an addict for most of my life. I am not going to entertain anyone here with the details but my life has slowly progressed into a living hell and I almost lost everything including my wife and children. About 10 months ago I joined a 12 step program that deals with my addiction and struggled for a few months to maintain sobriety. I am now 6 months sober and a great deal of that has to do with Rabbi Shais Taub’s book “God of our understanding” Its inspiration to me is insurmountable and it helped me quell my uneasiness with living a 12 step life as a frum Yid.

    Rabbi Taub, and Rabbi A. Twersky you and a few others who understand addiction and all it entails are a beacon of hope and inspiration for so many. Please continue your holy and vital work. May Hashem, our loving Higher Power give you the strength and tools to help us. One day at a time.
    And for you angry pathetic souls who find fault with what the author wrote. I pray, sincerely, that YOU or your family members aren’t tested with the ILLNESS of any addiction. Yes, it’s a disease. Would you heartlessly criticize someone with cancer? Would you attack someone with Multiple sclerosis? If you have any connection with your Neshama you would not. So I encourage you to keep your petty, ignorant mouths and keyboards shut. Get your heads out of the gutter and learn about a struggle that hundreds of millions of people including hundreds of thousands of your fellow Jews deal with on a daily basis. It’s called addiction.

    And to the person who is complaining that Rabbi Taub is somehow responsible for Miss Winehouse’s cremation. Better blame him for Hurricane Katrina. You will score more points with that logic. Good day to you.

  • Put Your Deeds Where Your Mouth Is wrote

    Just wondering…was Rabbi Shais Taub ever proactive in actually helping Amy or now that she is niftar does he get “sick and angry” after the fact.

    Being proactive means being reactive ahead of time.

    LA Morah, I’m surprised my comments came across to you in the tone of criticism, as that was never my intention.

    The way Rabbi Taub approaches the issues is worrysome as the article sounds all negative and doesn’t sound like it comes from a Torah way of thinking. The message it seems to convey is that “all is lost and give up all hope whilst watching the addicted person just spiral out of control wasting away to the point of no return until they die from this disease of no return”. How is that for inspiration and comfort? Hence me making those points.

    Rabbi Shais says “but if you’ve ever seen an addict come back from death’s door, you’ll know it doesn’t happen because one day they just decide to clean up their act and get their life together”… It DOES happen because the person DOES decide to take action and clean up their life and get it together, THEY’RE the ones who TAKE THOSE STEPS to get therapy, go to rehab, abstain from drugs etc. Hashem doesn’t just sprinkle “magic dust” and an addict is immediately “cured”. Addiction is not an instant overnight recovery. It’s hard work & WILLPOWER by the persons themself and it takes time and patience. Hashem helps those who help themselves. Talmud, Megillah 13b. “G-d always prepares the remedy before the affliction.”

    Based on letters and talks from the Rebbe;
    “A man who has given up hope is without a G-d”.
    “A man who awaits liberation each day is already free”.

    The deed is in action not mere words and we are taught that the power of prayer can accomplish anything, for it is pure light, a straight connection to the Holy One Blessed be He.

    We don’t understand the ways of Hashem. We can only do as much as we can down here on this Earth. If Hashem has other plans so be it and we must accept that without question. Our ways are not Hashem’s ways.

    Amy’s father, Mitch Winehouse has today claimed his tragic daughter had “beaten her drug addiction” – and had, in fact, “conquered her dependency three years ago”.
    The grieving 60-year-old told mourners at her funeral how the 27-year-old singer had “given up drugs despite the fact doctors had said it would be ‘impossible’ for her to beat her addiction”. And insisted that “she made a fantastic recovery”.

    Lesson is – nothing is ever impossible neither is it ever lost. Where there is life there’s hope.

    “Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution. If you don’t have any problems, you don’t get any seeds.”
    “Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution.”

    LA Morah as for what I did to quote yourself “another jew lately” in this case Amy, I did what I was able to do for her and her Neshamah in private. Hashem knows exactly what that was. I’m not here to satisfy your inquisitive mind neither do I need your endorsement on what I do in private. That is between me and Hashem, who hears and sees all.

    If I could have picked up the phone myself and talked Amy’s parents out of cremating Amy’s Body then I would have.

    Her parent’s may have very well been aware of the Halachah but at the end of the day people have free will and unfortuneately that was the choice they chose for their deceased daughter. May Hashem have mercy on her Neshama and bring it the peace and comfort it deserves and may Hashem have mercy on us and bring the ultimate Redemption.

  • Henna

    #15 is right.
    You’re all pretty much a bunch of superior know-it-alls, but the truth is you are INferior…. do you know where your neshama comes from? Was it from a better place than any other Jew around town? Shock horror, but the highest souls fall to the lowest places. Stop judging other Jews, and thinking you’re THE ONE – because you’re not. And if you think you are, just shows how much work needs to be done.

  • addiction is no joke- seemingly

    My husband has a different addiction and I’ve been hoping for a reversal. It seems that addiction is a very powerful klipa and maybe I’m in la-la-la land hoping for our pre-addiction days.

  • Chani Hanni

    bs’d
    beautifully written. It broke my heart, beautiful neshama, I kept track of her every so often, I try not to listen to this type of music, but her voice was so powerfully alluring. I felt her pain, and wished often that I could go there one day and give her a hug, try to bring her to Yiddishkeit, and when I heard the news, it hurt me to the core, as I felt all hope was lost, that it was too late for me to do what I wished at the back of my mind. Please don’t wait to save a life, if you can do it now, do it, don’t let bad messages get in your head, it’s too late to save Amy now. but if we perhaps do acts of chesed and tzedaka in her zechus, perhaps we can help to elevate her neshama, poor soul. Rest peacefully, sister.

  • TO #15

    Number 15..whoever you are, you have written the most intelligent and true letter I have yet to read on this site, no matter what the story.

    How does the saying go..“Do not Judge man until you have walked in his shoes”..frightened, ignorant people are always the quickest to judge and point the finger. G d created everything on this earth, everything has a purpose. A death of anyone is sad, and especially for the ones left behind. Jews know better, to show more compassion for all people and creatures of the world. That is what does set us apart, yet we have NO RIGHT to “dis” another..wait for your judgement day and see all the mistakes you made, I made, anyone and everyone made and then we can cry