Even though statistics show that many women reading this right now have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, most of these women have not and likely never will publicly address or even mention in private the fact of their miscarriage. Being that this kind of death is a fact of many women's lives, and that silence and shame only exaggerate the pain, I am opening up about my own miscarriage, which occurred a little over two months ago.
The Gift of Loss: Talking About My Miscarriage
Even though statistics show that many women reading this right now have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, most of these women have not and likely never will publicly address or even mention in private the fact of their miscarriage. Being that this kind of death is a fact of many women’s lives, and that silence and shame only exaggerate the pain, I am opening up about my own miscarriage, which occurred a little over two months ago.
I was almost three months pregnant and excitedly looking forward to telling more loved ones the news when I saw a trace of spotting. While it isn’t entirely uncommon in early pregnancy, thinking you’re growing a healthy baby and then seeing blood is very alarming. With my husband at my side, I called my midwives. They asked me questions, said it sounded usual and gave me two things to look out for that would signal something more serious: More blood. Cramping.
A day later, there was more blood. Then cramping. We knew what was happening. I became sad and worried and very anxious about what my body was about to go through. Getting pregnant and miscarrying is not something I ever prepared myself for. Even though experts estimate that one in every four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, I still thought it was something that only happened to, well, other people.
Although I was now showing all the signs of miscarrying, I wasn’t cramping or bleeding enough to be rushed in to the emergency room. I was advised to schedule a sonogram.
A day before my scheduled sonogram, I had a very busy and demanding day representing an organization I direct at the anual Chabad Kinnus HaShluchos. I was supposed to be on my feet for hours, dealing with people and, of course, smiling. (When I asked my midwife if this would be okay, she responded, “As long as you feel okay and there’s no cramping.” I wish she would have forbade it, because I truly felt like I just wanted to rest and protect my pregnancy. But she made sure to add, “Mimi, if this is a miscarriage, it’s already happened. You need to know that nothing you do or don’t do now is going to hurt your baby.” This was exactly what I needed to hear: that there is no reason to have guilt—now or later.)
Now let me tell you, greetings friends and customers and focusing on work is quite a feat when you’re bleeding and emotionally coming to terms with what you might see—or rather, not see—on a sonogram the next day. This made me think a lot about all the demands on women these days: how we fulfill so many roles and rise to every occasion regardless of the myriad of female-specific issues we may be going through. And how the demands of life within and without the home are not as flexible and understanding as often our minds and bodies need them to be.
Twenty hours hours later, I was in a gown being jellied up—me and my husband readied ourselves for the sonogram results. I took huge sighs, thinking “Is this really happening to me?” I cried for the first time since the spotting five days earlier. Before she placed the sensor on my belly, I silently begged G-d that we see a healthy baby, with a vibrant, beating heart—that the bleeding and cramping be some unexplainable fluke. But alas, I’ve had sonograms before and know what you’re supposed to see.
And it is not the black, empty space that me and my husband suddenly found ourselves peering into.
The woman taking the sonogram was not my doctor and was not allowed to tell me anything conclusive. Even though I was pretty confident with the image we saw, I was holding on to the possibility that I just wasn’t reading it right. I pleaded with her to tell me, but she just replied, “I’m just here to measure and take images.” I then endured an internal sonogram as well, feeling this cold stranger poke around and photograph what I thought was sacred inside me, but more than likely something dead. I cried more, my legs shaking, taking comfort in my husbands equally pained face. It was like we knew, but couldn’t really know.
What seemed like hours later, my doctor gently told me the results of the sonogram. She was sensitive and explained what they saw—a six or seven week fetus (when it was “meant” to be 12). It was officially what’s called a “Missed Miscarriage,” meaning that the fetus stopped living a while ago, but the pregnancy went on. Thankfully, my husband and I had prepared for this news, so the emotional reaction was not so traumatic, but more of a relief at finally knowing. On the ride home, we decided to stop somewhere, so we could sit face to face and process our feelings about what we just went through and were going to go through.
My most ever present reaction was feeling like a fool. I had told my parents and sister about my pregnancy when there was nothing alive inside me! Of course, I had no way of knowing…but it still stung. Something so within me had…tricked me. Even that very day, I was still having pregnancy symptoms. My body had misled me. I went from experiencing the maternal instincts inherent in pregnancy to feeling robbed, empty and out of touch. Adding to this feeling of shattered maternal instincts was the knowledge that something had died within me. My womb, what had been a safe, nurturing haven for my two beautiful, healthy boys (thank God!) had told me I was growing a life and then completely rejected it. It had just started beating it’s tiny little heart (or did it?) when it became not a thing of life and growth but death and loss.
Consciously aware that it was futile, irrelevant and even wrong, I couldn’t help but blame myself for losing the pregnancy. I should have been more strict about taking my prenatal vitamins! I shouldn’t have had coffee! Maybe had I not felt so overwhelmed about this pregnancy in the first place, G-d wouldn’t have taken it away! The latter tormented me the most.
I was told to expect my body to expel whatever was left of the pregnancy (placental matter, tissue, significant loss of blood). And if it didn’t, I’d have to schedule a D&C to have it done manually. I am grateful that a few days after the sonogram, I was at home and experienced intense labor-like cramps that was the beginning of the end of my miscarriage. (I will spare the details here, but anyone who is curious or going through the same thing and wants to know, don’t hesitate to e-mail me.) This episode lasted a few hours. It was painful and intense and semi-traumatic and I would not have gone through it unscathed had it not been for my mother, sister and amazing midwife Jesse.
When I updated Jesse (who had delivered my second child and whom my husband and I adore), she let me know that my body was doing the right thing, and what to expect. She spent time patiently with me on the phone and said the most compassionate and remarkable words: “You know, this is your body and the universe’s kindness. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s a good thing.” Obviously, one doesn’t naturally view miscarriage as any sort of kindness—especially for those women who experience them repeatedly and/or have yet to have healthy children. But what I took from what she was saying was something I needed to hear: The fetus was unhealthy. And instead of G-d willing it into the world to experience pain or even death and inflict me with an even greater physical and emotional agony, he retracted its existence—effectually gifting me with its loss.
When Jesse said this, I remember feeling the “power of women.” It sounds like a cliche, but really we are an invincible, powerful species. Just think how the same midwife that encouraged me through a labor and birth was now comforting me through a loss—with the same sensitivity, strength and faith that, only a year before guided my contractions to birth a healthy child.
Though I wish I never had a miscarriage, I am thankful to G-d for the way it happened, for my good health and for surrounding me with a sound medical system, a loving family and a supportive husband. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes quite a few sensitive yet strong and totally massive hearts to support a woman who is losing a pregnancy.
I chose to write about my miscarriage because I believe strongly that there should be no shame or guilt about the choices our bodies and G-d make for us. There is nothing wrong with you or your “womanliness” if you have a miscarriage. Perhaps if we spoke about these realities more, so many women wouldn’t feel insecure, silenced, afraid and broken.
I live in a community where most women seem to always be either pregnant or with a newborn. Those suffering from infertility or who have experienced a miscarriage get lost in the shuffle, forced to deal with their pain in a silent way—whether they want to or not.
Should we not be able to band together in reasonable and healthy ways not only in our joys and triumphs, but in the reality of our pains and losses? We all have them. A woman who experiences a loss should feel allowed to discuss her miscarriage with equal freedom as her friend with a burgeoning belly.
She shouldn’t fear being viewed as weak. We cannot allow her to fear being pitied.
Strong, healthy and fertile women all over the world have miscarriages. Some happily choose to keep their experiences to themselves. There is virtue in that, too. But a woman who feels she would find healing in discussing her experience openly should never feel the burden of potential shame that may come with “exposing” herself. Especially if the good that candor brings and the conversation it creates can only enlighten other women to be more sensitive, prepared and empowered.
rabbi
a sonogram only adds danger to the women and the baby
never take a sonogram unless its pikuach nefesh mamesh
the rebbe was also against taking a sonogram
Thank you
Thanks for sharing. I had a similar but different experience and agree with everything you say.
Have been there 4 plus times too many :(
You are a courageous woman for expressing so poignantly, your painful experience. You, I’m sure, have helped many a young woman with this writing.
There is a booklet, The Child I Never Knew, published by The Taharas Hamishpacha Organization & Mikvah.org which I have received and consequently purchased for several friends who have had to endure miscarriage.
Your writing would make a wonderful addition to that booklet. I believe they also have writings on their site for women who suffer loss. You would do good to have them post your writing on their site as well.
May you experience healthy births from now and on in good health and happiness!
CH
“gifting me with its loss”. I know what you mean but it’s a very wrong thing to write (imho). Life is celebrated, loss of life isn’t. Knowing that an unhealthy child wasn’t produced should make coping much easier, but calling it a gift…
to comment #1
to comment number 1: you are obviously ignorant, how else would they know if the fetus is alive?? your comment was unnecessary and insensitive. the rebbe was not against sonograms across the board, just routine ones done for no real reason. this is a real reason
to the rabbi
a woman who is pregnant and bleeding needs a sonogram to determine if either she or the fetus are in danger, that would go under pikuach nefesh.
Another mom
I had a miscarriage over 10 years ago…it was during a very traumatic time in my life and I believe that is why I miscarried. It was a sad and painful experience (had a d&c)’, but I realized that this ה׳ was really trying to protect us from having a very unhealthy baby! Thank u for sharing ur experience
To #1
Comment #1, first of all, you are not, and certainly don’t deserve to use the title “Rabbi”.
Your comment says it all: You are an ignorant fool.
It does not have to be “Pikuach Nefesh” to take a sonogram, and don’t put words into our Rebbe’s mouth. It only has to be “necessary”, and that is all.
You are probably a fanatic BT. Actually, you are DEFINITELY a BT. Go back to your Chabad Rabbi who made you a BT, and tell him that he should start all over again, because clearly, you have missed out on the main point.
S.V.
To #1:22 years ago I was in the same situation, my husband called the Rebbe’s office for a Brocho. My Husband asked one of the Rebbe’s secretaries, “doesn’t the Rebbe not agree with ultrasounds?” and he answered, “if it’s just to know the size or how far along you are in the pregnancy, then no, but if it’s for medical reasons then it is permitted.
Enough already
I know there are many women who are cheering right now. You probably said what they feel, but I find this piece over the top. Not everything has to be public. Why do writers feel they have to expose everything in their lives to the public? We are living in a fishbowl. Why? This would be a good article for N’shei Magazine, not for a public blog viewed by Bochurim and men.
Mimi, while I don’t think a woman with your considerable talent should limit herself to writing flowery puff pieces, you need to find a balance between sensationalism and subtlety, while still remembering propriety. You haven’t found that level yet.
Vinny
To Rabbi:
Where does it say that?
Thank you!
a rabbi
to#1 you don’t know what you talking about, don’t write stupid things
Take courage to have written this. Thnx!
Thanks for sharing.
Another Thank You
As a women who has gone through three miscarriages, and no children as of yet, it was touching to read what you have gone through. Thank you for writing the conclusion about being allowed to talk about it without people pitying. Each miscarriage was so emotionally painful but the pitying glances I get from people, or people that are afraid of talking to me for fear of saying the wrong thing cause an even greater pain.
People out there- please don’t pity! What I am going through is my own business, your business is to treat me normally. Each person has their own test. Mine is out in the open.
Sorry for your pain but...
I don’t think this site is the right forum for such a sensitive & detailed experience…
MD
There is no evidence that sonograms cause harm to the unborn fetus. More importantly, if G-d forbid, the ob/gyn does find something early in the pregnancy, there is a chance that it can be fixed in utero (spinal issues), or can help with preparation for the birth of child in the case were it will needs treatment immediately after birth (club feet). It is irresponsible for a Rabbi, or anyone for that matter, to proclaim something that isn’t based on actual research or case reports. One must be very careful when talking about issues they are not qualified for. Would you want an MD to tell a patient what to do concerning halachic matters?
Not Appropriate
While I feel terrible for Mimi, as I have gone through the same experience. I really don’t think this is an appropriate topic posted on a website where boys and girls of all ages frequent.
This is way too detailed for their young minds.
Please correct me if I am wrong.
Please make the right choice!
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you for voicing our pain. In regards to the comment that “rabbi” wrote, it is a fact that the Rebbe did not encourage sonograms, however, I went through a pregnancy that was bordering “high risk” and although, Baruch Hashem everything went smoothly, it was of utmost importance to be monitored. Therefore, I disagree that sonograms are only for Pikuach Nefesh. A sonogram should be done if there is even the slightest concern from the doctor or midwife. This will then prevent any Pikuach Nefesh situations. A warning to women; if your doctor or midwife is concerned, and recommends you do a sonogram, DON’T REFUSE UNDER PREMISE THAT THE REBBE SAID NO! it is your child’s life on the line. Don’t be foolish and Please make the right decision!
I can relate
I went through a miscarriage at the end of my 9th month. (some would call it a still born, but I miscarried before I went into labor). I agree with everything that was written, and it properly described the emotions.
What I would suggest to women is that when you see blood, get checked IMMEDIATELY! Although in this woman’s particular situation it would not have helped, there are times when something could be done to prevent a miscarriage from taking place!
And if someone R”L should go through a miscarriage, know that talking to others who went through it does help the emotional healing process. It won’t take away the pain, and although at the moment you’re not in the mood of hearing other women’s tzoros, it does eternalize in you and you realize that you’re not alone. in america, the rate is 35%.
May we only share simchas together!
To number 1 rabbi
You claimed to be a rabbi which I highly doubt.and what you say about rebbe being against sonograms is not true don’t spread things u don’t know.
17 you are right
you couldnt have been more to the point.
been there
During my high risk pregnancies, as far as sonograms; I asked the Rebbe about sonograms and got a very clear answer, “do not allow this as a routine test, but do, do it when the doctor deems it necessary.”
Forgot to mention...
I am #18. forgot to mention that I had 2 miscarriages before my first child was born. The doctor said I could have prevented them had I taken a sono….. I would like to stress again that it is very important to be in tune with your body and to know about your health and medical history. Be informed and make the right choice! And to all of those who are arrogantly putting comment #1 down, S.V. said it very nicely. The Rebbe discouraged sonograms that were for no medical reason. FACT. If there are concerns, than you must do what your doctor says. Both points made clear.
AshMan
Don’t forget your husband in this, too. It gets very lonely for guys. We give you the best stiff upper lip we can, but we hurt too.
And #1, take your 15 year old trollish behavior to another site. We realize you just want to stir the pot, but please, grow up.
well writtten
amazing article!!
mm
dearest Mimi, you are a courageous woman. thank you for sharing with us ALL, men & woman alike. these are important issues that pertain to everyone. awareness is key regardless of experience. may you be blessed with only good things!
Anon
http://www.americanpregnanc…
la costa
A Time has a nice miscarriage support package that they will mail to you for free. i had a lovely lady call me who had double digit losses. just call their office.
ok....
first of all this article is entriely inappropriate on this very public forum. Post it on a womans forum on chabad.org in the womens section but here??? where any age can see it?
also equating infertility with those who suffered a miscarraige after already having healthy children is like putting apples and chalk in one basket. I do not mean to lessen the pain of a miscarraige in comparison, it is painful no 2 ways about it. But you can’t lump them together.
It is NOT the same and belong nowhere near each other.
dissent
To 17 and others – this should be a wake-up call to parents who want to shelter their children. To everyone else, knowing this is a reality of life before having to go through it themselves (ch”v) could potentially be a huge bracha.
BT Comment
to #8 Please don’t show such disrespect for others. I don’t care what experience you ever had with a BT, generalising like you did here is a terrible injustice. Your words are embaressing to me as a lubavitcher from birth as well. If you can portray such disrespect for others you have some serious work to do. Being Frum from birth won’t make it any easier.
Time and Place
I totally agree with nunber 10.
whilst it is sometimes helpful for people not to feel alone in what they feel and experience THIS was not the forum .
About BT-s
To #31.
I don’t mean to generalize. I am referring to the faction of BT’s that have a tendency to tell other people how to run their lives.
If you want to be makpid on your own personal chassidishkeit, like on Negel Vaser, then by all means do so. But DON’T go around telling other’s what to do with their personal lives. Oh, and don’t make up halachos in the name of the Rebbe.
Mom who has suffered too
As someone who suffered a number of miscarriages (BH have a number of children now), I feel I can voice my opinion
It is an extremely painful and traumatic experience. It can help to talk about it, and share, but this is not the appropriate venue. Even if you feel it is necessary to post here, it should be edited to reflect the public view this blog gets. Is every gory and private detail needed in order to afford you the therapeutic effect of writing here?
I commend you, Mimi, for your courage to write, but how you write can be a bit more mindful and respectful of who reads it
a mother of a bunch of ka--h
many yrs ago, a very special principal, gave us girls a horaa,
when a child is born, it’s only natural to give tzedaka for a healthy birth, but don’t forget, when it’s a still born, or miss,a neshama had a shlichus, you were part of it, it’s a great zchus, give tzedaka for all unexplained events in life.
i went throgh 8 miss, and every time it gave me kochos to belive
and complete the event by giving tzdaka.
only good news
a mother of a bunch of ka--h
many yrs ago, a very special principal, gave us girls a horaa,
when a child is born, it’s only natural to give tzedaka for a healthy birth, but don’t forget, when it’s a still born, or miss,a neshama had a shlichus, you were part of it, it’s a great zchus, give tzedaka for all unexplained events in life.
i went throgh 8 miss, and every time it gave me kochos to belive
and complete the event by giving tzdaka.
only good news
Esther
Thank you so much for the great courage it took to speak of this so publicly. It is precisely in addressing this issue so openly that we can remove the stigma associated with a deeply painful experience that shouldn’t be a cause for guilt or shame, but all too often is. The understanding that a great number of pregnancies end in miscarriage is valuable to everyone. As #30 so eloquently stated, knowing that this is a common reality ahead of time lifts part of an enormous burden from the shoulders of parents who must also grieve a devastating loss. (Don’t think for a minute that this is purely a women’s issue- this is incredibly difficult for husbands as well.) As sisters and mothers and brothers and fathers and friends, we are so much better prepared to offer much-needed support when we have a sense of the depth of our loved ones’ suffering. No one should ever feel that they must suffer in silence.
What should or shouldn’t be posted on this website is, quite rightly, wholly at the discretion of its editorial staff. If you believe that this article will force your children to think about things they’re not ready for, please consider whether they’re ready to surf the web unsupervised. If this article causes your children to ask questions, please try to answer them honestly and appropriately. Feeling safe to openly and frankly discuss sensitive topics with a parent can make a world of difference to children in so many ways. Adults who find this subject matter too personal or sensitive to read can stop at the title. But please don’t allow your discomfort with the details to derail your empathy.
wrong forum for this topic
wrong forum for this. Should not have been posted here and the image and story itself can be very triggering for those who have experienced loss.
The issue is not with Mimi
This was a well written article and I’m sure Mimi did not write it with ch.info in mind. Crownheights.info should have a “women’s section” where women can click on and read articles. It should not be on the front page for anyone to access it.
Michal
I had four miscarriages in the past three years and I know what you are talking about, but I don’t think this topic has to be publicized. I have never felt ashame or guilt about my experience but this is a very personal ecperience. Not to be posted in a public website.
infertility
to # 29. i whle heartedly agree. infertility and having a miscarriage after already having had a kid or two,are two totally seperate issues.
the two situations hold excruciating pain, but let me tell you from someone like me who has suffered from miscarriages and yet still have not had one child – it is very different from somone who has had misscariages and was able to give birth to a healthy child.
ALSO, TO ALL THOSE OUT THERE, WHO SEEM TO FORGET WHAT YOUR VERY GOOD FRIENDS ARE GOING THROUGH WITH INFERTILITY, PLEASE DO NOT FLAUNT YOUR BABY STORIES AND TELL US THAT YOU JUST GOT PREGANANT AGAIN FOR THE 7TH TIME IN 7 YEARS. ALTHOUGH WE ARE GENUINLY HAPPY FOR YOU , BELIEVE ME , IT HURTS LIKE HELL FOR US!
we are just trying to get through each day without obvious reminders every two seconds. to all those out there who have friends suffering from infertility, please be a bit more cautious with comments you make to us. to you it may seem vey innocent, but you don’t know how one little comment that you make can cause so much hurt. we will smile , and talk as if nothing is wrong, but believe me, you dont know how many tears are cried behind our closed doors
To #8
While I agree with the underlying premise of your words, once you descended into the quagmire of name calling and belittling others (BT’s) you turned into the very person whom you wrote against.
There was no reason for that additional insult.
The “Rabbi” of #1 is obviously incorrect.
Yet, that’s his opinion. He did not state “I am a BT and no one should have a sonogram”
So at the most: blame the Rabbi, not the BT’s.
Above all; learn to live and let live.
This world is big.
There’s room for everyone.
Live how you want. Let others live how they want.
Stop preaching and trying to coerce others.
Then we will have peace and happiness in our community.
Gift of Loss?????
I have too experienced this enormous pain much later in my pregnancy. I identify with your emotions, social situations 100%, but I can never believe that loss is ever a gift :(.
csd
#8: you sound very angry. About what. Go back to your REBBE and tell him.
Would you talk against BT’s like that if the Rebbe was here. How coarse, and especially under a sensitive topic like this one, you come to blast someone for being a BT which our Rebbe wants. You can learn where you’re really at by re-reading what you wrote there.
I give the writer of this article credit for her thoughts, however I would be uncomfortable putting all that in a public mixed forum. Chabad.org and other websites have Women’s Sections and that would be more appropriate. Now that all bachurim who read this website know about all the symptoms, and thats not necessary.
My sister praises the Chabad.org women’s section, it might be more sensitive to put something so delicate in there.
best wishes
sch
#28, YES Atime does have an excellent package for this.
But my question is, should it be out inthe open for everyone to see about this experience? I thought Jewish liberation was sticking to women only
aaa
BS”D
Things happen, we can’t control them
“Chazak veya’amatz libeicho vekovei el Hashem”
Amazing article.
e.ny
#42 and #44, thankyou.
I will add to that and say that anyone (re # 8) who is so open about their feelings, in this case about “BT”s”, is really going to be able to see what is on their mind…..yes, they themselves. Because if someone can say something so inappropriate and insensitive then they are not even in control of their own thoughts and do not even have their priorities straight. you sound very mixed up but this is good, for now you know and so do alot of other people. As someone else said here, that was a real load of anger. Why don’t you learn how to take out your anger in the right places. Even more obvious that you are not aware of whats on your own mind, your anger is just popping out.
if you cared about the issue at hand of this woman’s difficulty, then you wouldn’t have posted. Find another way to vent your anger. If you believe in the Aibeshter, then you will find that way.
I do question why this article is not in a more appropriate setting……but my bracha to the writer nevertheless.
as far as the anger, my zeide said that when you make a mistake, you can learn about yourself and work on your midos like that. I hope for your sake you do
#39, I agree, good point.
community member
Amazing article, I’m not even reading all the other comments, b/c you get some really random comments on here. Really thought provoking and well said. It’s true, we tend to share our joys, but there’s no evident place in our community for people who need to share the pain of no children or loss of children.
ATIME for Pregnancy Loss Support
ATIME has a whole pregnancy loss department, complete with delivery to your door of a most beautiful and helpful package of reading material and resources for ALL those involved (husbands adn parents too). They have a support line and great people to speak to. They also have special people who will come to the hospital to support and help those going through delivery of a stillborn R”L. They operate very discreetly and are extremely helpful.
For more information visit http://www.atime.org.
ami
#42, I could not have said it better, thankyou.
I cannot imagine why yid would be so disrespectful to mention BT in that way. You should be embarased at putting that thought out in public. I hope if you look at it again you will embarass yourself. It is also very not good for our community or for klal yisroel to see this attitude. How can you really call yourself a chasid of the Rebbe, or maybe you don’t. In your heart you have sinas chinam it seems, but maybe if you look inside as we know from Tanya, you will find out more. That is inapprorpiate and especially after an article like this.
I also agree with #15 and other similar to that. Nobody has a right to intimidate someone by calling them a name which makes it sound derrogitory. We are not allowed to portray anyone person or people and make them look in a negative way.
Chana
It makes me laugh. On nearly every article I read on this website, someone comments that this wasn’t the place for that article to be posted. Is there a headline on the top of the site announcing that this is a non-controversial, Jewish topics only, child-appropriate topics only website? They made a website and decided what type of content to feature – THAT’S the kind of website it is. If you want one that only shares mazel tovs, go make your own. If the content regularly featured here is not what you want your children to see, don’t let them on it. It’s like walking into a upscale steakhouse and complaining that they don’t sell fast food.
to #1
i am rabbi. your not. dont make up stories.
#1
rabbi farkash an expert lubavitcher rav in these matters urges women to TAKE the 21 – 26 week ultrasound
Seriously?!
Thanks for sharing.
I don’t understand why people think this isn’t for everyone to read.
Women – can use the comfort of knowing they’re not alone or bad.
Men – suffer just as their wives do.
Girls – how many ladies wish they knew beforehand how common and normal it is, so that they should be prepared?
Bochurim – same as girls, and if you think they shouldnt read this, because it’s too graphic, then censor the gamara!
Tiny kids – what are they doing on the Internet unsupervised?!
Distraught
My friend has had 4 miscarriages in under 3 years; can anyone advise us or recommend which doctor/experts we can turn to for guidance and help as to where she can go from here;she does’nt have much family and no one is giving her any clear answers as to what to do, or what the cause is of these miscarriages, though tests have been taken and came back without any real explanations or assurances; She is 25 and has no children yet; any idea where she can go to for help in this field; and who the best person is to talk to
As you can imagine she is distraught and desperate for explanations
Thank you for bringing this out in the open, I’m sure it was’nt easy
can-t believe some comments
Disclaimer- I did not read all of the comments, BUT…
I can’t believe all of the comments that say that this article belongs in a woman’s site/magazine, etc.
HELLOOOOOO!
Why do some consider miscarriage a “woman’s” issue? It’s a FAMILY issue!!! Why shouldn’t men and bochurim read what women go through to gain some perspective? And children? First of all, the details are not graphic enough to understand exactly what happens during a miscarriage. And secondly, what about the children who watch their mothers go through miscarriages at home?
Too many times women are told to keep their “issues” to themselves and not publicize. ENOUGH silencing women.
this is totally the
wrong place for this article- this belongs in a womens mag
Esti
Thank you Mimi for sharing. I went through the same experience very recently and it is nice to read this. I shared our loss with friends and family and can attest to how much better it makes a woman and man feel when they know others are there to share the same situation.
For those of you who have had miscarriages, and didn’t feel like they needed to share etc…that is how YOU felt, there are many more women out there who do/had felt ashamed and NEEDED to share their pains.
This article is completely appropriate. Life and death is a topic everyone should be well informed of. Young children should not be on the internet unsupervised anyway, so that should not be a problem.
Again, thank you Mimi for posting.
I first read this on Mimi’s blog. My husband did not want to show it to me from this site. he thought I would be infuriated by all of the idiotic comments.
People can-t READ!
To all those who are bashing #1, you probably didn’t READ the part where the author made it clear that she had ROUTINELY gotten sonograms in the past:
“But alas, I’ve had sonograms before and know what you’re supposed to see. And it is not the black, empty space that me and my husband suddenly found ourselves peering into.”
It is clear that she didn’t just get the sonogram this one time or even one other time but MANY times, hence the plural “I have gotten sonogramS in the past.”
Now that we have cleared that up, let me just add that #1 is still obnoxious for offering this unsolicited advice. To be melamed zchus though I am assuming he didn’t even read the article and just saw the picture of a sonogram and posted his comment.
to #55
Dr platt is a high Risk doctor ( and frum) – top of the line in Los Angeles. His telephone number at his office is (323) 857-1952
Besuros Tovos. Thank you for looking out for your friend…
appaled
Don’t we have any Tznius any more? This topic may be relevant but there is definitely a place for every discusiion.
What will we discuss next in public? Perhaps we should discuss intimate sholom bayis topics on this site?
There must some limit to what we discuss publicly.
To #54 you are just showing you vast knowledge. The gemara says that certain parts of the Torah are read and not translated. So yes the Gemara itself imposes censorship.
Bochurim do not learn Meseceches Nida for example. Yes there are limitations on this world. They are known as tznius for example.
On Shabbos we have limitations for what we are allowed to do and not allowed to do.
In fact the Torah has more limitations than positive. 365 mitvos lo saasai. 248 mitzvos assai.
55
Thank you so much number 58 – its very much appreciated, and I will pass it on –
May we only share good news
to #55
A TIME – 1718 686 8912 or Bonei Olam – 718 252 1212 would be the best place to start – you should also at this point be seeing someone who specializes in this (who can do proper testing…)and not a regular OB – Wishing you much Hatzlacha
concerned in MA
To 51 and 56…
Well worded!
To all in general, pro or con, regarding this article: There will never be a site that meets all your expectations/needs without anyone else critiquing it unless you are the creator & only reader of it.
Several commentors suggested where to go for women (or men) only topics. Have you done this? Even on those sites, you will find people who do/do not agree with what is written. The bottom line is to choose what you & your family are/are not willing to accept in the media & simply click off as soon as you decide that what you are reading is not to your taste. Did someone hold a gun to your head to make you continue reading it?
In a serious light, if nothing else, it alerts the public to some symptoms of miscarrage. I have taken are of several women who would not be alive today had their children not called 911 when the mother passed out from hemorrhaging.
To those who state what the Rebbe would/would not say/do: The Rebbe was intelligent, articculate, & caring. IF (and that is a big if) he were alive today, with the knowlege of how medical technology has evolved, how dare you say what he would/would not have said at this time? He would not allow others to put their words in his mouth in his lifetime….what gives you the right to do so in his death?
to # 55
also have your friend be in touch with ina may gaskin, a well known midwife (google her). she writes in one of her books about a woman who kept having miscarriage after miscarriage (9 in all, i think) and she finally, with G-d’s help, carried a pregnancy to term. many blessings to your friend.
stb
#56, please see #61.
what is the “helloooo”, thats just a dis. If you think you know the truth, just say it. Don’t you even realize that the “helloooo” is like saying “you’re a dope”. Now what does that help.
Get a (Jewish) life. Get respectful and treat your fellow Jews with dignity.
even if they don’t deserve it up front, they deserve it because they are also a part of Am Yisroel.
I wonder if you have teenage sons then, if you don’t care if they read about cramping and bleeding. To me, its not a bad or sinful or shameful issue, but its a delicate issue and you don’t slop it all over.
why do people find it fun to let loose here its weird.
mad
I totally feel for this lady and a support group might help, I have been in your place 4 times with out any support only hearing from my close family, “poor you, you are young and try again” but this is not a story for this kind of website…I am waiting for whoever is in charge to take this off, I just cannot believe they approved to post this story
to #55
this might sound out of whack, but maybe suggest to ur friend to test for celiac disease (a severe form of gluten allergy). i’ve heard of ppl who suffered multiple miscarriages b/c they had celiac disease and didnt realize….
tp # 59
You are really a fool…
She has 2 kids – and therefore would have had more than one sonogram – hence the PLURAL!!
Routine sonograms are the ones you get every few weeks/months to see the size of the baby…and those are the ones that are unnecessary!!!
a MEDICALLY NECESSARY sonogram is the recommended one at about 20 weeks that checks for MEDICAL problems.
It is medically necessary – because nowadays, many things CAN BE FIXED inside the womb!!! Things, that if not fixed could result in miscarriage or serious problems later in life.
Ask the mother who, because of a sonogram, had a huge team of doctors ready to save her baby the minute it was born!!! and the baby that would have died if not for the sonogram is now a miracle story and alive!!! and a few years old!! If they hadnt done the ONE MEDICALLY necessary sonogram at 20 weeks, they would never have known of the problems and the baby would never have survived long enough to even be diagnosed or have a chance to be operated on!!! Ask her if her routine 20 week sonogram was just routine or medically necessary!?!?!
Anyone who doesnt have at least ONE Sonogram is a fool – and to avoid even one in the Rebbes name is completely misguided!!!!!!
to 43
Also,
to 43: it IS a gift– that is the POINT! It is a brachah in disguise! Everything is for the good…just as a miscarriage is for the good.
Mimi’s words are correct.
Question!
My question is: WHY DID THE REBBE SAY NOT TO HAVE UNNECESSARY SONOGRAMS?
Sonograms when you are pregnant ARE necessary, or when your doctor thinks you may have a cancerous tumor etc…
to #58
you write that there are so many comments here that are idiotic.
what makes you so sure that it is not your comment that is idiotic
orli
innocent question:
what is such a sensitive article doing in such an open website.
its like selling oranges in a shoestore.
nothing shameful about it, but it sort of takes away the chashivus and the delicacy of it by sharing it with everyone.
I also know about miscarriages. I cannot get myself to share the stories unless its on a women’s forum. WHY would men benefit from this, but more important, is what purpose does it serve? Its a woman’s issue. I also agree with #67 and #66.
56 doesnt sound like she has much insight if she must be so angry. Its hard to take someone like that seriously. I think that people need to take the time to think first, not be so reactive or you find out later that you just lost control of embarassing thoughts.
Positive article
This is Number 55;
Thanks to this article, (number 73, this is for you) my friend, and perhaps many others like her, may just find the right help, or person to advise them, because the people who took the trouble to answer, read about her freinds anguish, as a direct result of this piece, and wrote back with various suggestions; if EVEN one person is helped due to this posting, it’ll be the most amazing miracle! So, thats already one very valid reason why this article had to be posted, publicly, for people to see and read and be there for each other! I’m sure there are other positive reasons too!
Thank you to you all! We should share good news only!
to mimi
Mimi, you write so beautifully, yet you are such a young writer. The balance of a Jewish woman and a writer is a tough one, be”H you will master it. You will find a way to write it all without sounding too sensationalist, overly untznius and basically not proper for a bas lubavich ( whatever that means).
Bleeding, spotting…all the details…may HaShem guide you to continue inspiring, healing and comforting while keeping yourself dignified.
With MUCH love to the writer in you and the mother in you.
To number 75
As Antoine Dodson would Say “YOU ARE SO DUMB”
Bracha
ESTHER AT NUMBER 37 YOU SAID IT BEST!
Confused in Los Angeles
I agree that number 37 is probably the best comment posted. Re. the actual article I thought it was very descriptive and real and lets all of us appreciate what Mimi went through. As a side note I find it incredible that out of 77 comments nobody seemed to find it strange that a woman experiencing medical problems during pregnancy would consult a midwife and not a real doctor. I think this is a HUGE problem in CH where it seems that the average person doesn’t trust doctors. They think midwives are better at delivering babies than OBs, home birth better than a sanitary hospital, homeopaths are better than pediatricians, n’shei editors the proper authority on vaccinations, etc, etc. It’s shocking.