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Unknown Stranger Brought to Rest
A body has been found in the southern section of Zion Forest. It was discovered and then buried by Mr. Kalman Cohen, who was taking a shortcut to work. When asked to describe the horrific scene, Mr. Cohen said: “I was shocked, dismayed, and totally startled when I stumbled upon this body. I SCREAMED AND SCREAMED at the top of my lungs, ‘HELLO, ANYONE? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I FOUND A DEAD YOU-KNOW-WHAT!’ but lo and behold, there was no one around!
Being a Kohen, the Torah forbids me from touching a dead body, but this poor, unfortunate, abandoned body, is an exception to the rule. Our great Rabbis call this situation a “Mes Mitzvah” – it’s a Mitzvah to help this Mes, dead person, and I am fortunate to have helped bring this person to his final rest.”
Cute Kid Creates Kiddush HaShem
Young, charming Batya Applebaum recently caused a sensation when she returned extra money she had received after she purchased a bag of apples.
“That was really sweet of her to walk back into the store and give me the extra $1.30 I gave her,” exclaimed Mr. Walter Melon, owner of Fresh Fruit Farms. “I was so impressed when Batya explained to me the concept of Kiddush HaShem. When she does the right thing, it reflects well on her, her people and even her G-d. I like that!”
New Holiday Calendar Announced
The long-awaited Jewish Holiday Calendar has been released by G-d Inc. via Moses Communications. “These are the holidays of HaShem,” announced Moshe Rabbeinu, official Divine representative. In addition to restrictions on work, Moshe instructed how each holiday is to be celebrated with specific animal offerings in the Holy Temple.
“Pesach begins the cycle of holidays in the Spring; Shavuos comes 50 days later;
Rosh Hashanah is followed by Yom Kippur and Sukkos, all in the same month; And let’s not forget Shabbos every week.”
Public Service Announcement
Rambam, Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon, chief rabbi of Cairo, Egypt, issued an urgent call to all Jews throughout the world: When a person eats and drinks in celebration of the holidays, he is obligated to feed strangers, orphans, widows, and others who are needy and poor. But a person who locks the gates of his courtyard and eats and drinks only with his children and his wife, without feeding the poor and the embittered – this is not called rejoicing of a Mitzvah, it’s called rejoicing of his stomach! Mishneh Torah, Laws of Yom Tov, Chapter 6, Halacha 18
Cairo Kosher Mart Jam Packed!
The aisles of Cairo Kosher Mart were jammed with shoppers, wheeling overflowing carts of groceries through the store. The shoppers were preparing for the upcoming Jewish holiday of Shavuos. Wine, challah, fish, meat, shawarma, falafel, pita bread, shishkabob, baba-ghanoush, and many other fine delicacies were disappearing from the shelves at record speed.
“We are stocking up so that we will have plenty of delicious food for our guests,” said Rachamim ibn Daoud, as he struggled to push his overflowing cart down the crowded aisles. “My wife saw the Rambam’s call to action, so she keeps on inviting more guests. Naturally, I’m the one she sends to Cairo Kosher to buy more food. This is going to be a Yom Tov to remember!”
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