Power of the “Like” – Kabbalah of Facebook

A group of friends in the midst of an after-dinner conversation started talking about what they had to be thankful for. One of the group said, “Well I, for one, am grateful to Mrs. Wendt, an old school teacher who, 30 years ago in a little West Virginia town, went out of her way to introduce me to the works of the poet, Tennyson.” “And does this Mrs. Wendt know that she made that contribution to your life?” someone put in. “I’m afraid she doesn’t. I have been careless and have never, in all these years, told her either face-to-face or by letter.” “Then why don’t you write her?”

Now, all this is very poignant to me, because Mrs. Wendt was my teacher and I was the fellow who hadn’t written. That very evening, I tried to atone. On the chance that Mrs. Wendt might still be living, I sat down and wrote her what I call a Thanksgiving letter. This is the handwritten note I had in return. It began:

“My Dear Willie-

I am now an old lady in my 80′s, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely and seemingly like the last leaf of fall left behind. You will be interested to know, Willie, that I taught school for 50 years and, in all that time, yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a blue, cold morning, and it cheered my lonely old heart as nothing has cheered me in many years.”

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For many people, social media has become an integral part of daily life. Whether it be your 60 year old mother or grandmother, whose activity evolves around her Facebook homepage, or your peers who interact via a variety of platforms for the greater part of the day (and night), social media has infiltrated most people’s daily routines.

Facebook in particular stands out as one of the more innovative, popular and flourishing social network mediums. Upon logging-in, you are treated to a quick snapshot of what your friends are doing and their status updates. It serves as a social organizational tool as well – for many of the events publicized, it is the only form of invitation. The various different ways to interact; commenting, posting, poking, etc., not to mention the ever popular “Like” option, have made the Facebook experience most personable and real.

The whole media platform phenomenon can be a great blessing to mankind. It can serve as a means of bringing people together, help strengthen communication, share ideas and social networking. That’s after all what it’s all about. No? Well maybe, or maybe not.

We are nothing without being liked.

“If you can be honest with me just this one time,” says Chris Matyszczyk of CNET, “You don’t really go onto Facebook to see how everyone else is doing, do you? You go there to get something crucial to your well-being. You post something not because you want to inform, but because you hope someone will offer love. Preferably at least 10 people. It’s even better when they don’t just click the “Like” button, but they also comment with an expression of praise or envy.

But what happens when you get ignored? Are you hurt? Do you fume? Do you begin to feel that your position in life is slipping faster than a luge on ice? If you do, you are merely the new normal. For research by the University of Queensland’s School of Psychology in Australia shows that being ignored on Facebook is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to a human being. Well, almost.

As Science Daily reports, the researchers tried two studies to gauge human suffering on social networks. In one, they simply had half the group posting on Facebook and the other half lurking, observing, itching to post. After just two days, the latter group struggled to like themselves at all, believing they were but grains of sand in golf course bunkers. Naturally, I paraphrase slightly, but not so much as to ignore the essential truth.

In the second study, the researchers offered participants full Facebook freedom. ‘Post away!’ they cried. ‘Comment away! Clearly this was joy for the guinea piglets. However, half were unaware that their computers were set up not to receive any responses, approbations, likes or even acknowledgements of their existence. This latter half were said to feel ‘Invisible,’ as well as excluded and less important than those who had enjoyed virtual pats on their backs, behinds and who knows where else.”

So clearly there is more to these social tools than the benign sharing of information. It has as much to do with being recognized, accepted and liked than it does with anything else. But why do people care so much about being acknowledged, or whether their updates are “Liked?” The answer is for the same reason that they post in the first place; because humans need interaction and approval –“Validation” – from others to feel satisfaction about their own lives. Call it a form of egotism, but apparently people need it and thrive off of it.

The Power Of The “Like:”

Given the above, the “Like” button is an extremely powerful tool placed in the hand of every mortal Facebook user; it can apparently make or break people. “Michael, a young high school student I am mentoring,” says Larry Rosen Ph.D., in Rewired – The Psychology of Technology, “Celebrated his 17th birthday recently. I saw him a day or two later and wished him a belated congratulations and made arrangements to take him out to dinner to celebrate. I asked him how his birthday was and he grabbed his smartphone and excitedly showed me a long string of Facebook posts on his wall. As I was reading them he said, ‘Did you see that I got 129 ‘likes?’ That’s the most ever! Wow! What a birthday!’

When I mentioned that everyone was alerted that it was his birthday on the right side of their Facebook page, he shrugged and said ‘I know that, but it still feels GREAT!’ Michael is demonstrating an interesting phenomenon that appears to have amazingly strong power: The power of ‘Like.’”

What’s more, a host of recent studies find that the Facebook site causes some people to become depressed. One study gives the thumbs down to the ubiquitous “Like” button. Research by the American Academy of Pediatrics last year found that children and teenagers can develop “Facebook Depression” when poring over positive status updates and pictures of happy friends. A Utah Valley University study similarly found that the more social networkers scoured friends’ profiles, the more they believed others led more successful and better lives.

ABC News’ Matthew Rosenbaum and Ned Potter Report that “There are plenty of reasons to feel down in today’s fast-paced, hectic world and you wouldn’t think that the world’s most popular social networking site would be one of them. But that’s exactly what a new study at Utah Valley University has found.”

According to the study, Facebook is making us sad. Why? It’s all about the kinds of pictures people post on their pages. Facebook photos generally depict smiling, cheerful people having good times, conveying a sense of happiness. Of course everyone likes to smile for the camera, so that good cheer may be inflated or false. As others view the photos, they may believe this conveyed sense of intense happiness is real, making them think that their friends are much happier than they are.

So essentially Facebook is making people unhappy because, rather than the lofty potential of uniting people through dialog the exchange of thought – a marketplace of ideas, it serves to foster an online popularity contest; a form of competition and one-upmanship.

Rosen asserts that people who “Like” friends’ updates and pictures may do so in the hope that the favor is returned. One subject told Rosen: “When I post something I keep checking in to see how people are reacting. If I get my usual five to ten comments I feel okay, but when I get thirty or more ‘Likes’ I feel super-good.”

The Need For Self-Validation

So, what are we to make of all this newly discovered Cyber, or social media psychology? Has it revealed some true novel dark-side in man? Is there something to be embarrassed about as a result of our seemingly egoistic desire to be liked on Facebook or otherwise? The answer is not at all; at least not according to Judaism. The need for recognition is simply a part of our human nature; the way we were built and designed to operate.

We are all created with a need to be needed and liked and there is no sin in that. There is nothing shameful or amiss in wanting to be recognized or loved. There is certainly no crime in seeking acknowledgment for our worthy efforts, ideas and accomplishments. There is clearly a difference, albeit a fine one perhaps, between the latter and what we call vanity.

Vanity seems to be connected with a feeling of arrogance and being better than others, versus the feeling of accomplishment and self-fulfillment. In fact, according to Kabbalah and Chassidus, the human need for self-realization, fulfillment and acceptance stems from the Creator Himself in whose image man is fashioned.

Chassidus explains that the highest revelation of man’s essential core is “Tanug” – his awareness of a deep potential for meaningful fulfillment and its accompanying satisfaction, as well as its handmaiden “Ratzon” – the driving will to bring the Tanug into fruition. Both these primary human traits require acceptance and acknowledgement from fellow human-beings. They are what motivate and drive man to act and accomplish.

Chassidus further asserts that this corporeal human process, is a direct reflection of the primordial Divine order of creation. This is to say that what brought our world into being and continues to maintain its existence, is the Divine attributes of Tanug and Ratzon.

Simply put: It is G-d’s desire, as it were, to realize His potential as a King, Father, Master, Benefactor etc., that wills this somatic world into being, for there can exist no unrealized potential within the Almighty. Hence Kabbalah and Chassidus do not shy away from describing G-d’s creation of the universe as “A means of making His existence known” and similar unintuitive anthropomorphic ideas. From there stems man’s innate desire for self-fulfillment and recognition as well.

In the above light the social media outlets would seem to serve as a perfect instrument for the fulfillment of man’s intrinsic need for the above mentioned recognition. Why then do the Cyber annalists talk of the negative effects, including feelings of rejection, discouragement and even depression?

I personally suspect that we have just begun to scrape the surface of the complex human psychology behind social media. It appears that the simple act of pressing the like button, is not all that simple. It seems like while everyone wants to be liked and acknowledged we are not quite as willing to share acknowledgement and love.

I believe that in a moment of truth, we would have to admit that we are far too calculating as to when we use, or don’t use, that powerful “Like” tool that lies at the very tip of our finger; which can so easily bestow self-worth and validation upon some worthy soul. Much the same way that we mince opportunities to share well deserved sentiments of gratitude and compliment.

As for a marketplace of ideas? People for the most part, tend to be talking “At” each other rather than “To” each other. The vast majority of posts seem to be pushing or pedaling some product or idea. The poster is in total output mode, with no interest or desire for input.

I’m already well familiar with the routine. Within a matter of hours, or sometimes minutes, of accepting a friend request, comes the invitation to like this or that page, or an invitation to a public event, you can count on it. You never hear from these friends again until their next request. Often they entirely ignore your posts or page-like requests.

Considering how parched the human spirit is for an ounce of recognition and a drib of approval and allowing for how easy it is for us to fill the void, one has to wonder why we are so spearing with a compliment or a good word. There is clearly something psychologically amiss here.

Perhaps because we find it so difficult to scrape together the attention and recognition for which we ourselves ache, that we are so parsimonious with it when it comes to others. I don’t claim to understand the psychology behind this mystery, but I do recognize the syndrome and it seems to be a very deep and revealing phenomenon.

While there may not be a specific Mitzvah in the Torah requiring us to say thank you and to show gratitude when in order, it is certainly part of the Mitzvah of Ahavas Yisrael and Tzedakah, not to mention the spirit of the Torah which is entirely in sync with this human courtesy. Of all places this important quality is underscored in our very Parsha, Pinchas.

Almost lost among the highly charged discussions regarding Pinchas’ daring vigilantism and all its legal, moral and practical implications, is the simple idea of recognition and gratitude. In this case offered up by the Almighty Himself to Pinchas.

At the end of last week’s Parsha, following G-d’s instruction to eliminate the Israelite men who were led astray by the Moabite women, we read about an Israelite Prince from the tribe of Shimon, by the name of Zimri, who acted in a particularly egregious and immoral manner.

Claiming that since Moshe was allowed to marry the daughter of the Priest of Midian, he too ought to be allowed a Midianite woman, he proceeded to consort with a Midianite woman named Cozbi in the Tent of Meeting in defiance of the express Heavenly order.

By bringing the Midianite woman into the camp “Before the eyes of Moshe and before the eyes of all the congregation of the children of Israel,” Zimri publicly flouted Moshe’s authority, hoping thereby to unlock the floodgates of illicit relations. He aimed to abolish the Divine barrier between the holy and the mundane.

While the humble Moshe stood amidst the entire leadership in a state of shock and consternation over the public scandal, a young unassuming Pinchas swung into action, confidently ending the lives of the Prince and the Midianite woman at the very entranceway to the Tent of Meeting.

In the opening of our Parsha the Almighty acknowledges Pinchas’ righteousness and pays him the highest of compliments: “The Lord Spoke to Moshe, saying, Pinchas, son of Elazar, son of Aharon the priest has turned back my wrath from the Israelites by displaying his zealousness for me, so that I did not wipe out the Israelite people in my zealousness. Say, therefore, I grant him my covenant of Shalom. It shall be for him and his descendants after him a covenant of priesthood for all time, because he took impassioned action for his G-d, thus making expiation for the Israelites,” Numbers 25:10-13.

There are not many stories in the Torah where G-d is portrayed as paying homage to an individual or even a group for their worthy actions. Curiously we don’t find this type of conduct with the patriarchs or matriarchs, not even with regards to Moshe and Aharon. In fact, offhand I can only think of one other case in the Torah where G-d pays tribute to an individual as a means of gratitude for his commendable actions. (I’ll leave it for the reader to guess who it was. You can share it in the comments.)

Be that as it may, if the Almighty G-d can find it important enough to make the effort to acknowledge and reward a man of flesh-and-blood for his effort and have it recorded in the Torah for posterity, how much the more so, should it not be below us to find the kindness in our hearts to do the same, especially when often all it takes is the push of a button.

May we take the lessons of our Parsha to heart and realize the power of a good word and use it generously (this is not to say, falsely). In the most simple of terms, don’t be a snob and press the ‘Like’ button. By our sharing our gratitude and likes, we will make the world a more pleasant and better place and bring about G-d’s reciprocation in which He will share His appreciation and love for His creations with the ultimate kindness and reward, the coming of the righteous Moshiach BBA.