Start With Your Own Brother – Live and Let Live

Chapter 13 of Genesis, this week’s portion, describes Abraham’s disengagement from his nephew Lot. The background to this development is clear. Both Abraham and Lot have become quite wealthy, their flocks have become numerous; the grazing lands are no longer large enough to meet their needs. Disputes brake out between the shepherds of Abraham and Lot.

So Abraham tells Lot (1): “Let there be no arguments between the two of us or between our shepherds, because, after all, we are brothers.” Abraham suggests that they part ways. “If you go left then I will go right, and if you go right then I will go left.” Immediately agreeing to Abraham’s proposal, Lot chooses the Jordan plain and Abraham settles in the Land of Canaan. They separate.

The story seems straightforward. Yet sensitive, as always, to subtle nuances in the biblical narrative, our sages exposed another dimension to the story.

Following the story of the disengagement, the Torah continues the narrative (1): “And G-d spoke to Abraham after Lot parted from him…” It is clearly a new sentence, yet the Torah inserts the word “and,” “And G-d spoke to Abraham,” indicating a sequence. G-d, The Midrash suggests (3), had spoke also about the separation between uncle Abraham and his nephew Lot.

What did G-d say about this? The Midrash cites two perspectives. Rabbi Nechmyah believes that G-d approved. Abraham, who was childless at the time, erroneously saw in Lot his hair, both materially and spiritually. This was a position Lot could not live up too, and the separation was thus productive.

However, Rabbi Judah presents an opposing view. G-d was profoundly critical of Abraham’s decision to part ways with Lot. “Anger was directed towards our patriarch Abraham when Lot, his nephew, left him. G-d said: ‘He befriends everyone, he cleaves to everybody, but he cleaves not to Lot — his own brother! (3)”

The Disappointment

This is a sharp critique. Abraham was the biblical paradigm of love and kindness; a heart open to people of all background and walks of life, ready to embrace them with a glowing heart and a delicious meal, opening vistas to their spiritual yearnings and aching souls. Abraham was the first human being to reach out beyond his own community of faith, turning Monotheism from an inner- circle tradition to a world phenomenon. Wandering Arab Bedouins felt comfortable in Abraham’s presence as did men of great scholarship and prestige.

Yet when it came to family, the rules were altered. “He cleaves to everyone,” G-d laments, “but he cleaves not to Lot — his own brother.” With his own nephew, he somehow cannot find the right approach and appropriate words to maintain the loving connection.

Let us not be swift to judge Abraham. Lot was a deeply troubled soul. He most certainly experienced a love-hate relationship with Abraham. Abraham raised him and nurtured him, yet Lot was aware that his own father, Haran, was killed because of his support for Abraham. In Lot’s eyes, Abraham was indirectly responsible for his misery and yet Lot needed Abraham for his survival. This creates a quite complicated family dynamic. Perhaps Abraham felt that at this point Lot desperately needed to make it on his own, to establish his independence and deal with his skeletons – away from the powerful presence of Abraham.

More ideas have been suggested by the biblical commentators as to the value of the disengagement. But G-d was still upset! You know how to embrace the entire world, could you really not find a way to embrace your own kin? You know how to invoke the name of a healing G-d in the hearts of strangers; can’t you generate healing in the heart of your brother?

The excuses may have been valid; the situation was indeed difficult. But G-d could still not tolerate the very dichotomy: How can you attract the entire world, yet alienate your own brother?

A Hero to Your Children

We often encounter people who are kind, gracious, and non-judgmental – as long as they are dealing with strangers. Yet within their family, there is strife, animosity and deception. They can embrace the most remote stranger, but with their own brother they are often not on speaking terms…

Throughout history, some of the most legendary figures were revered by millions, yet loathed by their own children. Albert Einstein was coined by TIME magazine as Man of the Century, yet his children saw him as a man who betrayed them. Theodor Herzl transformed the landscape of Jewish history, but could not inspire his own children to embrace his legacy. Ludwig Beethoven rocked the world with his 9th symphony, but his own family front was bitter and ugly.

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper,” Nietzsche said. His own family history was indicative of this. The man considered to be the greatest philosopher of modern times, at some point was loathed by most of his friends. The fact remains that it is often easier to capture the attention of the masses, than the heart of your children. You can be a celebrity to millions, but a menace to those who should cherish you most.

The Rabbis in the Midrash were sensitive to the truth of Judaism, that G-d is intolerant of a universal soul who has not the time and patience to cultivate loving and genuine relationships within his or her own family. Before you embrace a stranger, make sure you learn how to embrace your own brother; before you save the world, make sure you save your marriage. Before you rise up to give a brilliant presentation to the 300 employees in your company, make sure you are on speaking terms with your parents and siblings.

The dichotomy G-d was lamenting can be seen in another area as well. Today there are movements within Judaism that are extraordinarily successful in reaching out to unaffiliated Jews and opening windows to their souls; yet some of their own youths are leaving them. We sometimes know how to reach out to the masses but not how to reach in to our own children.

“He befriends everyone, but he cleaves not to his own brother!” How is it that sometimes we know how to be there for everybody else, besides our own?

Abraham, at the end, internalized G-d’s critique. When his nephew was in danger, he risked his life to save his. At a moment of danger, Abraham was there for Lot like nobody else would be. The truly great heroes are those who are first heroes within their own families.

Footnotes:
1) Genesis 13:8-9.
2) Ibid. 13:14.
3) Midrash Rabah Bereishis 41:8. Cf. commentators to the midrash ibid.