Satire: New Advice Column, by Ben Chochom

The following is the first in column series featuring Ben Chochom, who will be giving slightly less than sage advice to anyone who asks a question he may not know the answer to.

Dear Ben,

I am excited to write the first question for your column, and I am so eager to know: how did you become so wise to know the answers to all the questions people ask you?

Sincerely,

Aspiring Chochom

Dear Aspiring,

First of all, I want to commend you for being courageous, and making yourself vulnerable by asking the first question for my column (the prize I offered you wasn’t really that great). It is obvious from your letter that you are an astute individual, and, reading between the lines, I sense that you have many aspirations.

Since you asked an honest question, I will give you an honest answer.

You probably noticed that my name is Ben Chochom. This is because I myself am not so wise, and I don’t really know all that much. But my father is very smart, and I ride his coattails, since people assume that since I have the same last name, I am wise as well, and I play along.

It was difficult at first, but I have found that as long as I say something with a straight face, people will believe me. Also, when I was a Bochur in Yeshiva I listened to some recordings from esteemed rabbis like Manis Friedman, YY Jacobson and Shais Taub, and figured that if they could do it, so could I. In fact, I often just repeat just repeat stuff that I think I may have heard from them.

Finally, AI is also very helpful in formulating canned responses, and I pay an editor to edit it a bit.

I hope this answers your question, and will give others the confidence to follow your lead and write to me to solve real problems in their life. Because if you are smart enough to write to me, I am sure I have the answer.

Sincerely,

Ben

Ben Chochom is a know-it-all who has been around the block a few times. He admits to being more opinionated than knowledgeable, and is ready to answer any question on any subject, as long as you don’t take him too seriously.

Have a question you would like answered? Put it in the comments below and you might take center stage in future installments in this series.