SATIRE: HAIRkaras HaTov Event

by R. L.

On a brisk evening in the bustling Brooklyn neighborhood of Crown Heights, where black hair tumbleweeds are known to gently blow down the streets, a remarkable event took place in the Oholei Torah ballroom. Crown Heights, statistically boasting the highest concentration of hair per capita, teems with bearded men, wigged women, a vibrant population of weave enthusiasts and the salons that cater to them, served as the perfect backdrop for this year’s first annual HAIRkaras Hatov event.

Modeled on tribute events between organ donors and their recipients, this heartwarming gathering brought together international donors of sheitel hair with their consumers, fostering connections, expressions of gratitude, and hopefully, for some, the reservation of the next 26 inches of hair.

The event opened in a lively cocktail party style, with an MC guiding the evening’s program. The elegant space was a study in contrasts, women in long, lustrous wigs were gathered on one side, while on the other, women of various ethnicities in shorter hair and more casual attire mingled. Each attendee wore a number, and were directed to consult a chart to find their donor/recipient match. As pairs began to form, a sense of excitement, anticipation and perhaps more than just a hint of awkwardness filled the air.

One such pair was Mira, a Crown Heights native in her late twenties, stylishly adorned with a long bouncy, blond sheitel, and Lyubov, a woman of indeterminate age with close-cropped dark hair. Mira learned that Lyubov recently found herself in the US as a refugee from war-torn Ukraine. Reeling from this bombshell, Mira furiously texted her sheitel macher, who had assured her that her sheitel’s hair was sourced from Western, not Eastern Europe, while she attempted to express her heartfelt gratitude for Lyubov’s sacrifice. Later in their conversation, Mira asked how Lyubov had used the funds she had earned from the creation of the $5,000 wig Mira wore. Lyubov explained that selling her hair had enabled her to purchase a week’s worth of wholesome meals for her family, as well as a much treasured plastic hair comb with five sturdy teeth intact.

In a moment that she later reflects must have been Divine inspiration, a wild thought occurred to Mira…here was an able bodied, generous, follically-gifted woman who found herself in dire circumstances. Perhaps in addition to the healthy, radiant locks she grew, Lyubov also possessed the grit and stamina to thoroughly clean a three bedroom apartment on a regular basis, and could really go the extra mile before Pesach! Then and there, Mira, with the help of Google translate, worked out the rough outline of an arrangement that would change hers and Lyubov’s life for the better.

As the night unfolded, stories of sacrifice, whispers of exotic temples in India, and glimmers of human connection (but definitely not exploitation), filled the room, making HAIRkaras Hatov an inspiring homage to the symbiotic relationship between those who observe the beautiful mitzvah of kisui rosh and those who make their financial split ends meet by the very bounty of their scalps.

Not only was the roof raised with this event, but nary a single strand of hair was exposed to the rafters. Well, for sure not more than a tefach.