SATIRE: A Purim Shidduch, The Stressful Search For an “Apartment”

Sensitive words were bleeped out due to the sensitivity of this sensitive matter. May every single girl find her rightful “apartment”.

I’m a little stressed out, ok? OK! I don’t need to explaaain why I’m stressed but whatever, ok. No, wait. Being single isn’t so bad, even though most girls in my class aren’t, but … I’m just looking for an apartment. Hello just because I’m already BEEEEP years old and I’m a girl, whatever it doesn’t mean I should have already found my own apartment. Not every girl gets her own apartment right after she graduates, and we always judge women if they get older and don’t have apartments yet but hello whatever ok.

PLEASE! I don’t wanna hear about any stupid ideas already again. Every single one of my uncles suggest that stupid basement on Malbone Street. Yes. Only weirdos live there and it’s a basement plus it’s on Malbone Street. Whatever, I don’t wanna hear that suggestion ever again. No!

No! I want a regular standard looking apartment, not too old not to young and should be build updated, but can also plug in older technology. I don’t want any of the brand new buildings because they don’t have the same like feel and I was brought up in an original Crown Heights Building. OH MY GOD no waaaay! I’ll never even consider an apartment in another neighborhood. Are you crazy?! Only a girl from my class who had a coma, a stroke, a heart attack, was blind deaf and dumb and had bad credit lives
in another neighborhood apartment.. She wasn’t even planning on going to see it, but by mistake she saw it so the parents met and she signed a lease no, nope, I’m not interested.

Ok. That apartment. They said yes? WHAT IS IT??? Tell me. It’s a central location, but is it in the building or near that building – just give me the address! First floor, second floor, what does it overlook? What did it do since it was build. Can it reliable?? Are the appliances smart or some dumb boring place with no coffee maker. I told you I don’t care about central air. 4th floor? Sounds really sad – no wonder no-one wants it! Only my friend BatChavda who hello! wasn’t Jewish, worked for Hitler, didn’t have a head, and made a lot of trouble in school – she would wanna live on the 4th floor. Ok ok! Fine. Fiiiine I’ll apply. But just ask if it’s available don’t make it sound like I’m dying to live there.

I realized that most realtors just want everyone to sign a least and don’t care how it is to live in such an apartment. That’s why when misses Sugar set up my friend with an apartment on Eastern Parkway the lease was broken before she even moved in ok? That’s why! They want my credit history??? Are they crazy????? The fact that my family would even consider applying for such a building they should be
dancing with joy that I’ll even consider living there. Oh they ask that from everyone. Whatever that building thinks it’s so original Crown Heights but the truth is most of the bricks came from Flatbush; people don’t know that. STOP BRING UP MALBONE STREET AGAIN.

So who is gonna send in the application? Tatty says that if he sends our uncle Meshulum Mendel they may not like it because the management of that building had an issue with his brother-in-law’s father because they said no to an application in the 70s because they were newcomers. No, don’t send Shia RuberHectZarchiFeld because she applies with every person so why should they listen to her dafkeh. Ok yeah send our aunt Raitzy she’s cool, but lives in the neighborhood and besides her husband’s friend’s father goes to the same minyan as the management company’s other tenants uncles brother from his wife’s side so it will seem like a friend is asking and not an official ask.

Raitzy applied? When? How? Where?! Did they respond?? Y’know all the families that have money and also if we didn’t have an cousin named BEEEEP then we would already have signed a lease years ago.

(If anybody is triggered by this call 1800.Chaim.Dolphin extension 1993 and leave a longer voicemail)