The Question That Could Save Your Marriage

by Rabbi Josh Zebberman

The right question—at the right time—can be the difference between, G-d forbid, breaking a marriage or saving one.

Why? Because every question, no matter how small, forces us to think. And where the mind goes, the heart often follows.

Chassidus explains that since we are inherently connected with our Creator, on some level our speech has a creative ability (see Likkutei Sichos vol 27, pg 160). What we say doesn’t just portray reality but can create it. 

Let’s say I know you’ve had a rough day. If I ask, “How was your day?” I may think I’m being empathetic. But what I’m actually doing is inviting you to relive the frustration, sadness, and pain you’ve just experienced. I’m forcing you to reflect on everything that went wrong. We know from the Reishis Chochma that talking about negative experiences at the time of an emotional whirlwind can exacerbate the experience (See Sefer maamarim Rana”t pg 7 – how the use of language triggers desire and feelings).

Now imagine instead I say, “I know your day was hard. What was something that still felt okay?” Or maybe: “What is one thing you did to try and make the most of it or to survive it?”

Those questions don’t ignore the hardship. They honor it. They also gently guide the mind toward strength, resilience, and meaning. When you answer a question like that, your brain remembers the struggle, but also the part of you that didn’t give up. And suddenly, you’re given a choice: Which version of your day do you want to relive? The one that broke you, or the one where you showed up anyway?

This principle is even more powerful in marriage counseling.

When a couple walks into my office and I ask, “So what brings you here?” a commonplace question in the mental health world, I’m often triggering a flood of negativity. That question might seem harmless, but it invites the couple to ruminate on their pain, their blame, their disappointment. And as any counselor, coach, or rabbi will tell you, it doesn’t take long before that turns into a live argument right there in the room.

Instead, I start with something like: “How did you two meet? I bet there’s a story.”

Immediately, even the most frustrated couple will share a smile – because that is a much more pleasant story than what compelled them to call me. They start to remember a more desirable version of the relationship. That version of them, the one that was more interested, more excited, more hopeful, starts to return. And now I have something real and beautiful to work with.

From there, I ask questions like:

• What did you like most about your spouse when you met?
  
• How did you know they were the one?
  
• When did you first realize this was going to last?
  

Each question brings them closer to the parts of their relationship that worked, and still can. I’ll often follow up with: “If that beautiful quality you saw in your marriage showed up again tomorrow despite your current frustration, how would you notice it? What would your spouse do differently? What would you do differently?”

These aren’t questions designed to diagnose problems. They’re designed to unlock possibility. To create space for the version of their marriage they want to believe in again.

This is the power of a well-timed and crafted question.

This approach parallels the Rebbe’s view, sur mera by means of veasi tov – addressing issues by (respectfully) replacing them with possibilities (see Sefer Hasichos 1998 pg 419 & 428, and Lekkutei Sichos vol 27 pg 166). Research shows that when done effectively, it does not just sweep the issue under the rug but it actually has a healing effect. (This is a common theme throughout the Rebbe’s Igros Kodesh as well; Hesach Haddas – diverting attention from issues to a deeper version of the person).

Let me give you some real examples. Shimon (*name changed to protect confidentiality) reached out because he was struggling with a deep lack of self confidence and it was affecting his marital and social life. He complained to me “how can I get his wife to respect me if I don’t respect myself!?”

Rather than trying to assess why Shimon struggled to believe in himself and what the root of the issue was, I knew that he wanted self respect and confidence. And because he told me he wanted it, I was comfortable believing that he had it on some level and has the potential to reclaim it.

So I asked him, “With all of your self doubt and how that impacts your relationships, what do you respect most about yourself”? I think I caught him off guard, he wasn’t expecting me to believe in him. But his answer was priceless. As he went into a detailed description of what he does respect about himself, his body and soul were neurologically, chemically,and spiritually responding. He then realised that although he had reason for self doubt, he also had reasons for self respect and could choose what to focus on. 

A couple that I was working with felt like they were going through a relationship storm. They had done certain things that betrayed trust and they weren’t sure how they were going to get back on track.

At the start of a follow up session, I immediately asked “so what’s been better?” This was an attempt to help them shift from thinking about what wasn’t yet fixed to the parts of the marriage that had developed positively.

After the wife described some minor changes she’d noticed, the husband’s answer was disappointing. “Nothing”, he said. I immediately shot back, “How did you prevent things from getting worse?”

This was another attempt to respectfully shift his thinking from what wasn’t working to what was, with the power of language. I think it caught him off guard too. He responded with a rich description of what he’d done over the past week to try to invest in the relationship. Listening to himself describe his care, his wife listening to him describe his effort, portrayed a different reality. Language can shape reality and can have a powerful healing effect.

Even if you’re not sitting with me in a counseling session, or your marriage is not in crisis mode you can still shift your questioning. Ask:

• What do I like most about my spouse, even at times of frustration?
  
• Why did I marry him/her?
  
• If I looked for that quality today, what would be the first sign that it showed up? How would I react if I did a better job noticing it?
  
• What does my spouse respect most about me, and if that showed up tomorrow, how would they notice it?
  

Questions like these invite respectful, grounded positivity into your life. They don’t ignore the pain. They simply give you a different lens to see it through.

And sometimes, that shift is all it takes to begin healing.

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Rabbi Josh Zebberman is a marriage counselor, speaker, and educator who blends Torah wisdom with Solution Focused Brief Therapy. He helps couples strengthen their connection and rediscover hope and healing. He holds a masters degree in marriage and family therapy and is trained by the Solution Focused Universe. Rabbi Josh Zebberman is available for virtual counseling sessions and in person Shalom Bayis workshops. RabbiJoshZebberman.com.