From The Inbox: Dear Shadchan, Frustrated While Grateful
Dear Shadchan,
Thank you for taking my calls, responding to my voice and text messages, and spending hours on the phone with me, my son, prospective Shidduchim, and their parents. I know your time is precious (which is why I try to keep our conversations brief and to the point), you have a life, and the few dollars I send you now and then are just a few dollars. Thank you also for the encouragement, the words of Chizuk, reminding me that the Shidduch will happen, my son will find the right one at the right time. I know you want the Shidduch to happen, for their sake, or for your sake, if not for mine.
I was touched when, after not being in touch for a while, you reached out to me with a suggestion. And then, when I saw what you sent me, I was dumfounded, as I tried to understand. This girls seems like a nice girl. Yet, I have to ask. After all the conversations we’ve had, you and I, you and my son, both ideal and practical, and learning from experience… what exactly is it about this girl’s age, current occupation, personality, or goals in life that is in any way anything my son is looking for? Why did you send me this name? How do I get you to work on my behalf like you apparently are working on theirs?
Again, I appreciate all you do, and what you have invested and done for us. Yet, suggestions like these leave me completely baffled, and wondering… What are you thinking?
Gamzu latova— all kinds of reasons
Names have to be redt. It’s hoshgoach pratis. I’m not a shadchanit and I will not put in all that time to start to understand and help people like shadchans do, but I’ve thought of ideas for people I don’t know too well and asked shadchanits to redt, (keeping me out of it) as per the “suggest a shidduch” initiative, which overall has been extremely helpful. Maybe something like that happened.
A shadchan
I recently redt a completely inappropriate shidduch. The girl was 6 years older than the boy. I messed up. I am human. Mom of the girl was excited to get a suggestion and was disappointed when I came up with the idea. I get it. I apologized. The age completely slipped my mind. Mom understood me. We can make mistakes too.. thanks for understanding that we are human!
Sometimes not mistake: good match
Also: There are some matches where the girl is older. If a year older, it’s happened many times and they’re beautiful matches. I also know where the girl was five or six years older and once ten years older. Lovely families, BH! I understood the Rebbe said ten years maximum age difference in either direction. The girl can be older, as in the Rebbe and Rebbetzin!
Sara
Where did The Rebbe say 10 year maximum age difference?
I was told up to 8 years.
Can someone verify?
Shadchans? Others who keep track of things like this? Please chime in. I was told after the war ten years was maximum age difference in either direction, as a general guideline. Maybe individuals were told something else. Subsequently I’ve heard a few anecdotes over the years about matches that referred to the ten year maximum age difference. Can anyone clarify this?
Frustrated bachur
I’ve been on the shidduch scene for the past six years. Every time I spoke to a shadchan I was very clear with that I was looking for.
Whenever I get a suggestion it’s completely off from what I spoke to the shadchan about.
What is the point of meeting the shadchan and telling her what I’m looking for if her notes are completely disregarded anyway.
Shadchan
Get off your high horse. Thank the shadchan for her time and say that it’s not for you. And hope that the next time she takes time out of her busy schedule to suggest something it is the right thing. Don’t make it difficult for shaddchanim or anyone who’s giving your child a moments thought to call you with an idea. Because it’s ALWAYS easier NOT to suggest anything.
Agreed
The original article was both frustrated and grateful. The bochur is only frustrated as though the waitresses are ALWAYS mixing up his menu order. He needs to develop resilience during what is, admittedly, a challenging process. When we put Hashem at the center, we can acknowledge disappointment, but not react with blame and anger, but rather good attitudes that show more readiness to marry.