Posted to Op-Ed on

Op-Ed: Finding It in Me to Forgive G-d

by Anonymous

During a recent telephone conversation, a friend of mine asked me whether I had caught the “Elul disease”. When I asked him what he meant by “the Elul disease” was, he explained that he was asking whether I had become caught up in the frenzy of reflection, regret, repentance, prayer and “stockpiling” of last-minute good deeds in advance of the looming days of judgment and awe, when our fate for the coming year will be decided.

I told him that I have the disease of not even knowing or caring that it was Elul. “Can I have some of that disease?” he asked jokingly. “Here I am all afraid and panicky and you’re completely empathetic.”

After that conversation, I began to think more seriously about the previous year, and about what Elul, repentance and judgment really meant to me. I thought about all of my experiences during the last year – the good, the bad and the neutral. And what I realized was that my year consisted of a lot of really bad experiences involving myself and people close to me. The past year included tremendous pain, suffering, sorrow, loss and death for me and other fellow Jews.

My year also involved a lot of sin and omission. There were many times when I did not keep Shabbos as well as I could have, and there were days that I did not put on tefillin or daven. If I were to tally up my sins, they would not add up to a pretty picture. But unlike the well-known story in Chassidic folklore of the chosid who tallied up his suffering throughout the year in one column, and his sins in another column, and called it even with G-d, I am not about to call it even. And here’s why:

I am human. I am weak. The Torah refers to me as a “wild, untamed beast” by nature. I am flawed. I am easily tempted by sin, and I find serving G-d to be a challenge. And G-d knows it. He made me this way. And He tempts and challenges me each moment of each day. And He knows I will fail many times; Jewish history shows it. My faults and shortcomings are innate, and G-d knows it because He is the one who gave me them. Sins are practically expected from me.

But G-d, on the other hand, is not human and is not weak or flawed. Nor is He innately cruel or unjust. G-d is referred to in His very own text – the Torah, Davvening and Tehilim – as “forgiving”. “loving”, “kind”,” a merciful father”, and “forgiving”, just to name a few. With titles and references like that, a lot more is expected from G-d. And pain, loss, suffering and hardship don’t jive well with the titles G-d gives to Himself or that we attribute to G-d. As a result, I expect more from G-d. I expect exactly what He Himself purports to be about: exclusively kindness, love, mercy and forgiveness.

But don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for all of the gifts that G-d has given me this past year: my life, my general health, my wife, my children and their health, my job, my home, etc. And although I by no means take those gifts for granted, they nevertheless fall under the “expectations” (and I use that term very loosely) of a self-proclaimed “loving, giving, and merciful” G-d. My problem is with all of the things that went wrong for myself and for other members of the Jewish people. Those painful events and tragedies are not befitting or expected of the G-d I was raised to serve.

I also believe that my relationship with G-d should not be reduced to thanking Him for the good things, believing that the bad things are for the best, praying that He not allow anything bad to happen to me or my loved ones, and begging Him to make the bad things better. G-d, at least to me, should not be merely a force that I need to constantly thank for anything good in my life, and implore that He keep bad things away from me. That’s not the G-d I was raised to believe in; that’s not the way I want to relate to and serve G-d. I want to relate to and serve G-d in the manner that the Torah teaches us: that G-d is a merciful, loving father, and that service of G-d should be out of love.

So now, as I approach the High Holy Days and reflect on the events of the past year, I can’t call it an even score like the chosid in the story. Yes, I sinned. Yes, I transgressed. Yes, I was imperfect. Yes, I was not as good as I could have been. But I’m human, and that’s expected of me because that’s how G-d made me. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does make it expected.

From G-d, on the other hand, I expect so much more. Not because I believe that G-d is my friend or that He owes me anything, but because the Torah itself tells me that He is a benevolent master and a merciful father. Yet, good people suffered and young, precious souls died slowly, painfully and cruelly this year. People lost their jobs. People lost their homes. Families were torn apart. G-d, without Whose permission nothing happens, allowed or caused suffering upon His people – the very people He chose from among all other nations and proclaims His love and affection for.

So who needs to forgive who? Does G-d need to forgive me for the very flaws He gave me? Or do I need to forgive G-d for failing to treat me and the rest of the Jewish people like the beloved children He Himself has called us? Do I need to forgive G-d for failing to live up to His own titles and identities?

So in the end I will go to shul on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. But, to be completely honest, I don’t feel like asking for G-d’s forgiveness – I’m human, I’m flawed, and I hope to be a better person this coming year.

I will go because I want to find it in me to forgive G-d. I will go because I want to find it within me to reconcile G-d’s mercy with the slow, painful death of young, innocent people. I will go because I want to find it in me to reconcile G-d’s love for the Jewish people with the pain His people suffered throughout this past year. I will go because I want to resolve how G-d could be called a giving, loving, benevolent and merciful father, yet allow His own children to endure personal tragedies, heartbreak and misfortunes.

This Elul, when the king is in the field, and this Tishrei, when I reaccept G-d as my king, I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive Him.

More importantly, I hope and pray that next year I don’t have to reconcile His benevolence, mercy and kindness with the facts and realities. I hope and pray that the events of the coming year are compatible with that of a merciful father who loves his children and of a benevolent G-d who chose and cherishes the Jewish people.

Related Articles

17 Comments

  • Kisva v-chasima tova

    I also hope that if you mess up in the future, you won’t make excuses (“I am weak; I am human”) & instead, will man up & say…I was wrong. It’s very easy to blame G-d: after all, He made me, so the flawed person I am is all His fault. Always avoiding responsibility, a trait too prevalent today.

    I think this has to be the most self-serving piece of drivel yet to be penned by Mr. Anonymous. Quite honestly, he doesn’t really have too much going for him: a wife & children who either accept his lack of commitment to Yiddishkeit (forget Chassidishkeit, let’s start off being FRUM!) or who are mortified by the fact that their “king” is merely the court jester. And does he accept his flaws as his responsibility? Not really. After all, G-d made him like this.

    It’s nice to know in Tishrei he will re-accept G-d as his King. I hope G-d re-accepts him, too.

  • i feel you

    I love the Rebbe’s chassidim nO matter they roam they always come back home. You went to Yeshivah, your arguments sound like you are pretty well educated. But consider this It is one thing to say you forgive G-d and express your feelings over the internet its another thing to actually forgive g-d. the only way to prove you do is by starting to improve yourself by following what G-d asks of you thats when you will know you have come to peace with G-d when you can fulfill mitzvos without asking for anything in return and just doing it because g-d said so.
    k’siva chasima tove

  • Shmully The Bull

    The callous and lashing out responses frighten and anger me. When did we become so far from our roots! What happened to loving our fellow brother. Does the compassion that we show to others, and the way we want the world and the media to portray us not hold true when one of our own is hurting!

  • Shana Tova

    You are backwards upside down inside out. A word of advice i would give to my friend; figure out who YOU are, figure out who HASHEM is. That is a good preparation in the time of Elul.

  • To No. 1

    I disagree with your calling this “self-serving” and “drivel”. Anonymous has articulated what many feel to varying degrees. This is the most fundamental issue for which we seek answers or seek to accept that there are no answers we can understand – Nameley if there is an all good, all powerful and benificient God, then why is there so much profound and prolonged suffering, including by good and innocent people? Free will doesn’t explain hurricanes, earthquakes and cancer and many other horrors. Saying it was supposed to be like in Gan Eden, but humans messed up is also not a satisfactory explanation. People asking these questions do no deserve to be pooh poohed and told to behave. That will just drive away those who yearn to be close. You don’t know what suffering Anonymous has experienced or seen. If this post was from a holocaust survivor would you call it drivel and self serving? Yet even those who were lucky enought to not experience the holocaust or some other extreme atrocity know about it and can have the same issues.

    I would like to see a more sensitive, thoughtful response to Anonymous. What would the Rebbe say to him?

  • Confused

    How do you get past the text that says, do not make your souls abhorrent.

    If one’s soul is abhorrent to Gd, how can Gd be Gd to you?

  • To #5

    So Mr. A chooses not to daven because he’s angry @ G-d? What else does he choose to disregard? Many people get upset @ G-d & blame Him for the rough times, but it’s not an excuse to check out of doing what’s right. We have G-d given commandments. Last time I looked, what G-d wants supersedes our childish foot stomping and saying “I am angry @ You, therefore I’m not going to do what You want.” Believe me, I have had a lot of pain in my life & life isn’t easy now. It would have been very easy for me to just say to G-d Your fault, Your problem, I’m doing what I want. It’s arrogance to think we can change things or make a difference by throwing in the towel. We know the way to make things better is to increase in what is right. Easy? Never in a million years, so we just keep hammering away. To decide to take things out on G-d is crazy. I hope Mr. A. feels better for writing this & can make a new start so to speak, if only to give his family some support & structure.

  • Here-s your sign...

    First off, Kesivah V’chasima Tovah. Your article was well articulated and while I cannot say I agree with your sentiments I could almost respect you as an individual if not for your decision to post this anonymously. There are several issues I have with your article and at least one suggestion as a possible answer.

    1) Why post anonymously? If you believe in G-d you obviously believe that G-d knows who you are and that you posted this article. So your decision to hide your identity is solely for the people that might read this. This means that you (a) either fear the human backlash more than the divine, in which case you really have very little respect for G-d’s power, or, (b) you know that G-d will still love you despite this post, in which case I do not understand what this whole post is really all about. Now in case the answer is (a) and you would answer what you repeated many times in your article, namely, that G-d is great and more is expected of him, read on…

    2) The act of challenging G-d’s decisions can itself be interpreted as a sign that you never fully accepted G-ds supreme ruler-ship. You see, a total acceptance of a greater power, by default, demands a complete subjugation to that power (at least on a philosophical level). And with that said, the questioning of that higher power is only possible when in fact the subject is not fully subdued. As such, I don’t understand why you feel you can “take G-d to task” with all of your complaints. Based on the above, did you ever really have a relationship with G-d? I know G-d had and has a relationship with you, but did you have one with him this year? And that brings us to…

    3) A relationship requires two parties. Each party has an obligation to the other, and in a relationship built on truth and love, those obligations are not mutually exclusive and would not be contingent on the other party. Each party would exclusively love the other unconditionally. So if, for example, you love your wife but she fails to provide a nice dinner one night (or whatever she brings to the relationship) that would not exempt you from your obligations to her. And if, the minute she failed on her obligations you reciprocated by neglecting your obligations, it would be safe to say there is a fundamental preexisting problem of which your actions are only a symptom. So, if you are using what you perceive as G-ds failings to measure up your own performance, one must assume there was some fundamental relationship issue between you and G-d in the first place. All this being said, I think you should ask not whether you will forgive G-d. Unfortunately, you forget that you are a mere mortal and while you refer to your mortality in relation to your failings, you do not give it enough credence in gauging your ability to truly hold G-d accountable for anything. I believe your true objective should be to try and identify the explanation of your experiences. The hows and whys. And this leads us to the (possible?) answer… CHECK YOUR GLASSES.

    Wha? Did he just say check your glasses? Why yes sir, yes he did. What am I on about? You raise many fine issues and very good questions but there is a major component of your entire experience that you have totally neglected to investigate – your own perception. As human beings we have limitations. We are limited to experiencing the here and now, which often prevents us from seeing the bigger picture. G-d on the other hand sees and knows it all. So, if I were to call and tell you that something that happened is bad, but G-d were to call you right after I hung up and tell you that that same thing is good, who would you believe? Assuming the answer is G-d, my question to you is, why do you believe your own perceptions over what G-d is telling you? G-d tells us that everything that happens is for the best and it ultimately comes from a good place. We only need to adjust our glasses so that we see it as good – a task that is probably one of the hardest challenges we experience on this world both as Jews, and as humans. Now, in no way am I justifying the hardships you experienced this past year. It is always easy to preach from the sidelines, and that is not my intention here. I am sorry you experienced what you have and wish for you that things get and stay better from here on in. It is because I wish you the best that I humbly suggest you rethink your relationship with G-d. Rethink your tactics. Try and explore new ways of attempting to understand the experiences in your life that you find challenging. And lastly, this year, as you sit in shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur try and consider how G-d must feel about the way you feel about him. Believe for just one second that he really does love you like a father loves his son and think about how horrible he probably feels about your sadness and disappointment. It’s not easy being human, imagine how hard it must be to be G-d.
    Happy journey :)

  • Gut Gbenched Yur

    #Shmully the bull. You know this a debate not hate? You need minimum 2 opinions to do so. Calling out a friend when he articulates an obvious lack of emunah, that’s a favor I’m sure we would all appreciate.

    #5. Everyone seeks answers. We happen to be clued in on a well known secret passed down to us for many generations; The Torah, it is the book with all the answers. Given to our ancestors at Mount Sinai and passed down many generations now to us. This Torah was given to us by the creator of everything we know, see, hear and even our imagination. And it is well known that Hashem is Benevolent Compassionate Abounding in Kindness and bestows Justice, and it is well understood just how to be the recipients of all this: When we study Torah, and love Hashem with all our heart, soul and might, when we fulfill all his commandments and not follow our desire’s.
    Hashem is the Boss, that’s what Elul is all about. Us Jews want a raise next year so instead of going on strike let’s just make sure we deserve one and a big one!
    Kesiva Vchasima Tova!

  • Shaliach of the Rebbe

    Totally agree with number 3!!!
    And what’s more during Ellul????
    Hayitachen?

  • Be Careful

    This is a prime example of “Matiach Devarim Klappei Ma’aleh” and is very dangerous. The seeming evil that constantly befalls us is a result of Galus and the Tzimtzum that is spoken about at length in Shaar HaYichud V’haemunah. If you would stop justifying your sins and holding G-d accountable for things that that are supposedly expected of him as if you are his father and He your son you might view your lifes picture in a more positive light. While the results of Tzimtzum and Sheviras Hakeilim are things that will only be corrected in the era of Moshiach, for people that live purely righteous and humble livres there is a level of “Olamcha Tire’h b’chayecha” and while that may not be our ultimate goal or even within our abilities to attain we would be best off walking down that path. Much Hatzlacha and Bracha to you and yours always.

  • Author

    All of the apologists here are using what is called the Victim’s Syndrome – where even a rape victim may rationalize her own rape. I am not, G-d forbid suggesting that G-s is doing anything like that, but even the Rebbe himself said that we have aright to be angry with G-d about the Holocaust and about why Moshiah is still not here. Isn’t Ad Mosai shouting at G-d and admonishing Him for this exile?

    “Rachmana Liba Ba’i” – G-d wants sincerity. So here, I gave you my sincerity. I expressed my true, dep feelings and the G-d I know appreciates that.

    It is easy to justify and rationalize someone else’s hardships, and it is even possible to rationalize your own as many of you are doing as well!

  • #Author

    It is good to be sincere but especially after that comment it is quite obvious you need to get a grip on reality. You are displaying a symptom of “know it all”. Seriously dude WE LOVE YOU! Kasiva Vchasima Tova!

  • total kefira

    should not be alowed on a frum website.

    indeed, god wants sincerity; sincere worship. not abusing the depths of chassidus for self expression.

    and by the way, chassidus does not stand for self expression of the nefesh habehamis, it encorugaes the nefesh elokis to overcome her, and to block her expression…

  • Forgiveness for breach of law or more???

    Interesting comments!!!

    I imagine Gd looks at this writer with a strong, loving, broken heart bubbling over with love…like a father gazing into the eyes of his broken, crying child too upset to let anyone into his/her moments of pain.

    I imagine the tears streaming down Gd’s face as He watches this writer continue on a path that will only bring more and more hurt and pain yet, He is unable to intervene knowing that everything He has already spoken has, and will, be rejected.

    I imagine Gd, in some ways like a Rabbi, hovering over his charges not waiting to catch them doing wrong but to see how they will respond so he can strengthen them in all areas to be all they were intended to be.

    I imagine Gd waiting with such deep longing in his heart by the front door for the day his broken, barren, dirty, hurting child/adult walks through the door to say dad, I’m home! I’m sorry. I love you! Can I be part of the family again?

    I imagine the dreams of that father’s heart as he hopes his child will come home so he can have one more chance to love on his child before he dies.

    I imagine a day when this father is able to say to his child, I know it was very, very hard for you but you are not the only one for whom I needed to care. I walked with you through it as best as you would allow me. While I do not promise you that the rest of your life will be wonderful, I do promise you that if you will walk in accord with my ways, I will care for you through it all.

    Should you choose to walk away, I still love you but I will be unable to provide the covering and blessings that will protect you and give you peace for the remainder of your days.

    Son/daughter, I will not force you to come home. The door is open when you are ready. Should you decide not to come home, I will still hover but will be unable to help you.

    Yes, you may feel like you need to forgive me. That is ok. I know you only see a part of the picture, and I understand. But now that you are older, you also understand that decisions sometimes have to be made for the best of all and that, because sin has marred the world, means someone generally gets the short end of the stick. I’m sorry you got the short end of the stick.

    Were it my way, the sin would never have happened I created man in the garden with the ability not to sin and without the knowledge of sin. Adam/Eve decided, like you, that I, and my ways, are not good enough and I didn’t have their best interest at heart….I don’t have your best interest at heart! To them, I hurt them by not giving them everything they thought they needed/wanted. I’ve obviously hurt you in the same way. I understand!

    The reality is, I only wanted the best for Adam and Eve. I only want the best for you. Sometimes, by circumstances, my hands are tied. As I have not forced you, I do not force others to do as I desire.

    I’m here when you want to talk! I’m here when you want to understand my ways. I’m here when you are ready to understand why you were hurt. I’m here should you decide to come home! I’m here when you are ready to heal.

    Please know though, my healing is nothing like what what you have been told by the world that healing will be!

    When you are ready, I’m here and I love you dearly!