Excuse me, but was that you talking? Do you wake up in the morning overwhelmed? Can’t fall asleep from worry? Do you finally get rid of one bill just to have it replaced by three? Do you dread the ringing phone? Have you at least on occasion not even bothered opening the mail because it is just too painful – and hopeless? Do you have so much month at the end of the money that home ownership sounds like a sick joke? Or did you (finally!) buy a home only to realize that you’re stuck with a bottomless-pit mortgage that feels like a deadly curse with a vague promise of sometime in the foggy future home-ownership?
Op-Ed: Tuition! Weddings! HEEEEEELLLLLLP!!!
Excuse me, but was that you talking? Do you wake up in the morning overwhelmed? Can’t fall asleep from worry? Do you finally get rid of one bill just to have it replaced by three? Do you dread the ringing phone? Have you at least on occasion not even bothered opening the mail because it is just too painful – and hopeless? Do you have so much month at the end of the money that home ownership sounds like a sick joke? Or did you (finally!) buy a home only to realize that you’re stuck with a bottomless-pit mortgage that feels like a deadly curse with a vague promise of sometime in the foggy future home-ownership?
Are you higioo mayim ad nofesh – have drowning waters engulfed you? If not, count yourself either very blessed or very out to lunch. Click your browser and don’t waste your time here. This information is meant for you, only if you are beyond desperate, only if you are fed up of being fed up.
So, so many have written on these pages of the deep pain and frustration of not being able to pay tuition. So many simchas – and the inevitable, yet healthy tensions inherent in marrying off a child – are devoured by ill-afforded astronomical, mind-splitting costs. How searingly painful to hear gifted, passionate men and women asserting their readiness to throw away their most treasured dreams because of this mind-numbing desperation that will not go away.
Furthermore, what some prefer remains unspoken but cannot be, is this: Most divorcing couples in America list money issues as the NUMBER ONE reason why they broke up. And even if frumme have much lower divorce rates (and daven they don’t get higher and daven again that they get lower) think of the agmus nefesh and heder shalom bayis for which this culprit of debt is responsible! And when there is a weakening of shalom bayis the inevitable collateral damage is . . .children, chinuch. . .you can’t even put a figure to the damage we are doing to ourselves.
And then there is shlichus. I HATE the sick, pathetic shliach joke “a bank holiday is a shliach’s holiday”! Is that where things are in your life? That the passion and dream of the Rebbe, that the energy and zest for moving the Jewish world from shock, apathy, atrophy and incognizance to lisaken olam bemalchus shin daled yud (oh, how hearing those words uttered by such holiness! How it is enough to move a stone off my heart!) that this is not able to propel the yungeman into action as much as a dreaded “I’m calling regarding a private financial matter, can I please speak to Rabbi. . . “ phone call can? Think how preoccupied you are with owing money that your head goes clear only when you are given 24 hour respite by your creditors! What has happened to your passion? It should now be obvious: It has been deluged by debt. That is sick and that is sad. How can you possibly be creative and energetic when the only thing keeping you going is a baitch (a whip)?
There is good news and bad news. The good news is that you can change things; the bad news is that YOU can change things – and no one else, no government program, no community body, no committees, no gvirim, just you and your spouse. The good news is you can get rid of every last stinking bill in your house. You can free yourself and NEVER get a collection’s letter or phone call again for as long as you live. You can wake up with needing LESS than what you already have. You can live free of agmus nefesh of gelt-zachen forevermore.
The bad news of course is that you will need to relearn how to do things; you will have to banish bad habits from your life. You will have to become responsible in ways you didn’t even realize you have been irresponsible. If you made half the stupid mistakes that I did for years, you will be humbled like never before. It will be a gut-wrenchingly tough experience that you can only do if you are so sick of the status quo that you are ready to throw out the garbage that has been collecting on your desk, in your closet and most of all, in your head.
So many of unzere menschen express bitter disappointment that those whom they thought would, could or should cure the problem have not. Many, many people in the world at large believe the government should cure the crisis. This is dangerous: only we the little guys can clear up this mess. And you know something? When we clean it up we will not be so small: and all those looming larger-than-life figures will look like comical paper tigers.
Truth is, we are not alone: like the saying goes, Jews are just like everyone else — only more so. The whole country is up to their eyeballs in debt with homeowners, corporations, cities, counties and states waking up and realizing they are broke. In Europe several countries are. Then of course, America has enough cash flow to be in deep denial, but the same thing is happening, all of the above spend more than they make. We of course, have tuition and simchas and frum neighborhoods cost more, lots more usually. So we are deeper in the hole, and therefore we are more overwhelmed. But we have the tools to turn this garbage around.
By the end of this article you will have enough info to start changing your life but good. But your job will not be over; you will just be beginning to get your act together and will need to continue. A disclaimer; I am not a licensed personal finance counselor; I don’t even know if there is such a thing. I just know that things were getting harder and harder to handle until bechasdei Hashem I was shown what I was doing wrong. I changed and things are better, much better. I am not raking in millions or living the high life; I am however no longer consumed with money issue. A bank holiday now means that we cannot make deposits at the teller, only at the ATM.
There is plenty of good info out there to become knowledgeable about your money: I am not really here for that. I am sharing what I know, to help ignite the fire in you: show you what you are doing wrong, get you angry at your stupidity, show you how things can become good and you will automatically be pumped to get out the mop and clean up your mess, throw out the garbage and put things in order. This change cannot come from the head, it comes from the guts.
First things first. Tell your spouse you read this article and ask, plead and beg them to do so also.
Second: make a list of EVERY PENNY you owe anyone, from a $3.49 residual bill from three years ago to the 20 grand you still owe on your car. If you have a mortgage, keep your mortgage separate from this list but nearby.
Third: Look at this mess! Do you want to add to this list? If you do, get to a doctor. If you don’t want to add to this list of aggravation, then you and your spouse must now resolve to never buy something without paying for it in full before you take it home. If you don’t resolve that now, then paying all the bills will mean nothing, you will just be changing names and amounts, spinning your wheels, ruining your blood pressure, etc., etc.
Fourth: arrange this list of bills from smallest amount to largest.
Fifth: Look at this list and see if you can knock off a few of the smallest ones right now! Then get rid of them. Do you feel lighter? Imagine what getting rid of ALL of them will feel like? Imagine the day when you will have crossed out every last bill except the last one, and now you write the check for the final last pennies! How does that feel? Better than the first few paragraphs? Come back to this feeling over the next few months as you slowly but surely knock these pests out of your life, one by one, smallest to largest.
Sixth: Repeat after me the two most vital words that will either kill your relationship with your money or (re)kindle your relationship with your money: Compound Interest.
It sounds complicated but it’s so simple it hurts. Let’s say Reuven borrows 100 bucks from (well not Shimon, because of ribis, but) Bank of America for 10% interest. At the end of one year, Reuven owes, not just the 100 bucks he borrowed but also the 10% interest: $110. Assuming he makes no payment and doesn’t borrow any more, at the end of two year he will owe . . . well, he still owes the hundred he borrowed and the ten dollars from the first year, plus he owes 10 bucks from year two (that’s $120 so far) PLUS he owes one dollar of interest on year one’s interest (10% of $10)! So his $100 now costs $121. The third year he will have another ten bucks ($131) plus two bucks interest on interest from year 1 & 2 ($133) PLUS one dime of interest on interest on interest ($131.10). It sounds like nothing, a dollar here a dime there, what’s the big deal when we are talking about 100 bucks?? But think how much this 100 bucks is costing Reuven over a decade!
That’s why Rashi explains the word neshech for interest is the same word for snake; two little bites at your ankle and in no time your head begins to swell.
I know, I know, you’re thinking so what’s the big deal, I can always go to a g’mach. Not so simple. First g’machs need to be paid back too. Secondly, life is all about habits, and borrowing money is a bad one. That is why the above scenario was illustrative for our purpose but not true to real life; in real life Reuven would need $150 in the second year, he would be a day late with a payment so his rate would have gone up from 10% to 36% (it really does that) and at some point he would have panicked and given FedEx $12 to get his check there on time – and let’s assume for now that the check does not bounce, okay?
Last week’s parsha just taught us the words with which we bentch each other every Motzei Shabbos, “and everyone will owe you money and you will owe no one.”
You see, if Reuven had invested one hundred dollars, it would have kept making him money on top of money. Assuming he invested it at the same rate he would have made $33.10 without even getting out of bed in the morning. Instead he lost that money, and combined with the loss of his potential income he has lost a total of $66.20! So before you spend money for anything know what it is costing you.
More importantly, if Reuven would not have spent that 100 he would have had menuchas hanefesh instead of a bill.
Recognize this (what Einstein is purported to have, but probably never, called the) most powerful force in the universe and think what your credit cards are doing to you. Oh, and by the way, many of them send you the bill on the 5th of the month and it needs to be paid by the tenth; if you are 30 minutes late in their system they charge you a $10 late fee and might even raise your loan rate from 12% to 24% or even 36%!! And they don’t even have to tell you!! It’s all in the fine, fine print on the back of the credit card application that you signed before they sent you that pretty piece of plastic.
Oh, and have you convinced yourself that you pay it off every month? Ha ha ha laughs the credit card company. They invested millions of dollars to verify, that come an impulse purchase, come r’l a loss of a job, Gz’u (that’s G-tt zol uphitin!) a machla, you will stop paying it off and your interest dollars will start rollin’ in! Remember Rashi called them a nachash, they are sly and they bite and they are poisonous.
Think about that, and do the unthinkable: take a pair of scissors from the drawer and cut your credit cards in half.
Sixth: you are on Kingston with some dead presidents in your pocket. It’s been a long day, you deserve some: sushi, ice cream sundae, nosh, hamburger. Your long-suffering spouse certainly does. Right then and there whip out your smartphone thingamajig (or pen and paper if you are over forty-five) and jot down what you are spending on these feel-goods. Add them up. See how far this is piling on that list of debts you put together. See how far these “little” treats are keeping you in debt – FOREVER! Unless you change the way you do things.
Oh no! but I can’t live in deprivation forever like this! I’m a human being, you know! I DESERVE to treat myself to a miserable little sushi or sundae, for crying out loud!
You have a point. You do deserve better. You deserve to buy sushi three times a week if you want to, thrice daily even. But until you get out of debt this sushi will be nothing but an addiction, financially killing you every day, (and very possibly killing you in other ways too, but that is not for now). Take those dead presidents and kill some bills with them instead. Get them out of your life. I promise you, sundaes taste MUCH better when they are not topped with debt.
This is enough for now, but this is just a start. Go knock ‘em dead. Get rid of debt collectors once and for all! I LOVE seeing yungeleit who take these principles and before you know it they are doing very, very well, and feeling much better too.
Hit the comment button.
bob
I’m pretty sure he could have just said “Cut up your credit cards and don’t go out to eat.”
The author is assuming that people who cannot afford tuition are buying other things that they can’t afford. It has much more to do with no one paying enough to cover the rising cost of everything.
my opinion
Another fluff article from someone with too much time on his hands.
this says nothing to address the unique problems of large frum families and the financial mayim rabim unique to us
Dave Ramsey Fan
This is the Dave Ramsey Plan down to the last letter. At least credit him – these are his baby steps! Kol ha’omer Dovor B’Shem…
cnl
Something is missing here!?
E B
Its about time to stop wasting money for weddings
Try The Ultimate Wedding Package by Nechomo Hakner
718 773 1234 we recently made a wedding and we saved about $ 8000
Give her a call and see for your self
I know few families that also did it and saved
Rebbe knows the solution! lets trust him
Why don’t people try the Rebbe’s plan!
The Chinuch at risk crises is very serious
The Financial crises (Tuition, Weddings etc)
Before we rush to through up our hands on say we did everything
Before we assume that there’s nothing more we can do, that weve done everything done everything right, think again!
there are 3 highly potent solutions promoted by our Rebbeh, yet widely ignored or forgotten, If we are unsatisfied with our own Parnasa situation, Nachas from our kids or Health situation
first ask your selves this,
Am i doing what the Rebbeh begged me to re THESE arenas in life?
yes
Makdim Refuah LeMachala!!
Our dear Rebbeh has equipped us with the solutions to the above prominent problems!!
Do we really follow the Rebbe’s bakasha nafshis??
1) Are we careful to spend at least 30min a day (in a organized & designated way) thinking carefully about the details of Chinuch development of our kids?
2) Are we really careful to spend organized & designated times periodically consulting a Mashpia??
3) Are we really careful to Dress in a manner that conforms to Halacha (& the Rebbeh emphasized Sheitul)??
4) Chitas Rambam
5) Tehilim Shabbos Mevorchim
Remember the above 5 points were singled out by our dear Rebbeh as KEY to impacting our children, Parnassa, Health Nachas!!
if we are not satisfied with the level of our Financial means or the Health or Chinuch of our children, make sure to dubble check whether you are IN FACT in compliance with the Rebbe’s Bakash Nafshis to us!! The Rebbe;s guarantees to us for prosperity, Nachas & Health… We can trust the Rebbeh before we seek other solutions
A Shlucha
Yes, these things ARE realistic for a frum family. Takes a big learning curve, and it’s a rough start, but we are doing it – were forced to close all of our credit cards (the debts still remain…) and now can ONLY spend what we have.
We had some rough months where we ate what we had in the pantry and counted nickels to pay for just enough gas to get to where we needed to be, but B”H looks like things are better now. Definitely helped our bitachon!
i like #5 & #6
very true!!
worth re-post!! (re-edited)
1) Are we careful to spend at least 30min a day (in an organized & designated way) thinking carefully about the Chinuch details of our kids development?
2) Are we really careful to spend organized & designated times periodically consulting a (Mentor) Mashpia??
3) Are we really careful to Dress in a manner that conforms to (G-d’s will) Halacha (& the Rebbeh emphasized Sheitul)??
4) Daily study of Chitas Rambam
5) Tehilim Shabbos Mevorchim
Remember the above 5 (Bakasha Nafshis) points were singled out by our dear Rebbeh as CRITICAL to guaranteeing success in Parnassa, Health Nachas from our Children!!
Get rid of your credit cards
Those who pay with cash are a month and a half a head of those that pay with credit cards.
Here is how.
If you pay with cash, All purchases that you made in the first half of August is paid with money earned in the second half of July.
If you pay with CC, the money that you spend in August will be paid with money earned in September.
Hashem Loves You
I am a married man with a family of 3 boys and an amazing wife that i love dearly!! Hashem should bless them and keep them healthy their whole life :)
An older Chossid saw me in shul the other shabbos and asked how i am . . i answered that BH i am doing good!
and then he asked me if im paying all my bills . . . i answered that not all but i try to keep up with the most important ones, so he said to me say Tehillim.
The next day between mincha and maariv i sat in shul and said a couple of seforim of tehillim.
look it didnt make all the bills disappear . . but it helped. . emotionally . . yishuv hanefesh a little.
I bench all jews to have a life of ashirus and only know of good and happiness in their life!
Moshiach Now
Boruch
You dont get to understand the biggest problem is tuition. (weddings are a 1 time event)
Even if you go on a bread and salt diet for you and your whole family, unless you make half a million a year you will go in to debt.
the problem is not a few sushi’s, the problem is that the schools shifted the burden from themselves
(fundraising) to the parents (who cant afford it.
Tuition in Toronto Mesivta is over $20,000 (including the summer and Mikveh)for one kid. if you have 8 kids, how many sushi’s do you have to cut to afford this?
What advice to you really have, besides saying parents dont know how to keep their balanced budget?
Anonymous
To #6-please “dubble” check your spelling.
off track
so in a nut shell your saying to watch how you spend. got that. however when some one who is a average wage earner and has b;h a large family how are they to spend 10k tuition plus make weddings and a very small bar mitava. it dose not add up.you are most probably not in that situation. as even if i wanted to spend i don’t have it and yes i DONT have a credit card. so your off track
WAKE UP AMERICA
WAKE UP!! EVERYTHING IS HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE PRICE OF OIL AND THE CRUSHING TAXES ON EVERYONE AND ON ALL BUSINESSES.
WHAT CANDIDATE WANTS TO LOWER ALL TAXES AND DRILL FOR MORE OIL??
VOTE CONSERVATIVE AND GET RID OF THE BIG PROBLEMS FIRST!!
mamosh a kibush oilom.
to # 15 … you should run for president together with the author of this article. you are both mamosh on the road to changing the world. hahh hahhaa hahhhaaa hhahahhhahahah
besides since when did shluchim becoming financial gurus??? how about a little more talk on the bitachoin and increase in hidur mitzvah from a Rabbi a Shliach.
BTW can this shhliach of the Rebbe tell me what chelek likutei sichois or toras Menachem his drosho comes from???
big wedding savings
Nechama hakner has a wedding pakege that each side pays 7,500 and you have a beutifull balabatishe wedding
wake up big guy
yes this really makes sense for someone who is making a net of about 120.000 a year however if a family who is bringing in less how much sushi do i have to spear to make up 40k or more? so bis guy out there wake up
After a proper Keli.... THERS A GOD!!!!!
before you assume that you’ve done all in your power
read post #6
than i ask you, are you really in compliance with the Rebbe’s guidance on how to attract Hashem’s shefa? (Monetarily etc)?
1) have you made really been giving (even a 5min) Duch (personal accounting) to your mashpia (regularly, not just when you have a question)?
2) Have you & your loved ones (those who are closest to you, who care about your prosperity) been Dressing in accordance to the Segulos set forth by our Rebbeh?? (Including Halachas of modesty & Sheitul in public)
3) Have you been putting in at least a few minutes a day & (covering at least some of the day’s) chitas Rambam??
Remember even if you make a “Keli” Gashmi (a natural means for earning) Parnasa, you still need G-d’s blessing to come through & make your money blessed to the fullest (gishmei bracha) not on parking tickets & medical bills
people need to realize how things really work, Hashem wants us to make a proper Hishtadlus al pi teva, & then be sure to recognize the real determinate for prosper,ity in this world, (H’ & his Torah instructions as highlighted by our Rebbeh)
…..
surely on the surface you may find apparent contradictions to the above, but if you dig a little deeper, you’ll always see that the Rebb’s advice works every-time!!!!
Kon Litovsky
By cutting out lattes and sushi you won’t become wealthy. However, being disciplined and most importantly, by having a PLAN, your family can beat the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. In fact, if you don’t have money and have a big family you should sit down with a fee-only financial planner (YES, paying someone to help you save significantly more money than their fee is more than worth it) and go over your finances. They typically charge hourly or per plan and are compensated only by you (not by third parties), so you’ll get unbiased advice.
Here are my 10 reasons why everybody should plan their finances:
http://litovskymanagement.c…
Credit cards can also be paid on time, and in fact, some cards can bring you as much as $1k a year for simply using them. So in fact, please DO use credit cards (one or two is enough) if you have a large family, specifically rewards cards.
A good fee-only planner can help you put together a plan to keep you on target. Where do you go if you are ill? The doctor, presumably. Fee only planners are financial doctors who (more often than not) are able to heal your bad financial habits and mistakes by acting as a fiduciary with your best interests in mind.
It takes an outsider to see what may be wrong with someone’s finances, as well as to be blunt and open about making big changes to your budget. We can’t operate like a government – at some point, something has to give, since none of us can print money. Better make the changes sooner than later when you are broke. Do it for your kids and your loved ones.
Be honest with yourself
Yup, all of you who have decided that it’s all farfallen – enjoy your debts! Crawl deeper into them! Treat yourself to sushi every day – after all, a poor man travels first class!
OR, actually try living within your means. Can’t do that with tuition? Fine. Do that with everything else. Try spending only what you actually earn.
Can’t pay back debts right now? OK fine, they won’t go away (unfortunately). Work on not INCREASING your debt in the meantime.
Be honest with yourself. If tuition was reasonable (let’s say $3,000 per year per child) would you be able to afford it with your current lifestyle? If not, maybe you need to make some changes – because even tuition cuts won’t help you.
Are you honest about what you can afford for simchas? Do you actually say “no” to things that cost too much? Or do you have this defeatist attitude which is in reality masking a desire to keep up with the Cohens, or just to enjoy life?
Wish I-d Done This...
Two words: Home School. I know math, you know English, and yenem can teach Chumash…you get the idea. Put parents in control of their kids’ education. It’s not just right-wing Xtians who are doing this….
waste of time.
this article is totally not in the ruach of a chosid and certainly not of a shliach.
There is a letter (a few of them)of the Rebbe where he writes that the husband should get help to clean the house because if the wife cries, even though he may be right, what will it gain him klapei shemaya since shaarei dima loi ninalu, and similar examples.
How do you cheshbon in teffilin two pairs, chasunahs, yeshivah, trips to the Rebbe ….. vi a mol a nice tasty kigel lekovoid Shabbos Koidesh….
Sure we have to be reasonable to a point but the entire article is based on goyishkeit and that’s all.
#23
as long as one recognize that h=the Keli is Tuful & not the main point, the “al pi teva” advice need not be viewd as un jewish
many of us forget that Birchas Hashem Hee Taashir!!
Hashem (prefers not to rely on miracles- to preserve the integrity of Teva thus Hashem) requires us to make a “Hishtadlu,
but the main varieble is actually BIRCHAS HASHEM
…..
if we make an effort to be scrupilous with Maaser, Tfila B’Tsibur, Chitas Rambam & Modesty, B’Tachon
these the Rebbeh singled out as mainly determenant of Birchas Hashem B’Miluah!
Is Debt really the problem
I truly believe this article is wrong, Instead helping this article mars people with debt and accuses them of mismanagement and prescribes taking on scarcity measures. The Torah says that if your Brother needs to borrow you should lend.
How about suggesting establishing a fund that helps pay off high interest loans with interest free alternatives. Or maybe helping Jews open business like Wine stores on Kingston avenue. and what about giving rent breaks for large family remember if we could just save two month worth of rent money that is enough to pay for a child in Yeshiva and have a truly Joyce Yom Tov.
Kon Litovsky
http://www.torah.org/learni…
Synopsis: Talmud says that planning our finances is a mitzvah, because planning allows us not to depend on others as well as to take care of others in need (specifically our own family). Living paycheck to paycheck is not a good financial behavior and has to be avoided. In short, prudent financial planning is exercising personal responsibility.
Exerpt:
There is an interesting seemingly-contradictory statement in the Talmud (Sotah 48b): “Whoever has bread in his basket and says ‘What will I eat tomorrow?’ is none other than one of little faith.” The implication, clearly, is that one who truly trusts in G-d will not worry beyond the coming meal.
All he needs concern himself is about today; beyond that is needless and unreasonable long-term speculation. There’s more than enough time for the good L-rd to find a way to provide for him by then. And as the Manna in the desert, attempting to save from today to tomorrow evidences a terrible lack of true faith.
The answer to this is that the Talmud did not say one should not *plan* for his future, just that he should not *worry* about it. In terms of planning, we must obviously do whatever is reasonable to assure our ongoing self-sufficiency. Invest in holdings which will give you steady returns; learn job skills which will afford you long-term marketability. Pirkei Avos (2:13 http://www.torah.org/learni…) praises the quality of seeing consequences, of recognizing the long-term effects of our decisions, and likewise condemns one who borrows having no clue how he will repay his debts (pirkei avos 2-14a). There is no room for a responsible person to liquidate his assets for some quick and transient cash, or to live for the immediate to the detriment of his future viability.